First days of vacation

 Not everyone understands the loveliness of a stay-cation, but that's what I am enjoying.  Monday was classes as usual, then afterwards I decorated my classroom for Halloween :)

I'm excited for the kids to come back and see it.  We were also given gifts from work for Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving).  

Pretty wrapping

Pretty box

Full of Korean goodies - I haven't tried any of them yet, but I'm sure they will be lovely.

The first day of vacation, as you all know, was TACO TUESDAY!  So S and I went to Gangnam, then to another area of Seoul where we went to Masa Taco.  On our way, I found this ad, which I thought was fun as it seems to be truth in advertising - "probably" just made me laugh.

They of course brought chips and salsa - not terrible, but not great either.

This is my chamoy mangorita.  The guy came and brought it to me, asked if I'd ever had it before and when I answered in the negative he said I needed to mix it until it was a uniform orange color.

I think I did a good job.  It was good - sweet and salty and a little spicy.

We got the Masa Tots for an appetizer, and the quesadilla was S's.

I got a burrito with tomatillo pork.  It was SO GOOD!

Then I had their general margarita, which as interesting cuz I've never had a margarita with NO ICE!

No clue why the salt was blue, either.

As we were walking around, we found this mural that tickled me.  I had to take a pic.

So we ended up at a Czech pub.  I had my usual Kozel dark, which I love but without the cinnamon and sugar, which still confuses me, tbh.

It was soo good!

After this we went back to Dongtan and went for a couple more drinks at Baby Guinness which is probably our favorite pub.  S says that they do a better quesadilla than Masa did, which I found interesting.  It was nice to have refried beans in a burrito for the first time in forever.  I'll for sure go back there, the food was good and I liked the tots.

Today is Wednesday and my only plans are to go grocery shopping for a few things (most places will probably be closed on Friday, which will be another staying in day for me), and having dinner with J.  Tomorrow I'm going to Seoul for a haircut and some shopping (curious as to what is open).  I'm also going to drop by the war memorial so I can take a pic of the names of soldiers from WY that passed away (requested from my Bro-in-law).  Should be a nice, chill day in Seoul.  The weather has been absolutely beautiful lately, so I'm really enjoying that.  I know I could have gone to an island or something, but I'm liking not worrying about what's in my bank account right now.  (Also every time I go to do something kinda expensive, my older sister's voice in my head goes "You're supposed to be SAVING money, remember."  Sigh... no getting rid of THAT voice, I can tell you.)  I have a hike planned in Nov (decent price), so that should be fun.  

As for other stuff, I'm just pluggin' along (as Dad would say).  I was able to call Mom and Dad and Mo on my usual days, have a phone date set up with Gma and Gpa tomorrow, and my usual call to Ana on Friday.  I'm hoping that E and I can get together at some point over the next few days, but we shall see if that's possible.  I've been studying the constitution and the amendments to prepare for my test, reading the Economist to get up on the world and US news, and reading Guns, Germs, and Steel which has been an interesting look at why societies develop at different rates.  So you know, enjoying studying (cuz I'm a nerd/geek like that), chilling at home, making new friends (and keeping the old, thanks Girl Scouts), and making plans A, B, and C.  LOL - cuz that's how I roll.  Much love to all back home, miss you like crazy, and looking forward to when I can see you again.  MUAH!  :*

Lazy is an artform

The week ended on a fairly happy note.  I had a happy teacher moment.  One of the words in my Sapling 2 class was polite (is it more polite or politer) and one of my favorite students started laughing.  He raised his hand and went 'Teacher, being polite is not making loud noises and only having one person talking at a time, right?"  I told him yes, that's right.  He kept laughing and pointed at my class rules "Your rules are about being polite!"  I went YES!  I'm trying to teach you to be polite when you talk, that's why I don't like when more than one person is talking at once!  I've been found out!  Hehe.  I love that class. 

It's been a wonderful lazy weekend.  I've been watching Netflix and trying to figure out how to meet up with a guy.  He was in quarantine last week and now he's trying to figure out how to get around in Korea.  Wish us luck, he seems nice.  We've had 2 voice calls and one video call so far, so confirmed that neither of us is catfishing the other.  LOL - modern dating problems.  Update: we did get to meet up and it was nice.  He's a nice guy, and will be referred to as E. 

I love this pic... the spider itself was pretty cool looking, but I couldn't get the right angle.  So E and I took a walk and then went to Daiso where I got some Halloween decorations for my classroom.  I'm planning on decorating today after the kids leave.  

