Time

I think I've become fixated on time. Specifically how little of it we have, how I'm choosing to spend mine, and how quickly it can run out. It's probably a response to losing my brother in law, finding my husband later in life, and not having a lot of time with him during the week. I always tell him he owes me 50 years for hiding in Arlington, making it hard to find him! Really, I have a feeling that no matter how much time we get its not going to be enough. I'm painfully aware of how fleeting all this can be, and I want to just hold on to those I love and never let go... and that feeling is multiplied when I think of my hubby. I've never loved someone like this before and it still scares the everloving bejeezus outta me! Not much I can do about this, tho. Remember we die... (great song by Gemini syndrome).

Anyway, other than that, and because we don't know when we're gonna die, I've been back at the gym again. The scale hasn't been cooperating, and I know the scale isn't always a good measure, blah, blah, blah, BUT! So many things are still centered around weight loss. We have a weight loss challenge at work where they measure total weight vs fat. EVERYONE seems to be on ozempic or its counterpart. There's still a whole industry around diets, exercise, this vs that, don't eat seed oils, seed oils are fine, don't eat meat, meat is fine but don't eat processed, processed is fine, but you REALLY need this supplement... it's overwhelming. So I've been doing my workouts, and upping my protein, while still doing IF (passed my 7 year anniversary of it without even a thought), and I MAY have cracked my personal code without having a full day fast 2x a week. Stay tuned. I've still got a goal. The thing is... in the 7 years I've been doing IF I did gain some back, but I've kept off 30 of it. That's no small thing. Even when I gained some back, it was by no means ALL. I have to remind myself of that because it's SO EASY to get discouraged. I'm also lifting heavier weights than I was a year ago, I've got more stamina during my cardio, I don't get winded going up my stairs... there's a LOT of small ways my health is better (hello lab tests), and yet... I have a goal... the last time I remember being at what now is my goal weight is when I was a fat kid at 13. That memory is suspect cuz... was I really? 13 was a LONG time ago. But it's a goal that is far enough under 200 that I can maybe relax. No, I can't relax because perimeno and actual menopause are peeking around the corner and all the older women in my life are warning me about THAT shit show. So what? The story of my entire life will be "she never weighed what she wanted to." Put that on my tombstone, PLEASE. Maybe someone will see it there and realize it didn't mean anything. All the struggles with the scale are insignificant in the grand scheme. And yet... that nagging voice... you're fat, no one likes you, you overcompensate by being smart and you're not as smart as you think. Healing from being a fat kid is HARD. Why am I spending my time sad about the scale? Will I ever let myself just BE? Sigh.

Sidenote: perfect example, I wrote this, jumped on FB for a sec and first status update was about recent weight lost and how much farther to a goal (congrats, btw). It's never not a thing.

New 3D critter.

Bit more complex this time.

Oh, I'm also doing the Hallow app and the meditations are about the story of a Catholic radiologist in Nagasaki at the end of the 2nd world War. So yeah... we just got to where the bomb (that was aimed at his cathedral) went off. Not ashamed to say I BAWLED. In school you don't get the human side of the story, the survivor accounts, the aftermath. It was in 1945 and my heart broke for them in a way it never had before. So that is probably contributing to the current bout of sadness. I think I've got the morbs. 

My self care on thurs. Sushi from HEB, wine from Blue Lotus Winery/Meadery.

Snuggle with sharkie and watch LOTR 😁.

It's been a helluva week. Thanks to my friend J, hubbs and I have implemented nightly phone calls which have been helpful in connecting during the week. Wednesday night when he came home I told him about poor Ace's nightmare, which was 1) heartbreaking and 2) made me aware hubbs stayed WAY late that night. I don't usually check the time when he comes in but I know when he's usually home by, and I wake up cuz "something isn't right." That day it was ace's nightmare and he wasn't home yet. 

Thursday night's Hallow meditation was as sob-endusing as Wed. This is either the best or the worst Lent idea ever! I can honestly say that I am 100% a friggin MESS. I keep imagining myself offering my heart to the Lord, but it's this black, bleeding, horrible mess, the kind of thing that would cause anyone to recoil and probably vomit. Yet... He accepts it with tenderness and compassion... and i... I simply CANT FATHOM this. He treats my broken, scarred, bleeding, shattered heart with love and care. WHO DOES THAT???? It makes no logical sense. I... I've got nothing... 

Things make more sense after Mexi-therapy with A and/or bestie. Sigh... why they both live so far away!?!?

