Answering my Questions

A lot of things have been coming up in my head. We are within a week of the wedding, and like with most of my crazy schemes, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I wondered before moving to TX, before Europe, before Korea. There's always a part of me that wants to know WHY. WHY am I doing this? What do I want to come from it? Will I regret it? 

Getting married is way different from visiting Europe, moving to Korea, or any other "crazy" thing I've done. This involves another person. I'm tying my life to another person. I've been independent since I became an adult, so there's a part of me that feels like I'm giving that up. Which is bullshit. I'm not giving anything up. I'm getting an amazing partner. I'm not losing anything. I'm gaining everything. I've never had everything before. I've never had a relationship where I wanted to keep someone forever. I've questioned everything. I've even wondered if I was going to sabotage this for the comfort... the security of being single. It's familiar. I know how to be single, I don't know how to be married. It's all brand new. J moved in, we work different schedules so we don't see each other much. Figuring out little things like where to put his cereal or what goes in this room vs that room... we haven't even started hanging things on the walls! We'll figure this out. We have to decorate, but first we both have to be home! And awake! I like having him come home after work. Its always late and the door wakes me up, but i know its him. He is as quiet as he can be to keep from waking me, and i go back to sleep. He sleeps in the guest room until ive left for work (i try not to wake him,either), and the dance repeats. I've bought things for the apt, silly things, but things I didn't have before because it was just me, so who cares? Now I want to have things that make us both happy, that contribute to our life.

cat tree worthy of our black kitty

Our life. Two little words that carry a lifetime of meaning. What will our life be like? I know how my life has been... and now i don't know, and I'm both terrified and excited. The only thing I do know is that I love this man and he is who I want to build a life with. 

I got to thinking about when we first got together... why did I fall for him? What was it that made me go "yes" to him when it's been "no" to everyone else I've dated? I think part of it was reciprocity: we wanted to spend time together and we did. No games, no BS, just "when are you free? Wanna do something?" I asked him if he'd be my boyfriend because I didn't want to mess around with the "just talking" and "casual" and "maybe boyfriend" crap. So then I wondered if I was settling because I was SO tired of dating. I've decided no, I'm not settling. J treats me better than anyone I've ever dated. He's kind, generous, has a great sense of humor, loves his family, and adopted a 3 legged black kitty. And I find him very attractive, super adorable, and a great cuddler. I'm in love with him, not an idea of him. I don't have a list of things that i think he's going to change when we're married. When I find myself nit-picking (that sabotage voice) I remind myself that it's fear talking. Fear of tying my life to his. Because I'm getting married later in life, I feel like I've got a better idea of the "sickness," "poorer," and "bad times" parts of the vows. I saw my mom care for her husband before he passed away, I've seen my friends struggle, I know how quickly life can be snuffed out. I'm scared because I know eventually one of us will be a widow or a widower. I've had to learn how to live without people I've loved before, and I can only imagine how much worse that pain is when it's a spouse. That's my biggest struggle... if I stay single, then I don't have to face that. If I get married, I do have to. And I have to believe that the years of living a married life with our love will give some solice to whomever is left. I think it will. Doesn't stop me from telling him I require at least 50 years together. Took me 40 just to find his butt. You know how many people live in DFW!? He's been hiding this whole time!! I'm just scared. It's all so new to me.

Our after Rehersal dinner drinks 😁

Seester and brother in law

Our ladies of power 😁

Possibly my fav pix of my older sisters family 

FIRE DRINKS!!!

Our wedding party will be so much fun! We all get along great. My bestie got to see the reception place, and is pretty excited. The rehearsal went well, and we will be married soon!! I can't wait. My dresses for the Bachelorette stuff and bar crawl came in, and we got J his suit! I can focus on the excitement and work through the scared. We've got this.

A Weird Experience

So the eclipse was Monday, which was cool. 

It got dark..most of the animals slept thru it.

Total eclipse 😁

Then Tuesday came. And it was a normal day. We had a rep with the joint commission resources come in, took her to lunch at primos, and then after lunch I had a weird episode. It started with only seeing half of what I was looking at. I realized that about half the sight in my right eye was gone. I mentioned this because I was pretty sure someone noticed I was off. The ER director told me I was about to have a hellacious headache because that always is an indicator of a migraine for her. I said ok, it resolved, and we went on. Then my face and right hand started going numb. When I mentioned that, my boss and the JCR lady took me down to the ER. I got a room, laid down on the bed, and was quickly whisked away to radiology for a CT of my head. Apparently my symptoms mimicked a stroke to the point they were worried about that. Good news: it wasn't a stroke. Meh news: it was a hemiplegic migraine... we think. The MRI is pending. Bad news: I'm now freaking out that my brain is gonna throw a cog. Whats my biggest fear? Losing my mind. What is a trigger for these migraines? Stress. What does this diagnosis cause? STRESS!!!! It's officially a catch-22 situation where my brain is what can get caught in the crossfire. Its a lot, all at once. I never did get the usual kind of headache... but I can 100% tell you that my tension headache on Thursday sucked.

I'm sure you are wondering if this has ever happened before. The answer is yes, but I never got it fully checked out. The last time I got dizzy at work, I got my blood drawn. Nothing abnormal. I wouldn't have gotten this checked except the numbness in my face and hand worried me. I never got the full-on debilitating headache, so I never considered it to be migraines. Usually when I get a headache I blame my corn allergy and move on. This wasn't that. The diagnosis from the neurologist was "complex migraines." The more I've looked into it, my symptoms match "hemiplegic migraine." Super rare (shocker) and puts me at a very slightly increased risk of stroke. Which... goody gum drops. SO now I have that to worry about. 