As for this week, we work today and then we have the rest of the week off.  So tomorrow is Taco Tuesday, then I have a haircut and day out in Seoul on Thursday and this weekend I'm making chili!  Stay spooky my friends :)

The kiddos are back

 Today was... intense.  I know, I didn't need to wait until the last min to do things, but that's who I am sometimes.  I had to make seating charts today, make copies of the quizzes I was supposed to give out (I also got at least 1 paper cut today) all to get ready to have kids in class.  It was a good day, giving away incentives to those kids who did them, still getting thru all the lessons, setting up some coachings, being able to really help some with what they've been struggling with.  The thing that is easy to forget when the kids are online, but is sooo crucial when they are at April is how friggin' cute they are!!!  I had kids from last term come to give me hugs and show me where their new classes were, others just wanted to say 'Hello,' and sometimes you just have to stand there and go... oh yeah, this is why I wanted to stay.  My little Ellen who was a Seedbed 2 my first semester here is now a Sprout 1 and she's grown up sooo much!!  She's also cute as a button.  I was able to give my 'raise your hand' speech and in at least 2 classes I was able to give a 'put your name on it so I know who to blame' speech.  I forgot how fun it can be to play up the drama for the students.  Teaching 100% appeals to my inner thespian, not gonna lie.

If I teaching in the mask, I can wears the lip ring!  Only problem was I lost one of the balls beneath my wardrobe when I dropped it.  Oops.  Good thing I had spares.

A beautiful Fall day - and my favorite tree is starting to blush!

Masked up, A/C is no longer squeaking, ready for kiddos!!

I'd also like to announce that I now have THREE plans for my Chueseok break: Taco Tuesday, haircut, and making chili.  We shall see what, if anything, happens with any of the military guys I've been chatting with (on a friendly level).  I will also be preparing to take the next steps in what will hopefully become my next great work adventure.  Most I can tell is that it's going to require a lot of reading and also... a subscription to the Economist online.  Hehe.  I might also look into the WSJ just so that I can really stay current on what's going on in the world.  Having a plan makes the stress levels go down for a while - let me report back once dates are set and things are more solid.  

Basically I'm still a ball of stress that is waiting for the next chapter to begin, but the stress has been down graded from being like razor wire to being more like barbed wire.  You can handle it carefully but you don't need the heavy duty gloves.  

I'd also like to take a moment, yet again, to say how truly thankful I am for all the AMAZING people in my life, on both sides of the world.  My people back home have been so amazing and supportive of me, and I really appreciate everything - every package, every card, every FB message, every 'I miss you,' every 'I thought of you,' every phone/video date - every little thing that reminds me that you love me and I love you.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  As for the people in Korea - it hasn't always been easy, but it's meant the world to me how you've stuck by and through me with all that this experience has been, for all of us.  It's had some really high ups and some really low downs - and I couldn't have survived without you.  Thank you, from every voice in my head.

One thing this experience has taught me is how important it is to surround yourself with good people who love you too much to let you stay in the same place - be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental.  At a certain point, healing has to come thru others - that was a hard lesson to learn.  Much love to all who finish this post - 3 working days left to Chuseok, then about 5 months left in Korea.  MUAH! :*

90's throwback

 I've mentioned before that I've been super stressed about things that are out of my control.  To share, one of the biggest things that I'm stressed about and trying not to think about is coming home without a job.  Yes, I've been looking online.  Yes, the times are uncertain because of Covid.  Yes, there's only so much I can control.  I know all these things, and I am also saving $ for when I come home.  I've got it figured that I should be able to come home with about the same amount that I had saved before I left.  That should be enough to get me a decent enough vehicle, and I can work while looking for other work as well.  All that being said, I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to all those back home who are willing to open their homes and hearts to a homeless vagabond coming home from Korea.  I love and miss all of you so much and I do not intend to be a bum forever.  I mentioned in a video message to my bestie that maybe I'll have a career by 40... yikes.  

