More thoughts

We are nearing the end of 2025 and what a wild ride it has been. At the end of 2024 I made a list of "2025 goals" and I'm happy to say I've hit most of them. Some are a work in progress, of course (especially in the 'couple' category), but professional, health, and financial goals are (mostly) hit. 

So what is the big takeaway from the year? Marriage is challenging in ways that are unexpected and my reactions are not always what i would expect them to be. I knew learning to live with someone would be challenging, but I didn't realize how much internal pressure I would put on myself. Communication can be a lego-strewn hallway of misunderstandings and one or 2 of those Legos are emotional bombs ready to go off when stepped on (barefoot, of course). When your person is hurting, you are hurting and when you know you can't make it better the powerlessness you feel makes it worse. My hubby has been thru so much this year, and i want to wrap him in a cooling blanket, plop him in a room with all his gaming stuff, and let him just BE for like a month... but i cant. Half the time i cant even give him a hug or send him ice cream! It tears me up to see him hurt. It sucks that i cant "fix" it. I married the most wonderful, generous, kindhearted man in the world, and I'm so grateful that we found each other in the craziness of online dating in the metroplex. 

It was a rough year. Grief is tough. A lot of changes follow a death, and one of the hardest things is adapting to the new reality. The next hardest thing is being true to your own needs in your grief, especially when faced with other's expectations of how it should go. Its hard to remember that everyone grieves differently, and to accept what their process is, especially when their process differs greatly from yours. Couple that with the pain you're already feeling and... yeah. It's a recipe for a whole lotta suck. 

No matter how often I tell myself that the only constant is change, I still want to rally against certain things. I did read a quote that said it was from Padre Pio (I didn't verify the source). It said "God gave me my sister, and He also took her back." God brings our people to us, and he also calls them home when it's their time. We feel the pain of their loss, but we also get to live in the light of their love while they are here and we get to see them when we ourselves are called home. There's a kind of beauty in that... tho learning to live without them and also coming to terms with what changes in yourself that happen after a loss is TOUGH. Another thought that is comforting is of course from Sir Terry:

I think this also works with the Mexican idea that as long as we remember our loved ones, they can visit us from time to time (and always on Dia de Los Muertos). 

I miss my people who are scattered around the globe, and finding out they have passed still hurts, even when its been YEARS since we had seen each other. My heart aches for all who are grieving, especially during this time of the year. The disconnect between the festive atmosphere and the pain inside is way worse when you feel like you're "supposed" to be festive, too. So I'd like to remind us all of what Dame Judy Dench said, "don't worry so much about 'supposed to.'" 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to 2026. Car will be paid off and hopefully that means we can take some bigger trips! Im hoping for a ladies tropical getaway and a romantic getaway for hubbs and I. 🥰 I wanna be on a beach with a book and a drink and my gals, and in a cozy room with hubby, snacks, and wine! Hehe. Not at the same time, obviously. That would be weird. 

I hope the new year brings peace and joy to all of my family and friends. Let's be kind. Let's be gentle. Let's work on ourselves and treat ourselves well, too. Let's spend more time together. (You can visit, we can roll out the air mattress for you! We know all the good food spots.)

Here's to lessons learned in 2025, and hope for the new year! 🥂

Catching up

So last weekend we got to go to 6 flags and I FINALLY got to ride the TITAN! It was awesome. 85mph on a roller coaster is INSANE!! I'll share the best pix from that.

His selfie face. Lol

LEG LAMP!

Our prize winners. Not pictured: me kicking hubbs' butt on the water pistol game.

If you zoom in on this pic, do we look like we could possibly be related??

The park is so much more magical when the sun goes down. 

Sunday I went to Costco to get my tires rotated and balanced (every 8000 miles, apparently) then i met up with A and we had a lovely visit. Those never are long enough. Then home for chores, getting ready for the short work week. Hubbs took off Wed-Mon and I took Thurs-Mon. We were looking forward to some more time off. I also picked up an apple pie from one of our friends as a surprise for hubbs, as he says it's the best pie in the world. I'll let you know later. 

