Processing the pain and sadness

 I had the day off on Monday.  I slept in until 10 am (not something I do much these days) and then I sat with my coffee and contemplated what to do.  Everyone else was working today (as far as I know) and I could do some work for GRMC or I could take a day and do... something.  I decided to do... something.  

When I was in Korea, I complained a lot about not having a car to process my emotions in.  I remembered that on Monday.  So I decided to go for a drive and visit a few used book stores along the way.  First I went to Meadowlark Books in downtown Riverton.  There I found a book for me, one for Mom, and one for a kid.  Then I drove to Lander and on the way I contemplated the drastic turn things have taken.  How do I process this hurt, this sadness?  If you know me, you know that I'm not much of one for counting her chickens before they've hatched.  I said the whole time that I'd be amazed if E didn't flake out on me.  That being said, I did have some fun imagining what life would be like if we did decide to make it work.  Not gonna lie, I got some warm fuzzies imagining the snuggly Star Wars marathons, the trips, the arguments over who drives, all the ups and downs of a relationship (not having been in one for years, I can't really say what they are actually like, but I wanted to find out).  After being ghosted I have to face the fact that he wasn't who I thought he was - I certainly never thought he was a coward who would just disappear into the ether when he came home.  So now I'm faced with my reaction.  Do I try again hoping against hope that THIS TIME it's different?  Do I wall up my heart again and pretend that I don't want a marriage?  Do I focus on my job search and forget about romance all together until I'm in a better position to consider it?  Is this even something I want to actively consider any more or do I just want to let the chips fall where they may?  I've been joking a lot about going to Jackson to try to find a sugar daddy... am I really joking?!  I'm not sure what I actually need to do to move on from this... I just know that I need to move on.

I went to The Lost Chapter in Lander, which is a cute little used book store.  There I found a book for me and one for my older sister.  After that, I went to a coffee shop for a dirty chai and a scone.  Using their wifi, I searched for other used book stores.  Every one that came up in my search was permanently closed, so I gave up on that idea.  I decided to come home via the reservation roads.  I bypassed Ethete and used 17 mile road instead.  I haven't been out that way in AGES.  I had thought about going up into the mountains, but the smoke from the fires was pretty bad and I didn't think I'd see much up there.  Lander was reminding me a lot of a little Austin and I was wondering when we're going to start seeing 'keep Lander weird' T-shirts.  I stopped at Mr. D's (the grocery store) just to see what they have and we don't... not a lot, tbh.  Still, it was nice getting out of Riverton for a while.  I wanted to find an already-made 7 layer dip to go with the chips we have at home, but decided to stop at Smiths and get some stuff to make nachos on my own (salsa, bean dip, and guac).  Now here I am, sharing my thoughts and just as lost as when I started.

The pragmatist in me is saying to give up on dating and men altogether.  After all, watching the pain of someone who has lost a spouse will tear you the hell UP.  However, I know without asking that the experience of loving someone that much is worth the pain left when they are gone.  I've dealt with enough loss in my own life to know that as much as it hurts to miss them, the experience of knowing them is something to be treasured.  So the pragmatist gets overruled.  The realist says to try again until I find the one who stays.  The wounded one says 'not yet.'  Every time I'm let down, it gets harder and harder to trust myself to try again.  Basically at this point I'm ready for J's mom to arrange a marriage for me!  I obviously suck at this.  

As for the sadness... that's just going to be a thing for a while, I think.  As long as I don't fall into a full-blown depression, I should be ok.  Maybe someday I'll wake up and not be as sad anymore... I'm going to cling to that hope.  

The Could-Have-Beens

 Part of what I've been dealing with the last few weeks are the Could-Have-Beens.  Suddenly, my "plan" has been tossed out the window, I'm floating on a sea of uncertainty clinging to a bit of driftwood and trying not to drown.  None of my plans were concrete, I was well aware that I may be building my dreams on nothing more substantial than a bit of candyfloss (cotton candy for those who don't speak Brit), and yet it hurts knowing that those dreams will never come true.  It makes me sad for what could have been.

What do I mean?  Well, I won't be leaving my mom with a recovered hubby when it's time to leave R-town.  The state dept is a dream I refuse to give up on (it's the gov, it can take some time, and I'm also kinda blaming some of the delay on COVID).  However, it's as uncertain as anything right now.  The really hard one to give up is the one that I've spent so long denying and then had some fun imagining.  Rejection always sucks, but it sucks most of all when you feel as if you've been used and then tossed aside when no longer convenient.  So I'm sad thinking of the could-have-beens... the visit, the possible move, the dates, the laughter, the support, the fights, the adventure, the life with someone I was crazy about.  I had always joked there had to be something wrong with him, and sure enough, there was.  I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks, so I'm going to assume he wasn't actually divorced... it may or may not be true, but it's a story I can live with.  Whatever the case, I know that I can't be with a man who would do this to me.  So even if he comes back (this time), I can't do this to myself again.  I'm at the point where I can say "yes, I love you but I love me more and I can't have you in my life."  I've done that a few times, but you know what, it never gets easier.  I miss the good stuff.

