Facing Myself

 It's interesting that since coming back from Korea I moved back to the 2 places that featured most prominently in my life - where I grew up and where I have spent most of my adult life.  Usually when I move I think of it as a permanent thing, never going back.  However, I think that facing certain things about both places has been good for me, if somewhat painful in some cases.  The running theme is the same theme that I've danced to most of my life - I simply don't fit in.

Riverton is... complicated for me.  On the one hand, it's where I grew up, my parents are there, I have some really good friends there, and I enjoyed being back.  On the other hand, it's where I was relentlessly bullied, made to feel bad about everything about me, told to change if I wanted to be part of the group... hell, my 'best' friend in HS told me that I'd have to get a boob job if I ever wanted to have a boyfriend.  While working at the liquor store, I interacted with many people from my past.  I think that has helped me to heal parts of myself.  Not that my bullies ever apologized or anything like that, but just something about interacting as adults made me realize that we've all grown up and it's best to put the past behind me.  I had a couple times where I felt some anxiety when I realized who I was interacting with (thank God for our carding rule, otherwise I would NEVER have recognized some of those people), but by the time I left there was none of that anymore.  I think interacting with those who made my life Hell was actually really good for me, in the long run.  My best interaction with someone from high school happened in the drive thru.  He asked if I was who I was and I said yes, then he told me about how his life had gone since HS and what he'd been up to, and when he left he said 'it's been nice meeting you again.'  I still love that - what better way to sum up the fact that we are all different people from who we were, while at the same time paying our former selves some kind of homage.  We had to be them to become us.  I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't gone through some of the stuff I'd gone through.  Did I 'fit in' in Riverton this time?  Still no.  Do I still have the 'ew' factor when I think of going back for a visit?  No.  So I guess there has been some progress made.  

Now Glen Rose and GRMC are... less complicated on some level.  Glen Rose is another small town, so I knew before I ever got here that I'd never 'fit in.'  I imagine its much the same in any country really - unless you've been here for at least 2 generations, you're not really 'local.'  I tried last time I was here.  I got involved at church and I made friends, and I tried.  However, I tend to hold myself apart... to hold back.  Maybe because I know nothing lasts forever, maybe because I still don't trust people, but I tend to hold people at arms length.  GRMC is what I remember, with few changes.  I mean, I'm still fixing things that I fixed LAST time I was here!  I will definitely admit to some feelings of frustration.  However, I'm also coming in post-pandemic and post-a lot of staffing changes, so while it's familiar, it's also not.  I spent most of my adult life in and around the DFW metroplex, so I'm comfortable in knowing how to get around.  This is home to me, which is also weird and causing some adjustments.  I'm officially an adopted Texan... I may not know the songs, but I can get around Dallas and Fort Worth without getting in a wreck (knock wood) and I know what festivals I like to go to.  Do I 'fit in?'  Not really, no... but at least in Fort Worth I'm just one anonymous face among many.  No one cares what I'm doing or who I'm with and as far as I know, no one cares enough to talk about me, and that's just FINE for me.  Mom was wondering how she raised a city gal... well, it's nice to be anonymous when you're used to the R-town rumor mill.  People around GRMC may talk about me, but I'm guessing it's more "She moved to Ft Worth cuz she said she wanted to be able to date, which is fair."  If I tried dating around here it would be more of 'oh, this is what happened during his last relationship, you'll want to watch out for x, y, and z."  Or my absolute fav "Isn't he married?"  Sigh, I swear I'm not a home wrecker!

Speaking of dating, I was talking with my bosses about some of the guys that I've matched with and one asked me if a guy who was never married and had no kids was a red flag for me.  I said no, because I'm also never married and no kids, so how could I red flag them if I'm in the same boat.  As far as I could tell, her logic was that guys usually need someone to take care of them.  It was a revelation for me.  Usually when a guy finds out that I'm in my late 30's, never married, no kids, the question is something about "What's wrong with you?" or "You must be super crazy."  Apparently the flip side of that for guys is something like "Who's been taking care of you, then?"  Which I find ridiculously unfair.  My best friend's hubby was older when they got together, and he had been taking pretty good care of himself.  Of course, we never saw his apt, so the joke has been that he was living in a box... but later when we'd come back to visit we'd stay with him and his apt was always clean, smelled nice, might have some dishes or pizza boxes around, but it was hardly gross.  I'd say that by the time ANYONE reaches a certain age, they better be able to cook, clean, do laundry, and basically handle their life.  Also, I've come to realize something... and I'm gonna be sure to enunciate and type loud so that everyone understands me... HOUSE WORK IS GENDER-NEUTRAL!  Again - house work is gender-neutral.  You live in the house, you do the house work.  I fully expect if I get together with someone that we will share the work - you cook, I do dishes.  I clean this, you clean that.  If someone expects me to to all the housework, then that relationship isn't going to last.  Of course, when I stress clean that's a whole different ball of wax, but you get what I'm saying.  I've gone on a few dates where I get the sense that a guy is looking for a sugar momma/other mother and guess what, those don't get to date #2.  Potential red flags for me are more along the lines of "I'd like you to come over and watch me play Halo" or "Even though we haven't met yet, I consider you my girlfriend" or "I'm still trying to become a rap star." (Yes, I've heard each of those.)  Also any sign of manipulation or coercion, or any hint of "I know what you should do better than you do."  All automatic no-go's.  I know that if/when things get serious with someone there's gonna be a major adjustment period.  Hell, going from a 'me' to 'we' can't be easy at any age!  "Into the unknown" for reals.  