Work was work, then it was wed evening. Hubbs and I ordered stuff for our snacks-giving, and torchys tacos for dinner. Then we watched movies and Ace snuggled.

Happy cat. 

We were VERY happy that out plans didn't involve flying in ANY capacity.

Thursday we vegged, ate, and just generally made it thru the day. It was nice to have some time off from work to spend together. We watched garfields Thanksgiving special and Addams family values, then the Princess Bride. It was quite nice.

Breakfast

Dinner of shark-cootchie 😁 hubbs made the spinach and artichoke puffs. Very yummy. There is mesquite smoked turkey boob on there, so it 100% counts for Thanksgiving. The pie was VERY good. Didn't get a pic of it cuz we were both excited to tear into it. Hehe.

Friday we relaxed and charged ourselves up for Saturday. We got up at 5am and drove west to see Lil sis at the halfway point; van horn, tx.

2 tired seesters

still goofy!

She brought dyka. I was finally able to meet one of the dogs!

We decided to dinner at el capitan!

Super cute courtyard area

Appetizer trio: super spicy salsa! Also, in keeping with the hag out theme, the dips are in cauldrons.

My dinner: Chipotle raspberry pork chop with mashed potatoes and green beans. The drink was gin with lime and sauvignon blanc. 

Goofy with the hubby

Back at the hotel for mead and hag out. 

Day 2: at the hotel. This was a kind of bare bones hotel. No dresser, no coffee maker in the room, no comfy chair, but a good view. No waffle maker at bfast, either! Lol

killing time watching Dyka work. It got COLD overnight. 

Lunch at the hang out.

Chili cheese tots for appetizer.

I had a Buffalo chicken sammich and onion rings.

Then we all said bye bye and she went west while we went east. We saw 4 big backups on I-20 west due to accidents, but we had smooth sailing all the way home. Quick detour to Kroger for a few essentials, then home to the kitty cat. 

It was a good week, and a good visit. I have missed her. And hubbs was such a good sport: 14 hr round trip for 25.5 hrs of hanging out (sleep time nonwithstanding). Now to get ready for a cold work week!

My Own Worst Enemy

I have reached my 2025 weight loss goal... however, when i checked, I didn't react the way that I thought I would. On the one hand, I was pretty stoked, but the excitement I expected to feel just... wasn't there. So I thought about it, and mulled it over and I realized: I'm disappointed in myself because I couldn't make the scale move without pharmacological help (phentermine pills). Which is... dumb. Like, SO dumb! If one of my friends told me they made their goal after starting on a med, I'd say things like "congrats, I'm so proud of you, that's awesome!" So why am I disappointed with myself?? I decided it's because deep down I really thought I could do it on my own. (Cue My Cousin Vinny quotes here "I wanted to win my first case on my own.") The thing is, I am still lifting heavy, I'm doing at least 150 mins of cardio a week, and I'm doing yoga. It's not like I've been ONLY taking my med. The med was just the key to unlocking... something. It was the last bit I needed to get to goal. I already utilized many resources open to me (healthy food, gym, yoga studio, intermittent fasting), why does THIS resource hit different? And how disappointed would i be if it DIDNT work? Would I have given up? Maybe not, but I would have beaten myself down a lot. And really, the first 5 months of the year there was NO weight loss at all. So hitting 2025's goal after only 6 months is pretty impressive, really. 

I also have a new perspective on reaching goals. On the one hand, yay, on the other hand, we still have a ways to go, and finally (on a foot maybe) I still have to maintain once I get to THE goal. And what happens when that last factor is gone? Is gaining back inevitable? Or will the training be enough to keep the scale firm? WHY is this a constant issue!?!? Sigh. 

All this to say that I have decided I need to treat myself the way I'd treat my friends. And yes, I've said this before, but old habits die hard. Why is it so hard for us to be kind to ourselves? Is it society (which profits on self-hatred)? Is it engrained when we are kids (based on how adults told us we SHOULD be, and then being punished when we fell short)? Is it because we have internalized so many of the bad things people have told us about ourselves (which usually have less to do with us and more to do with those who said them)? How strange (read: wonderful) the world would be if people liked themselves and treated themselves kindly. So, good for me! I took a bunch of the weight loss tools I had in my toolbox and I am on track to get to the big goal (hopefully in 2026: 35-45 lbs left). Then we work on maintaining. Health becomes a habit and then BOOM! I'm 100 yrs old, living independently, and still rocking out!! Hehe. 