Fri I got my hair chopped. Then we had to got to MIL's to get stuff to re-register the van, get it inspected, get the registration, have dinner, go to Costco and come home. It was a BIG day of errands and I came home BEAT. 

Chopped!

Had to do vegetarian, so we had Indian food.

I haven't had aloo ghobi since Korea! It was SO GOOD! With garlic naan... chefs kiss.

He's plotting my destruction.

Saturday we slept in, then went to play mini golf! We didn't keep "real" score, but we won greens. At the end we were tied, and I won with a hole in ONE! 

The back of water 😁

I made him take the selfie. We went to alley cats for this, and playing arcade games. I beat him at air hockey and the water game. He kicked my butt at axe throwing. 

Then we came home to the kitty cat. 

We were woken up at 1130 by the tornado sirens. Hubbs did what you're supposed to do... I stayed in bed. We didn't have any damage here, even my plants are still OK. 

As for this week, on Monday there's a reconciliation service I'm planning on going to, then I have my follow up with the neuro on Friday. Yay. Hope all of you are doing well, much love from stormy Texas! 🥰

Challenges

I knew being married would come with some challenges. However, I am prepared to say that being married and working different shifts make the usual marital challenges even MORE challenging. I've been struggling lately with how to make sure we are staying connected as a couple who doesn't see each other very much. I mean, we basically have Friday afternoons (assuming nothing is happening that means an early AM), Saturdays, and an hour or so on Sunday before he goes to work. Generally, due to our schedules, one of us is sleeping when the other is awake. We do what we can during the week. We text during the day when we are both at work and we make sure to say hello when he gets home and goodbye when I go to work. He cooks for himself, I cook for myself.

I guess I had a lot of preconceived ideas about what being married is like, and most of those were predicated on working similar schedules. Most of the advice online is about making sure to connect with your partner in the evenings... we can't do that. Have date nights during the week, yeah, can't do that, either. We have some ideas of what we can do together to help, but the hardest thing is making sure we are both rested when we do things. My poor hubbs is often sleep deprived on the weekends when we are doing things which would be the equivalent of the middle of the night if roles were reversed. Time together is precious, I don't want to spend it fighting over things we can't really do anything about. It's hard to make time to talk about important "couple-y" stuff, because we want to do that when we are both rested and awake... as mentioned, that's sometimes difficult to achieve.

We have talked about these things, and before you come at me for sharing super personal stuff know that I had hubbs read this before I published. 

I think the biggest thing for me especially has been learning how to be vulnerable with him. I've never trusted someone that I was romantically involved with with so much of myself. I'm used to holding back because I knew one of us would end it. That's no longer the case, so trying to find words for what I'm feeling, and convey the inner turmoil, fears, hopes, shattered expectations, depth of love, and unexpected care of life married to this wonderful, sweet, generous, amazing man is hell sometimes! We are both flawed humans who have experiences that have shaped our conflict styles and learning how to acclimate to that is TOUGH. So I have to learn how to be vulnerable and tell him when I'm feeling a certain way, or when I feel like we're disconnected, and also try to come up with solutions. I don't want to just dump on him, tho I'm afraid I have done that once or twice (or more), but damnit, I miss him during the week! Sleepy kisses and loving goodbyes are great, but I want more! Evening gym together, dinners, and couch cuddles would be nice. Not that I really expect him to change his schedule... I just don't get enough of him. Anyway, just wanted to share some of that because it has been heavy on my heart and if any of you have any tips or tricks from when you worked different schedules from your significant other, I'd really like to hear them. Looking at my nurse friends, don't tell me you don't understand this one!

I love him so much... and time is so precious... he laughs at me for requiring obligatory selfies but I know all too well sometimes all we have left are pictures and memories. He does sometimes ask that I not share ones that are particularly unflattering. 😊 those are just for ME! Hehe. He's so darn CUTE!!! I love our life together. I love our home and our kitty, and our conflicts, and our  cuddles, and our friends, and all of it. There's just some challenges we are facing, and I feel like we are fighting against complacency. It's all too easy to slip into "roomie" hood. Hopefully with both of us making an effort to stay connected, we can fight off when the "roomie" starts creeping in. 

Our neighborhood watch cat.

Our CEOs bday was this past week, so we got him with water guns! My boss tells me I should load mine with a hard liquor of my choice. Lol... I'd like to reiterate this was my BOSS'S idea. I probably won't do it tho... then the things I don't say would get said and I'd probably be fired. Lmao.

