Buffering

 Everyone knows what buffering is, right?  Well, at the moment that seems to be what my brain is doing.  Buffering.  

So much has changed... my brain seems to be trying to catch up and figure out how it feels about it all (now that I have J's voice in my head asking me how I FEEL about things).  I am happy to be back in TX, but I also miss my people in WY.  I'm happy to be in the US, but I miss things about Korea.  I'm happy that I've been able to travel and see the world but I'm envious of those who stay in one place and truly have a home (a place that's home, I mean... my homes are with my people).  Every decision I have made has led me to the life that I lead, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I had made different choices.  I never expected to be back at GRMC, and yet I think I can do good work there.  Where would I be if I never left?  It makes no sense to think these thoughts - what has been done has been done, after all - and yet, I wonder.

Looking ahead, should I apply to the State department again?  Do I still want to travel the world, or have I got to where I'd rather put down some roots and make my home a place?  I know that I want to get married, what are the chances I'll change my mind about kids?  How will that change things?  Do I want to get a house in TX?  Could I even pretend to afford one these days?  In what circumstances do I actually thrive, and which ones do I merely survive?  Most of these thoughts are down at a subconscious level, but they do surface from time to time.  The double-edged sword of our world - so many options, so many avenues, you can't help but wonder if you would have been happier making different decisions.  If you subscribe to the many universes' theory (as I do), I like to imagine that all the me's are happy.  The one who chose to stay in WY and raise a family, the one who is an international spy, the one who lives in Greece as a tour guide, the one who married a Texan and decided to raise chickens (LOL).  Dwelling on what might have been isn't helpful, but imagining my other stories can be a decent coping mechanism.  What is the next chapter of this story?  Does the plucky blonde find a decent, nerdy guy?  Does she get tired of the dating scene and become a consecrated single?  Does she decide to get a house and take in troubled young people?  Does she foster all the old cats and dogs of Tarrant county, giving them good lives until they pass away?  Does her 'pet cemetery' become the local haunted ground due to the fact that she gives out MAJOR bog-witch vibes, even in TX?!  Do the local kids think she's a witch?  OK, I may have gone a little far down the 'local witch' rabbit hole, but it's a fun rabbit hole to go down.  

Truly, I don't know what is in store for me.  This time I don't see my time at GRMC as transitory... perhaps this does become my longer-than-5-years job.  Maybe this time I decide to get a house - or a property with a bunch of tiny houses on it so it becomes my little commune/family vacation spot.  Make it a little bnb except the rooms aren't attached to each other.

I am happy to be back in TX, and I do like my job at GRMC.  I just miss all the other pieces of my heart that I've scattered all over the world... oh to be in Heaven where our hearts are whole and healed.  

Just wanted to share with you some of my half-formed thoughts and feelings.  I'm going to San An this weekend to see my bestie and talk some of this out.  In the meantime, much love to all of my readers and please know that you have a part of my heart. MUAH! :*