I just wanted to share all of this with you because I suspect you are also WAY harder on yourself than you need to be. Give yourself some grace, some love, and breathe. You're doing better than you realize. Much love from TX! 🥰🥰❤️❤️

I also finished the latest book in the Thursday Murder Club series and there were a couple passages about grief that I wanted to share. 

"They can't tell you... that's the thing about your own grief. No one can ever know it but you." I'm struck by how this resonates with me. I've been no stranger to grief in my life. Some friends passed away while others simply passed on to things no longer involving  me. Some I felt the grief keenly, others maybe less so. With all that we have gone thru this year, I am constantly reminded that no 2 people grieve the same way, nor do they feel their grief the same way. There are enough similarities about people going thru the process that we can say there are 5 stages and name them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We can remind ourselves that the stages are not linear and people can go back and forth or get stuck in one or the other, but we can't really KNOW how they feel because their grief is individual to them. I think it's really important to remind everyone to be kind not only to themselves, but to others, especially as the holidays come around. Some can just not think about the chair that is empty, the presence that is absent, others can't. The passage above goes on to talk about the chair- his chair. No one can sit in it yet because, tho it's empty, he's still sitting in it. It's so easy to see our loved ones in their usual spot, that it's unheard of for someone to sit there until their presence eventually fades or the chair is given away. My death and dying professor once said that when a loved one passes they stay right in front of your face for a while until eventually they move to your shoulder. Still with you, but not front and center anymore. I always liked that thought. She never gave a time line for it, either. There is no time line for grief, just as there isn't one for love. They both change, over time, and the expressions of them change as well, but if grief is the price of love then I think there isn't an end to grief as long as love still exists. We learn how to live without our loved ones, and sometimes we mourn who we were before they were lost to us, but somehow we find the will to continue. The holidays eventually feel festive again, get togethers become nostalgic for the ones who aren't around but less tears are shed as time goes by. The absence of the loved one still hurts, but the pain isnt so sharp after a while. My heart goes out to those who are mourning, and I'm reminded again how fleeting life can be. How it can all change in the blink of an eye. 

As we progress in journeys around the sun, ive found my friends and family are all entering the time of life where parents, spouses, grandparents, even siblings and we, ourselves are facing health issues galore. I know I am truly blessed to still have my grandparents here, and I know eventually they will be beyond my ability to text as well, and that's the 'little grief' I think I'm facing. Not to be macabre about it, just trying to face the facts and enjoy them while I can. My parents have pretty much told me their end-of-life wants, and I'm VERY glad I'm not going to be responsible for the legal stuff. Since we are married, hubbs and I know we should get some paperwork in order, we just don't want to think about it (and dont have a ton of assets anyway). He likes to think about if we had met sooner and had kiddos. Based on his ideas for names, the good Lord probably knew we shouldn't be in charge of small humans (of course he could prove me wrong, the Lord seems to love to do that). Is this what a mid life crisis is? When you realize the fleeting nature of existence and decide, to hell with it, let's get the corvett? I remember people talking about the mid life crisis but usually in terms of the symptoms, not the cause. When you realize how fragile your particular house of card is, why not just burn it down? Sell everything, get a camper van, and join a commune! As the song says, "but nothin stays" The good times and the bad times come and go, and when the good is really, really good the prospect of losing it is almost paralyzing. We know what is coming and we torture ourselves with the knowledge and forget to enjoy the now. 

Let's enjoy the now, everyone. Let's wake up each day amazed at the miracle of the sunrise. Let's hug our loved ones a little longer than they are comfortable with. Let's tell them all the time how much they are loved (because sometimes they don't KNOW). Let's send the random memes and funny pictures. Let's spam them with Instagram reels. Let's feel the love now, when the grief is still a mere shadow. Let's save the sadness for when it's needed. As Sir Terry said, "I am here and this is now." Do the task in front of you, do your best, and don't hide from love thinking you'll be safe from grief. It doesn't work like that. 

