I've come so far

I got to talk go J the other day!! It was so nice. The convo came around to my dating life, which is always fun. I made a joke about how I tend to make bad decisions when it comes to men, and then ruminated on why I trust God when it comes to work but not when it comes to dating. She simply said "fear." I can trust God with work, because I won't be out a lot of anything but time if it doesn't work out. But when it comes to romance I'm risking my heart, brain, and sanity!! So its harder to trust God (or anyone really) with my heart. I HATE when she's right... damn it.

I got et by Bruce. 

She was right, of course. Then she pointed out that I've come so far in my dating life and that I really need to remember the progress I've made. A certain memory popped up on fb recentky that illustrated to me just HOW far I've come. I'm no longer the same person who made REALLY bad decisions circa 2009, and thank GOD for that. I'm in SUCH a better place now than I was then. I've healed a TON of issues I had with myself, and I've gotten to where I really like myself. And I love my new perspective... if it was my friend telling me about this guy, what would I tell her? Would I tell her "yeah, he probably is joking when he's being mean," or "oh, maybe he'll change." NO, I'd tell her she deserves better. Well I've been doing that with myself. I also deserve better!! What I'm struggling with is more: he says he wants casual, am I ok with that? Casual before serious does make sense as long as I know he's willing to become serious at some stage of the dating process. Or do I hold out for the "YES, I want to get married someday." Guy? I've had some fairly awkward convos already, but I'm too old to be messing around with dropping hints. "What do you want, where do you see this headed?" can be hard to ask, but it has to be. 

Dating really is a series of interviews until someone is offered the role of 'fella.' I know the love of my life isn't going to show up on my doorstep like "here I am, you can stop looking now" but geeze makreez it would be nice. I'm still enjoying going out and meeting people, so that alright. Once it stops being fun I'll either have a fella or I'll take a break.

A Tale of Two Dates

 It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.  Actually getting to a date when you're active on an online dating app is tricky to begin with.  First, he either has to "like" something on my profile, which notifies me that he's interested, or I have to notify him by "liking" something on his profile.  Kinda like your friend going, "Hey, that guy/girl keeps looking at you."  Then once the "like" is received, I get to peruse his profile to see if I think I'm interested in him (and vice versa).  If I respond to his "like" or if he responds to mine, we can then "match" and start messaging each other.  After matching one of two things happen, you either chat for a while then lose interest and move on or you chat for a while and decide to meet up.  I've now proceeded to that point with 2 guys.  I've had 2 dates that I thought went well at first, but I'm not sure what exactly happened at the end of date 2.  

Guy 1, we'll call him K, and I met up at a restaurant.  We had a nice conversation over a very good dinner and then were both reluctant to end the date.  I suggested going for ice cream at Brahms.  He agreed and then we discussed driving arrangements.  He said he would be glad to drive separately, and he didn't mind if I wanted to drive us both.  He made a point to tell me that he didn't want me to feel like I had given up my autonomy at any point, so he would decline to be the one to drive us both.  I thanked him, we ended up going together in my car.  A conversation about boundaries and comfort and being sure to discuss things before they happened also occurred, and it was refreshing for me to see the man be the one to initiate such conversation.  He never seemed insulted or angry if I said I wasn't totally comfortable with something, just suggested something else instead and the evening was quite pleasant.  We are going out again next week.

Guy 2, we'll call him T, and I met up at a brewery.  We had a nice evening of trying different beers, walking though the old train station that the brewery was in, seeing the other shops and things that are there.  We talked to a couple of his friends who own a shop in the station, and I even got to check out a bookstore that was also there.  We had a good conversation about what brought him back to the area, where he was living before, all the normal first date stuff.  The station was really cool.  Seriously, beer, food, books - this place has it all!  It was getting late in the evening and we started talking about getting food.  He suggested coming to his place where he could cook for me and we could have some of the beer he had picked up.  I said I wasn't quite comfortable with that, but that I'd buy us some tacos at the brewery and then we could head out.  He seemed ok with that, we had our food and then we headed out to the parking lot.  This is where things get weird.  He offered me a ride to my car, which I declined as it was just around the corner.  He then said, "Chivalry is dead and you killed it."  Which seemed like an overreaction to me because, literally, my car was RIGHT THERE.  He walked me to my car and again offered the invitation to come back to his house to get some pickle beer.  I declined again, and mentioned something along the lines of sometimes bad decisions are made when there's privacy involved.  He kinda freaked out on me, said he only intended to give me a few cans of beer to take home, show me where he lives, and send me on my way.  I ended up feeling like a jerk for a couple mins and then when I was on my way home I got a bit angry because I felt like I didn't need to feel like a jerk.