So these are the things that I've been thinking about.  I'm 36 hours into an extended fast at the moment, thinking I might go for 63... weighed myself this AM so I KNOW I could use the extension.  I have also admitted that fasting by itself isn't doing what I'd hoped, so as of July 5 I'm going to be hanging out with Gym again.  Life in TX is much more sedentary than life in Korea or WY was.  Good news is that there is a rowing machine (full body workout FTW!), and since I get off work later than others, I should pretty much have the place to myself.  Told my sis that I'd gained a bunch of weight back and I got 'if you say so.'  Sigh... just trust me, people, it's there!

Maybe it was Memphis

 Having international friends is both a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because I think it's important to have people in my life who come from different backgrounds and have a different perspective than I do.  I think all my friends enrich my life in some way and my international friends are no exception.  The curse comes because I don't get to see them often, so I feel like I have parts of my heart literally scattered all across the darn world.  Going to visit gets expensive fast.  That being said, sometimes life aligns and things work out and I can actually see them, if only for a few hours.

That happened last week.  My friend J from Korea (you all remember J - she's the one who forces me to go OUT and DO things) had a stop-over in Memphis on her way to a new adventure.  Being that she was a mere 8 hour drive away, it was a no-brainer for me to take a day off to go spend some time with her.  As is the mark of a true friendship, once we were together it was as if no time had passed at all.  

So she was actually in this small suburb of Memphis, and I decided to kill some time at a coffee shop that I had googled.  It's called Pink's Coffee Shop.

As you can see, it lived up to it's name.

The drinks you could get either hot or cold.  I got an iced turtle coffee (light ice) and decided to have a breakfast sammich as well.

Waiting on my food and enjoying that my leggings matched the decor.

I like these kinds of paintings, and I did end up purchasing one for myself.

Cheeky bathroom sign.

I thought it was cute that they also give you a tiny bowl of cereal when you get a bfast sammich.

So. Much. Pink.

Then I went down the street to a cute little bakery.  Since I was meeting J, I wanted to get her something "aggressively American" and decided to get her the cookie that was made of 2 chocolate chip cookies with filling in the middle.  I also got her a snickerdoodle since those are my favorites and I didn't think she had had one before.

So after this, I checked into my hotel room and relaxed until it was time to go pick her up.  Not pictured: the reunion, and the trip to Wal-Mart so she could get cash.  Also, Wal-Mart is about as typically American as you can get, so she needed a pic of it.

Then we went to Central BBQ on the recommendation of the ladies at the coffee shop.

Very Southern BBQ.

The plate was as big as she is!  We had a lovely dinner (I got the pulled pork, the ribs were CRAZY expensive for a half-rack), then realized that we were across the street from the National Civil Rights Museum, which is built as an addition to the motel where MLK Jr was assassinated.

We had to take a picture of such a historic site.

A mural across the street from the museum.  We couldn't go in, because of course at this point the museum was closed for the day.

The sign for the hotel.

Then she wanted to go to Beale Street.  I was less excited about this, because the ladies at the coffee shop told me it was touristy and smelled bad.  This argument was beaten by J reminding me that she's a tourist and she also has issues smelling.  So, down to Beale street we went (reminded me a LOT of Burbon street, but it wasn't too busy at 630 on a Thursday.

We walked down and decided to get a drink at Ghost River.

The guy who poured my beer was CUTE.  This is their Heliades' Tears beer.  I was going to get the Bock Bock Chicken Chicken which was a doublebock, but I forgot by the time I got to the counter.

I love their logo.

And their window painting game is STRONG.

We started to leave as the sun went down and the neon came on.

We still CUUUUTE

J is a butterfly!

Legends have their own notes on the sidewalk.  (feet pictured are J, not me... as I'm sure you can tell due to lack of tattoos)

Took us FOREVER and Google to remember who it was who sold their soul at the crossroads for the blues and the ENTIRE rest of the time all I could think of was the Metalocolypse episode where they try to sell their souls but instead TEAR the wording of the contract APART... and we find out that Murderface is a notary.  LOL - love that show.

This was the first time that J has ever driven with me in a car.  For those of you who don't know, Australia is one of the few countries that drive on the WRONG side of the road (the left) which means our passenger side is their driver's side.  So poor J had to deal with the weirdness that comes from being on a side of the road that you aren't used to.  Now, J does not have an Aussie accent, even though she lives there.  Her dad is British, so she has one of the most POSH British accents I've ever heard in my life.  Because of this, I sometimes forget that she's never actually lived in the UK.  The following is a reconstruction of one of the most hilarious misunderstandings we've ever had.