If you stuck with me all the way to here, please know I appreciate it. I hope your holiday season is filled with love, food, and warmth. I hope you remember others and spread kindness and joy. I hope you unplug and connect with your people (unless your people require phone calls, and then can I suggest video calls of some kind because nothing beats seeing their face). Let's be the light in this crappy old world ✨️🕯

People wrapping their vehicles in Christmas lights blows my mind!!

Good times with hubbs

Yay for short work weeks! We only had to suffer till Wednesday then we drove away. 

My Wednesday before yoga drinkie. Then I had 2 yoga classes. 😁

Next day back to the same place for coffee before road trip. 😁 hubby and I headed north.

When we made it to town, we checked into the hotel and went for dinner. We tried a new brewery. Fields and ivy. So good!

Appetizer.

Greek and chicken "fun guy" pizza.

Side salad and sweet potato fries!

On Saturday we went to downtown Lawrence and popped into some shops we hadn't been to before. We got 4 records, tons of European snackies and some fun games and such from the toy store. We also saw another store cat! Unfortunately Dina the bookstore cat passed away a couple days ago, so we weren't able to visit her.

Sean the sheep!

Kinda wanted this mobile.

Dave! 

Oh to be a shop cat.

Lunch at a Mexican place near the hotel

So. Much. CHEESE!!

When gma and gpa were ready for us, we headed over. We had a nice visit and did a couple things for gpa. Then we went back to the hotel. 

On Saturday we went to Home Depot to get some things for gma's honey do list. Then we got to work! We covered the a/c unit, broke down some boxes in the garage, put an anti-mice thing in the garage, took care of her hoses, installed a deadbolt in the front door, cleaned the kitchen windows, replaced a heating vent cover, and did a Walmart run. It was a busy, busy day! 

Obligatory selfie.

I've always loved their garden.

It was a beautiful day.

We did get a lunch break. Picked it up from Hog Wild BBQ!

Very proud of us for this. Neither of us had installed a deadbolt before. Hubbs is a real trooper!

Gma treated us to some sparkling apple juice when all the stuff was done. 

Today we shall go pick up some stuff gma is sending us home with, and then head back south. It's been a nice trip and it's always such a blessing to see gma and gpa. I really am lucky to still have them. Their stories of growing up in KS are wild, almost like another world! Hubbs got to experience more of KS and I think checkers may be his new favorite grocery store! They have an unexpectedly awesome international section. I got to walk around Mass and visit some of my favorite shops. And gma and gpa have got less "to dos" to worry about. It's wild to me that there are certain things Walmart just won't deliver to them. We cleaned them OUT of spinach. 😆

Anyway, I hope all of you also had a lovely weekend that maybe didn't involve installing a deadbolt. I feel like hubbs and i worked together on it pretty well and when it frustrated me, he calmly took over and finished up. I am very grateful and super smitten with him. When he finished the deadbolt, I went and cleaned the windows. So it was kind of a divide and conquer scenario. Lol. We had some fun looking at the KC-centered ads we were getting and may just be back in Feb for KC brew fest. Hehe. Much love to all, and may your jury duty be canceled, as mine was (first time ive been pulled for it, too). 😁🥰

Learning more about myself

Some of you may know that my current relationship is the longest relationship I've ever been in. Before now, there was no reason for me to learn to really communicate or work with my partner to resolve conflicts. I developed a LOT of theories of relationships during my single years, and put some of that into practice when dating (being 100% honest, setting boundaries, speaking up when something bothered me, etc.). I don't think anything could have truly prepared me for reality. Marriage is truly eye opening. I've learned I had some preconceived ideas of how things would be, and then had to work through accepting how things actually are. Actually bringing up things that I see as being a problem is really hard because I have to figure out if it's truly a problem or if it's just not how I want things to be. You know? Like, the little things that I need to decide if they truly matter or if he just does things different than I do. Different doesn't mean bad! Lol. Letting go of some of my control freaky-ness has been... enlightening... and HARD! Thats part of what I mean when I say that marriage is weird. Going from solo existence to considering how my actions affect someone else in my home is quite a turn about. I definitely am learning a LOT about me (and hubby, of course). Turns out a lot of women do have a "thing" about clutter that men just... don't. It's interesting. I definitely have said grandma's line about "a place for everything and everything in its place." Except for the cat toys, of course. Their place is ALL OVER!! 

