Relativity - Time has been weird

In the movie Deep Blue Sea, LL Cool J's character explains relativity. "Put your hands on a hot stove and 2 minutes can feel like 2 hours.  Put your hands on a hot woman and 2 hours can feel like 2 minutes.  It's all relative. (paraphrasing)."  Well, when you are unemployed and waiting on a background check, 1 week can feel like a month.  When you know you have the job and have to wait, 5 days can feel like 5 years.  When you get in and get settled, the intervening 3 years you've been gone can feel like 3 weeks.  Time has felt strange the last few weeks.  In all actuality, I've been in TX for 2.5 weeks.  I just finished my first week of work, and I'm pretty excited about the projects that will be coming my way.  It's going to take some time for my bosses to figure out what to do with me, but once we get going, I think we'll work really well together.

My office is everything I've ever wanted (except I'd like windows).  It's tucked back into a nook, I can arrange and decorate as I wish, I have a FRIDGE, and no one can sneak up on me.  Get the heat sorted out and I'll be a happy worker bee.  My bosses don't micromanage me, they trust me, and they have projects they would like done (I love projects).  The hours are pretty flexible as long as the work gets done and leaving early on Fridays can be the rule rather than the exception.  The coffee is good, and the people have been lovely.  Some remember me from before and it's been nice catching up with old friends.  Most of them think I'm nuts to live in Fort Worth, but when I mention the dating prospects, I usually get an 'oh, yeah, that makes sense.'  Some people have asked me why I came back to GRMC and I think I've figured it out.  Of all the jobs I've had, this is the only one where I have been accepted by my coworkers exactly how I am (kinda of an attitude of 'It's Mandi, there's only one and that's her and she is who she is and we love her') and consistently treated like an adult.  Every other job I have worked has had some kind of micromanaging (break times, work, have to check with management before doing anything, no autonomy), disparaging comments from coworkers about my wardrobe/music tastes/lack of X, Y, or Z quality they think I 'should' have, etc, and at the call center I once was talked to about excessive bathroom breaks (I had gastrointestinal issues that day) as well as being told I needed to 'update my wardrobe' if I wanted to move up in the company.  I know that eventually there will be pet peeves regarding work, no workplace is perfect after all and hospitals have their share of drama.   

I will be able to move into my apartment on April 1 after 2 pm.  I've got all my ducks in a row for moving day - electric, internet, renter's insurance.  I've been able to help some of my friends out by gladly taking any spare furniture, dishes, or other assorted excess home goods they have off their hands.  My friend A is coming to help me move, so we'll finally be able to see each other (shingles and a fire got in the way the last 2 times), and in keeping with my usual M.O, I haven't seen the apartment yet.  LOL - as long as it's bug free and the A/C works, I'm happy.  It's been a fairly painless process to get everything squared away and now that I have a good credit score, I don't have to pay a ton of deposits for things.  Damn credit card does come in handy sometimes (growl, snarl).  

Now, how do I know that TX is where I'm supposed to be?  Why do I feel so peaceful about the move and grateful to be in my 2nd home?  Well, in the next few months I'll be able to see my best friend multiple times, my friend in OK is coming down, my friend in IL will be coming down, one of my true Yankee friends is moving about 2 hours away from me, and my other true Yankee friend will be in Austin so I'll get to see her and her family as well.  And the bestest part is my friend J from Korea will be coming to MS sometime this summer, so it'll be a fairly short 8-hour drive to go see her!!  I love WY, it is my first home, but people don't visit there nearly as much as they do TX.  I may even get to see another friend who is currently in CO but also travels a lot.  So that's 7 college friends in the next few months and an international friend to boot!  I'm so stoked.  I do miss things about WY, obviously - my friends there, my parents, the scenery, my cousin and his wife - but most of my heart is either already here or able to come here for work or a visit.  Also, I know my favorite festivals and things to do/places to eat around here.  So yeah, on the one hand it's weird to admit that I'm an adopted Texan (even if I don't know all the words to the songs), on the other hand, I can't deny the feeling of 'home' I have here being surrounded by so many amazing friends and co-workers.  I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with S while she's been gracious enough to let me stay with her, and her doggies seem to have accepted me 100%.  