J: What is the speed limit?  Me: It's 55.  J: Then why is no one going 55?!  Me: Well, we usually regard speed limits as being guidelines rather than actual rules.  Since no one is going 55, I'm keeping up with traffic at 70.  J: And the cops don't do anything?  Me: If there was someone around actually GOING 55 and being a hazard to traffic, then maybe they would, but if everyone is speeding they don't really do anything.  J: Oh wow, in Perth everyone is careful to obey the speed limit.  But why is the speed limit 55 on a highway?  I mean, everyone should be CRAWLING along, it doesn't make any sense!  In Perth it would be at least 100 on a highway! (Cue the lightbulb moment for Mandi as she tries to reconcile a 100 speed limit) Me: It's MILES per hour honey, not kilometers.  J: (realization dawning) OH!  That makes so much more sense!  (Laughter ensues.)  In the UK they still use MPH, so because of her accent I thought she was also thinking in MPH... I mean, 100 would be great but most highways top out at 85 and NO ONE would be doing that thru a city!  

Other moments of hilarity: J being happy to listen to my music as opposed to what she'd been listening to during orientation (huge deal as she's not a huge fan of my metal), and during a discussion of my dating life and comments regarding men having a certain fondness for my sitting area, J admitted that every now and then she thinks of that area and how nice it is.  Not gonna lie, that one had me in stitches for a while.  I mean, it's one thing knowing that men have a fondness for it, it's quite another to think of my sweet, hetero friend also being able to appreciate it.  Of course we have also decided that if the whole men thing doesn't work out, we'll just marry each other and enjoy Aussie/American citizenship.  

All in all, it was a wonderful visit, and it was so lovely to be able to spend some quality time with J in my home country and confirm that yes, there is an American stereotype for a reason (one such stereotype was working at the BBQ place).  I wish her all the best on her new adventure and I look forward to the next time we can conspire to get together again.  Hopefully we'll be able to enjoy a longer visit.  

In other news, my apartment complex is being taken over by a new management company, which is interesting.  Apparently I can now pay my rent with a check, which will be nice since I've had to pay a fee every OTHER time I've gone to pay.  Maybe now I'll get some closet doors... stay tuned.

Pix Finally Loaded

 For those of you who were interested in what kind of art was at the Kimball Art Museum, as well as the coffee we had and the pizza, here's the rest now that the pix decided to behave.

More crepe myrtles outside the museum.

Again, my favorite buddha

Cool Japanese screen - reminded me a lot of ones I saw in Korea and Japan.

Earth spirit.

Sassy Hindu goddess

Greek (of course)

Jesus raising Lazarus.

The one I wanted you to see - the Torment of St. Anthony - apparently the first known painting by Michelangelo! 

Virgin and Child

The Card Sharps - an incredible work

I like ships tossed upon stormy seas.

Here - Aphrodite is allowed to have belly rolls, so shall we ALL!!

Venice

I really like Monet

Like, a lot

After-museum coffee at Fort Worth Coffee Company (pictured, L with a bunch of cars)

He got a chai, I got a vanilla latte

Then to SERIOUS PIZZA!!

Buffalo blue cheese

Supreme... we both ended up with like 5 slices to take home.

OK, next post will chronicle my day in Memphis with J... so stay tuned!

An unexpected outing

 I love having random friends - friends who call you at 9am to see what you're doing and what you want to do.  My friend L is like that.  I got a call at 9 am (which woke me up, not gonna lie), then a text, then a call later (after I was awake) and we decided to go to Fort Worth to see some museums, go to a plant store, and have lunch.  He came to pick me up and away we went!

We started at the modern art museum.  I'm 100% ok in admitting that I'm no artist, but I appreciate the ability in others.  Some exhibits were... confusing to me (a bunch of granite stacked together)... but all in all we saw some interesting stuff.

I like the trees.

This thing was HUGE.

I like storms.

I find this TERRIFYING.

I think a wolf got a cow.

Stairway to heaven??

Mona Lisa from the side.

Me on the weekend.  LOL.

JACKELOPE!  

We moved on to the Kimball Art Museum, which was really cool.  Turns out there's a free part to the museum and a paying part.  We just went to the free part, but I got to see paintings by some of the 'majors' - Picasso, Michelangelo, Monet - which was really cool.  I also saw what is now my favorite depiction of the Buddha, cuz he looks like he's just DONE with everyone's crap.

Crepe Myrtles outside.

In a funny twist of fate, the only pic that seems to want to come thru is my favorite Buddha - this sculpture just looks SO DONE with everyone's shit.

Then we went to Fort Worth Coffee Company after looking around a plant shop (that had a dog, so I got to pet the pupper).  It's a cute coffee shop, and the coffee was good!  Then we ended up at Serious Pizza in Fort Worth to see if it's as good as the one in Deep Ellum.  I was slightly disappointed by the quality of the buffalo chicken pizza, but it was still good and we ended up bringing a LOT home.  Then he dropped me off and headed back to his house.  My day wrapped up with a video chat to my bestie in San An and a call to Dad for Father's Day.  All in all, it was a fun outing.

Now: Memphis to see J!