Looking ahead

 Well, we got through Christmas.  If you are on the internet, you've seen that the time between Christmas and New Years is something of a no-man's-land of time.  If you have the time off, you're not totally sure what day it is, you have a ton of leftovers to eat before it all goes bad and in some cases you live in a pj'd, fed, drank stupor.  I miss those times.  I'm going to be working the Thurs-Sun over New Year's, so I will be INCREDIBLY aware of what day it is.  Pray for me, friends... I'm having a job kind of weekend.

Trying to get into the spirit... 

For Christmas we got BELGIAN beer!  I seem to recall ranking the best countries for beer as being Belgium, the Czeck Republic, and Germany - in that order.

My Lucas the Spider that Mom gave me.

He wanted to read with me.  He's a great little shoulder warmer.  

It's amazing what hope a new year can bring.  I feel like we've all been thru a lot this year, as we were last year, and yet with the dawning of 2022 there is great hope.  Once again, I have goals set and things to work toward.  First order of business, learn French (with options for other languages, too), second get a new job with higher pay and benefits (tacked onto this is probably getting out of R-town again), third pursue the dating life until I find someone compatible who would be ok with globe-trotting, all this to lead to the eventual goal of working for the federal gov (or an NGO, or charity, or... ) in some context and traveling internationally again.  Well, I guess the dating thing isn't really a professional goal, but it would be nice to have a partner.  

I'd like to take a moment to share with all of you how wonderful my support network is in all this.  I have one friend who speaks French who was incredibly supportive of it (you remember J from Korea, right) and offered to help me practice.  My bestie also understands how stressed I can get at work and offered her support. 

She watches a lot of true crime stuff, so she has the (theoretical) skill set.  LOL - now, now, don't worry people, I'm not actually going to murder anyone.  I just appreciate the support.  My step sister also offered to help if my job search takes me to her neck of the woods, and I'm blessed with incredibly supportive parents, grandparents, and at least one sister... the other still wants me to move to her house and get a job in her town.  I'd be ok with staying in WY for a while longer - even with the cold, it would be nice to be able to pop in on Mom or Dad for a weekend.

Now is a good time for reflection, and while things didn't quite turn out the way that I had planned they were not all bad.  I have really enjoyed being able to spend more time with Mom and introduce her to things that she may not have tried if I weren't around (my 'fancy' beers, for example).  It was also nice being able to track Dad down on the day my brain was going crazy and get hugs and talk until things settled in my head.  The weekends that I have off have been great for running around and doing things (even when snowstorms are involved) and being able to park my car in the shop has meant that I don't have to scrape my windshield in the mornings, which is AMAZING.  My job has cemented the fact that I'm not cut out for retail - while there are things that I enjoy about it, I'm just not enough of a people person to keep my sanity when it gets busy or when I get ticked off.  Some people thrive on chaos... I'm not one of them.  I've also made some new friends, solidified a few existing friendships, and even got adopted again!  My new last name would be BOSSSS - funny how many times I've been adopted by people with 's' last names.  LOL.  

So as we head into a new year, I am hopeful.  I'm working toward my goals and have every confidence that I'm on the right track to end up where I want to be.  Perhaps it's true that, just like an arrow, sometimes you have to be pulled back before you can be shot forward.  I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing people in my life and I can't wait to see each one of you in 2022.  Hugs and love from a (very) cold WY, until we can be together again may you know only peace.  Cuz, you know, when we do get together again there shall be shenanigans and craziness.  And who knows, in 30 days I may be doing a post in French!  LOL.  MUAH! :* 

The Empty Chair

 The holidays can be a rough time for everyone.  There's the usual pressure of shopping and decorating, trying to be festive when sometimes you're just too stressed out.  This Christmas it seems many of us are also dealing with what I call the empty chair.  A euphemism for the grief of missing someone during the holidays.

Firsts always suck... when my friend lost her mom she stated many times that their family was making an extra effort that Christmas because it was the first.  They now decorate part of the room with her picture so that she is kinda there in spirit.  I was thinking of doing something kinda like that, but with an open MGD since that was his favorite beer.  It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when the loss follows you around like a black balloon.  My favorite song by Type O Negative has always been Red Water (Christmas Mourning)... it sure hits differently after experiencing a year of loss.  The pain of missing someone never goes away, but this time of year it sure is more sharp than usual.  My own pain pales in comparison to other's, I know... so my own mantra has become "It's going to suck, but perhaps I can help make it suck a little less."  My own problem is that I'm getting into my head and feeling like I just haven't quite done enough... which is really just my own insecurities talking... need to get the mental duct tape and shut those voices UP!

