Perspectives are important

 It happened today.  I ran into my older sister's best friend's mom.  She asked if I was back and I said yes, for now. She asked if I was working and I said yes.  She asked where and I told her.  She said, "All your schooling and you are working THERE?!"  And that, dear friends, is the hardest thing about moving back home.  When I left as a teenager I was a smug, know-it-all who was certain that I'd only come back for visits, and even then I'd have some kind of glamorous job that would be the envy of everyone who was ever mean to me.  That's the version of me that people around here remember.  Therefore, it's hard not to interpret their reactions to my current situation as a certain hometown smugness.  There seems to be an attitude of "Ms Fancy Pants Big Shot had to come home and have a slice of humble pie, now didn't she?"  Whether or not that's their actual reaction, that's exactly how I read it.

Yes, all my schooling and I'm managing a store.  All my travels and I'm back to square one.  All my plans of setting the world on fire and BEING somebody gone.  That's certainly one way of looking at it.  Some days, that's exactly how I see it.  Those are the bad days.  Those are the days where my negative voice is the loudest.  Those are the days that I mentally duct tape that voice because these things are true if you look at them from ONE perspective.  I prefer my other perspective.

All my schooling and I'm back to retail.  That's true.  However, I'm using this time in retail to pay the bills, spend time with Mom, and really THINK about my next move.  I haven't done much of that in my life, it's been more "this sounds fun, let's go!"  I'm pausing for a min to think about my best working conditions, the things in a job that are important to me, what I really want out of my professional life.  I have no intention of moving before the holidays, so after Jan 1 I'll be looking for the job that actually suits me.  In the meantime, yes, I'm working in retail.  For the most part it's a fun job with good people that I truly enjoy.  I also know that I'm truly NOT cut out for retail... not when I was 16 and not when I'm 37.  As an introvert, it is truly exhausting being around people all day.  Some days I can manage better than others, but I'm not able to put on a happy face all the time.  

All my travels and I'm back to square one.  Yep, I've gone places and seen things and came back.  I'm also blessed to have somewhere to come back to.  I got rid of most of my stuff when I went to Korea and I needed to be able to recoup, decompress, and reevaluate.  I'm lucky enough to have parents who don't mind me around while I do that.  After hearing plenty of horror stories of how awful some people's parents are, I'm grateful to have 2 sets of parents who love me and want me around.  Living with Mom has been a gift.  The circumstances were not ideal and it's been tough (as dealing with sickness and death can be), but I've also really enjoyed spending quality time with her.  She loves my cooking, we like the same kind of movies (for the most part), she gets my Garfield obsession, her cats are hilarious and sweet, she lives in an ideal location, rent is (ridiculously) reasonable... the positives go on and on.  If my job search takes me away from Riverton, I will be a little sad (not only because of the aforementioned reasonable rent, tho that's right up there).  Also, going away and coming back is different than never leaving at all.  I've seen amazing sights, I have wonderful friends from all over the world, I've experienced so much of life outside of this small town/county.  It may be square one, but I'm no longer my 'square one' self.  

As for my plans?  Still VERY much on the table.  I have plans for 2022: learn French, get an office-type job (preferably with a gov entity), pursue dating with someone who also would like to get married, and make whatever moves are necessary to make these things happen.  Not to steal from my favorite rom com, but I'm in a sort of transitional thing.  It's been a pause that I probably needed, tbh.  I've narrowed some of my ambitions which will help with narrowing my searches.  So while from the outside it looks like I've had to accept defeat and move home, really it's more like intermission before round 3 (or round 4... I'm not sure which one I'm on, tbh). 

So that's my thoughts on perspectives.  On the one hand, I'm a sad person who had to move home when things went sideways.  On the other hand I'm just an arrow that's being pulled back before shooting forward to the next exciting adventure.

Speaking of which, here are some of the pix from Disneyland.

The face I make at 5:gawdawful early in the morning before our flight

My travel buddy, Vena (the mascot from my Korean Hagwan).

Bye bye WY

Waiting for the Lyft driver at LAX

Our hotel was AMAZING

The bunk beds.  AL got top bunk, N got bottom.  Mom and I shared a queen bed.

The ladies waiting for the teacups!  From the back: N, AL, Mom, and Me.

STAR WARS!!!

Geeking OUT!