Three years ago, I would not have thought I'd be coming back to TX, let alone to GRMC.  It's amazing what the Lord can do for you while you are busy trying to figure it all out on your own.  It will be a long time before I forget sitting in the SA airport, crying, sad to be leaving my bestie and stressed about my lack of job prospects, and then getting that text from my TX boss lady.  Just because you can't see what the Lord is doing in your life doesn't mean that He's forgotten you.  I am eternally grateful for how things turned out, and I am prepared to LOVE my job.  I've always wanted to make a difference.  I think my ego has been telling me it needs to be on an international scale.  Maybe I can make a difference by helping to make our hospital one of the best rural hospitals in the nation.  Maybe I will make a difference, just at a local level.  I could be ok with that.  Heck, apparently I've been inspiring a friend without even knowing it until today!  I guess we truly never know who is watching and perhaps at the very end we'll be able to see how it all fit together.  That would be nice, although by that point it wouldn't matter as much, would it?

Anyway, just wanted to share my optimism and enthusiasm for the coming months.  Some of these old friends I haven't seen for around 16 or so years... maybe 17-14 would be the range.  It's been a day or two, let's just say.  I mean, I've gotten to see them online and follow their journeys that way, but MAN it will be good to see them in real life.  Even though we don't see each other often, we still have all the love for each other and that's what really counts, isn't it?  So to all of you that I haven't seen for a while, know that I love you and I think of you even though I'm BAD at reaching out.  MUAH! :*  I know the Lord is working behind the scenes for you as well!

God is love... and romance?

 I don't know if I've mentioned before, I think I have, that I have been struggling with the idea of being a 'beloved' child of God.  I've always felt more like the forgotten child of God or the reminded child of God.  With that in mind, when I went shopping for books the other day, I ran across one called The Sacred Romance - Drawing Closer to the Heart of God.  I figured, "Eh, what the heck, it's Lent and this looks like it could be good."  Boy howdy, it's a brilliant book!

I've talked to some people with a religious leaning about the yearning for God in our hearts, the want to come home to Heaven, the conviction that we are all meant for something more than just our lives here on Earth.  As I was reading the book, I felt that the authors really knew all of what I've been struggling with.  They knew about the longing, the hurts of life (that they called Arrows), the many and varied ways we turn away from God and distract ourselves with nearly ANYTHING trying to find the fulfillment that will ultimately only come when we are in Heaven.  They explained the story of salvation as being a play - Act I was God and the Angels and the War of Heaven, Act II was Creation, Adam and Eve, and the fall, Act III is where we are now - living in a fallen world as part of a play that we don't understand or were able to study our lines for, as well as the redemption of Jesus and God's attempt to show us how much he loves us and trying to get us to choose Him, and Act VI is living in Heaven.  Being an avid reader of all kinds of stories, as well as a thespian at heart, this book spoke my own truth back to me and brought a lot of concepts together - not in the head, but in the heart.  

Ah my heart, the one thing I've never trusted.  The thing that wants to run wild and so often is hurt when it does.  The thing that I've tried to protect since the first time it was broken, way back in my childhood.  The thing I've denied, forced to the back of my mind, repressed in every way possible, and ignored for most of my life.  The thing that is in most desperate need of healing and the love of God.  If you haven't guessed, I have a very unhealthy relationship with my heart.  That may be one reason I love The Awkward Yeti cartoons of Heart and Brain so much.  Brain so often tried to reel Heart in, but sometimes Heart still gets to run wild.  

