Facing Myself

 It's interesting that since coming back from Korea I moved back to the 2 places that featured most prominently in my life - where I grew up and where I have spent most of my adult life.  Usually when I move I think of it as a permanent thing, never going back.  However, I think that facing certain things about both places has been good for me, if somewhat painful in some cases.  The running theme is the same theme that I've danced to most of my life - I simply don't fit in.

Riverton is... complicated for me.  On the one hand, it's where I grew up, my parents are there, I have some really good friends there, and I enjoyed being back.  On the other hand, it's where I was relentlessly bullied, made to feel bad about everything about me, told to change if I wanted to be part of the group... hell, my 'best' friend in HS told me that I'd have to get a boob job if I ever wanted to have a boyfriend.  While working at the liquor store, I interacted with many people from my past.  I think that has helped me to heal parts of myself.  Not that my bullies ever apologized or anything like that, but just something about interacting as adults made me realize that we've all grown up and it's best to put the past behind me.  I had a couple times where I felt some anxiety when I realized who I was interacting with (thank God for our carding rule, otherwise I would NEVER have recognized some of those people), but by the time I left there was none of that anymore.  I think interacting with those who made my life Hell was actually really good for me, in the long run.  My best interaction with someone from high school happened in the drive thru.  He asked if I was who I was and I said yes, then he told me about how his life had gone since HS and what he'd been up to, and when he left he said 'it's been nice meeting you again.'  I still love that - what better way to sum up the fact that we are all different people from who we were, while at the same time paying our former selves some kind of homage.  We had to be them to become us.  I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't gone through some of the stuff I'd gone through.  Did I 'fit in' in Riverton this time?  Still no.  Do I still have the 'ew' factor when I think of going back for a visit?  No.  So I guess there has been some progress made.  

Now Glen Rose and GRMC are... less complicated on some level.  Glen Rose is another small town, so I knew before I ever got here that I'd never 'fit in.'  I imagine its much the same in any country really - unless you've been here for at least 2 generations, you're not really 'local.'  I tried last time I was here.  I got involved at church and I made friends, and I tried.  However, I tend to hold myself apart... to hold back.  Maybe because I know nothing lasts forever, maybe because I still don't trust people, but I tend to hold people at arms length.  GRMC is what I remember, with few changes.  I mean, I'm still fixing things that I fixed LAST time I was here!  I will definitely admit to some feelings of frustration.  However, I'm also coming in post-pandemic and post-a lot of staffing changes, so while it's familiar, it's also not.  I spent most of my adult life in and around the DFW metroplex, so I'm comfortable in knowing how to get around.  This is home to me, which is also weird and causing some adjustments.  I'm officially an adopted Texan... I may not know the songs, but I can get around Dallas and Fort Worth without getting in a wreck (knock wood) and I know what festivals I like to go to.  Do I 'fit in?'  Not really, no... but at least in Fort Worth I'm just one anonymous face among many.  No one cares what I'm doing or who I'm with and as far as I know, no one cares enough to talk about me, and that's just FINE for me.  Mom was wondering how she raised a city gal... well, it's nice to be anonymous when you're used to the R-town rumor mill.  People around GRMC may talk about me, but I'm guessing it's more "She moved to Ft Worth cuz she said she wanted to be able to date, which is fair."  If I tried dating around here it would be more of 'oh, this is what happened during his last relationship, you'll want to watch out for x, y, and z."  Or my absolute fav "Isn't he married?"  Sigh, I swear I'm not a home wrecker!

Speaking of dating, I was talking with my bosses about some of the guys that I've matched with and one asked me if a guy who was never married and had no kids was a red flag for me.  I said no, because I'm also never married and no kids, so how could I red flag them if I'm in the same boat.  As far as I could tell, her logic was that guys usually need someone to take care of them.  It was a revelation for me.  Usually when a guy finds out that I'm in my late 30's, never married, no kids, the question is something about "What's wrong with you?" or "You must be super crazy."  Apparently the flip side of that for guys is something like "Who's been taking care of you, then?"  Which I find ridiculously unfair.  My best friend's hubby was older when they got together, and he had been taking pretty good care of himself.  Of course, we never saw his apt, so the joke has been that he was living in a box... but later when we'd come back to visit we'd stay with him and his apt was always clean, smelled nice, might have some dishes or pizza boxes around, but it was hardly gross.  I'd say that by the time ANYONE reaches a certain age, they better be able to cook, clean, do laundry, and basically handle their life.  Also, I've come to realize something... and I'm gonna be sure to enunciate and type loud so that everyone understands me... HOUSE WORK IS GENDER-NEUTRAL!  Again - house work is gender-neutral.  You live in the house, you do the house work.  I fully expect if I get together with someone that we will share the work - you cook, I do dishes.  I clean this, you clean that.  If someone expects me to to all the housework, then that relationship isn't going to last.  Of course, when I stress clean that's a whole different ball of wax, but you get what I'm saying.  I've gone on a few dates where I get the sense that a guy is looking for a sugar momma/other mother and guess what, those don't get to date #2.  Potential red flags for me are more along the lines of "I'd like you to come over and watch me play Halo" or "Even though we haven't met yet, I consider you my girlfriend" or "I'm still trying to become a rap star." (Yes, I've heard each of those.)  Also any sign of manipulation or coercion, or any hint of "I know what you should do better than you do."  All automatic no-go's.  I know that if/when things get serious with someone there's gonna be a major adjustment period.  Hell, going from a 'me' to 'we' can't be easy at any age!  "Into the unknown" for reals.  

So these are the things that I've been thinking about.  I'm 36 hours into an extended fast at the moment, thinking I might go for 63... weighed myself this AM so I KNOW I could use the extension.  I have also admitted that fasting by itself isn't doing what I'd hoped, so as of July 5 I'm going to be hanging out with Gym again.  Life in TX is much more sedentary than life in Korea or WY was.  Good news is that there is a rowing machine (full body workout FTW!), and since I get off work later than others, I should pretty much have the place to myself.  Told my sis that I'd gained a bunch of weight back and I got 'if you say so.'  Sigh... just trust me, people, it's there!