Getting married is way different from visiting Europe, moving to Korea, or any other "crazy" thing I've done. This involves another person. I'm tying my life to another person. I've been independent since I became an adult, so there's a part of me that feels like I'm giving that up. Which is bullshit. I'm not giving anything up. I'm getting an amazing partner. I'm not losing anything. I'm gaining everything. I've never had everything before. I've never had a relationship where I wanted to keep someone forever. I've questioned everything. I've even wondered if I was going to sabotage this for the comfort... the security of being single. It's familiar. I know how to be single, I don't know how to be married. It's all brand new. J moved in, we work different schedules so we don't see each other much. Figuring out little things like where to put his cereal or what goes in this room vs that room... we haven't even started hanging things on the walls! We'll figure this out. We have to decorate, but first we both have to be home! And awake! I like having him come home after work. Its always late and the door wakes me up, but i know its him. He is as quiet as he can be to keep from waking me, and i go back to sleep. He sleeps in the guest room until ive left for work (i try not to wake him,either), and the dance repeats. I've bought things for the apt, silly things, but things I didn't have before because it was just me, so who cares? Now I want to have things that make us both happy, that contribute to our life.
Our life. Two little words that carry a lifetime of meaning. What will our life be like? I know how my life has been... and now i don't know, and I'm both terrified and excited. The only thing I do know is that I love this man and he is who I want to build a life with.
I got to thinking about when we first got together... why did I fall for him? What was it that made me go "yes" to him when it's been "no" to everyone else I've dated? I think part of it was reciprocity: we wanted to spend time together and we did. No games, no BS, just "when are you free? Wanna do something?" I asked him if he'd be my boyfriend because I didn't want to mess around with the "just talking" and "casual" and "maybe boyfriend" crap. So then I wondered if I was settling because I was SO tired of dating. I've decided no, I'm not settling. J treats me better than anyone I've ever dated. He's kind, generous, has a great sense of humor, loves his family, and adopted a 3 legged black kitty. And I find him very attractive, super adorable, and a great cuddler. I'm in love with him, not an idea of him. I don't have a list of things that i think he's going to change when we're married. When I find myself nit-picking (that sabotage voice) I remind myself that it's fear talking. Fear of tying my life to his. Because I'm getting married later in life, I feel like I've got a better idea of the "sickness," "poorer," and "bad times" parts of the vows. I saw my mom care for her husband before he passed away, I've seen my friends struggle, I know how quickly life can be snuffed out. I'm scared because I know eventually one of us will be a widow or a widower. I've had to learn how to live without people I've loved before, and I can only imagine how much worse that pain is when it's a spouse. That's my biggest struggle... if I stay single, then I don't have to face that. If I get married, I do have to. And I have to believe that the years of living a married life with our love will give some solice to whomever is left. I think it will. Doesn't stop me from telling him I require at least 50 years together. Took me 40 just to find his butt. You know how many people live in DFW!? He's been hiding this whole time!! I'm just scared. It's all so new to me.
Our wedding party will be so much fun! We all get along great. My bestie got to see the reception place, and is pretty excited. The rehearsal went well, and we will be married soon!! I can't wait. My dresses for the Bachelorette stuff and bar crawl came in, and we got J his suit! I can focus on the excitement and work through the scared. We've got this.
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