One of the things that the book talks about is friendship and how we can never really know the heart of another, and so all love carries with it an element of risk.  I recognized this very strongly in my own life because often in the getting-to-know-you stage of things, I feel like the person who is becoming my friend isn't really all that keen, but rather tolerating me for some reason of their own.  I have struggled with this in every new friendship I've ever experienced.  Perhaps because so often when I was growing up people at school would pretend to be my friend and then somehow use it to humiliate me later.  Feeling as though betrayal is inevitable, I am a very guarded person.  As J once described me - "the girl with the emerald eyes and the guarded heart."  Often enough, I feel that my guarding is justified - when I find out what people have been saying behind my back, I feel vindicated that they didn't get more ammunition because I did in fact keep them "at arm's length."  Of course, this is not true of everyone.  Those who I learn are trustworthy become friends of the heart (or Anam Cara - "Soul friend" in the Celtic language), people who I would go to the ends of the Earth for.  I am HUGELY blessed to have such people in my life.  A lot of them are in Texas, funny enough, which is part of why coming back to TX feels so much like coming home.  I was telling my lunch friend in WY about S, who I'm staying with, and he said something about "You must have really good friends" and I responded with "Yeah, I really do."  God has seen fit to put some AMAZING people in my life, and I am eternally grateful to Him for them.

The book brings this back around to God as well - the love I share with those friends in my life is merely a shadow of the love that God has for me.  Indeed, the most intense romantic feelings I have ever felt for a man is merely a shadow of the romantic feelings God has for me.  Picturing Him as a lover whom I have scorned, turned away from, and actively resented and contemplating His heart breaking over love for me is a new concept.  Being Catholic I'm aware that sin breaks God's heart, but I always thought about it as more the resignation of a judge seeing the same criminal for the umpteenth time, never as someone whose heart is breaking at watching me choose my own destruction over the passionate love He has for me.  Seeing God as someone who wants love, friendship, and romance with me is a radical concept in my world.  Far from the disinterested judge that He has become in my mind.  

All in all, I'd say this was a very good $.50 find at a thrift store.  S is going to read it next, and if any of you are interested you can either let me know or get a copy for yourself.  Identifying the Arrows of our lives that keep us from trusting God and entering into a romance with Him, trusting Him to heal those parts of our hearts from which stem the lies we tell about ourselves "I'm worthless, life is terrible, I can't depend on anyone but me..." etc, seems like an extremely worthwhile thing to do.  Anything to make this life a little less despairing.  

So that's something that I wanted to share with all of you.  Coming back to more Earthly-related concerns, I start my new job on Monday, I'm still waiting on approval from the apartment complex (grrrr), and S and I are enjoying each other's company.  I've been struggling with being patient because, of course, I want to know everything NOW so that I can plan accordingly.  I have to keep reminding myself that I've only been here for a week and a half.  I need to be patient, as things will happen the way that they are supposed to.  You know how great I am at patience... LOL.  Anyway, I hope all is going well in all of your lives - please pray for the people in TX whose homes have been devastated by the wild fires.  Sending much love, hugs, and prayers.  MUAH!  :*

A post about Lent

 "The season of Lent is upon us."  So says the priest in my favorite Lent movie - Chocolat.  A time of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.  My first real prayer this Lent was "Please, Lord, let me get to a gas station."  I KNEW I shoulda fueled up some in Chugwater, but I was convinced I could make it to Cheyenne... I did, but by the fumes in the fuel line, methinks.  At the time, I thought "You know, Lord, I don't mean to only turn to you when I've done something stupid... I really need to work on that."

For me, Lent has become less of a "crap, we gotta fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, and WOE to those who forget and eat meat on Friday... what food would be a 'sacrifice' for me?" season and more of a "What is REALLY hindering, getting in the way of, or otherwise messing with me having a real relationship with Jesus?" season.  Will giving up cheese make me closer to the Lord?  Probably not, TBH.  Will giving up dating?  Yeeeees (reluctantly).  Will giving up dating and really praying about it and surrendering that part of my life to God bring me closer to Him?  YES!  Am I ready for this?  NO!  < And there you have my dilemma.  Did I decide to give up dating?  Yes.  Am I trying to figure that whole thing out?  Yes.  Am I ready to surrender that to God?  Nope, nope, nope, I still think I got this and turning that over to Him scares the BEJEZUS out of me.  So, I figure that's where some of my fast and prayer need to be focused during this season.  Why does turning that specific part of my life over to God scare me so much?  I think it's because I'm afraid that what I want and what He wants are VASTLY different.  However, I have to remember that He won't want anything for me that isn't for my good, and He does give us a choice!  Just because the Church is obsessed with women having babies doesn't mean that He wants us to have babies if WE don't really want them... right?  Sigh... so many questions on this topic.