My intention in writing all this is to get it out of my system, but I'm not sure it's working as I sit here and my stress levels go thru the roof.  I'm also 26 hrs into a 47 hour fast tho, so that could be contributing to the stress I'm already feeling.  I'm also down a rabbit hole of 90's alternative songs, which has been helping my mental state.  I know it's regressing to a time that was easier, but doesn't make it any less effective.  I'll come thru this, I'll come home and find a job and again be a functioning member of society - it's just while I'm waiting for the time to be able to do that, I'll sometimes be a ball of stress and freak out.  Historically speaking, I've always thrived.  Going to school in OH, moving to TX, running away to Europe, coming back to TX, coming to Korea - it's always worked out.  There is no reason to think that this time I'll end up totally screwed.  There's just always that fraidy cat voice in the head.  Any life change comes with lots of stress, right?  Doesn't mean that it's not good or going to be terrible - just means that things are unknown and trust has to happen.  There's also a bit of the waiting - J and I talked about that.  Basically we're ready for things to happen so that other things can happen and we're both struggling with waiting for the starting pistol.  LOL - anticipation of the start of the new chapter can rob you of enjoying the end of the current chapter.  We've both got to be able to enjoy the last few months of Korea before starting the next bit.

Now I'd like to give a shout out to AL who knows me REALLY well.  We have been emailing back and forth about my misadventures in dating and she pointed out that if a guy were to move too fast, I'd be the one to pump the brakes.  That just happened so congrats to her for being 100% right.  I talked on the phone and had a 2 hour walk with W.  Yesterday we were supposed to meet up (I was fasting that day) and I asked him what he was wanting to do.  He suggested we cook together, I told him that I would be fasting and therefore not cooking so we could take another walk.  Yesterday he asked if I still wanted him to come over and I told him no, it has been a stressful week and I was in a doom and destruction mindset, can we take a rain check.  He said yes initially then asked about what my longest relationship was.  I told him just shy of a year and that was in college.  I then told him that I had taken an 8 year break from dating and had just started getting back into it about 2-3 years ago.  He asked if I was scared to date.  I told him no, but I am trying to break certain habits so I subject myself to intense scrutiny.  After a few more messages he said that he thought I was not exactly ready for a boyfriend at this time.  He was really sweet and said he hopes I meet someone when I am ready.  It was the most amiable and honest parting of the ways I've ever had.  So AL is right, I'm at the point where I really want to date.  To go out with multiple guys, see what I like and what I don't like, get comfortable with telling someone if I feel uncomfortable, and have some fun in the process.  As much as I'd eventually like to find one weirdo to go through life with, having 5 months left in Korea is not exactly conducive for a real relationship.  So I have about 3 others that I'm still texting and we'll see what happens with them.  If nothing else, I'm at least being honest with myself regarding my ability to be around others.  Sometimes the answer is just a big NO.

So yay for making good decisions.  The weather here today is BEAUTIFUL.  The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze and if this is not drinking-on-a-patio weather, I don't know what is.  I have no real plans for Saturday yet, but I think there will be food, drinks, and being outside.  I've found that being on Instagram has it's drawbacks - at least 2 'famous' people have messaged me (scam profiles) and one 'friend' did, but that turned out to be a fake profile.  I checked with my actual friend and he said he's been trying to get that shut down for a while.  Poor guy.  I don't know if it's the 47 hour fast talking or what, but I'm feeling much better about the future right now.  There's still a lot of stressors, but all things told I'm in such a better place than I was at the beginning of the year.  I know that was hell to go thru, but I'm so grateful that I made it through to the other side (with lots of help and prayers from people).  

On a different note, it amazes me how excited the Korean staff get when they hear me say something right.  I was in the coffee shop today and there were 2 of our desk staff there waiting for their coffee and I told the guy 'kamsanida' which is 'thank you' in Korean.  Both the girls got wide eyed and clapped and gave me a thumbs up.  Here I am feeling bad for being here for almost 2 years and knowing less than 10 words, but there they are just happy that I can say 'thank you' properly.  Just remember friends, it takes just a little effort to not be a crap human.  Make the effort.  (Not that any of you are crap humans, but you know what I mean.)  Same thing just happened at OK mart, I obviously didn't know the Korean for 'bag' but the guy behind the counter got it and he smiled really big when I said 'thank you' and 'goodbye' in Korean.  Seriously, the people here are so sweet.

So it is Saturday and I'm sitting with the windows in my apt open, enjoying the beautiful weather.  I signed up for the trip to Seoraksan National Park again, so here's hoping Corona doesn't mess with that again.  It's in Nov, so should it happen, there will be great pix.  I hope all of you have a great weekend and figure out good ways to de-stress.  For me, I'm planning on evicting most of the fruit flies (aka take out the trash) on Sunday, then it's DEATH by vinegar for most of them.  Been talking to another Army guy who is stuck in quarantine right now, so that's been fun.  All in all, I'm just plugging along, remembering why I like living here and putting money aside for when I come home.  Much love to all, MUAH! :*

R e s p e c t - what's so hard about that?!?