It could work tho, right?

Let me tell you a little story about my boss. When I called out from work on the day hubbs and I played hookie, I didn't tell him why I wasn't coming in. He also didn't ask. Just "ok, see you in 2 days." Well later I found out that he and my friend E went down the rabbit hole of reasons I wasn't there. E even went so far as to say I was probably being wheeled back for brain surgery when I texted him! They are somewhat justified, as I'd just gotten a bunch of hormone tests done because of the cyst on my pituitary gland. So I laughed a LOT that day when I said no, hubbs and I just did our sexy taxes and spent the day together. Now boss tells me if ever I do that again, just tell him I'm burning PTO so they don't worry! I don't want to tho, cuz it's entertaining to hear all the reasons they think I'm not there. LMAO. I'm grateful he doesn't make me try to lie about why I'm not coming in. I'm a terrible liar. 

Thurs I went out to Eastland to have margarita therapy with A. It was highly needed, as always, and I'd say my mental break had been pushed back again. Lol.

Fri I got my moisture meters in, so I can check on the plants without shoving my finger into the soil. They are both just fine, and I think tomorrow I'll put the tomato in full sunlight. 😁 I'm gonna be an urban farmer! Hehe.

Sat hubbs and I went to the farmers market for sourdough and veggies. We also tried a new place that just opened. Twisted Sisters Taphouse and pizzeria. 32 beers on tap! So yummy!! Unfortunately hubbs wasn't feeling great after this, so we went home for him to nap.

Brusctta and skillet garlic, cheese, and butter bombs. 😋

SO GOOD

Nutella pizza for dessert 

The ambiance is AMAZING! SUPER nice.

Plants are doing OK

I love my moisture meter. 

Sunday, as you know, is prep day. Hubby wants chicken with roasted potatoes and carrots. I'm hoping they'll have broccoli slaw at Kroger so I can do a Thai broccoli chickpea slaw with teriyaki chicken. So, lots of chicken this week 😁 Then it's laundry, picking outfits for the week, and cleaning. I've also been fighting with Groupon because their merchant hasn't returned my calls, the voucher expired, and now I just want my $ back. They keep telling me to call again. You know how much I love calling people, leaving voicemails, being ignored, and repeating myself, right???? This is a friggin NIGHTMARE. No other way to reach them, either, and their website form doesn't work... suspicious much??? So f-ing done with Groupon and this merchant. But to show willing, I shall call again on Monday, give them until Wednesday, and then get after Groupon AGAIN. I swear, every time they email me it's from a new person. This is SUCH BS. 

So thats me, a big ball of frustration and at a loss for how to ensure hubbs and I stay connected in real life as well as on messenger. Sigh. I need a hug. 

Much love all, I hope when you leave messages they are returned in a timely manner. 🙄🤪🥰

Family visit #2

On Monday i was at the gym, I had 3 mins left on the treadmill and the power bliped. Treadmill stopped. So, I went home. Lol. Texted my trainer and got this.

Remember, its important when picking a personal trainer to get one who GETS IT. Lol! Loves the Doobz. 

Tuesday night after workout I was working on Sgt McSnappyButt and realized... he didn't look right. So I spent some time fixing him. Suddenly it was 11PM... WAY past bedtime. Lol.

wrong

Right

Done! 

Back.

I did take some time to play with the spicy kitty.

Mighty hunter

Self-play? Maybe??

Monday I also got 3 pepper plants and a tomato plant from my fellow Vega at work. The tomato fell over on Tuesday so i rigged a makeshift stand for it, and used a paper clip to keep it up.

Seems to be working. It's much happier now.

Mystery peppers.

D&C came into town on Thurs night. We had food at the Rim, then we discussed Friday. 

Ahi poke salad.

 Cute decor.

Friday we went to a quilt show, then we went to Roma's Italian bistro, walked around oak cliff, dropped by Bass Pro Shop, and then came home. 

So cool, really! 

I forgot to take pix of the food.

Being silly in oak cliff

Hanging out on a boat at bass pro!!

Saturday was a farmers market, then to home depot for pots and soil, and home to pot the plants and build our shelves! 

Peppers

Tomato!

Dad and hubbs built the shelving.

Hard workers

We have room for our STUFF!

Ace tried it out, he approves. We even busted out a record to make sure the player works. It does 😁 Yay for more storage space. 