Has the world and life given me plenty of other things to pray about?  Yes.  Do I need to go into them here?  Probably not, you know as well as I do what's been going on, so really what I need to do is make sure to carve out the time each day for prayer and reflection.

Almsgiving - funny enough, doesn't have to be money.  Where can I donate my talents or time to work for the Lord?  Somehow, I get the feeling something will come up.

Really my purpose with this post is talking about the books I've been reading for Lent.  I chose to finally read "Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry - 5 steps to discerning God's will."  I figure that should help with the whole "am I called to married life" question.  I know there are things about being married that would be nice - a partner, company, someone ELSE to get the food and bring it home, etc - but does that mean that I'm really CALLED to it?  Hopefully the guidance, reflections, and prayers in the book will help.  My friend S who I am staying with said I should read "Jesus is still Jesus" which is a book her pastor had written.  It was really good and gave me some things to think about regarding a relationship with Jesus.  As a cradle Catholic, that isn't something that I was taught much about.  Mostly I scoffed at the idea of Jesus as my "best friend" (what a Protestant concept, I thought then) and just attended Mass on Sundays.  Recently, however, I came to the realization that I don't really think of myself as being ... passionately... dynamically... head-over-heels... I'm not sure what term I'm going for... ACTIVELY - that's it.  I don't think of myself as being actively loved by God.  The love I figure he has for me is the passive "Oh, yeah, I love her" kind of indifferent (I think that's the right word, if not it's close) love.  Honestly, it's probably because that's how I feel about Him.  I mean, I don't talk to him almost ever but as soon as that fuel light came on, it was a mantra.  To be fair, once I got to the gas station there was a lot of "Thank you Jesus, thankyouthankyouthankyou."  

God has always been "there" for me, but I've never been good at actively talking to Him.  Really... I'm not good at actively talking to ANYONE - I feel horrible sometimes because I have a friend who is amazing at checking in on me and I feel like I rarely check on her the same way.  Other friends are the same way as me - we love each other, we know we love each other, but we can go long periods of time without talking because we understand that life gets in the way however the love is still there.  It's solid, it's like we're in different boats on the same body of water and we share an anchor.  The chains going to the anchor are long and the boats can drift a LONG way away, but the love we share is that anchor keeping us connected.  I know that God wants a deep, intimate relationship with His people, I just never understood how that could be achieved... or I do know how, I'm not just willing to put in the work.  Probably more the 2nd part of that statement, tbh.  What do our religious leaders tell us?  Read the Bible - spend time reading the Gospels, learn who Jesus is.  Not who he WAS, because he wasn't just some guy who lived a long time ago, but who is IS because he won victory over death and is alive today.  I believe all this with all my heart.  So, what is making me think/believe that he is some absent-minded, forgetful relative that has to be reminded that I exist?  Something for me to think and pray on during this season.  

In the book S had me read, there is a lovely story about a man standing next to a waterfall holding a black umbrella.  Jesus comes to him and says to step into the waterfall, that's Jesus' love for this man.  He does, with his umbrella.  He says that he's not feeling all the changes Jesus promised and Jesus tells him to let go of the umbrella.  The umbrella is all the pain, hurt, addictions, and things keeping the man from fully experiencing Jesus' love for him.  When he gives Jesus the umbrella, he is able to fully experience all the love Jesus has for him.  I thought it was a beautiful story (from a dream he had) that illustrates some of what I've been struggling with.  I wrote once about being afraid to let go of my hurt because I didn't know who I was without it.  Apparently, this guy gets it... Lent is a good season to let go of that umbrella - give it to Jesus - and experience the love he wants to give.  Then we have the Easter season to joyfully celebrate his triumph over death and his redemption of us.

Just a few thoughts of the season and some of the things that have been on my mind and heart.  I've been enjoying the time to sit and read with S.  She made an AMAZING spaghetti lunch this afternoon and also does the IF thing, so I don't have to justify my non-eating days to her (such a blessing in itself, really).  Non-Lent related, but I've got some POUNDS to lose (even if 1 or 2 guys have told me to keep 'em... sigh).

