"The season of Lent is upon us." So says the priest in my favorite Lent movie - Chocolat. A time of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. My first real prayer this Lent was "Please, Lord, let me get to a gas station." I KNEW I shoulda fueled up some in Chugwater, but I was convinced I could make it to Cheyenne... I did, but by the fumes in the fuel line, methinks. At the time, I thought "You know, Lord, I don't mean to only turn to you when I've done something stupid... I really need to work on that."
For me, Lent has become less of a "crap, we gotta fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, and WOE to those who forget and eat meat on Friday... what food would be a 'sacrifice' for me?" season and more of a "What is REALLY hindering, getting in the way of, or otherwise messing with me having a real relationship with Jesus?" season. Will giving up cheese make me closer to the Lord? Probably not, TBH. Will giving up dating? Yeeeees (reluctantly). Will giving up dating and really praying about it and surrendering that part of my life to God bring me closer to Him? YES! Am I ready for this? NO! < And there you have my dilemma. Did I decide to give up dating? Yes. Am I trying to figure that whole thing out? Yes. Am I ready to surrender that to God? Nope, nope, nope, I still think I got this and turning that over to Him scares the BEJEZUS out of me. So, I figure that's where some of my fast and prayer need to be focused during this season. Why does turning that specific part of my life over to God scare me so much? I think it's because I'm afraid that what I want and what He wants are VASTLY different. However, I have to remember that He won't want anything for me that isn't for my good, and He does give us a choice! Just because the Church is obsessed with women having babies doesn't mean that He wants us to have babies if WE don't really want them... right? Sigh... so many questions on this topic.
Has the world and life given me plenty of other things to pray about? Yes. Do I need to go into them here? Probably not, you know as well as I do what's been going on, so really what I need to do is make sure to carve out the time each day for prayer and reflection.
Almsgiving - funny enough, doesn't have to be money. Where can I donate my talents or time to work for the Lord? Somehow, I get the feeling something will come up.
Really my purpose with this post is talking about the books I've been reading for Lent. I chose to finally read "Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry - 5 steps to discerning God's will." I figure that should help with the whole "am I called to married life" question. I know there are things about being married that would be nice - a partner, company, someone ELSE to get the food and bring it home, etc - but does that mean that I'm really CALLED to it? Hopefully the guidance, reflections, and prayers in the book will help. My friend S who I am staying with said I should read "Jesus is still Jesus" which is a book her pastor had written. It was really good and gave me some things to think about regarding a relationship with Jesus. As a cradle Catholic, that isn't something that I was taught much about. Mostly I scoffed at the idea of Jesus as my "best friend" (what a Protestant concept, I thought then) and just attended Mass on Sundays. Recently, however, I came to the realization that I don't really think of myself as being ... passionately... dynamically... head-over-heels... I'm not sure what term I'm going for... ACTIVELY - that's it. I don't think of myself as being actively loved by God. The love I figure he has for me is the passive "Oh, yeah, I love her" kind of indifferent (I think that's the right word, if not it's close) love. Honestly, it's probably because that's how I feel about Him. I mean, I don't talk to him almost ever but as soon as that fuel light came on, it was a mantra. To be fair, once I got to the gas station there was a lot of "Thank you Jesus, thankyouthankyouthankyou."
God has always been "there" for me, but I've never been good at actively talking to Him. Really... I'm not good at actively talking to ANYONE - I feel horrible sometimes because I have a friend who is amazing at checking in on me and I feel like I rarely check on her the same way. Other friends are the same way as me - we love each other, we know we love each other, but we can go long periods of time without talking because we understand that life gets in the way however the love is still there. It's solid, it's like we're in different boats on the same body of water and we share an anchor. The chains going to the anchor are long and the boats can drift a LONG way away, but the love we share is that anchor keeping us connected. I know that God wants a deep, intimate relationship with His people, I just never understood how that could be achieved... or I do know how, I'm not just willing to put in the work. Probably more the 2nd part of that statement, tbh. What do our religious leaders tell us? Read the Bible - spend time reading the Gospels, learn who Jesus is. Not who he WAS, because he wasn't just some guy who lived a long time ago, but who is IS because he won victory over death and is alive today. I believe all this with all my heart. So, what is making me think/believe that he is some absent-minded, forgetful relative that has to be reminded that I exist? Something for me to think and pray on during this season.
In the book S had me read, there is a lovely story about a man standing next to a waterfall holding a black umbrella. Jesus comes to him and says to step into the waterfall, that's Jesus' love for this man. He does, with his umbrella. He says that he's not feeling all the changes Jesus promised and Jesus tells him to let go of the umbrella. The umbrella is all the pain, hurt, addictions, and things keeping the man from fully experiencing Jesus' love for him. When he gives Jesus the umbrella, he is able to fully experience all the love Jesus has for him. I thought it was a beautiful story (from a dream he had) that illustrates some of what I've been struggling with. I wrote once about being afraid to let go of my hurt because I didn't know who I was without it. Apparently, this guy gets it... Lent is a good season to let go of that umbrella - give it to Jesus - and experience the love he wants to give. Then we have the Easter season to joyfully celebrate his triumph over death and his redemption of us.
Just a few thoughts of the season and some of the things that have been on my mind and heart. I've been enjoying the time to sit and read with S. She made an AMAZING spaghetti lunch this afternoon and also does the IF thing, so I don't have to justify my non-eating days to her (such a blessing in itself, really). Non-Lent related, but I've got some POUNDS to lose (even if 1 or 2 guys have told me to keep 'em... sigh).
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