Anyway, other than that, and because we don't know when we're gonna die, I've been back at the gym again. The scale hasn't been cooperating, and I know the scale isn't always a good measure, blah, blah, blah, BUT! So many things are still centered around weight loss. We have a weight loss challenge at work where they measure total weight vs fat. EVERYONE seems to be on ozempic or its counterpart. There's still a whole industry around diets, exercise, this vs that, don't eat seed oils, seed oils are fine, don't eat meat, meat is fine but don't eat processed, processed is fine, but you REALLY need this supplement... it's overwhelming. So I've been doing my workouts, and upping my protein, while still doing IF (passed my 7 year anniversary of it without even a thought), and I MAY have cracked my personal code without having a full day fast 2x a week. Stay tuned. I've still got a goal. The thing is... in the 7 years I've been doing IF I did gain some back, but I've kept off 30 of it. That's no small thing. Even when I gained some back, it was by no means ALL. I have to remind myself of that because it's SO EASY to get discouraged. I'm also lifting heavier weights than I was a year ago, I've got more stamina during my cardio, I don't get winded going up my stairs... there's a LOT of small ways my health is better (hello lab tests), and yet... I have a goal... the last time I remember being at what now is my goal weight is when I was a fat kid at 13. That memory is suspect cuz... was I really? 13 was a LONG time ago. But it's a goal that is far enough under 200 that I can maybe relax. No, I can't relax because perimeno and actual menopause are peeking around the corner and all the older women in my life are warning me about THAT shit show. So what? The story of my entire life will be "she never weighed what she wanted to." Put that on my tombstone, PLEASE. Maybe someone will see it there and realize it didn't mean anything. All the struggles with the scale are insignificant in the grand scheme. And yet... that nagging voice... you're fat, no one likes you, you overcompensate by being smart and you're not as smart as you think. Healing from being a fat kid is HARD. Why am I spending my time sad about the scale? Will I ever let myself just BE? Sigh.
Sidenote: perfect example, I wrote this, jumped on FB for a sec and first status update was about recent weight lost and how much farther to a goal (congrats, btw). It's never not a thing.
Oh, I'm also doing the Hallow app and the meditations are about the story of a Catholic radiologist in Nagasaki at the end of the 2nd world War. So yeah... we just got to where the bomb (that was aimed at his cathedral) went off. Not ashamed to say I BAWLED. In school you don't get the human side of the story, the survivor accounts, the aftermath. It was in 1945 and my heart broke for them in a way it never had before. So that is probably contributing to the current bout of sadness. I think I've got the morbs.
It's been a helluva week. Thanks to my friend J, hubbs and I have implemented nightly phone calls which have been helpful in connecting during the week. Wednesday night when he came home I told him about poor Ace's nightmare, which was 1) heartbreaking and 2) made me aware hubbs stayed WAY late that night. I don't usually check the time when he comes in but I know when he's usually home by, and I wake up cuz "something isn't right." That day it was ace's nightmare and he wasn't home yet.
Thursday night's Hallow meditation was as sob-endusing as Wed. This is either the best or the worst Lent idea ever! I can honestly say that I am 100% a friggin MESS. I keep imagining myself offering my heart to the Lord, but it's this black, bleeding, horrible mess, the kind of thing that would cause anyone to recoil and probably vomit. Yet... He accepts it with tenderness and compassion... and i... I simply CANT FATHOM this. He treats my broken, scarred, bleeding, shattered heart with love and care. WHO DOES THAT???? It makes no logical sense. I... I've got nothing...
Fri I got my hair chopped. Then we had to got to MIL's to get stuff to re-register the van, get it inspected, get the registration, have dinner, go to Costco and come home. It was a BIG day of errands and I came home BEAT.
Saturday we slept in, then went to play mini golf! We didn't keep "real" score, but we won greens. At the end we were tied, and I won with a hole in ONE!
We were woken up at 1130 by the tornado sirens. Hubbs did what you're supposed to do... I stayed in bed. We didn't have any damage here, even my plants are still OK.
As for this week, on Monday there's a reconciliation service I'm planning on going to, then I have my follow up with the neuro on Friday. Yay. Hope all of you are doing well, much love from stormy Texas! 🥰
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