 If you have been a reader of this blog for any period of time, you are well aware that I am my own worst enemy and my harshest critic.  That being said, I realized tonight as I was laying in bed, post-shower, listening to the start of the rain storm, that I need to forgive myself for accepting less than I deserved back when I did not love myself.  I am trying to hold myself now accountable for what I was then and that's just not plausible.  I made some kind of crack regarding my past vs current forays into dating while talking to my sister this morning and she said something about 'it's not that you weren't looking, it's that you were actively avoiding.'  She's right of course - the ease with which I avoided it notwithstanding.  I have thought that perhaps taking 8 years off of dating wasn't the best of ideas, but frankly it WAS.  I was hurting and I was broken, I needed to heal and put myself back together.  If I had not, I think I would have spread the hurt to others who really didn't deserve it.  So many people in the dating world seem to have the mentality of "this one person hurt me, so I'm going to go out and hurt others of the same gender in retaliation."  Even I used to think that way, no wonder there are so many hurt people out there.

Warning: dating post coming up - there is a mention of... s e x. LOL

The thing that I'm realizing in my sleep-deprived state, is that I once had the mentality that beggars can't be choosers, so I was pathetically happy with any attention from any male.  Now I'm willing to hold out for more.  Whether that means setting boundaries with people whom I have established relationships with or setting boundaries for potential suitors.  What I'm currently struggling with is getting the potential suitors to be honest about their plans and intentions.  Frankly most of them are well aware of the lines that they can use to make it seem like they aren't going to try for more than I'm comfortable with, but in most cases there is an underlying assumption that the end goal will in fact be reached.  Not to quote Ryan Reynolds in Waiting but he had a point: "Either I don't get to sleep with her, which means I never have to call her again; or I do get to sleep with her, which means I never have to call her again."  I wanted so bad to believe that line to be an oversimplification of a complex dating attitude but no, it's common among guys who are generally referred to as 'dogs.'  I know that being overseas makes certain things more difficult as well, and really I am grateful for the opportunity to try to get comfortable with this stuff in a place where the chances of me running into any of these guys again is slim to none.  I'm still a fan of the never-running-into-an-ex-at-the-grocery-store kind of life.

It is becoming funny to me just what guys will say when they don't get their way or when they are trying to maneuver me into inviting them to my apt.  "I can't believe you haven't invited me over yet."  "You're missing out."  "Let's watch a movie, I promise we'll only cuddle."  I really don't mind the ones who just stop messaging after a while, because I've done that too.  If I'm into someone, I'll check on them after a couple of days.  If not, well, we both just fade into the background.

I realized last night that what I really want from a guy is to feel respected, heard, and wanted.  Really the standard is set pretty low - treat me like a human being, not some sex doll.  Why is that so hard to find?!  The thing I have to remember is that how someone wants to treat me is one thing, how I allow them to treat me is another.  I'm finding my voice and the courage to say "this is not ok, and I'm not going to put up with it."  It's an incredible feeling to allow myself to be honest about what I want as well as what I don't want.  I want intelligent conversation, to be able to meet for coffee or perhaps a meal, to see if there is any connection or not, and then decide whether to move forward.  I don't want any one night stands, and if the convo only lasts for a couple dates, then let's shake hands and move on.  I'm also getting better at saying "No, I can't handle meeting anyone right now, I don't want to be around people, maybe another time."  How a guy handles that tells me LOADS more about who he is and what his intentions are than anything else I can do.  So my intention is to continue to date, be clear about what I want and what is acceptable to me, and hopefully come back home more confident in my ability to communicate with the opposite sex.  It is also nice to be able to say "I know what I want."  The uncertainty of before was hard, and I know now it's because I hadn't fully healed.  Which isn't to say that I'm 100% healed of all my hurt now, but I will say that it's not as prevalent as it once had been.

End of dating portion: wasn't that bad, right?!

Now for something completely different: turns out K wanted more recommendations on metal bands for his workouts and so I'm easing him into the metal rabbit hole.  The new girl at work, A, also likes some harder music, so YAY for having fellow metal heads around.  She was so cute when she was trying to tell me what genres and bands she likes, saying 'you'll probably make fun of me, but...'  Hon, I remember those days, and true, some metal heads think that THEIR genre is the only REAL genre and will be jerks if you mention Slipknot, but not this metalhead.  Listen to what makes your heart and soul happy and body slam anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it.  That's my philosophy, anyway.  So yay for spreading the love of metal around the people I work with.  

