Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Buffering

 Everyone knows what buffering is, right?  Well, at the moment that seems to be what my brain is doing.  Buffering.  

So much has changed... my brain seems to be trying to catch up and figure out how it feels about it all (now that I have J's voice in my head asking me how I FEEL about things).  I am happy to be back in TX, but I also miss my people in WY.  I'm happy to be in the US, but I miss things about Korea.  I'm happy that I've been able to travel and see the world but I'm envious of those who stay in one place and truly have a home (a place that's home, I mean... my homes are with my people).  Every decision I have made has led me to the life that I lead, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I had made different choices.  I never expected to be back at GRMC, and yet I think I can do good work there.  Where would I be if I never left?  It makes no sense to think these thoughts - what has been done has been done, after all - and yet, I wonder.

Looking ahead, should I apply to the State department again?  Do I still want to travel the world, or have I got to where I'd rather put down some roots and make my home a place?  I know that I want to get married, what are the chances I'll change my mind about kids?  How will that change things?  Do I want to get a house in TX?  Could I even pretend to afford one these days?  In what circumstances do I actually thrive, and which ones do I merely survive?  Most of these thoughts are down at a subconscious level, but they do surface from time to time.  The double-edged sword of our world - so many options, so many avenues, you can't help but wonder if you would have been happier making different decisions.  If you subscribe to the many universes' theory (as I do), I like to imagine that all the me's are happy.  The one who chose to stay in WY and raise a family, the one who is an international spy, the one who lives in Greece as a tour guide, the one who married a Texan and decided to raise chickens (LOL).  Dwelling on what might have been isn't helpful, but imagining my other stories can be a decent coping mechanism.  What is the next chapter of this story?  Does the plucky blonde find a decent, nerdy guy?  Does she get tired of the dating scene and become a consecrated single?  Does she decide to get a house and take in troubled young people?  Does she foster all the old cats and dogs of Tarrant county, giving them good lives until they pass away?  Does her 'pet cemetery' become the local haunted ground due to the fact that she gives out MAJOR bog-witch vibes, even in TX?!  Do the local kids think she's a witch?  OK, I may have gone a little far down the 'local witch' rabbit hole, but it's a fun rabbit hole to go down.  

Truly, I don't know what is in store for me.  This time I don't see my time at GRMC as transitory... perhaps this does become my longer-than-5-years job.  Maybe this time I decide to get a house - or a property with a bunch of tiny houses on it so it becomes my little commune/family vacation spot.  Make it a little bnb except the rooms aren't attached to each other.

I am happy to be back in TX, and I do like my job at GRMC.  I just miss all the other pieces of my heart that I've scattered all over the world... oh to be in Heaven where our hearts are whole and healed.  

Just wanted to share with you some of my half-formed thoughts and feelings.  I'm going to San An this weekend to see my bestie and talk some of this out.  In the meantime, much love to all of my readers and please know that you have a part of my heart. MUAH! :*

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Easter and Yankees

 Part of moving to a new place is trying to find a new church.  I’ve got about 3 that are fairly close to me, and I plan on going to each of them.  The first one I chose to go to on Easter was St. Thomas Beckett.  The reason I chose this one is that they were offering confession before Mass on Sunday and while I had been to a general absolution service, I didn’t 100% understand it, and wanted to make sure I was good to take communion (it being Easter and all).  This church is unique to me in that the parish priest is a convert from Anglicanism, so he’s married.  Apparently, the church is part of the Personal Ordinate of the Chair of Saint Peter, which according to Wikipedia is “a personal ordinate in the Latin church for priests and laypeople from an Anglican background, that enables them to retain elements of their Anglican patrimony after entering the Catholic Church.”

I had been to an Anglican service before at my friend JT’s wedding, so I wasn’t totally surprised by the communion rail.  However, some of the prayers had a different translation than I was used to and the Mass seemed to be much more traditional.  For example, some responses were sung in Latin, and there was a high alter which meant that during the Eucharistic prayers the priest did not face the congregation, but rather faced the alter.  The thing that really struck me about the Mass was the reverence for the Host.  With one or two exceptions, everyone in the congregation knelt at the communion rail and received the Host on their tongue.  Because the priest had his back to us, my attention was drawn to the host being held up during the transubstantiation (when it changes from bread to the body of Christ) and from there, to the cross hanging above the alter.  I think that really drives home the whole beautiful sacrifice of the Mass (for me, anyway), and made the service somehow more special.  Some day I would love to go to a high Latin Mass – singing the responses in Latin used to be one of my favorite parts of Christmas Mass (as that was usually the only time of year it happened).

The parish seemed to be made up of mostly families with small children, a few older folks, and one or two young couples.  Maybe it’s just because it was Easter, but there seemed to be quite a lot of young children there.  They did have food and drinks available after Mass, but I didn’t stick around.  Didn’t want to be a creeper.  The rest of my day was gloriously lazy and uneventful.  I mostly watched Netflix, reactivated my dating account, and ended up chatting with someone in TX.  As promised, I won’t go into details on the dating (so many highs and lows), but suffice to say I’m cautiously hopeful.