Plans changed, but I made it to Texas

 Well, if any of you follow my Facebook or talk to Mom you know that my WY to TX back to WY and then back to TX plan didn't work out at all.  The Thursday before I was supposed to leave, I threw my back out BAD.  I'm talking I could barely move - sitting was agony, standing was agony, laying down was ok as long as I didn't move.  That Monday I went to the chiro and he popped me back into place.  It still hurts sometimes but not at all as bad as it was.  To describe the spasming pain, it was like someone grabbed a handful of nerves in my back, squeezed, and twisted, then let go.  Then if I moved wrong, it happened again.  Driving was a nightmare because every bump and turn it would happen.  So all in all, it's a good thing that I decided to just take it easy and relax.  

On Friday night Mom and I headed up to Shell to see my cousin P and his wife R.  It was a really nice visit, I got to see their shop and their cows, I chose not to go see the pigs, as the pig I was most interested in was already in the freezer.  They raise and butcher their own meat, so it was a real treat to have home-grown steaks, bacon, and sausage.  They took us up on the mountain and so I got to see Shell Falls, which was pretty cool (and cold, it was snowing the whole time).  Then we went to a cemetery where my aunt, great grandparents and great-great grandpa are buried.  Great-great grandpa's headstone was in Gaelic.  We got to the shop and had steaks for dinner (from a bull named Fred) which P cooked and they were AMAZING.  The next morning R made us some breakfast burritos and then we hit the road back to Riverton.  I took off the next morning for Texas.

Sicc'em Sam in his stylish coat!

The dogs getting ready for the cattle drive.

A 21st century cattle drive.  Have the treats in the truck, let the cows see ya, drive slowly until you get to where you want them to go... 

... then spread out the treats for all of them to find!  Easiest cattle drive EVER.  This is R, the cow whisperer.  

Here's P, doing his part (besides driving the truck).  They also had to fix some of the fence to keep the darn cows in.  Apparently they are escape artists, who knew?

This one stopped for a pose.

So did the longhorn.

I loved this idea - perfect in the summer, a bit impractical for the winter.

Such a nice creek.

Up the mountain and to the falls we went.

Aren't we cuuuute?!

SO, SO cold.

Shell falls - just a little cold and icy.

It's a pretty area.

Headed back down the mountain we saw some elk, but I couldn't get a good picture of them.

Love the canyon.

Great-great grandpa's gravestone.

R noticed this sight - the baby is BRAND NEW - the momma still has some after-birth hanging out.

Headed back to the ranch.

Their friend made this - they have it in front of their stove that heats the place.

Fred was DELICIOUS.

Lou Lou is not happy she didn't get any (she's on a diet).  On the way home we say 2 bald eagles and a couple of hawks.  Then there's the usual deer and antelope, too.

The trip down to Amarillo was mostly uneventful, though there were a few parts of I-25 in Wyoming that looked like an ice-skating rink.  I got down to Colorado and just had to deal with cold and slush on the highways.  Going thru Denver was no problem.  I was talking to my OTR trucker sister, and we had to laugh because we were both looking for rest areas at the same time, just on different roads in different states.  I stopped in Amarillo to spend the night, which was probably a good thing, but LORD have mercy, I gave myself a heart attack.  I stopped the car, whipped out my smart phone, and found a decently priced Super 8 motel.  Then I got the GPS going and started off.  Well, right away I drove by a skeezy looking Super 8 and thought "crap, that's probably the one I just booked."  I continued to follow my GPS and it took me to a nicer looking one.  Walked in, tried to check in, and the lady said "You're at the wrong one, there are 3 along this highway."  I went "crap, I booked the skeezy one, didn't I?"  She looked at me sympathetically and said to go down the highway a couple of exits and that should be my hotel.  Lo and behold, there was a Super 8 between that one and the skeezy one, which I hadn't noticed because I was distracted by the American Quarter Horse Museum.  Turned out I was booked at that one, which wasn't bad but was under renovations.  The room was pretty nice, but the shower hadn't been done yet, so I didn't shower that night.  I went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, came back, and went to sleep.  