As for the fasting update - I'm just plugging away (as my dad would say).  I think once I've hit the 100 lbs lost mark (that's 45 kg for those who need the conversion), I'll happily move to the maintenance of OMAD (one meal a day).  I don't know when that will be, but it's only about 12 lbs away.  I can handle that.  I am looking good and feeling good and that's what matters.  For those who are concerned, I still have my curves - the only thing is that my butt isn't as comfortable to sit on anymore.  Sigh... there's a BONE in there that I can FEEL... what the heck?!

Anyway, just wanted to share some thoughts, some frustrations, and some fun.  The social distancing measures have been scaled back to just a 2, so we're at the "wear a mask, don't go out a lot, wash your hands, don't be a jerk" stage again.  Bars can be open past 9 and coffee places can be dine-in again.  Everyone seems tired of the covid crap, much the same as on the other side of the world.  I am still counting down to coming home - missing everyone so much!  :*  MUAH!  I send you a kiss, tons of love, and massive hugs from Korea.

Weekend shenanigans

I've been feeling incredibly stressed lately.  The crappy thing is that there isn't much I can do to not feel stressed.  None of my stressors are things that I can control, so I've just been spiraling down the stress vortex.  Listening to Disturbed helped - their Believe album is amazing.  Even with the stress, I'm able to have some fun.  I ended up taking 2 pix that made me laugh.  

Morning coffee Mandi.  

Work coffee Mandi.  Hehehe - slight difference.  The hair has calmed down, lipstick applied, eyes may look more awake... tho I think they look slightly manic... call that the stress showing.  I actually haven't been liking any of my pix lately... I can't hide my feelings... I miss not having/admitting my feelings.

On Saturday I went to Costco for the usual stuffs and I realized that waiting for the bus is one of the things I really WONT miss about Korea.  There is one bus that goes straight to Costco - it's a 20 min bus ride.  Naver (think Google maps, but Korean) only does so well when saying when the bus will be at the stop.  It seems like it was 20 mins away for about 40 mins, then it was 3 mins away, then I had to wait for the next one.  The bus seems to come every 40-60 mins, so no matter what I'm waiting at the bus stop.  This isn't totally terrible because I brought my kindle and could read, but it is a little annoying.  I was going to meet up with W on Saturday, but I didn't get home until 3 and I had plans to go out with friends at 6.  Texting can be terrible for trying to arrange meeting up and guys, bless em, aren't so great at actually ANSWERING QUESTIONS.  I ask where, don't ask when.  People don't seem to understand that WHERE DETERMINES THE WHEN!!  I was done with public trans at that point.  So he asked me to text him when I was done hanging with my friends.

I met up with S and U outside my place and we went to a place called Liverpool Pub.  There we met up with K and J.  We had some beers, some disappointing nachos, and the fanciest shots of Macallan scotch ever.

The glass is so pretty.

2 of our party had never tried whiskey before - K said something about it smelling like rubbing alcohol.  I told him 'rubbing alcohol for external wounds, drinking alcohol for internal ones.'  Laughter ensued.

The bars are all shutting down at 9 right now because of the corona, so once that happened we went to the square and got beers from the CU, sat around, and continued to talk and drink.  S and U took off first, then around midnight or so, K, J, and I decided to call it a night.  I texted W when I got home and it turned out he was staying up to watch Liverpool play.  He's a Liverpool supporter, and seemed impressed that I knew they were playing (spoiler, J is also a supporter, that's how I knew).  I only had a small hangover this morning when I woke up, and I chalk that up to not eating (we thought they'd have pub food... we were wrong) and not drinking enough water when I came home (I was tired, it was bedtime).

So as I've continued talking to guys online I've learned that one of the things I really need to work on is not feeling bad when I'm not interested in someone.  I need to be able to say things like 'I'm not really feeling it' or 'I'm actually not interested in meeting up' or even better 'thanks for playing, but bye bye.'  I did meet up with W on Sunday and we ended up taking a 2 hour walk all around Dongtan.  The funny thing is, when we were walking Dongtan Hill we passed H and his date.  H and I met up on Thurs and had coffee and a convo, it was just funny to me that we ran into each other on the hiking trails: each with another person in a date-like way.  W seems nice and I definitely prefer meeting for afternoon dates as opposed to evening dates.  We shall see what happens.  In the meantime, I shall experiment with either telling a guy I'm not interested in continuing to talk, or just stop responding and let that be that.