Right now, I just want to forget my sadness for a while.  I spent the whole day by myself today (minus 30 mins for a conference call with my job in TX), and I came to realize what I really want is to forget that I'm sad.  No wonder people seek distractions when they are grieving or when they are hurting.  Sometimes it's just too much.  And identifying the problem is only part of the solution - because really, how does one truly forget their sadness for a while?  How do I forget that I invested in someone who ghosted me at the earliest convenience?  How do I pause my grief for a bit?  This has been a helluva 1, 2 punch.  A friend joked about kidnapping me one day... truly that would be awesome.  I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, otherwise I might have gone to Casper just to get Buffalo Wild Wings.  Sigh... sorry for the downer of a post, I just wanted to share some more of the stuff I've been wrestling with in this August of Mondays.  Is it any wonder I don't want to get out of bed?  These feelings will pass, eventually I'll no longer hurt the way that I do... but for now, feeling those feelings SUCKS.  I'd never allowed myself to imagine a life with someone before... I guess I see why now.  However, I refuse to go back to not dating and denying that I want a life with a partner-in-crime (jokes about the Golden Girls nonwithstanding).  I just don't want to start over again... modern dating is a nightmare and I'm not sure I'm up for this again.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated.  Thanks for letting me ramble and share some of my hurt.  I hope you all are doing well, and I'm sending my love to all of you.  MUAH!  :*

Green eyes, Guarded heart

There is something about me that a co-worker has pointed out once or twice.  Apparently I'm tough to get to know.  I don't share much about myself and it can be hard to read me sometimes.  I come across as a little guarded, a little cold.  I told her that I know this about myself.  I am guarded, I do keep people at arm's length, and I can be hard to read.  The thing I don't know if she (and others) realize is that there's a reason I'm like this.  It's a defense mechanism.  I've been screwed over so many times that I've built some damn stout walls around myself (especially my heart).  Not everyone I meet has good intentions, after all.  That's a lesson learned the hard way - more than once.  

I find it funny because J used to tell me the same thing.  She once described me as the girl with the green eyes and the guarded heart.  She somehow broke down all my walls, got around my defenses, and became one of my favorite people ever.  Actually, she may have just ignored them all - though it did take me a while to trust her.  Then there was D... crap, I think I loved him the moment we first acknowledged each other in Jeju.  Another one of my favorite people.  You see, I think I originally put up the defenses to 'weed out' those who weren't 'worth it.'  If someone wasn't interested in putting in the effort to get to know me, then that person probably wouldn't put in any effort to continue the friendship.  Sometimes I go on instinct - my instinct isn't always right, and so I still get hurt.  I'm dealing with some of that hurt now.  

It's easy to cut off all contact with someone.  I've done it myself a few times.  The 'block' button does wonders for my peace of mind when I realize that someone no longer needs to have access to me.  Usually this is after months or years of toxic crap on their part and... delusional thinking on my part?  Insecurities?  I'm not totally sure yet - really it's a case-by-case basis.  Now, after doing nothing (that I know of) wrong, I'm the one being cut off from one that I was crazy about.  It's been 2 weeks and I've heard nothing from E.  I'm being ghosted... again... this time is different, though.  This time I'm not going through the "What is wrong with me" spiral, I'm going through a "What was the truth" spiral.  I've decided that he wasn't really divorced... and instead of dealing with the fallout, he decided to deactivate his account on the app that we used to message.  Whether or not that is the case, it's a story I can live with.  I believed what he told me because I like to believe people until they give me reason not to.  Now I have reason not to.  I have no regrets regarding my actions - I, at least, was honest.

So yes, I am guarded.  This example is from the dating world, but trust me when I tell you that former 'friends' have been just as bad.  Gossip is, unfortunately, prevalent everywhere and I LOATHE it.  I don't want to be talked about behind my back - I know that I am, because that's how life is, but I DESPISE it.  And yes, this is a throwback to high school when my 'best friend' spread a rumor about me being a lesbian.  That one apparently got all over the county... and at one point I was a pregnant lesbian.  Sigh... Rumertown.  I guess the point of this blog post is, when you meet someone who is guarded there is usually a reason for it.  I won't be letting my guard down... this experience may have fortified some of the walls.  I am... so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life who either ignored the walls, or felt 'safe' from the start.  I just hate that you all live so DAMN FAR AWAY.  Anyway, rant over.  I love you all and I wish you well - stay healthy, be safe, and come visit when you get a chance.  Life is too short, friends... too damn short. MUAH! :*

Grief is the Price of Love

 I know that my posts have become really sporadic since I've been home.  I've gotten busy with life, the universe, and everything.  We get into a flow and some things end up being less of a priority than they once were.  That being said, I must share some of my thoughts on recent events and how surreal life is when faced with sudden loss.

