The Morbs are back

 Call 'em what you will: morbs, blahs, lack of motivation, awareness of the decline into entropy, the point is that they're back.  I don't feel like doing much of anything lately... I need to close my Chase account and open a Wells Fargo one (don't wanna pay $12 a month fee, or keep $1500 in the account to avoid said fee) which means then having to update all my stuffs to the new Wells Fargo account once I get all the stuffs.  That's probably the biggest thing that I need to do and don't wanna.  Why?  Well, it's a bit of an inconvenience to try to remember all the companies that I'm going to have to update my banking info with.  There's also a weird "this was my first adult account" thing.  Why am I feeling loyal to a bank that fee-d me to death in Korea?  I can memorize a new debit card #, I can keep the savings and credit card accounts with them... WHY am I dragging my feet on this?!?  I'm gonna check into Capital One banking, too... apparently they have no-fee ATM's and no monthly service fee.  After looking at it, yeah, I'm gonna go with Capital One I think.  Wells Fargo wants me to keep $500 in the account... Capital One doesn't have anything like that.  

Anyway... dealing with the realities of losing someone totally sucks.  Poor Mom is having to deal with all of his financial stuff and physical stuff and it's exhausting.  I want to help as much as I can, but neither of us are really mentally prepared to tackle all this crap.  Neither of us really understands everything that has to be done, and I'm worried about her being taken advantage of.  Not saying it's going to happen, but you hear stories, you know.  

As for me, well, I'm trying to get out and about more and make new friends.  My hair dresser suggested that she and I go out some night, and I may take her up on that.  I also had dinner with a friend from HS and I have a lunch date with another friend on Tues.  So I'm learning how to live in Riverton for a longer time than I had originally planned (yes, I was prepared to stay for a year or so, but that was when I thought the State Dept would get back to me fairly quickly as to if they wanted to meet me or not).  I'm not sure if I should have given out my # to the guy who asked for it in the drive thru... I think if he comes back and asks again, I'll go ahead and give it to him.  Why not, right?  Can't say under a proverbial rock forever.  At least I like the people I work with... I have thought of job hunting around Riverton just because it's going to get BLOODY COLD in a couple months, but meh... I'm too lazy at the moment.  Again, morbs.  

Sorry for the downer post, just wanted to share where I'm at.  Even though I don't wanna do much, I will stop by work for their first annual Freedom Fest to see what's what.  I'm also gonna fill my growler.  Mom and I are going to have a peirogi and kielbasa bake for dinner tonight and I thought the Wasatch brewery's Apricot beer would go well with that.  I'm also kinda out of my Oktoberfest beers and that I simply can't let stand!  I have talked to Mom about having some kind of Oktoberfest celebration at the house... we'll have to see.  Much love, peoples... things will look up, I'm sure of it.  It's just gonna be a rocky road for a while.  MUAH! :*

Ah, healing... just when we think we know it all, WHAM!

 So the other day I saw a thing that said "People who were neglected as kids sometimes will be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as adults."  Something about how they feel the need to "earn" the other's attention.  Now, just to be clear, I'm not blaming my parents and saying that I was viciously neglected as a child.  However, being a middle child I often felt the need to compete for attention, and I think that's where this stems from (at least part of it, anyway).  I was kinda floored because it's kinda true - I generally go after guys who don't feel for me the way I feel for them.  So I obviously have more healing to do - to believe that I am worthy of love and attention without having to 'work for it' or compromise my principals to feel loved.  This kinda sucks because I THOUGHT I was good to go... no such thing, perhaps.  Ah well, deal with the big stuff first, right?  Smaller stuff later.

Fast forward to today - bawling in Mass.  I'm still processing all of what was just unleashed in my brain and heart, but mostly what I came away with is that the love I've been searching for my whole life is the love that God offers.  And what do I do with that offer?  Turn away, throw it in His face, go after anything that 'feels' like what I'm looking for.  I felt horrible and yet... comforted.  I don't know, like I said this is going to take some unpacking.

