In talking to my older sister, I kept circling back to "Why am I hurting so bad if I knew this was possible? I called this, so what's the problem, here?" I think it's because I thought I had someone to lean on when things got rough. Then things got really rough and the person I thought I could lean on, disappeared. I mean, it was so nice when R went to the hospital and I told E about it his first reactions were "What's going on?" and "Call me." I really appreciated that and I thought it was a good sign that he actually cared. Then there's the whole "imagining what life would be like as a wife" thing. I have not done that for an EXTREMELY long time. It was kind of fun imagining waking up to him every day... yeah, I know that married life isn't a walk in the park, but I had some fun thinking of the good stuff.
Then there was the 'plan.' I really liked my idea of moving out after R got better and then moving on. Accepting that's not what the actual plan is was really tough. I couldn't see anything wrong with my plan, but I guess it's another case of God laughing when we tell Him our plans. Although in this case, I imagine not a laugh but a sad shake of the head. August and Sept have been pretty rough, bring on Oct... it will also be rough, but I can be a SPOOKY lady and get out all my sweaters. I do feel like I've gained weight back since all of this happened, but you can't see it in my hoodies! Oct will see me back on the fasting wagon and also meal planning better than I have been. Also SOUPS - SOUPS FOR DAYS!!!
I made pumpkin snickerdoodles, cream cheese filled pumpkin bread, and my ginger molasses cookies. Then I went over to D&C's house for chili and on to meet with my new friend for drinks. If I'm going to have to learn to live in Rtown for a while, I'm gonna need to have some kind of life outside of work. I've let go of the "should have been's" and I'm trying to embrace the "what is." I've closed out my bank account that I've had since 2007 (one phone call... loyalty means nothing to big corporations, people), opened a new one, ordered checks from the new one, and updated all my auto pay accounts. So easy to do once I was motivated enough to do it. SMH. The bad times never last, nor do the good times... just gotta roll with it and sometimes 'embrace the suck.' Today I'm meeting up with S for an early dinner, so that should also be good.
I'm thinking now is a good time to really take stock of things. What kind of job do I really want? What would be more fulfilling? Do I want to try again with the state dept or look into other avenues? As for dating, I have a laundry list of things I don't want in a guy, maybe I should focus on what I do want. I know I need to work on my prayer life... I'm just having a hard time talking to Slim right now. Also, thank you to everyone who lent me a sympathetic ear over the last couple months... it means more to me than you may know. I'm going to figure out how to deal with life as it is and not as I wanted it to be. It may be slow going, but I'm stubborn enough to make it work! LOL.