On the bright side, I get to spend Christmas with my parents which hasn't happened in AGES.  Mom and I plan on being as lazy as possible, with snacks and drinks all day.  The other day when my friend S from high school came over, she declared that I am the snacking queen - and she's right!  LOL... she's a chef, so cooking for her is probably out of the question.  Again... my own issues rising up there.  It's actually cold here now, so my fleece and fur lined leggings are getting some use.  I also have 3 pairs of thermals, so one way or the other I'm gonna be WARM.  Joining FB dating has been a HUGE ego boost... except I know that a lot of guys always "like" every woman... cast a wider net, sort of thing I think.  However, I'll take the ego boost of the constant notifications about "so-and-so has liked your profile in dating."  The best was "Jesus has liked your profile."  As a Catholic I wondered if that was a sign to head to the nearest convent.  LOL.  I'll spare you the details but suffice to say it's been fun.

For my other people experiencing loss this holiday season, huge hugs and please know that you're not alone.  It's been a hard year, next year is going to be hard, too.  I know this is "pot and kettle" time, but be sure to reach out to people who will let you talk, who will share memories, and remember your loved one.  Grief can be overwhelming, but it's less so when you can share.  I think the worst thing about our culture is that you're expected to be 'ok' right away.  American's don't really handle emotions well... you're supposed to smile, be happy, and act like everything is all right even when your world is crumbling all around you.  The cult of happy is just as toxic as the cult of despair.  There is no road map for grief, there's no code of conduct for the holidays, and there is no way you 'should' be.  Do what you need to do for you, just remember that your loved one would want you to continue to live your life.  A good wallow can do you a world of good, but not if you live in it.  My death, dying, and bereavement professor described grief: "When you first lose someone, they are still always right in front of you, all the time.  You think about them and miss them constantly.  Then with time they move to your shoulder.  That's where they stay.  Sometimes they're big, sometimes they're small, and sometimes they move to in front of your face again.  The thing is, they never leave you and that's how it should be." (The academic in me needs to say that I'm paraphrasing... it's been almost 20 years ago, after all.)  I've always liked that... some of us carry a crowd, others a few, and others haven't had to carry anyone yet.  However, grief is a part of life... and it carries it's own beauty.  To grieve means that you've loved someone deeply... and that is a wonderful thing.

So big hugs, tons of love, and prayers for all of us to enjoy this season.  Hold those you love a little closer, remember those who would have been in their favorite chairs, and reminisce of holidays past.  And let the tears fall... let them. MUAH! :*

Winter Road Tripping

 It occurs to me that some people are not aware of the preparations that one goes thru when one is planning a winter road trip.  So I've decided to enlighten those of you who have not had the adventure of driving in a Wyoming winter.

For at least a week before your trip, you will be checking the weather.  The day before the trip you will scream loudly when you find out that there is now snow on the forecast that was never there before.  You'll make sure to have the WY511 app on your phone so you can see all the pretty, pretty colors the roads change due to weather... green, yellow, orange, and of course red.  You'll plot your main route and at least 3 alternate routes in case something gets shut down.  Sufficiently prepared, you make sure your car has a full tank of gas, windshield washer fluid is full (I forgot that one), and your winter survival kit is packed.

"What's a winter survival kit?" I hear you ask.  That's what will keep you alive if you get stuck in a snow drift on your trip.  You will be sure to have water, a sleeping bag, some kind of food that won't spoil, extra clothing, and some of the more paranoid/prepared will also carry toilet paper, a camp cooking kit, and maybe even coffee.  When you drive in a WY winter, there's every possibility that you'll get stuck somewhere and help will not be able to come for HOURS.  The scenario of hitting black ice and ending up buried in a snow drift on the side of the road is not out of the realm of possibility.  You need to be prepared to spend as much as 2 days stranded in your car.  This was the first winter EVER where I've had a vehicle with 4 wheel drive, and I LOVE IT!!  The thing with 4WD is you can go a little faster without worrying about sliding off the road.  However, you can't stop any faster on ice than anyone else, so you still have to drive smart.  With my full tank, my winter kit, my clothes, and my proof of vaccination, I went to SLC for my concert.