I. Got to sit. At the game table.  "Let the wookie win!"

Day 2 waiting for Indiana Jones

The temple

Haunted Mansion, all "Nightmare Before Christmas"ed out.

Hehe

Splash Mt.

Post splash mt (note the soaked jeans).

Took us a good 2 hours to dry off.. but my purse is waterproof!

Star wars in the daytime.

How else would a droid roast meat?

So fun!

Droids!!

It was a wonderful time.  Mom has determined that we must go back in 2 years... tho she says I may be married with a kiddo on the way by then.  I'm ok with the married, not so much the kiddo!  LOL.  Much love, all!!  

A Technological Milestone

 Well friends, it's happened.  Not only do I HAVE a smart phone, I've had to USE it to book a ride in advance.  That's right, I had to download and learn how to use Lyft.  The things I do for trips and fun.  "What are you doing?" you ask.  Well friends, I'm going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving with my mom, my AL, and her friend N.  I had to book the Lyft from LAX to the hotel.  It's gonna be a whirlwind of 3 days in the sun having fun, then back home.  The good news is that the weather in all places should be amazing, we are 100% prepared, and frankly we all need a few good days of fun.  The trip was planned in July, so don't be thinking it's a spur-of-the-moment thing.  The only thing that freaks me out is how FAST it's come around.  How is it already Thanksgiving week??  What happened?  And as much as I'm loving it, HOW is it still in the 50's?!  The sun is out and it's comfortably chilly today.  I'm loving it.

I don't want to go into what's been happening around here because it's mostly sad.  A co-worker told me last week that I need to "find the happy" since I've been a bit down lately (even before we lost another friend to Covid).  So here's some things that make me happy.

I found a new plushie at Walgreens, and he MATCHES my BOSS!  His tag says his name is "Gordon."  I'm kinda ok with that.

Yep, Gordon makes me super happy.  He is going to be my squishie to cuddle with when I watch TV.

Trampus wanted coffee cuddles today... we stayed like this for an hour, it was lovely.

Levi also wanted cuddles last night, he looked ridiculously contented.

The work display for Metallica's Blackened whiskey.  One of our co-workers husbands had the stage and action figures, the rest was all her.  She's an amazing artist, too... responsible for the lovely signs above the sloshie flavors.

My hair did NOT want to cooperate the other day, so I had to share it.  The comments from people thinking it was on purpose made me giggle.

We have a line of burbon barrel aged imperial stouts that is called Big Bad Baptist.  This is funny enough.  However, the one that is the cheapest and has the highest alcohol percentage is called... Naked Baptist.  I had way too much fun telling people I was bringing home a Naked Baptist. 

The line of Blackened whiskeys.  They are finished in brandy barrels, so that lends the whiskey a kind of sweet taste that is HEAVEN.  One day I will get a bottle of this, play Metallica music, and spend a useless day thinking, drinking, and enjoying.

It really is the little things that make me happy.  Online dating goes well, though I have realized that I'm a bit savage when it comes to who I "like" and who I "X."  For example, a guy may be hot but if he can't spell, use proper grammar, or be bothered to write anything in his intro it's an automatic "X."  If we message for a while and then lose interest, that's fine.  I'm having some fun but if there's no real "click" or connection, what's the point in wasting either of our time?  Finally, I have some red flags that I'm watching out for that I'd like to share.  First, if he wants to move off the dating platform too fast.  I'm not sure why I got a weird vibe from that guy, but then he followed it up by asking if I live alone.  HUGE red flag there, people.  Too soon and asking something like that makes me think 2 things.  1) If I answer yes, then he may think I'm lonely enough to be able to prey upon to ask for $ to come see me or something or 2) He's going to ask if he can move in "until I get on my feet."  Either way, that dude has faded away and good riddance.  Second, I stated on my profile that I'm looking for a long term relationship.  Enter the "hey sexy, when can we get together and hook up" dude.  I was clear in my intentions, and that's NOT what I'm looking for.  Good luck in your endeavors, buh buy.  Finally is the guy who can't/won't follow instructions/respect my wishes.  I told this guy 3 times to text before he called.  That way, I could be somewhere with good reception since at the time we didn't know why the phones didn't work in the house (has since been fixed).  The other thing is that I need to be ready to speak to someone on the phone.  That's why my friends and I set up phone dates.  To get a call out of nowhere is very disconcerting for me.  Yeah, I know, millennial or introvert problems, but if he can't or won't do this simple thing, what else am I signing up for?  I lost interest after that one, too.  