Work is... stressful. Changing to a new electronic health record system is a special kind of Hell and no one can convince me otherwise. So many things that aren't working right, and so many pointing fingers!! It's driving me INSANE!! JUST. MAKE. IT. WORK!!! That's the job!! To be clear, this rant is regarding the people who work for the new EHR system, not the people I work with. Every time I have to reach out to one person who works there, I SERIOUSLY wish I could drink at work. I feel like a shot before I talk to them would improve my morale. 

It's also back to the gym for me... your reluctant gym rat.

The face of "I better live to 100 and still be spry cuz this SUCKS." I took wed off because... OUCH and I had to get stuff for fri and also... a book was available from the library. 😁

Oh and my pepper plant has a 2nd pepper!! Do you see it? The tiny little guy!! I put them back outside when the cold snap ended. Hoping they get some good sun. Of course, on Sunday I'm going to have to bring them back inside. 

Friday night we had a friend over for... the great pumpkining! Hubbs is NOT a fan of pumpkins, so of COURSE we had to carve one, and paint one, and stuff. Thurs I made a cheese ball and dessert. A spice cake pumpkin trifel. Dinner on fri was a harvest sheet pan (apple, sweet potato, brussles sprouts, red onion, and chicken apple sausage with a maple mustard sauce), with the cheese ball, toasted baguette, and apple cider margaritas. 😁 it's fun to host sometimes. 

So healthy 

So NOT healthy 

Ok jack, time for your lobotomy 

Friend went to town! Not pictured is my own maniacal face when digging out the guts

Our friend cleaning up Jack. 

Our drunken pumpkin. We need to get some red cardbordaux. That way he can be my wine dispenser.

Or Halloween kitty had to check it out.

Hubbs made a apple cider margarita. SOO GOOD!!

Our art. I did the Frankenstein, L did the gourds. 😁 it was a good evening. 

Saturday was yoga, farmers market, lunch with the in-laws, and then ATREYU!!! 

Pregame at Westlake brewery

Obligatory selfie.

I love my hubby

Opening band: zero 9:36

Middle band : he is legend. Funny enough, hubbs knew some of their stuff.

ATREYU! Celebrating 20+1 years of The Curse

Hubbs even let his hair down. We each got 2 shirts 😁

Back after a short "see ya"

SUCH a great night.

Now, I generally start fading at 10pm on a normal day. I didn't actually start fading until 1130 about halfway home. The energy was AMAZING and let's just say my throat is appreciating the hot coffee this morning. Hubbs was giving me crap, "my wife can out rock ANYONE... until about 10pm." Hehe... it's cuz I'm FORCED to work at EARLY hours. My favorite hubbs-ism was on the way home. He was saying his legs hurt from standing for 4+ hours and then says this gem, "the soul is punk, but the body is middle management." So true, so tragic. He remembered seeing an old punk back in the day who was sore after a show and... hubbs has a LOT more sympathy for him now. Funny how age does things to you. We did not properly stretch before the show. 🤣 The pit was awesome, and hubbs commented that people were so nice cuz if someone fell the rest picked them up. I kinda looked at him sideways and said "that's how the pit is supposed to be." I guess other shows hes been to, that wasn't the case. 

Anyway, it was a good weekend. I'm going to see A for food and drink today since Friday nights/ weekends in general are pretty much booked from now until January. We are pretty stoked, tbh. Lots of funness planned. Jan also started getting filled up pretty quick, funny enough. This week is a short one for us, as we are headed north on Thurs to go see gma and gpa, and hopefully crunch some LEAVES!! There are some pretty trees around here, but they don't hold a candle to the ones in KS. I hope all of you are doing well, stay warm with the upcoming cold snap tonight (33F is the low today), and remember to stretch properly before standing, bouncing, jumping, and shoving people back into the pit for 4 hrs. 😁🤘🏻