On the way down, it snowed... and snowed... and snowed.  I took the back roads to avoid I-80 as that is a MISERABLE drive between the snow, wind, other motorists, and semi trucks.  I got down to Evanston with no problems and then down into SLC.  I wasn't really able to see much of the mountains or the city since the snow just never stopped.  I tried going to Beer Bar for lunch, but I couldn't find parking (always a nightmare in the city) so I went to Desert Edge Brewery instead.  There I had an AMAZING southwest beef dip sandwich and a few good beers.  I then went to a state liquor store where I got 3 6-packs of Wasatch brews and one Red Rock Anniversary beer.  I checked into my hotel (after a scary run to a 7-11 ATM for the $100 cash deposit... probably not the best part of town, tbh), then went to the concert.  The show ran from 5pm to about 11pm, 5 bands, and Atreyu was AMAZING as always.  Then it was back to the hotel to shower and sleep and have one of my beers.

Day 2 was Christmas shopping day.  I went to a mall downtown that was super nice and super hoity toity.  We're talking Neiman Marcus, Macys, etc.  There were a couple fun stores in there, too, so I got some stuff.  Then I went to Layton, UT (just north of SLC) to meet up with my friend P from college.  He brought his almost 4 year old to lunch and we had a nice visit.  We went to a Mongolian grill place which was AWESOME.  Made me miss Ghengis Grill.  After lunch I went shopping at mall #2 and got even MORE Christmas presents... and some stuff for me, let's be honest.  I found hotel #2 ($50 cash deposit this time, maybe it's a UT thing?), had a nice spa night, read my book, and went to sleep.  The next day I got up, went to Target for the last-min stuff, found a 12 pack of Wasatch Amber, so I got that, too.  Can you guess my favorite UT brewery yet?  I treated myself to Chick-fil-A for lunch (again, we don't have one in R-town), and by then I was ready to head back home.  I fueled up in Evanston, got on I-80, and promptly ran into a road block by the Highway patrol.  I got up to the guy, fully prepared to turn around and go back to Evanston when he gestured at me to stop and roll down my window.  I did, he asked where I was headed, I said Riverton and he said "Then I can let you thru, aren't you glad you talked to me?"  I said yes, drove between the barricade and off I went!  I took the same route home as I did on the way and was glad I wasn't in a "light high profile" vehicle, as South Pass was closed to those.  I got home around 5:30 pm and was informed by my mom that our friend M had been rather concerned about me, so she had to text him that I was indeed home.  I sent my texts off as well, updated my FB to let everyone know I was safe and then we went to the bar for a couple beers.  Came home and watched some episodes of the Monkees in honor of Mike Nesmith.  He was always my favorite.

This is known as "ICK" when driving.

SO GOOD!  They make their own pasta, so I had to have the pasta salad, too.

Tetrarch - AMAZING band... all of them were amazing, tbh.  Defying Decay was a band out of Thailand, Saul was great, and Crown the Empire was WAY fun.

ATREYU!!

I love them.

View from the fancy-schmancy mall.

Nice tree, tho

I like to treat myself to things I can't get in Riverton.  This is dessert on Friday - hot fudge shake.

Tried to get a pic of the mountains, but they were hiding a little.

On my way home - it was a nice day.

Unpacking... hehehe... again, getting things I can't get in Riverton.

Now I get to play Santa Claus and wrap, send, and deliver all the stuff I got people.  It's KILLING me not telling people what I got them... I had to tell Mo that I got her "things" and I even found something for Michael!  For the first time in a LONG time, I'm wrapping gifts in real wrapping paper!  Not just leftover Walmart bags!  Be proud of me!  Hehe.  Just a few more things to do and I'll be ready for Christmas. Much love to all, MUAH! :*

Perspectives are important

 It happened today.  I ran into my older sister's best friend's mom.  She asked if I was back and I said yes, for now. She asked if I was working and I said yes.  She asked where and I told her.  She said, "All your schooling and you are working THERE?!"  And that, dear friends, is the hardest thing about moving back home.  When I left as a teenager I was a smug, know-it-all who was certain that I'd only come back for visits, and even then I'd have some kind of glamorous job that would be the envy of everyone who was ever mean to me.  That's the version of me that people around here remember.  Therefore, it's hard not to interpret their reactions to my current situation as a certain hometown smugness.  There seems to be an attitude of "Ms Fancy Pants Big Shot had to come home and have a slice of humble pie, now didn't she?"  Whether or not that's their actual reaction, that's exactly how I read it.