As weird as it is to say this, I'm thankful for all the crap I went through with S in Korea.  I now know what a shitty, toxic relationship looks like and I know what to reject right away.  I keep coming back to something my sorority sister posted - you can't turn a man whore into a husband.  As I haven't had much experience with dating, it was an eye-opener being around him.  Same thing with E - I know what to keep an eye out for... now if I just keep listening to my instincts and not making excuses.  Prayers are appreciated, if you are of the inclination.  

As for the job, I am good for now.  We shall see what the new year holds.  I think I would be ok with staying around here, but I'd also be ok with moving.  So we shall see what we shall see.  I have decided that I needed a new goal, so I'm going to learn French.  Once I've learned French I may try another language.  I know Arabic and Korean are in high demand... and I do still love German... I'll figure it out.  I still want to work internationally, but I may be coming around to having a real home base in the States.  I'm kinda torn between wanting to travel all the time and wanting to put down some roots.  Again, we shall see.  I guess that's my motto for 2022 - "We shall see."

Anyway, those are my thoughts such as they are at the moment.  I hope all of you are doing well and please know that I love and miss you!  MUAH! :* 

Friends in New(old) Places

I know - another post, so soon!  But the last one was a 'sorry, this is what has been going on' thing.  This one is more 'contemplating the nature of friendships and how life changes us.'   

It's a weird thing, to move back to what is essentially your hometown.  I carry with me all the places I've been, all the people I've met, and I'm not the same me who left.  Just the same, the people here have had their own experiences, triumphs and tragedies, and they are also no longer the same.  Therefore, it can be difficult to pick up friendships where they left off.  I think that sometimes the changes have been too drastic and while we are friendly toward each other, there is no longer room in each other's lives for the other.  And that is OK!  We are not meant to be the same people we were before, and just because there's no longer room for one another doesn't mean there is animosity or apathy toward each other.  It just means that our lives have diverged to the point where we no longer have anything in common.  

I've learned a lot about myself since moving home.  First off, I don't like going to another person's house.  To me, it seems invasive.  (Obvious exceptions to this rule exist.  I'm 100% comfortable walking into about 4 homes of people I'm not related to, it just so happens that 3 of them are in TX.)  My home is my sanctuary, if I invite you to it that means we have become so close that I want you in my personal space.  I assume others feel the same way, so I am very much like a vampire.  I will not come over unless invited and even then I'd rather we meet up somewhere and then go our separate ways.  Secondly, I am very aware of who I consider to be 'my' friends and who are 'common friends because of relatives.'  Some of the common friends I do consider 'my' friends, and you probably know who you are, but I am not likely to reach out to common friends.  Why?  Well, I figure that in the before times when we all would hang out, I was tolerated because of my relationship to their friend.  I don't want to be intrusive and assume that because they were friends with my relative, by extension they were friends with me.  Again, people change, dynamics shift, and what was once acceptable in your 20's becomes bloody rude in your 30s.  

All of this being said, I truly appreciate and treasure those people who were in my life before and who are in my life now.  This past weekend with R, C, and A was exactly what I needed.  R and I were able to chat for a few hours over drinks at Wyoming Ale Works.  Both of us having Facebook has allowed us to keep track of each other, but to actually be able to chat and gossip like old times was truly a blessing.  The funny thing was that just like talking to my friend S, R remembers WAY more people than I do.  She actually did go to a different school tho, so that's ok.  LOL.  Crazy to think that I held both of her kids when they were babies... and after the 2nd one she told me it was my turn.  Over a decade later and that's still a NOPE!

My time with C and A felt like a breath of fresh air when I had been choking on a fog.  Both of them have moved away and moved back so they understand some of the challenges I face.  (So has S, and I love our early dinner dates... we just don't have them often enough, really... must fix that.)  I told them the story of the rumor and the hoopla and both nodded sagely and said they have also been burned by the town.  I suspect that no one who has lived here any amount of time hasn't heard something awful about themselves.  Take boredom, long winters, and general pettiness, mix it around a bit and you get small town USA.  Mom says her town was no better - the owner of the local store saw a 20% drop in business every time he bought a new car.  "People figured he was doing fine, he didn't need their money.  After a couple months, they came back."  It's no wonder there's so many movies about small towns - the drama is never ending.  