So I went to work still dressed for Mass - my green dress and ladder-looking leggings.  First, one cute guy said he really liked my outfit.  That was fun.  Later I was working in the drive thru and this guy came thru.  Gave me his order, really nice smile, accused me of hitting on him when I asked for his ID and I said 'well, only if you want me to be.' (so smooth, I know)  So I give him all his stuff and somehow he manages to ask for my phone #.  I said 'wait, now who is hitting on who?' and he insisted that I started it.  He drove away without my #, but I've been on cloud 9 ever since.  At the end of a super emotional day, after feeling bloated and nasty (like I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning of August) this guy suddenly made me feel like a legit snack (kinda looked at me like that, too).  Not gonna lie, I may have posed a bit when closing the drive-thru door.  I just got a huge kick out of it.  (Apparently my butt is attractive in WY, too.  LOL.. I feel like something so powerful should have a name... butt (pun intended) that may be a bit weird.)

If I want to eventually get married and stuff, I can't fall back into old habits, right?  So I guess I shall have to treat dating and relationships kinda like job interviews.  (Just like Van Wilder said... first dates are interviews.)  "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  "What qualities do you bring to the team?"  "Why did you leave your previous position?"  LOL - well, maybe not completely, but you get the idea.  I know why I avoided this for so long... it's so hard to meet people, get to know them, then realize if they are a good fit.  I've gotten better at this, but I'm far from perfect (as evidenced by S and E).  Ah well, I imagine there are many more heartbreaks to go before I give up and go to the convent.  (Terrible reason to join a religious community, I know, I'm only joking here... well... 93% joking anyway.) 

 Really the point of this post is to say that I haven't come as far as I thought I had.  I've come far, that's for sure.  It's been a long, hard road to get to the point where I'll admit that I WANT to be married.  That in itself is huge for me.  So to find out that I need to be better at choosing the men that I date... well, it shouldn't be a shocker.  I guess to date looking at forever is quite different than dating looking for tonight.  This is gonna be a helluva ride, people... "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night."  LOL... how will I tell if a guy is emotionally open as opposed to closed?  I guess if I'm attracted to them should be a clue.  (Gallows humor, I know, just let me roll with it.)  I TOLD Mo there was something wrong with E because I was crazy about him... now I have the name for it.  So much better than "He's just not that into you."  So yes, Todd, perhaps I am still my own worst enemy here.  However, I'm off the edge of the map and here there be plenty of monsters.  How does one navigate the cesspool that is dating after 30?  Well, I for one, enjoy the memes about it, so I hope you do, too!

Anyway, thanks for reading all the way thru my rant... I'm not sure there's much to take away except I'm still messed up, probably need to pray more, butts are internationally attractive, and... at least one cute guy in R-town things I'm attractive, too.  Hehe... (giiiiirl, you shoulda seen his arms!!!).  Much love, dear reader.  MUAH!  :*

Life is Cruel, Sometimes

So in my last post, I mentioned that I'm kinda mad at God.  I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure if 'mad' is the right word.  I've been told my whole life to see God as a loving parent.  Sometimes bad things happen, but you're supposed to look for the lesson and then do better next time, right?  He lets you screw up so that you learn and eventually it brings you closer to Him and holiness.  That's what I've been told.  What sent me reeling was how GOOD everything was before it went to shit.  My lesson?  Life sucks, you can't tell anything about what is going to happen, and yet we have to keep living like there's some overarching MEANING to it all and right now, it's hard to see the friggin' meaning.  The events of early August were 2 gut punches to the stomach that left me with emotional internal bleeding.  I thought Rex was getting better, I thought he was going to heal and I was looking forward to Mom having a healthy husband back.  No dice.  I thought I'd met someone who wanted to be with me, who was compassionate, who would make good on his promises, I thought I'd met my forever man.  Nope, ghosted with no explanation making a hard situation THAT much harder.  Suddenly I'd lost 2 people who featured rather significantly in my life, and BOTH after things had been going well.  One was healing, the other was mentioning jewelry and kids... then 'poof'... gone.  The injustice, the straight-up CRUELTY of those losses... that's what's knocked me for a loop.  And yes, I know that this wasn't necessarily 'God's will' but that doesn't make it any easier to come back from.  He may be a scapegoat for me right now, and if that's what leads to my healing and eventual reconciliation with Him, then isn't that a good thing?  I once read that God gives us the grace to be mad at Him sometimes, well, that's the grace I need right now.