I got to see a different part of Dongtan today, and I had to take a pic of it.

I have to laugh at myself... as I've mentioned, I've been stressed out.  I had a song in my head for a while and I couldn't figure out why until I remembered the background singers lyrics 'don't be so hard on yourself.'  I always have and always will be my harshest critic, and part of why I was so stressed out was because I was beating myself up again.  I really need to stop doing that.  I think because I'm trying to make better decisions in my personal life, if I let something continue longer than it should (mostly because of the ego boost, let's be honest), I beat myself up about it.  Sigh... trying to be a better version of yourself is exhausting.

On the other hand, IT'S SPOOKY SEASON!!!  These were in the closest Paris Baguette to us.  Aren't they CUUUUTE?!?!  

Also, there is a new sammich, wrap, and salad place called Salady.  This is their jalapeno chicken salad.  It came with an orange chili dressing.  Yes, you see salad, rice, beans, chicken, tomatoes, corn, and jalapenos.  It was really good!  I figure with that place nearby, I don't have to buy salad stuff that eventually goes bad.  Hehe.  I am planning on making b-fast bagels for lunch on Tue, which should be quite nice.  Costco had bagels on sale... and for some reason I've been craving eggs.

Anyway, that's pretty much all that's going on over on this side of the Pacific.  Social distancing 2.5 is over as of Sunday, so we're back to normal social distancing 2 - wear masks, avoid crowds, get take-out food if at all possible, cafes can go back to having people in them.  The weather has been beautiful and so I've been enjoying having the windows open during the day.  I still have my A/C on at night tho... gotta have it cold to sleep.  Much love to all of you, here's hoping that Corona has an actual end date... sigh. :* MUAH!

Unlearning behavior

 I posted a cryptic FB status recently about how it's hard for me to do what is best for me.  To put this into context, I mean it's hard for me to walk away from people that I've determined are not actually good to have in my life.  Case in point - a 'friend' reached out and I responded.  The history between this person and myself was varied, and we did not end on good terms.  I let them know that I did not hate them, I honestly wish only the best for them, and that I had no desire to be a part of their life or have them be a part of mine.  Had that person accepted this and signed off, all would be well.  However, they insisted upon further explanations of my behavior and what exactly led me to cut them out of my life.  Some context - this all went down three and a half years ago.  I ended up snapping and telling them that they do not deserve any further explanation than what I have given them, I have no desire to re-hash ancient history, and their insistence upon further explanation showed they still had no respect for me.  After talking this over with my bestie, we determined that my conduct was fine and I did what I needed to do.

Monday had me struggling with residual guilt.  Should I have delved more deeply into the issues that we had back in the day?  Does forgiveness mean that I should have allowed this person back in my life?  As Christians, aren't we called to be doormats?  I'm sure you can guess what I answered myself - no, no, and HELL no.  Perhaps it's not actually residual guilt I'm struggling with.  I'm moving into uncharted territory - I don't want to repeat old patterns of behavior, which means that I'm having to choose new behaviors and hope that they become new, healthy, patterns.  This is strange to me - I'm used to leaving certain lines of communication open because doesn't everyone deserve a 2nd chance?  Really the answer to that is no.  I can forgive those who have hurt me and still not want them in my life.  The forgiveness gives me peace for the past, not having them in my life gives me peace for the future.  My aunt said she thought I was struggling with feeling selfish - and she was right.  I was raised to think of others before myself, so learning how to put my own needs first as a form of self-care is tricky... and quite strange for me.

Happy, lazy Mandi.  This kind of self-care I'm used to/ok with.

I'm noticing how my attitudes and approach to dating has also shifted.  I've gone from being (almost pathetically) happy with any attention and/or validation from any guy to attempting to invest only in those that have shown some signs of being willing to make some kind of effort for me.  I don't mean that I expect a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant or anything, but some attempt to connect on an intellectual level is nice.  I know what I don't want, but I have no practice in holding out for what I do want.  In some cases, I can identify obvious red flags and shut that down.  Specifically thinking of the guy who wanted to have babies and mentioned that I wouldn't have to work, etc.  However, other potential red flags with others have happened, and yet I still feel like perhaps they deserve a chance.  I'm having to figure out what is an automatic 'uh no,' and what is an 'are you suuuure.'  Knowing myself, I'm afraid that I'm going to cut too much slack too many times and end up in situations that I don't want to be in because I'm afraid of being too much of a 'bitch.'  I know I'm not good at canceling dates that I no longer want to go on... how can I tell when I truly need alone time and when I'm just being a coward?  WHERE IS THE MAP?!

