I don't know if I've mentioned before, I think I have, that I have been struggling with the idea of being a 'beloved' child of God. I've always felt more like the forgotten child of God or the reminded child of God. With that in mind, when I went shopping for books the other day, I ran across one called The Sacred Romance - Drawing Closer to the Heart of God. I figured, "Eh, what the heck, it's Lent and this looks like it could be good." Boy howdy, it's a brilliant book!
I've talked to some people with a religious leaning about the yearning for God in our hearts, the want to come home to Heaven, the conviction that we are all meant for something more than just our lives here on Earth. As I was reading the book, I felt that the authors really knew all of what I've been struggling with. They knew about the longing, the hurts of life (that they called Arrows), the many and varied ways we turn away from God and distract ourselves with nearly ANYTHING trying to find the fulfillment that will ultimately only come when we are in Heaven. They explained the story of salvation as being a play - Act I was God and the Angels and the War of Heaven, Act II was Creation, Adam and Eve, and the fall, Act III is where we are now - living in a fallen world as part of a play that we don't understand or were able to study our lines for, as well as the redemption of Jesus and God's attempt to show us how much he loves us and trying to get us to choose Him, and Act VI is living in Heaven. Being an avid reader of all kinds of stories, as well as a thespian at heart, this book spoke my own truth back to me and brought a lot of concepts together - not in the head, but in the heart.
Ah my heart, the one thing I've never trusted. The thing that wants to run wild and so often is hurt when it does. The thing that I've tried to protect since the first time it was broken, way back in my childhood. The thing I've denied, forced to the back of my mind, repressed in every way possible, and ignored for most of my life. The thing that is in most desperate need of healing and the love of God. If you haven't guessed, I have a very unhealthy relationship with my heart. That may be one reason I love The Awkward Yeti cartoons of Heart and Brain so much. Brain so often tried to reel Heart in, but sometimes Heart still gets to run wild.
One of the things that the book talks about is friendship and how we can never really know the heart of another, and so all love carries with it an element of risk. I recognized this very strongly in my own life because often in the getting-to-know-you stage of things, I feel like the person who is becoming my friend isn't really all that keen, but rather tolerating me for some reason of their own. I have struggled with this in every new friendship I've ever experienced. Perhaps because so often when I was growing up people at school would pretend to be my friend and then somehow use it to humiliate me later. Feeling as though betrayal is inevitable, I am a very guarded person. As J once described me - "the girl with the emerald eyes and the guarded heart." Often enough, I feel that my guarding is justified - when I find out what people have been saying behind my back, I feel vindicated that they didn't get more ammunition because I did in fact keep them "at arm's length." Of course, this is not true of everyone. Those who I learn are trustworthy become friends of the heart (or Anam Cara - "Soul friend" in the Celtic language), people who I would go to the ends of the Earth for. I am HUGELY blessed to have such people in my life. A lot of them are in Texas, funny enough, which is part of why coming back to TX feels so much like coming home. I was telling my lunch friend in WY about S, who I'm staying with, and he said something about "You must have really good friends" and I responded with "Yeah, I really do." God has seen fit to put some AMAZING people in my life, and I am eternally grateful to Him for them.
The book brings this back around to God as well - the love I share with those friends in my life is merely a shadow of the love that God has for me. Indeed, the most intense romantic feelings I have ever felt for a man is merely a shadow of the romantic feelings God has for me. Picturing Him as a lover whom I have scorned, turned away from, and actively resented and contemplating His heart breaking over love for me is a new concept. Being Catholic I'm aware that sin breaks God's heart, but I always thought about it as more the resignation of a judge seeing the same criminal for the umpteenth time, never as someone whose heart is breaking at watching me choose my own destruction over the passionate love He has for me. Seeing God as someone who wants love, friendship, and romance with me is a radical concept in my world. Far from the disinterested judge that He has become in my mind.
All in all, I'd say this was a very good $.50 find at a thrift store. S is going to read it next, and if any of you are interested you can either let me know or get a copy for yourself. Identifying the Arrows of our lives that keep us from trusting God and entering into a romance with Him, trusting Him to heal those parts of our hearts from which stem the lies we tell about ourselves "I'm worthless, life is terrible, I can't depend on anyone but me..." etc, seems like an extremely worthwhile thing to do. Anything to make this life a little less despairing.
So that's something that I wanted to share with all of you. Coming back to more Earthly-related concerns, I start my new job on Monday, I'm still waiting on approval from the apartment complex (grrrr), and S and I are enjoying each other's company. I've been struggling with being patient because, of course, I want to know everything NOW so that I can plan accordingly. I have to keep reminding myself that I've only been here for a week and a half. I need to be patient, as things will happen the way that they are supposed to. You know how great I am at patience... LOL. Anyway, I hope all is going well in all of your lives - please pray for the people in TX whose homes have been devastated by the wild fires. Sending much love, hugs, and prayers. MUAH! :*
Awesome insight!
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