On Tuesday I got to see my CT Yankees (as I will forever refer to them from now on, as they are PROPER yanks), and I must say, their 2-year-old is TOO STINKIN’ CUTE!  Ah, pictures do not do that kid justice.  It was so nice to catch up with them since the last time I saw them was 5 years ago at their wedding!  We met up in Lampasas, TX which is a cute little town that I always pass thru on the way down to San Antonio to see J&D.  Turns out they have a sculpture park there, so that’s where our adventure started.  We then went on to Fiesta Winery, which is one of my favorites.  It’s out in the boondocks, but SUCH a beautiful place.  We got hungry and the extrovert in our group decided to ask where the best place to eat would be.  The lady there directed us about 5 miles further down the road into Bend, TX.  At the Bend General Store, we found they also had a bar and grill.  Sir Extrovert was AMAZED at the place.  He’d never been to TX before and certainly had never been to somewhere like the general store / bar and grill.  It was impressive.  I mean, I didn’t expect bungalows and a pool!  Good food, snarky signs, decent(ish) weather, random chickens, and great company made for a lovely dinner.  After that we parted ways and when I got home I spend about 2 hours on the couch before going to bed.  With fighting the wind on the road all day, I was pretty much BEAT. 

Fun sculptures

G and D playing with the tractor.
Have a HUGE catfish!
Fiesta Winery.


Such beautiful grounds.

I want this.
Such cute family - look at the look on the little one's face... he's up to something!
Food - Mom, you been here???
Told you there was a pool!
Friends for LONG time!
Every bar should have chickens.
Fun signs.
We tried all day to get good pix of all of us... 
I didn't know where to look... lol
I got hugs!
We finally got a decent one.

I just realized that it’s been one month since I started working at GMRC and I do think I made the right choice, but with evals coming up I’m reminded of how much work we still have to do.  Things haven’t changed a lot around here, but it’s nice to hear things like “at least you have Mandi” and “Thank God Mandi’s here, she can do that.”  I told my old boss I was going to get an ego if I stayed, and she said she didn’t think there was much danger of that.  Once we get things figured out, it’ll be easier to change/update them as time passes.  One thing that strikes me is how much of my work from before is still here – signs that I made, boards that I updated, processes I started – something of a legacy, I suppose. 

I did celebrate getting health insurance by making an appointment with a doctor in our clinic.  I’ve been wondering about the thyroid medication that I’d ran out of back in October.  Well, we checked my levels and she says she doesn’t think that I need to be on it anymore (and I agree.  I wonder if I was originally put on it because I was fat(er, this was 50 lbs ago) and the original doc didn’t want to mention anything so she figured the thyroid pill would ‘fix’ it.  She also never mentioned that I was prediabetic, tho my fasting blood sugar always came in at over 100… so many questions, never to have answers.  Ah well, sigh.).  Therefore, to address the exhaustion I’ve been struggling with, I decided to get some supplements.  I’m taking magnesium and a b-complex with vitamin c.  Hopefully that will help my energy levels.  The thing is, I need to take them with food.  So, in order to take them every day, I can’t do the extended fasts that I’m used to doing.  I’m instead doing an adjusted one where on my ‘fasting’ days I eat somewhere around 500 calories.  That way I can take my supplements and still feel like I’m getting the benefits of a longer fast.  I’m going to try this for 60 days to see how I feel/what I’ve lost and go from there.  Everything else was also good, so no need for me to follow up until next year (unless something changes, I guess).  I did get the “if you want kids, it’s time to seriously start thinking about that” talk and the “birth control could help with cramps, here are your options” convo.  The 2nd one was a LOVELY (sarcasm) convo in which my doc said “If you choose X birth control, that might get you all the way until menopause” … which was a sentence I could have gone my whole life without hearing.  I know it’s a thing, and I know it’s coming, but to think that I could get an IUD and then when I take it out not have to worry about fertility anymore because I’m going thru THE CHANGE is a weird thought.  Oy vey.  She did prescribe me a strong version of Aleve for my cramps… she didn’t quite like how much ibuprofen I told her I take for them, and frankly neither did I, which is why I brought it up.  Hopefully it helps. 

I can officially say that I’m healthy, I am content with the changes I’ve made, and while I can’t say that I’m totally happy or stress-free, I am on my way to that.  I’ve found that I’m most content when I’m secure in my job, have a handle on my finances, and can look forward to seeing friends/having shenanigans planned.  It’s going to take some time for me to feel secure in my job and know my expenses/income situation.  As for seeing friends/shenanigans… oh honey, we have those!  HEHEHE!!  I get to spend some time with my Mexican family to celebrate the patriarch’s 80th birthday, my friend T is coming down from OKC next month for BFD (hmmm… so many acronyms), and I am sensing a San An trip is in my future.  There is stress, but it’s good stress.  I do feel loved and appreciated, and that is a wonderful thing. 