For those who are wondering why I'm going thru this in Korea when I'm coming home in 6 months, the answer is simple.  I figure that if I'm going to start breaking patterns of behavior that are (deeply) ingrained, it's best to start now rather than later.  I want to get to the point where I'm comfortable stating my needs and communicating when something makes me uncomfortable.  The more practice I get now, the more likely I'll be to actually get into the dating world when I get home.  My 'end goal' if you will is not necessarily to get married within X number of months, but instead to be able to have a healthy relationship with the potential for marriage down the road.  I know that I would like to get married and share my life with someone, and the more I can do now to prepare myself for that eventuality, the better off I think we'll both be.  Better than stagnating, making excuses, and looking for someone to 'rescue' me.  Anyway, thank you for bearing with me thru all this rambling.  It's going to be a long road and I'm sure there are going to be quite a few bumps along the way.

I'm in a bit of a 'blah' place right now.  Like, I'm not sure if I need to be around people or if I need to be away from people.  I'm so tired... J mentioned that she could tell.  I'm stressed out, I've lashed out a couple of times, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to lay in bed and let the world rot.  However, after a comedic exchange with my friend S and a sugar high on Tuesday coupled by a great class, I am in a much better mood now.  The blahs seems to have fled.  Muah ha ha ha haaaaa.  What was the comedic exchange, you ask?  Well, I've become my mom in that I've said to S more than once 'would you like some cheese to go with your whine?'  He will say 'YES,' and then I'm left to say 'I have no cheese.'  Well, on Tuesday he whined 'I don't wanna go to work' and I just happened to have a mini babybel that I had not yet eaten with my lunch, so I grabbed it, handed it to him and went 'HERE's some cheese to go with your whine!'  He laughed, opened it, and ate it - rather defiantly - as I laughed and laughed.

The skulls are smiling, so I don't have to!  Heheheee... SCARY TEACHER!!  Also, J gave me the best compliment - "Only you could pull that off."  My aunt has good taste for me.

As for other aspects of life - teaching online continues as it ever has.  There has been no adverse effects from any of the typhoons where I live.  The weather is cooling down, even as Corona is still heated up.  The social distancing measures are still in place, and while I miss going out to eat, drink, and be merry, I am enjoying being a lazy bum in my apt.  I still have no patience for unsolicited advice, and I am ready to come home.  I can almost taste the Anamias... sigh.

Hiking in Dongtan

 The rest of my week went just fine.  We are confirmed that we'll be online all next week as well, so I guess I'll try to learn the student's names when I have to re-name them.  LOL.

I have still been having fun with outfits.  This dress is one that I brought with me, but I think it looks WAY better now than it did before.  I figured out that it looks professional with leggings, without leggings it looks like I'm not buying my own drinks at the bar ;) 

My Friday night was off the chain, as you can see.  My snack-dinner consisted of a salad, celery with buffalo chicken dip on them, and bbq tuna with smoked gouda on crackers.  Also white wine and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  It was a good, lazy night.

My aunt sent me a package with a couple of shirts - this one I love and it kinda reminds me of a Hawaiian shirt in that it's lightweight and comfy.

This one will look really good with a tank top underneath it.  The reason I'm holding it closed is because I was just wearing a half-shirt and otherwise you could see my tum tum.  Which wasn't a problem until I sent that pic to my friend Ana who circled my belly button and asked "what is that?"  I probably DONT have a weird belly button, but now is not the time for me to ask about it.  LOL

So Saturday was all geared up to be lazy.  I washed my towels and then realized that I needed more laundry soap, so I went to OK Mart to get some.  I ended up getting a few groceries as well and cleaning tabs to put in my toilet tank.  I came home, started my 2nd load of laundry, cleaned the toilet and put the new tab in the tank, and started kinda listening to a show while waiting for my laundry to get done.  I had just finished hanging my laundry to dry and gathering my bedding to take to the laundromat when H texted me.  He asked if I would be willing to go for a hike somewhere nearby.  I figured what the heck, it's a nice day and we have fun.  I suggested that we go hike around Dongtan hill, which I've kept meaning to do and then... not.  He said that sounded good, so I directed him there once he picked me up, we found parking and went on the trails.