I want this book!

This book also intrigued me

The flight of the beers.

So I've decided that the end of date 2 is a prime example of why dating is so difficult.  I was not trying to insinuate that anything untoward was going to happen if I went to his place.  I certainly wasn't trying to accuse him of being a rapist or a murderer, yet that seemed to be how he took my unwillingness to see his house and be alone with him.  In my defense, I did tell him that I'm a fan of true crime and anyone who watches or listens to any of that knows DON'T BE ALONE ON THE FIRST DATE!  You don't even need huge red flags, I mean, Ted Bundy did a great job of being charming until he MURDERED you!  The safety lady at work even told me "Never go to a secondary location because that's when the crazy comes out."  She'll be so proud of me on Monday when she sees that I'm still not murdered.  I haven't decided if his was an overreaction based on things in his past or if he really thought I was afraid he's some kind of violent psycho.  I guess time will tell how things go with T, as he actually has responded to my text this morning... I had assumed he was going to ghost me.  I guess there is still time for that, tho.

The thing is, I see his point.  I wouldn't want someone to automatically assume, based on my gender, that there's a possibility of rape and/or murder if they were alone with me, either.  However, the fact that he became so offended was not helpful.  On the other hand, K was sympathetic and understanding and made me feel 100% at ease.  Even bringing up the loss of autonomy thing, which I would have only been aware of after I'd lost it!  So men, if you really want to be an ally for women, don't be offended when she doesn't want to leave the public eye on the first few dates.  Trust me, there is a reason.  Most likely it's a very specific reason that she doesn't want to go into.  Nothing like trauma dumping on the first date, eh?

I just wanted to share some of these thoughts/insights and the opportunity to rip off Charles Dickens was just too good to pass up.  I'll leave you with what I think is a "WTH" situation.  As you know, I did FB dating last year.  Well one of the guys that I had gone on a couple dates with last year popped up on Hinge.  I didn't reach out to him, then a day or so later, he reached out to me.  I was wondering if he even remembered that we had already gone out and had both gently faded into the background of each other's lives.  I decided not to match with him, as it would be incredibly awkward to ask something along the lines of "am I really THAT forgettable?!"  Well, kudos to him for the persistence because he found my # and texted me.  After an hour of internally debating, I texted back, and we've been chatting ever since.  He is aware that I'm dating around at the moment, and I agreed to let him know if/when things start getting serious with someone else.  I'm still kinda going "WTH" because he insists that he didn't lose interest in me or blame me for the intestinal distress he had after we went to a Mexican place that I had chosen, which is what I assumed happened.  I did tell him that I had cleaned out my contacts and no longer had his # saved.  No clue how he found mine since I lost all my messages when I deactivated my dating profile on FB.  MODERN DATING IS WEIRD!!!  

My People are the BEST

I posted recently that I love all of my peoples.  It's true, if you are someone in my life no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, if I once considered you a friend, I still consider you a friend, and I love you accordingly.  I want to tell you about a couple of things that have happened lately to inspire that status update.

But first, a cute cartoon. 😁

Last night I got a message from a friend that I haven't seen for a while.  She wanted to let me know that she'd matched with my ex-fella and he had asked her out.  She hadn't gotten the memo that he's my EX fella, and wanted to do me a solid.  I thought that was extremely sweet of her.  Turns out, they'd matched before as well... and timelines kinda overlap.  So... yeah.  From now on, when I think someone is being shady, I'm gonna go with my gut.  Perhaps the "pink" flags were only "pink" because I'd decided they were.  I don't regret much except letting it go on longer than it needed to, but it was nice to take a break from dating for a while.  It's also been nice getting back into dating, which leads me to my next thing.

My co-workers have always been invested in my dating life.  Before I moved back, they were thinking of getting me and a co-worker together before they found out that he was no longer single.  This amuses me to no end, so I tend to keep them updated.  It was a new co-worker who suggested that I try Hinge this time around, as that's where she met her now-husband.  However, there are two co-workers in particular I want to share with you: our receptionist and our safety lady.  