Yes, all my schooling and I'm managing a store.  All my travels and I'm back to square one.  All my plans of setting the world on fire and BEING somebody gone.  That's certainly one way of looking at it.  Some days, that's exactly how I see it.  Those are the bad days.  Those are the days where my negative voice is the loudest.  Those are the days that I mentally duct tape that voice because these things are true if you look at them from ONE perspective.  I prefer my other perspective.

All my schooling and I'm back to retail.  That's true.  However, I'm using this time in retail to pay the bills, spend time with Mom, and really THINK about my next move.  I haven't done much of that in my life, it's been more "this sounds fun, let's go!"  I'm pausing for a min to think about my best working conditions, the things in a job that are important to me, what I really want out of my professional life.  I have no intention of moving before the holidays, so after Jan 1 I'll be looking for the job that actually suits me.  In the meantime, yes, I'm working in retail.  For the most part it's a fun job with good people that I truly enjoy.  I also know that I'm truly NOT cut out for retail... not when I was 16 and not when I'm 37.  As an introvert, it is truly exhausting being around people all day.  Some days I can manage better than others, but I'm not able to put on a happy face all the time.  

All my travels and I'm back to square one.  Yep, I've gone places and seen things and came back.  I'm also blessed to have somewhere to come back to.  I got rid of most of my stuff when I went to Korea and I needed to be able to recoup, decompress, and reevaluate.  I'm lucky enough to have parents who don't mind me around while I do that.  After hearing plenty of horror stories of how awful some people's parents are, I'm grateful to have 2 sets of parents who love me and want me around.  Living with Mom has been a gift.  The circumstances were not ideal and it's been tough (as dealing with sickness and death can be), but I've also really enjoyed spending quality time with her.  She loves my cooking, we like the same kind of movies (for the most part), she gets my Garfield obsession, her cats are hilarious and sweet, she lives in an ideal location, rent is (ridiculously) reasonable... the positives go on and on.  If my job search takes me away from Riverton, I will be a little sad (not only because of the aforementioned reasonable rent, tho that's right up there).  Also, going away and coming back is different than never leaving at all.  I've seen amazing sights, I have wonderful friends from all over the world, I've experienced so much of life outside of this small town/county.  It may be square one, but I'm no longer my 'square one' self.  

As for my plans?  Still VERY much on the table.  I have plans for 2022: learn French, get an office-type job (preferably with a gov entity), pursue dating with someone who also would like to get married, and make whatever moves are necessary to make these things happen.  Not to steal from my favorite rom com, but I'm in a sort of transitional thing.  It's been a pause that I probably needed, tbh.  I've narrowed some of my ambitions which will help with narrowing my searches.  So while from the outside it looks like I've had to accept defeat and move home, really it's more like intermission before round 3 (or round 4... I'm not sure which one I'm on, tbh). 

So that's my thoughts on perspectives.  On the one hand, I'm a sad person who had to move home when things went sideways.  On the other hand I'm just an arrow that's being pulled back before shooting forward to the next exciting adventure.

Speaking of which, here are some of the pix from Disneyland.

The face I make at 5:gawdawful early in the morning before our flight

My travel buddy, Vena (the mascot from my Korean Hagwan).

Bye bye WY

Waiting for the Lyft driver at LAX

Our hotel was AMAZING

The bunk beds.  AL got top bunk, N got bottom.  Mom and I shared a queen bed.

The ladies waiting for the teacups!  From the back: N, AL, Mom, and Me.

STAR WARS!!!

Geeking OUT!

I. Got to sit. At the game table.  "Let the wookie win!"

Day 2 waiting for Indiana Jones

The temple

Haunted Mansion, all "Nightmare Before Christmas"ed out.

Hehe

Splash Mt.

Post splash mt (note the soaked jeans).

Took us a good 2 hours to dry off.. but my purse is waterproof!

Star wars in the daytime.

How else would a droid roast meat?

So fun!

Droids!!

It was a wonderful time.  Mom has determined that we must go back in 2 years... tho she says I may be married with a kiddo on the way by then.  I'm ok with the married, not so much the kiddo!  LOL.  Much love, all!!  

A Technological Milestone

 Well friends, it's happened.  Not only do I HAVE a smart phone, I've had to USE it to book a ride in advance.  That's right, I had to download and learn how to use Lyft.  The things I do for trips and fun.  "What are you doing?" you ask.  Well friends, I'm going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving with my mom, my AL, and her friend N.  I had to book the Lyft from LAX to the hotel.  It's gonna be a whirlwind of 3 days in the sun having fun, then back home.  The good news is that the weather in all places should be amazing, we are 100% prepared, and frankly we all need a few good days of fun.  The trip was planned in July, so don't be thinking it's a spur-of-the-moment thing.  The only thing that freaks me out is how FAST it's come around.  How is it already Thanksgiving week??  What happened?  And as much as I'm loving it, HOW is it still in the 50's?!  The sun is out and it's comfortably chilly today.  I'm loving it.

