If you have been a reader of this blog for any period of time, you are well aware that I am my own worst enemy and my harshest critic. That being said, I realized tonight as I was laying in bed, post-shower, listening to the start of the rain storm, that I need to forgive myself for accepting less than I deserved back when I did not love myself. I am trying to hold myself now accountable for what I was then and that's just not plausible. I made some kind of crack regarding my past vs current forays into dating while talking to my sister this morning and she said something about 'it's not that you weren't looking, it's that you were actively avoiding.' She's right of course - the ease with which I avoided it notwithstanding. I have thought that perhaps taking 8 years off of dating wasn't the best of ideas, but frankly it WAS. I was hurting and I was broken, I needed to heal and put myself back together. If I had not, I think I would have spread the hurt to others who really didn't deserve it. So many people in the dating world seem to have the mentality of "this one person hurt me, so I'm going to go out and hurt others of the same gender in retaliation." Even I used to think that way, no wonder there are so many hurt people out there.
Warning: dating post coming up - there is a mention of... s e x. LOL
The thing that I'm realizing in my sleep-deprived state, is that I once had the mentality that beggars can't be choosers, so I was pathetically happy with any attention from any male. Now I'm willing to hold out for more. Whether that means setting boundaries with people whom I have established relationships with or setting boundaries for potential suitors. What I'm currently struggling with is getting the potential suitors to be honest about their plans and intentions. Frankly most of them are well aware of the lines that they can use to make it seem like they aren't going to try for more than I'm comfortable with, but in most cases there is an underlying assumption that the end goal will in fact be reached. Not to quote Ryan Reynolds in Waiting but he had a point: "Either I don't get to sleep with her, which means I never have to call her again; or I do get to sleep with her, which means I never have to call her again." I wanted so bad to believe that line to be an oversimplification of a complex dating attitude but no, it's common among guys who are generally referred to as 'dogs.' I know that being overseas makes certain things more difficult as well, and really I am grateful for the opportunity to try to get comfortable with this stuff in a place where the chances of me running into any of these guys again is slim to none. I'm still a fan of the never-running-into-an-ex-at-the-grocery-store kind of life.
It is becoming funny to me just what guys will say when they don't get their way or when they are trying to maneuver me into inviting them to my apt. "I can't believe you haven't invited me over yet." "You're missing out." "Let's watch a movie, I promise we'll only cuddle." I really don't mind the ones who just stop messaging after a while, because I've done that too. If I'm into someone, I'll check on them after a couple of days. If not, well, we both just fade into the background.
I realized last night that what I really want from a guy is to feel respected, heard, and wanted. Really the standard is set pretty low - treat me like a human being, not some sex doll. Why is that so hard to find?! The thing I have to remember is that how someone wants to treat me is one thing, how I allow them to treat me is another. I'm finding my voice and the courage to say "this is not ok, and I'm not going to put up with it." It's an incredible feeling to allow myself to be honest about what I want as well as what I don't want. I want intelligent conversation, to be able to meet for coffee or perhaps a meal, to see if there is any connection or not, and then decide whether to move forward. I don't want any one night stands, and if the convo only lasts for a couple dates, then let's shake hands and move on. I'm also getting better at saying "No, I can't handle meeting anyone right now, I don't want to be around people, maybe another time." How a guy handles that tells me LOADS more about who he is and what his intentions are than anything else I can do. So my intention is to continue to date, be clear about what I want and what is acceptable to me, and hopefully come back home more confident in my ability to communicate with the opposite sex. It is also nice to be able to say "I know what I want." The uncertainty of before was hard, and I know now it's because I hadn't fully healed. Which isn't to say that I'm 100% healed of all my hurt now, but I will say that it's not as prevalent as it once had been.
End of dating portion: wasn't that bad, right?!
Now for something completely different: turns out K wanted more recommendations on metal bands for his workouts and so I'm easing him into the metal rabbit hole. The new girl at work, A, also likes some harder music, so YAY for having fellow metal heads around. She was so cute when she was trying to tell me what genres and bands she likes, saying 'you'll probably make fun of me, but...' Hon, I remember those days, and true, some metal heads think that THEIR genre is the only REAL genre and will be jerks if you mention Slipknot, but not this metalhead. Listen to what makes your heart and soul happy and body slam anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it. That's my philosophy, anyway. So yay for spreading the love of metal around the people I work with.
As for the fasting update - I'm just plugging away (as my dad would say). I think once I've hit the 100 lbs lost mark (that's 45 kg for those who need the conversion), I'll happily move to the maintenance of OMAD (one meal a day). I don't know when that will be, but it's only about 12 lbs away. I can handle that. I am looking good and feeling good and that's what matters. For those who are concerned, I still have my curves - the only thing is that my butt isn't as comfortable to sit on anymore. Sigh... there's a BONE in there that I can FEEL... what the heck?!
Anyway, just wanted to share some thoughts, some frustrations, and some fun. The social distancing measures have been scaled back to just a 2, so we're at the "wear a mask, don't go out a lot, wash your hands, don't be a jerk" stage again. Bars can be open past 9 and coffee places can be dine-in again. Everyone seems tired of the covid crap, much the same as on the other side of the world. I am still counting down to coming home - missing everyone so much! :* MUAH! I send you a kiss, tons of love, and massive hugs from Korea.
No comments:
Post a Comment