Monday, April 11, 2022

Taking a Deep Breath

It’s amazing what can change in a short period of time.  I’ve been in Texas for a month now.  I’ve been at my job for 3 weeks.  I’ve gotten my car insurance updated, car inspected, and will be registering it this week.  I’ve lived with a friend and moved into my own place.  I’ve started over from scratch and thanks to the generosity of my friends and co-workers, I’ve been able to furnish my apt and make it comfortable.  I got a library card so that I can have access to books, movies, and cd’s without having to spend any $ on them.  I took this past weekend as a chance to relax in my own home and kind of push pause for a day.

There’s generally a lot to process when making a big life change.  The funny thing is this doesn’t seem all that big.  I moved back to a place that I know and a company that I’ve worked at before.  Most of the changes that have been made around here have been positive, and I’m excited about the direction we’re trying to move toward.  I’m living alone again and while the apartment isn’t amazingly luxurious, it’s affordable, clean, and comfortable.  There is no direct sunlight coming in, which in TX is a VERY good thing, and it’s a quiet apartment complex.  They are a little crazy about parking, IMO, but I can live with that for the price I pay.  (Seriously, for kicks I was looking at one slightly closer to work but much newer and they want $1500 per month for a one bed, one bath.  WTH!?)  

My friends helped me move in (one being duped into helping, it seems), and I am eternally grateful to them for that.  It was a busy 2 days of carrying things upstairs… thank God it was only one flight – next time, MOVERS.  I’d say moving in was super stressful and based on how I felt for the following week, it took quite a toll on my body as well.  The thing was in just a weekend I got to see 7 of my favorite humans, have food at my favorite brewhouse AND my favorite Mexican place, and be secure in the knowledge that I made the right decision for myself.  Yes, I do miss WY – I miss my family, my adopted families, and my friends.  I miss the scenery though I do NOT miss the weather.  I miss being able to have lunch with Mom and dinner with Dad and Carole.  Living back in R-town wasn’t all THAT bad.  However, the people that I’m closest to are in Texas (or come here more often than WY).  So, coming back to TX really was more like coming home than being in WY was.  I guess being here for 12 years will do that to you.  

All in all, I’m happy to be back.  I’ve still got a few things to sort out for my apartment, but they are small and mostly cosmetic.  My old boss has a dresser for me, and I still need a table and chairs but that’s not a huge deal.  There’s some other stuff I’d like to get – displays for my necklaces and earrings comes to mind – but it’s not really a priority.  Really, I’m at the point where I’m going to be filling up my fridge and cupboards once I get paid.  I did get some frozen pizzas last week and it was nice to be able to use the pizza pan from my childhood again.  Also, the stove and dishwasher both work!  I think the stove/oven is from the 80’s.  

I didn’t have much energy this weekend, but I’m chalking that up to needing to refresh and relax.  I did get up early on Saturday to get my inspection, which required also getting 4 new tires, then coming back to actually GET the inspection.  It was a busy morning, so I took the rest of the day to rest.  My mental state seems to be in a weird place – almost stasis when I don’t have anything to do.  I finished one of my books (Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett, a favorite) and started another (Lovecraft Country which looks fun).  Adjusting to getting up early hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be.  During the week I’m up at 6am, have my coffee, out of the house and on the road by 7.  I get to work around 8-ish and start my day.  I get off around 5ish and head back home, sometimes stopping in Cleburne to get groceries or run thru a drive thru for dinner.  I am happy to report that I’m back to ADF and it’s been working as I’m back below a certain weight.  I still have 30 to go to goal 1 and 50 to goal 2, but I’m mostly focusing on the fact that I’ve kept 50 from when I started doing IF.  Apparently the 2nd 50 just comes and goes as it pleases.  I did get down to close to my ultimate goal in Korea (within 10 lbs.), but I think the last 2.5-ish years of being constantly under stress ended up taking a toll.  I must give a shout out to my bestie for reminding me about the stress every now and then.  I tend to downplay it; she reminds me it’s a thing and has significant effects on the mind and body.  I gotta say, the woman has a point.  

As I get more settled in to work and the routine of life, I figure I can reassess.  In my experience, it takes about 6 months after a huge change to feel that I’m established again, so I have that to look forward to.  Life in TX is way more expensive than it was in WY, but all in all life here is more suited to my psyche.  I love my office, my bosses are great, my coworkers are chill, the commute isn’t horrible, the weather is nicer, there’s more music and festival opportunities, and I’m closer to some of my favorite humans (let’s face it, I’ll never be around ALL my favorite humans – darn it all).  I feel like I’m in a good place and that I’m where God wants me to be.  Now, if he could just drop my future husband on my doorstep with a neon sign that would be greeeeat.  LOL