I don't want to go into what's been happening around here because it's mostly sad.  A co-worker told me last week that I need to "find the happy" since I've been a bit down lately (even before we lost another friend to Covid).  So here's some things that make me happy.

I found a new plushie at Walgreens, and he MATCHES my BOSS!  His tag says his name is "Gordon."  I'm kinda ok with that.

Yep, Gordon makes me super happy.  He is going to be my squishie to cuddle with when I watch TV.

Trampus wanted coffee cuddles today... we stayed like this for an hour, it was lovely.

Levi also wanted cuddles last night, he looked ridiculously contented.

The work display for Metallica's Blackened whiskey.  One of our co-workers husbands had the stage and action figures, the rest was all her.  She's an amazing artist, too... responsible for the lovely signs above the sloshie flavors.

My hair did NOT want to cooperate the other day, so I had to share it.  The comments from people thinking it was on purpose made me giggle.

We have a line of burbon barrel aged imperial stouts that is called Big Bad Baptist.  This is funny enough.  However, the one that is the cheapest and has the highest alcohol percentage is called... Naked Baptist.  I had way too much fun telling people I was bringing home a Naked Baptist. 

The line of Blackened whiskeys.  They are finished in brandy barrels, so that lends the whiskey a kind of sweet taste that is HEAVEN.  One day I will get a bottle of this, play Metallica music, and spend a useless day thinking, drinking, and enjoying.

It really is the little things that make me happy.  Online dating goes well, though I have realized that I'm a bit savage when it comes to who I "like" and who I "X."  For example, a guy may be hot but if he can't spell, use proper grammar, or be bothered to write anything in his intro it's an automatic "X."  If we message for a while and then lose interest, that's fine.  I'm having some fun but if there's no real "click" or connection, what's the point in wasting either of our time?  Finally, I have some red flags that I'm watching out for that I'd like to share.  First, if he wants to move off the dating platform too fast.  I'm not sure why I got a weird vibe from that guy, but then he followed it up by asking if I live alone.  HUGE red flag there, people.  Too soon and asking something like that makes me think 2 things.  1) If I answer yes, then he may think I'm lonely enough to be able to prey upon to ask for $ to come see me or something or 2) He's going to ask if he can move in "until I get on my feet."  Either way, that dude has faded away and good riddance.  Second, I stated on my profile that I'm looking for a long term relationship.  Enter the "hey sexy, when can we get together and hook up" dude.  I was clear in my intentions, and that's NOT what I'm looking for.  Good luck in your endeavors, buh buy.  Finally is the guy who can't/won't follow instructions/respect my wishes.  I told this guy 3 times to text before he called.  That way, I could be somewhere with good reception since at the time we didn't know why the phones didn't work in the house (has since been fixed).  The other thing is that I need to be ready to speak to someone on the phone.  That's why my friends and I set up phone dates.  To get a call out of nowhere is very disconcerting for me.  Yeah, I know, millennial or introvert problems, but if he can't or won't do this simple thing, what else am I signing up for?  I lost interest after that one, too.  

As weird as it is to say this, I'm thankful for all the crap I went through with S in Korea.  I now know what a shitty, toxic relationship looks like and I know what to reject right away.  I keep coming back to something my sorority sister posted - you can't turn a man whore into a husband.  As I haven't had much experience with dating, it was an eye-opener being around him.  Same thing with E - I know what to keep an eye out for... now if I just keep listening to my instincts and not making excuses.  Prayers are appreciated, if you are of the inclination.  

As for the job, I am good for now.  We shall see what the new year holds.  I think I would be ok with staying around here, but I'd also be ok with moving.  So we shall see what we shall see.  I have decided that I needed a new goal, so I'm going to learn French.  Once I've learned French I may try another language.  I know Arabic and Korean are in high demand... and I do still love German... I'll figure it out.  I still want to work internationally, but I may be coming around to having a real home base in the States.  I'm kinda torn between wanting to travel all the time and wanting to put down some roots.  Again, we shall see.  I guess that's my motto for 2022 - "We shall see."

Anyway, those are my thoughts such as they are at the moment.  I hope all of you are doing well and please know that I love and miss you!  MUAH! :*