Our receptionist is super sweet, got married when she was young to someone she met at work, and so is not experienced in online dating at all.  Most of what she knows about it comes from her 2 daughters and the news.  So she's rather invested in keeping me safe.  So much so that she insisted on giving me her phone # this week so that when I go on a date, she can text me to see how it's going.  We even decided on code phrases.  She'll text me about a work issue and if I answer in the affirmative, that means things are going well, neutral is we're not quite sure yet, and negative is "call me with an emergency, I need to get out of here NOW."  She's even offered to stand by with pepper spray in case of the third scenario.  It's super sweet and I'm grateful to her for it. 

The other day, our safety lady came into my office and we were talking about online dating and what I'm doing to try to keep from being on the news.  I told her that first dates are always in a public place, we arrive separately, we leave separately, I make sure he leaves the parking lot first so that he can't follow me home, etc.  She suggested that I download the Life 360 app and make a "circle" with my bestie, our receptionist, and anyone else who would be able to call for help if needed.  I joked that any decent serial killer will know the first thing to do is ditch the phone (I'd hate to think I'd match with an AMATEUR).  She admitted that was true, but if I told someone I was going to X place and my phone never arrived there, they could alert the authorities.  I conceded that this was a good idea and joked that maybe the "stalker" app had its purpose.  She quipped, and I quote "Not all stalking is BAD!"  We both cracked up laughing at that.  Our safety person, ladies and gentlemen... not ALL stalking is bad.  After some more chat, we came up with "Stalk for Safety" which I think should be Life 360's tag line/motto.  I told the receptionist about this and she went "I ALMOST suggested that to you, but I didn't want you to think I'm some kind of crazy lady!"  It's nice to know that not only are my co-workers invested in me finding my forever person, they are also invested in keeping me off the news.  

What would you say are my chances of matching with him? Hehehe.

So that's my story.  I love the fact that my friend wanted to make sure I knew what was going on with someone she thought I was still involved with, and I love that my co-workers are doing their best to ensure my safety.  It's been interesting going through the app to see who has "liked" my pictures and what they have said about them.  One guy was super sweet with his comment, but I didn't match with him because his profile stated that he wants kids.  And for someone who has always said I don't really have a type, I tend to match with big, bearded guys.  So maybe I do have a type... lumberjack is a type, right?  LOL.  Guys who put pix of their dogs online are TOTALLY stacking the deck.  One had TWO CORGIES!!  They were SO CUTE!!  I'm trying to keep myself from being burned out with it.  I'm limiting my time on the app (and I only get so many free "likes" a day, so that helps).  I'm also being more sparing with my "likes" and matches.  I think I'm getting better at figuring out the players and the potentials.  Maybe... we'll see.  There has to be someone out there... maybe it's tonight's date, who knows?

Here we go again

For those who are wondering, yes, my fella and I broke up. Nothing dramatic or anything, we just drifted apart. I'm actually kinda annoyed because I could tell he had lost interest, but I was the one to say that it was over.  Sigh, oh well.  I just can't leave things unsaid; loose ends bother me.  So back to the drawing board... or back to the online dating world, as the case may be.  Let's see, I Bumbled in Korea, tried FB dating (I turned that one on for about a day, but quickly deleted it after a match wanted to talk about sex more than anything else), and now I'm on Hinge.  Their shtick is "the app that is meant to be deleted." I guess they're going to help me find someone compatible, who is looking for the same thing I am.  We shall see.  So far, I'm impressed that they seem to be really on the ball with deleting fake profiles.  How do I know they're fake?  Well, when someone asks to exchange phone #'s within about 2-3 messages, that means they know they're about to be removed but still want a chance to scam you.  I always say that I'd be more comfortable getting to know them on the app first, and then those profiles would disappear.  I'd later get an email from Hinge stating they had been removed and giving tips on "how to be safe."  How to be safe... in online dating... sigh.  I'm doing my best - don't give out my phone # until we've established some kind of repartee (still don't click on any links they may send), when meeting in person we meet in a neutral place, I bring my own car, let them leave first, take a less direct route home just in case... I really don't want to end up on the nightly news.  In any case, I haven't broken my record - in my late 30's and STILL haven't had a relationship last for more than a year.  LOL.