When someone you love is sick, it's a roller coaster of emotions and diagnoses.  You take it a day at a time - this day was a good day, this day was not so good, this day sucked, that day was AWESOME.  You never get used to the ups and downs, but you always hold on to hope.  Any glimmer of good feeling, any sign of healing and your spirit soars with the hope that this will be the upswing that lasts.  This is the start of the good times returning.  Then any time something bad happens you are plunged into the uncertainty - every new diagnosis, every new prescription, every new complication has you scared that this is the start of the last down turn that will only end when your loved one is gone.  Living with that roller coaster is wonderful, horrible, terrifying, and uplifting.  Every victory is celebrated, every defeat is mourned, and every new prescription is a gamble.  This is what people live with for weeks, months, years, decades even, with their loved ones.  Sometimes we try to mentally prepare ourselves for the worst, but when it happens no one is ever really ready for it.  This one sucked - HARD.

You see, he was getting better.  He was going to therapy, the meds were working, he was getting around better, he could drive himself, he was having fun with his 3-D printer, we were even getting ready for a surgery that may have helped him to eat again.  That's the tragedy of what came next, that's the injustice that we're screaming against, HE WAS GETTING BETTER.  His doc wanted an MRI before the surgery because he "saw something" on a scan and wanted "a better look."  So they drove to the MRI appointment, he goes back to the MRI room.  Code Blue.  Gone.  

Shock.  Disbelief.  Anger.  Hurt.  Tears.  GRIEF.  The grief that comes in waves.  The grief that becomes all-consuming one minute and then recedes the next.  The grief that people judge.  The grief that has 5 steps (maybe, but they are NOT linear steps).  The grief that is the price of love.

Even in our grief we are grateful for some things.  Grateful for the time we had, grateful that this happened at a hospital and not at home or in the car (especially when he was driving).  Grateful that we got to share in his life and that he was a part of ours.  We are even grateful for an answer to the ultimate, awful question - why.  What went wrong?  A sneaky complication with little to no symptoms that spontaneously makes itself known and is most often fatal when it does.  Hard to catch, difficult to treat.  No one to blame.  Well, I say that - God gets a lot of the blame.  On the other hand, he gets a lot of gratitude too.  Gratitude that it didn't happen when he was alone, at home.  Gratitude that it didn't happen while he was driving - with or without a passenger.  Gratitude that people were around to help.  It still sucks, and we would prefer that things had gone differently, but we can see where they could have been much, much worse.

I've experienced grief before - and it's always different and always familiar.  I saw something online once about how grief is the price of love, and it's always stuck with me.  To avoid grief, we have to avoid attachments to others.  That is a lonely existence.  Love is what makes life worthwhile.  Not just romantic love, but the love between friends, parents and children, siblings, even pets, etc.  To life a loveless life would be a bigger tragedy than to grieve those who pass away.  As a Catholic, I do believe that we shall see each other again.  I'm happy that my friends and family are in a place of no more pain, no more sorrow, no more sickness, no more death.  Sometimes I envy them.

Those of us who are left behind have to learn to live in a new world.  A world without the love and support of the one who has passed.  Learning to live with that person-shaped hole in our worlds is rough.  I've also learned that there is no "How To" manual for this.  Everyone experiences their grief differently, they mourn differently, and there is no "correct" way to do it.  The LAST thing a grieving person needs is ANY judgement on how they SHOULD be coping.  So friends, just a little tip, when someone you know is mourning, NEVER, EVER, judge, comment, ridicule, or otherwise try to "should" them.  Now, gentle comments about "this really helped me when XXXXX passed away" is acceptable.  The key word here is GENTLE - generally the grieving person knows how awkward you feel, how you don't know what to say, what to do, or how to help.  My advice - just don't make it worse.

I'm glad to have known him.  I will hold on to my memories of happier times - the cookouts in the old house, the conversation over that one Christmas, enjoying the beer he brewed, and I will cherish the skull he (3-D) printed for me.  Sometimes I get mad at him... then I remember he was probably just as caught off guard as the rest of us.  This wasn't the way it was supposed to go, but it is the way that it went.  The new world is a little... less.  Oh don't get me wrong, he could be a stinker.  But he was OUR stinker and we miss him.  The unreality of it all hits sometimes... this was not the plan, this wasn't in the script... it was always a possibility, but not during an upswing, not when we were getting ready to make the feeding tube obsolete.  I want to scream, shout, punch things, and rail against the damn unfairness of it all... but life isn't fair.  We learn that pretty quick as kids, and it never does become 'fair.'  So show your love, cherish your people, your tribe.  Tell them you love them, tell them often, tell them in your love language and theirs.  Take that trip to see them, make that phone call, send that text.  Don't leave people wondering where they rate in your world, tell them.  As I shall tell you, much love to all: MUAH!  :*  Huge hugs, I wish you nothing but the very best.