The next day, I was able to see my truck driving sister!  I met her at a truck stop, we cleaned out my front seat so that she had a place to sit, grabbed the puppy and went for coffee.  After coffee we found a park to walk around and get the pup all exercised and have us work up an appetite for lunch.  After that, we went to lunch at El Patron (SO GOOD), and then picked up Chinese food for her hubby when he woke up (told them to make it EXTRA spicy, like, make him regret being BORN spicy), then I dropped her off at the truck and headed for Granbury.  The funniest part of the trip was the puppy being quite confused that she couldn't jump into the back seat the way she normally would.  She looked at my sister with a "what the heck??" look and we both got quite a kick out of it.  Goofy pupper.  

Small seester, BIG truck.  Hehe.

Puppy!!

Puppy is ready to GO!

I think this is the "I was eating a chip!" smile.  Hehe - seriously, GREAT mexican food at this place, and the drinks looked good, too.

I mean, SOOOO GOOD!

I got into my friend S's house around 7-ish.  There was a bunch of traffic around the square which I later learned was because it's spring break.  Remember that?  Yeah, I forgot about it, too.

The next day, I went to GRMC to handle all the HR stuff.  Now here is something to think about.  I don't do drugs, I know I don't do drugs, I'm the least likely person to take anything stronger than whiskey.  However, every time I have a drug test I have to ask, "It's negative, right?"  EVERY. STINKING. TIME.  Why does my brain to this to me?!  The most I had in my system was caffeine from the coffee I had that morning.  SMH.  Anyway, now we are just waiting for the background check to come back and I'm good to go.  Then I went to Fort Worth to look at apartments - so many choices and so many different prices.  I'm glad I went to check out the areas, because some apartments seemed good but the stores in the area had bars on the windows and the road had a lot of dips in it before you got to the tollway.  I decided on a cute little complex closer to the tollway, tucked back away from the main drag, that is all coffee themed.  The lady was personable, helpful, and didn't tell me to "check back every day" for an opening.  So, I went back to my friend S's house, filled out the application, and regaled her with stories of my day.  I also found out that WY got ANOTHER big snow storm the day after I left, so I'm really quite glad that everything worked out so well.  

The view from my friend's house - notice no snow in sight!

The floor plans of my apartment complex - my bestie introduced me to the fun of looking at floor plans.  The prices were the most reasonable I'd found.

Spoiled dog.  Whiskers being dramatic because S was upstairs!

His "You aren't my momma" look.

Yep, I get to stay with someone who has spoiled pets.  She also has a German sheperd and a Belgian sheperd, who loves to play fetch and is smart enough to drop the ball!  

Today I got the call that I'd been approved for the apartment, the one I want will be on the 2nd floor and it will be available on April 1.  That is pretty much perfect - long enough for a good visit with S and short enough that I don't feel like I'm leeching off her good nature.  As soon as HR calls and says I'm good to go, I'll have my orientation.  Things seem to be working out rather well.  Which brings me to another thought.  I suspect that when life is "working out" the way that you didn't expect, but that is really quite good for you, it's a sign that you are on the path God wants for you.  I'm not sure why He wants me back in Glen Rose, but I'm excited for how awesome our leadership team is and how amazing we can make our little rural hospital.  If everything works out, I should have insurance by April 1 as well, so I can get an appointment to see about my thyroid and back issues.  

I'm excited for the newest chapter.  I'm gonna miss my parents and friends in WY, but that's the price I pay for the life I've led.  I'm always going to miss people because I can't ever have ALL of my people in the same place at the same time.  Closest I'll ever come will be my wedding or my funeral.  I do feel good about being back - it's nice to be in a familiar place with amazing people.  Seeing my good friends in TX will be WAY easier and being in Fort Worth will give us plenty of shenanigans to get into.  I even have a couple (true) Yankee friends coming down.  I'm pausing on dating for a while to really try to get that part of my life in line with the Lord since I'm not doing so well on my own.  Lent is a great season for that.  I've also got a book to finish called "Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry."  Seems fitting, right?