After dinner and mass we came back and played poetry for Neanderthals. It was fun and silly. Once they went home, hubbs and I puttered around and he brought up questions for couples. We have agreed to play that on weekends so that we stay connected. It's tough working different schedules. Anyway, we played a bit and had a bonus round where we both wrote what we wanted out of this relationship. We both wrote "to grow old together" so I guess we're on the same page! Lol. We agreed that question might be more for people who are dating. 

And now it's Sunday. We are going to go grocery shopping so that D&C can get the beer they want to go home with, and I can get our stuffs for the week. Then we'll watch the hockey game after hubbs leaves for work. Then the plan is dinner after hockey. It's been lovely having family in town and im really happy they were able to get to know hubby a bit better. Lol... I gave them no chance while he was still fiancé. But you know, gma and gpa liked him, so I figured I was good. 😁 I'll keep you updated on our foray into being urban farmers. I'm wondering what mystery peppers we are gonna get. 🤔

Much love, everyone! 

Be Kind

I am not good at telling people I'm not good. Hubbs asked me "what's wrong" the other day and instead of just telling him, I said something about "it just never stops." After that convo, I sat down and composed an email go him listing all the things that I have been worried, upset, scared, or otherwise been disturbed about. The email turned into a book. Listing out all the things that I'm constantly thinking about (like browser tabs open all the time) was both enlightening for me, and (i hope) helpful for him. I like to keep things light on here because, let's face it, we all have a LOT going on. However I have come to realize that perhaps paying someone to listen and help me manage some of these stressors may not be the worst idea in the world. I don't like when they build to the point of me snapping at the people I love, or to the point where light teasing almost brings me to tears. It was a rough few days.

This is a good representation, methinks.

Also this.

Monday night hubbs called to ask if I wanted to play hookie on tues. I was a little shocked. I've never played hookie. If I call out from work it generally means I have to cuz I'm SICK sick. I'm from a family who took school perfect attendance VERY seriously. So I checked my PTO bank, texted my boss, and took tues off! We woke up at 5am to the sound of tornado sirens. Apparently there was a tornado to the northeast of us. Hubbs, the kitty, and i chilled in the bathroom for a bit. Then we went back to bed. We woke up for reals around 9ish. We kinda had a nice, slow morning before we decided to do things. We went to the Roasted Beenery for coffee and bfast sammiches, the to the game X store, and finally the HEB. We got poke bowls and sushi, along with grapes and chicken salad for munchies. Then we spent the rest of the day watching movies and relaxing. It was really nice to reconnect after a crazy start to the year. 

Coffee and bfast sammich.

Appetizer during Kong: skull island.

I didn't get pix of the poke (poke-ay) bowls or sushi. Suffice to say they were DELICIOUS.

Ash Wednesday passed as most days do for me. I guess fasting is just a thing I do anyway and I chose between the sin of wasted food or the sin of eating meat on a meatless day. Guess I need to hit up confession on sat. Lol (trust me, I need to go for more than just that). I also started on a gift our CNO gave me. It's a 3-d Lego knockoff that's supposed to be a fox of nine tails. 

Guess the primary color.

SO SMALL!

I got the base done. Frankly I can't tell if this was a "I like mandi, let's get her a stress buster thing" or "I shall make her suffer as I suffered" thing. Lol. Will I have it done by Easter? Who knows?

Ok, this is kinda fun. 😁

Friday hubbs had to go help his nephew change the alternator in his car. We got up early to do it. We were soooo tired... hubbs might be getting a little sick. The weather was AMAZING. In the 80s. Hehe. 

Beautiful day.

We also tried Gina's Pizza. It was AMAZING! We had the veggie one of course cuz Friday and Lent and all. 

I wanna go back when it's not Friday during Lent and try the Buffalo chicken! The crust is perfect and the toppings are incredible. 

Saturday was cold again, so we stayed in. I made a beef roast with mushrooms and carrots. We had it with baked potatoes and bread. It was AMAZEBALLS. We needed a lazy day, especially after getting woken up at 5:45 due to a hail storm. Major storm. It was crazy. I think everything survived, tho. I also made a bottle of hot wine... hehe... crock pots are the BEST! Dessert was peanut butter M&Ms. Hehe.

Sunday was the usual. Laundry, cleaning, meal prep, and hubbs to work. I also did a LOT on my critter... he's coming together quite nicely now.

I hope you all are having a good Sunday, resting up for the coming week. Hugs and love! 😘