The straw that broke the camels back for me was the email from my old energy company telling me my "useage" for the past week. The past week, in my old apt, which I'm not in anymore. Apparently if you don't CALL to cancel they just continue your service until you DO call. Growl, snarl. If my contract with you ends, I expect you to stop that contract. The phone call annoyed me, the rep annoyed me, and I kinda let them have it with the post call survey they sent. If I can sign up online, I should be able to cancel online. So when I came in on thrus I looked rough. Let's count the stressors, shall we?

1. I'm babysitting animals and the house, so far only one feral cat has died, and the cows are less than cooperative

2. The dogs wake me up a lot

3. My fiance is moving into the new place this weekend

4. We are starting to freak about things that have to get done soon

5. We are getting married in 2 weeks

6. Family logistics/dynamics are crazy

7. When I go home I'll have a roomie and a kitty

8. Friends are coming in next week for rehearsal

9. Friends and family are staying for wedding shenanigans

10. Work is still a thing

11. If I get too stressed I might have another migraine

12. Thats only a working diagnosis until I get my MRI.

In related news, my ears look NAKED!!! I don't really take out the inner earrings, that's been a trip! Kind of a pain to get them all out, not gonna lie. 

13. I got distracted by canceling my old energy provider, so I wasn't as careful with the remote as I should have been. It still works, but it's not pretty. This is the 2nd remote that has died under my care. Sorry, K. 

Sigh. It's going to be ok, we've got this. On the upper hand, the red spot on one of the feral cats behinds has resolved itself. So yay for the white kitty! I took Friday as a day to myself. Went to town to a coffee shop to do some journaling, dropped by brookshires for wine and soy milk, came back and had a relaxing day on the ranch. As i was leaving brookshires I was in my car and a guy knocked on the window. I rolled it down and he said his son had something he wanted to tell me. His little boy (5 or 6) says "you are very beautiful." It was sooooo cute!! 

Saturday I woke up to 2 new additions to the ranch. 

Pregger sheep isn't pregger no more. 

I went to Stephenville to meet up with Ana since we weren't able to have our usual Thursday Rio Mambo date. We ended up at chilis and gorged ourselves on appetizers. 

spicy margarita 

So, the insurance company doesn't want to approve my MRI. Big surprise. I'm going to have to appeal. J has moved into the new apt, at least mostly. Still some stuff to do. The poor kitty has been beside himself since he doesn't understand what's happening. 

he's exploring 

cutie pie

A Dream Within a Dream

Feelings of unreality are becoming more common lately. Like, is this all really happening? Are we really going to get married? Build a life together? Get old together? It's surreal... I honestly was starting to think this was never going to happen. But it is, and the date is getting closer. On April 2 it hit me... probably because now it's really easy to calculate the answer to the question "how many days left?" 

I'm taking about 10 days to house and animal sit on my friends ranch (tho we call it "the farm"). This is the 3rd time I've done this and apparently one of the sheep may in fact give birth while I'm here. I'm only a little terrified of the implications. Hopefully it'll be an easy birth and the momma will be an experienced one. So I'm feeding the sheep closer to the house. The cows are greedy bastards, but there's 3 new calves, so they are pretty cute with their little horns. The baby is growing up and the horns are kinda scary when the cows go to scratch after getting hand fed. They can swing those things pretty darn fast. The bull and I had a standoff the other day, because only the mommas and babies get fed in the corral and he wasn't happy with this state of affairs. Thankfully I figured it out and everyone got fed as normal. The peacocks are probably my least problematic group... well, the feral cats are pretty easy to handle except one seems to have a tumor of some kind on its butt.

Everyone out in Glen rose is freaking out about the influx of visitors that are expected due to the eclipse on Monday. SO much so that I got approval to work from home so I don't have to get stuck in traffic. So Monday Harley will be happy that I'll be home with him instead of having to go to work. I've of course gotten gas and groceries already and am happy that I can plan to NOT leave for the next 2 days. Apparently they are estimating that my normal commute of 45 mins could take anywhere from 3-8 hours depending on people, traffic, and accidents. Since im of the opinion that driving has gotten WAY worse lately, im happy to be well out of it. This is kind of my little country getaway time before all hell breaks loose in 2 weeks and wedding shenanigans get under way. I've made a spreadsheet of the itinerary, people's arrival and departure dates, and day of timeline to try to relax. It I see it all laid out, then it's just one step at a time. We got this.

J's bachelor party was at Texas Beer Fest on Saturday. It was a lot of fun! His best wo-man had shirts and a couple hats made! 

pre-party

mid party

end party. Hehe. We had a great time with everyone. The photographer for the event even found us 😁 if you get a chance, GO cuz it's a lot of fun... and get VIP if you can 😉 I think this will be a yearly thing for us. J even got more "congratulations" when he was wearing the "bride" hat! Lol. His friends are lovely people. I'm really excited to get all of our people together at the wedding. It's gonna be so fun!!

Anyway, I hope all is good in your respective worlds. Remember not to look directly at the eclipse unless you have the special glasses, drive safe if you are out and about that day, and remember, "total eclipse of the heart" has about the same run time as the eclipse itself. Do what you will with that info. Hehe. Much love and happy vibes to all! 😘 MUAH!