How do you pick up the pieces after something like this?  I can't live without hope... but sometimes throwing in the towel sounds GREAT.  I still want to get married, I'm still undecided on kids (really depends on who their father would be), I want the man that I thought E could be.  How do I trust myself from here on out?  I did take most of what E said with a grain of salt, intellectually I knew it could all be BS, but emotionally that didn't mean jack.  I still had strong feelings for him, I still invested my time and my emotions in someone that I knew could screw me over.  So I got screwed over... picking myself back up and getting 'back on the horse' seems tedious.  I'd like to say that life was better when I was in denial about wanting the marriage thing... but who am I kidding?  It took a lot of healing to get where I am, and I'm not going to let a spineless coward knock me back from all my hard friggin' work!  So back on the horse I will go - whether online or trying to meet someone in person or finding out more about this doctor that J's mom knows.  I spent a long time trying to avoid a broken heart and I got... nothing... at least now I have more of a list of 'do not wants' and a pretty solid list of 'do wants.'  That's supposed to lead my prayer, right?  Pray for my future mate... prayer is really tough for me at the moment.  It's a weird thing... like... my prayer now would go something like this "I know it's not your fault, but you know more than I do and you know how this is all going to turn out and you're not sharing any of your info and that's just really rude, so I don't want to talk to you until perhaps I'm in a better place and maybe more willing to listen to what you have to say."  It's not nice, but at least it's true.  That's how I feel toward Him at the moment.  The continued uncertainty of life due to COVID isn't helping matters as at least one trip has already been canceled... dash it all.  So spiritually that's where I am... I will probably go to confession a week from Saturday and talk to the priest about some of this stuff... see if he has any insights for me.  

In much better news, it's SPOOKY SEASON!!!  I am so excited to spend Halloween in a country where we go ALL OUT!  I've been taking pix of some of the store displays for J (apparently her niece has decided she loves Halloween... it makes me happy), I got myself a new friend (Oogy Boogy), and Mom and I have planned a trip to Casper to see more displays and possibly get some good smelly stuff from Bath and Body Works.  I may have to stop at BW3 to get some wings (unless the chicken shortage has wiped them out), and we'll probably hit up a good restaurant while we are there (I hear Guadalajara is good).  The weather has been kinda hot still, but that's OK because it'll get cold soon enough.  I have some cute, comfy clothes to wear and sweater weather lasts a LONG time in WY.  At least this winter I'll have a car and won't have to wait in the cold for buses and such.  Might need to check the treads on my tires, tho.  

Here's some things that have been making me happy:

Mom and I planted some flower seeds this spring, when we didn't see any small plants we kinda figured they all died.  Nope - we have some flowers from our seeds!

So pretty!  Apparently they thrive on neglect... (let's not read too much into that, k?)

I got a new friend at Smith's... I think he's cute... he's also squishy so I'm thinking of taking him to work and tossing him at my co-workers for fun.

I've been engaging in some retail therapy.  The shirt is new, the leggings are old, but the whole outfit is Torrid :)

I also made small friends when I went to a Labor Day BBQ with mom.

We went out on their side-by-side and really enjoyed the scenery.

So pretty

Marsh lands in WY?  WHAAAAA?