The bugs were surprisingly not too terrible, but this looked like Mosquito Breeding Central to me.  It was pretty humid considering how much rain we've been getting lately, but the mud situation wasn't terrible.

It was super cute in areas, like this bridge.

It was kinda nice to walk thru 'nature' for a while. 

H's conversational topics were as varied as before, though he did try to convince me to watch 'Tiger King' on Netflix.

I like this pic a lot - look at the moss on those trees.

We found a little lookout area and I saw parts of Dongtan I've never seen before.

It was fun.

A lending library in the most unlikely of places!

So when we came down from the hill, H admitted that he had no idea where he had parked.  I looked at a map and told him where I thought he parked, and that I thought we should go right.  He said he thought he knew and we should go left.  I allowed him to lead and we found a charming little road with some shops and cafes.  We walked a little ways and then he checked his GPS.  After a min or 2, he looked at me and said yes, we needed to go right.  Apparently I've impressed him with my directional capabilities because he told me that I should be in the Army (no clue the correlation).  I told him my secret - in Dongtan, find Metapolis.  Once I know where that is, it's easy to figure out where I am and how I need to get to where I need to be.  

I have decided that we've figured out our dynamic.  We go on adventures, he gets us lost and I get us back.

We ended up walking next to the street, and I thought this was a fun pic as well.  The park is on the right, where you can almost forget that all the stuff on the left exists.  

The most disapproving bird statue I've ever seen.  I swear the one on the end was like 'I'd peck your eyes out if I could.'

It may be man-made, but I have to give the planners of Dongtan credit where it's due - they did try to make it seem like nature isn't that far away.

So once we got back to the car, H decided we needed to go back to the little road that we found and have coffee at a cafe.  After a slight detour that took us all around the park, into Dongtan 2, and through some construction, we found the street and this little cafe.  It was super cute, and the bathroom was adorable (tho I didn't take any pix of that).

The view we chose as we had our coffee - that's more of the park.  It felt almost European with the park on one side and all the cafes and stuff on the other.

Cutest little succulent planter EVER.

My praline latte.  The stirring stick purported to be 100% gold.  H suggested I keep it, I thought that would not go over well.  We had our coffees in the cafe, which almost seemed like we were breaking the social distancing rules until I remembered that it's only chain coffee shops that HAVE to be take-out only.  Smaller, independent ones can still have people stay in.  Besides H and I, the only other people were the 2 working there.  It was nice.

H and I talked for an hour or so, and the only weird part of the convo was when he said he's really not happy and he can't figure out why.  I told him that only he could figure that out and I suggested he take some time to think about it.  He said he had, and nothing had come to mind.  I said until he knew what it was that was keeping him from being happy, he wouldn't know what to change.  He mentioned thinking that finding someone to share his life with might make him happy.  I tried to tell him that happiness comes from within and no person would be able to make him happy.  I'm not sure if anything stuck.  My social meter was getting low, so I suggested he take me home so that I could get my bedding washed and re-charge.  He did, and I went to the laundromat and read my book while waiting for my stuff to get done.

I was invited to meet up with some people for drinks but declined.  Call it being tired from the hike or from the convo, but I was people-d out.  As it turns out, when I'm trying to talk and someone starts talking over me or just constantly interrupts... after a week of dealing with kids who talk over me and interrupt... I get truly EXHAUSTED.  I like conversations when each person gets to talk in turn, you know?  Perhaps it's not a rudeness thing, maybe he's just starved for convo - he could be an extrovert who has to be alone a lot due to corona and he just NEEDS to talk.  Either way, I couldn't bring myself to go out for drinks tonight.  Also, I probably smell from the hike - it was humid and I definitely was sweating.  The weather has been nice enough that I've had my windows open all day - here's for clothes drying quickly.  Hehe.

Anyway, we shall see what other adventures H and I go on.  We laughed a bit about how every time we hang out there is no sun.  He said that he expects after the next typhoon, that will scare all the clouds away and we'll get to hang out when there is sun.  We'll see.  We talked about going to Seroaksan together, but I'm not sure if that's going to work out or not.  It would make more sense to do that as an overnight trip and I don't think we're quite there yet.  

Much love to you, stay tuned for more shenanigans as I enjoy my last few months in Korea!  :*