I have joked that coming back felt like the beginning of a Lifetime movie.  World traveling outcast comes back to hometown.  Now, much like Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina, she is considered attractive by some of the men.  Being single and looking, she tries to date some of the single ones with no luck.  She decides to chase a man who is married with kids.  She stalks his wife, learning her quirks and interests and slowly becomes her in order to seduce him.  She succeeds (probably due to something she puts in his beer) but the wife somehow takes her out and buries her scheming body in a deep hole.  The town assumes the temptress has moved on until years later her rotted remains are dug up in some farmer's field.  (Something has to be dug up with her... the wig she used that looked like wife's hair or similar.)  Man, wife, and children live happily ever after.  Now, if this were a Hallmark movie it would be quite different.  Then the story would be single woman comes back to town to help out her mom who's husband has been sick.  She gets a job at a local liquor store and becomes friends with a lonely widower or a workaholic rancher or something.  Maybe she meets the local vet when she takes her mom's cats in for their shots and then once he finds out where she works he comes in more often.  (Whomever it is, it turns out that they have been giving the booze away to someone - perhaps an alcoholic parent or something, they themselves can't have a drinking problem, after all, and it will set up some kind of conflict for later.  Maybe they are saving it for a Christmas party... lots of small shopping trips instead of one big one.)  They become friendly and he asks her out on a date.  (Naturally this happens around Christmas.)  They hit it off and everything is happy until something goes wrong... maybe she goes off the deep end a bit when her stepdad unexpectedly passes away.  Maybe she gets too wrapped up in taking care of her mom and doesn't have time for the man anymore.  Maybe the alcoholic relative causes some kind of issue for their relationship (big misunderstanding, of course, enter the rumor).  Then he somehow brings her out of the deep end, or reminds her that she needs to care for herself as well, or sets the record straight.  Somehow he rescues her from something and they realize how madly in love they are.  They get engaged, credits roll, happily ever after is assumed.  

I've always been adamant that we create our own stories.  Mine will likely be nothing like Lifetime or Hallmark, but the much more realistic Simple Life.  I'll apply for jobs, meet guys through dating sites, enjoy time with friends (old and new) and figure out eventually that one can have a career, a relationship, and a life.  Adventures and shenanigans will be had, as well as tragedy and heartache.  That's the way it is.  I am optimistic about my story... no matter what, it will be MINE.  It's been pretty great so far, no reason to believe it won't continue.  

These are some of the thoughts that I wanted to share but couldn't in the last post.  I am sometimes lonely and homesick for TX.  Other times I'm overwhelmed by how much I love this state and some of the people in it.  At the end of the day, I am still glad to be here.  Town BS aside, I'm loving having this time with Mom, being able to take a step back and really think about what I want from life and how to get it, having some fun and taking advantage of the beautiful landscape we have around here.  One of the pictures that I took this fall is even going to be in a 'Magnificent Wyoming' calendar!  

Speaking of pictures, here's a recap of my October... not all of them, of course, but to give you an idea of what I've been up to. ;)  They loaded backwards, so we'll start with Halloween.

The Halloween kitties.

My new buddy from Mom.

My new buddy from me.

Awesome yard in Casper.

Enjoying the sunshine in Casper.

Such a nice day (and one of the last, if I'm any judge).

Cool tree.

Nice park.

Feeling my outfit at work.  Flannel DRESS!

The HU

Taking Chevy to the vet - cat in a bag.

First snow and slow flowers.

Mom and I having lunch at the Horseshoe BarNGrill in Casper at the beginning of the month.

Three trips to Casper this month... whew!  LOL.

Rumortown, oh Rumortown

 I know, I know, it's been a whole month and no blog post!  Sorry, sorry... I've been getting into the groove and still trying to figure out how to live here again.  I guess you could say that the shiny veneer has worn off and I've been reminded of why I was so happy to get out of here.