Fun bridge, really.  On the way back there were tourists in an SUV behind us.  

The toy.

Mom and I starting on a Wind River adventure - driving up the loop road to find a lake and my Uncle Mitch.

Another retail therapy find.  I didn't know it said "Bad Ass Babe" on the back until it came in... I'm still keeping it.  If anyone wants to ask me to prove it, we'll see how that goes.  Now I'm waiting on 4 more pairs of leggings to come in, then in Oct I can buy my winter boots, then I'm BANNED from buying more clothes until after the New Year.  LOL... what can I say?  I've enjoyed getting fun stuffs.

So that's the skinny... I'm slowly healing from the heartache and betrayal that I've been feeling lately.  I had dinner with a friend last night, and that was wonderful.  Definitely helped process some things and was nice to get out of the house for a bit.  Today I think I shall BAKE and also not bake... pumpkin spice latte cookies, ginger molasses cookies, and a cappuccino mousse trifle.  Well, my friend just asked for the ancho chili pepper cookies too, so I guess I'm making a care package for TX.  LOL.  Hopefully everything survives the post office.

Treating Myself

 You know, last month sucked.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  The thing is, it's over.  The month ended, and for some reason that kind of thing gives me hope - hope that this month won't suck as much.  I'm not sure why humans are wired that way, but we are.  One thing ends, another begins.  I think I've processed the suck: I felt the hurt and the sadness, and I've come out the other side.  Perhaps a little wiser, maybe a little more jaded, but I came through it.  I'd like to thank those who let me be grumpy and sad and such... I know you didn't like it any more than I did, but it was necessary to come thru it.  As for E - well, it's his loss because a) I'm awesome, b) I don't want to be with someone who can't communicate with me, c) I don't give 3rd chances, and d) I'm really good at moving on.  Yeah, it sucks, but then again this obviously wasn't meant to be.  I'm just disappointed he turned out to be such a coward.

So I've taken the week off from my 2nd (online) job to spoil myself a bit.  You already know the adventure I had on Monday (apparently a regular at work saw me in Lander and brought it up - small town awkwardness, sigh) and I decided to continue it on Thursday.  I started the day with kitty cuddles and coffee, went to breakfast at Brown Sugar and did some journaling, then drove to Thermop to spend some time soaking in the hot springs there and have an early dinner/late lunch at the One Eyed Buffalo.  

Trampus making it difficult for me to get a refill on my coffee.

The note Mom left for me.

Breakfast - the coffee is what they call a Chocolate Stout and the bagel is lox and cream cheese.  SO GOOD!!!

Stopped for construction.

Stopped again at the entrance of the canyon.

In Korea I was given the key to my locker on a bracelet.  In the US, you are given it on a safety pin so that you can pin it to your suit.  It works either way.  I don't think I really have a preference.  This way seems like the key would be harder to lose.

The after-soak beer.  This is the amber.  SO GOOD.

Dinner - pulled pork sammich with tater tots.  

After dinner - this is their WY Not Belgian Blonde.  Also a good brew.

After this I came home, did laundry (cuz my towel, suit, and car all smelled like sulfur from the hot springs), and then Mom and I watched 7 Yards (good documentary) and a couple episodes of Columbo.  

Today is Friday and I've done... not a lot.  Had lunch with a friend, took lunch to Mom and spent her lunch break with her, now I'm doing laundry and relaxing until I go get snapped, crackled, and popped at my chiropractor.  I am excited that my stuff from Torrid came in... and I just ordered 4 more pairs of leggings for the fall/winter.  It's almost sweater weather!  I'm gonna put off getting snow boots until October, I think.  However, it turns out that I look good in leggings and long shirts.  They are SOOOO comfy!!! 

All in all, I'm in a better place.  I'm still mad at God for how things turned out, but I'm resigned to the fact that it is what it is.  We will get thru this, life can't keep us down for long, dash it all!!