As promised before, I won't regale you with details of dates or anything until we've had the exclusivity talk and agreement.  Really, I'd love to take you all on this roller coaster with me but, honestly, it's more fun going over all that stuff with the bestie.  I've learned more about myself and what I'm willing to allow in a relationship, so that's good.  Honestly, my only regret is that it took me so long to confirm what I'd suspected.  I also thought that breaking up should be done in person, and we ended up doing it over text.  Ah well, live and learn, right?

Other than that, not much is going on.  At work they were still paying me more $ in PTO than when I was there, but the HR lady figured out what was going on and fixed it.  Getting paid more to be gone than to be at work will NEVER not be funny to me.  

New office being set up

The lab equipment will eventually be sold and moved... I've been told I need a couch there.

If anyone comes to visit, I have a chair for you! And yes, I will be getting a mini fridge.

A weird thing has happened since I got that raise though... I'm starting to think house thoughts.  I KNOW, RIGHT?!  I will admit part of that might just be how exceedingly unhappy I am with this apt complex (no water AGAIN last night) and with my excessively loud neighbors.  If the stars align and everything works out for moving in April, perhaps a Cleburne apt complex wouldn't suck so bad.  On the other hand, it would be nice to have my own space, land, etc.  If I got a place outside of a town, I wouldn't have to worry about HOA's, I could have a garden, a dog, a couple cats, etc.  Turn my whole yard into a garden and BOOM, no mowing necessary.  LOL.  Though to be honest, I'd put native plants around to help the bees and still not have to worry about mowing.  Grass is stupid.  It'll be a few years before I save up enough $ for a decent down payment, tho.  Also, I have a couple international trips that I'm saving up for... come on, Australia!  I'm dreaming of a White Sandy Beach Christmas ;).  So perhaps home ownership will be a 2030 goal.  Course I also sent my resume to someone in Bulgaria, so who knows what may come of that.  I'm pretty much the poster child for "no clue what I want to do/be when I grow up."  In the meantime, I'll start studying to take the test for my CPHQ (Certified Professional in Healthcare Quality).  

Even though I have no clue what the future may hold, I'm at peace with it.  Looking back, I've lived a pretty darn awesome life so far.  I'd like to find a partner to continue the ride with me, but if that's not meant to be, I'll be alright.  I've been taking care of me for a long time now, and I'd still be taking care of me even with a partner!  I have wonderful friends and family that support and love me, and I thank God every day for them.  So, I'm not alone, even when I'm single.  In fact, the bestie is coming up this weekend and I'm SUPER STOKED for that. MARGARITA CRAWL!!!

Fun with Family

A few months ago, my mom, aunt, and I decided to meet up at a casino in Albuquerque for New Years. My aunt found the casino, made all our reservations, and was basically the most awesome vacation planner EVER. I drove to Santa Rosa the day before we were planning to meet up, so I wouldn't miss ANY time with all 3 of us. Mom's flight was delayed but we were only about 30 mins late to the Brazilian steakhouse we had lunch reservations for. It was SO GOOD. When I picked her up, it was like magic. She walked out of the doors as I was pulling up to the doors! Perfect.

if you are ever in Santa Rosa, GO HERE

the days inn was very nice.

selfie before coffee

my kind of decor

a NM brekkie: croissant, egg, cheese, and some VERY angry green chilis

at the steakhouse, yummy food, great company

the dessert was AMAZING. Butter cake with Mango serbet and raspberry sauce

our escape room the next day. AL's friend N came up for it

SUCCESS!!!

after escaping, we wanted food and drink!

good, but I preferred the Scottish ale

the casino had a bowling alley! Day 2 was cold, so we stayed inside.

We did a bit of gambling and sampled the food in the food court, as well as having drinks at the lounge (the bartender reminded me of some of my friends). The last night we stayed we went to the steakhouse

Amazing!!!

The next day AL went home after bfast, then mom and I went for ice cream before I dropped her off at the airport. I drove on home. Took 9 hours and felt like FOREVER!

I love seeing storms and not being in them

best pic I've taken in a while.

the sunset was fantastic.

As fun as it was, I was happy to be home. I took Tues off to recoup, relax, and prepare for the coming week. It's been a lovely day off. Back to the routine tomorrow 😁 As much as I love spending time with family, I'm always super bummed out after it ends.