Small town America could be a sociologist's dream if we had the ability to accurately track the evolution of a rumor.  I've been here for 6 months, the incident happened 2 months ago and the culmination of the rumor was the guy's wife coming to my work to vehemently inform me of his martial status.  You remember me telling you about the guy in the drive thru asking for my number, right?  Well somehow the story evolved to become I have a thing for this guy and (I'm assuming) didn't care what his actual status was.  What makes me laugh is I had a helluva time determining that he was married, but determine I did and (for me) that was the end of it.  I haven't seen the guy since.  So when his wife came to the store, I was confused.  Eventually I understood and thought, tho didn't say, she needed to talk to her hubby more than me.  She even brought one of their children as exhibit A.  Thankfully the only other people in the store were my co-worker and the other ladies that (again, I'm assuming) she brought in for backup.  So the joke has been that I'm the Harlot of Freedom, after everyone's husbands.  Sigh... the fact that people have nothing better to do than spread shit around and create drama will never cease to amaze me.  In high school I was a lesbian who got pregnant and now I'm a harlot after everyone's husbands.  I am grateful that those who know me know better than to listen to the rumors... as for the rest, I will just never understand them. 

So I've been processing that particular episode of "Life in Rumortown" and honestly laughing at the absurdity of it.  In the meantime I have actually joined Facebook dating as of yesterday.  I've gotten 4 chats and apparently over 30 guys have "liked" my profile.  So I am at least meeting people the way we do in this day and age.  The good thing about the FB dating is that I can case a wide net that does NOT include Riverton and therefore maybe give the rumor mill less to chew on.  I say might because we went to Casper on Saturday and saw at least 2 other Riverton people we knew there, so... yeah.  

It was a lovely week for going to Casper, though. I was able to have lunch with a dear friend from my K-mart days, which was lovely.  We then met up again at Spirit Halloween since her son was looking for a costume.  It was a good time.  I also got to see my friend C from high school sing.  We figured out that it has been about 14 years since I last heard him... that was when he was Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha.  The show was great.  I also ran into his sister A, who I ended up sitting next to during the show.  Afterward we all went to the saloon at their hotel for drinks and catching up.  It was nice to be able to talk to people who had also moved away and moved back.  I teased C a bit for not getting in touch more since he knew I was back and he said that I had seemed happy enough.  The thing is, when he saw me that day at work he was right.  I think I had just passed the FSOT and thought that I'd be working for the state dept within a year or so.  Now I'm not so sure that's in the cards, I'm somewhat confused as to my direction in life, and a voice in my head is telling me to stay with Mom until my student loans are paid off.  That would make financial sense... after all, my bills will never be lower than they are now.  I just don't know... I will figure it out, don't worry.  

I guess when I'm dealing with all this kind of uncertainty I prefer to keep it to myself.  No offense to anyone, but I'm not looking for any advice... I know I need to trust God and make my plans but be open to change and put myself out there on Indeed and LinkedIn and all the other gobbledygook people usually say in these situations.  I've also been dipping my toe in the dating pool and I've always preferred to keep that part of my life private.  I only mentioned E on here because I thought we were kinda serious... now I'm thinking of not mentioning ANYONE until there's jewelry involved.  The fallout of being ghosted by E on top of losing my stepdad sucked.  What sucked even more was how people reacted to my sadness.  I got a lot of 'get over it' and 'we need you better' and 'what's the big deal, you knew it could all be BS' and believe it or not, none of that really helped the matter.  I had been told for years that I needed to feel my feelings... then I did and was told I was doing it wrong!  I'm sure people meant well, but I really didn't need the extra pressure to be 'ok' ASAP.  

I think that brings you up to speed.  Work is work... some days are better than others.  I'm in super bitchy mode today mostly due to hormones.  I went to see Dune with my friend J last night, which was quite fun.  The Acme theater is way different than I remember.  Such comfy seats!!  This is the same J that I usually have lunch with, so I had joked that we were taking our friendship to a new level.  We may become theater buddies.  LOL.  He was super into it (has read all the books) and was frustrated with a woman to his left who was on her phone the WHOLE TIME.  Talk about RUDE.  The weather has officially gotten cold... I hate when it's the same as my age.  Sigh.  Mom and I have figured out the stove, so between the heat and blankets we are pretty toasty.  We are planning some fun weekends in Nov, so I'm looking forward to those.  

I'm coming to accept that my time back in Riverton may be longer than I had originally planned, so I'm trying to figure out how to live here and maintain my sanity.  I think a general policy of non-involvement and a dating radius of more than 30 mins will be a good start.  I am excited to hang out with C and A more often now that we've all exchanged phone numbers, and who knows, maybe FB dating will be good for me.  Can't hurt to try, right?  Much love, dear readers.... and sorry it's been so long, AL.  ;)