Feeling Better

 One of the things that I’ve been doing since I moved was tracking my spending.  Not all of it – I can’t tell you what I’m spending on groceries, for example, but the big stuff.  Monthly bills, tolls, and gas, mostly.  What I’ve learned is that I can save $120 a month by only using the toll road on the way to work and working only 4 days a week.  The difference in gas is negligible (only 5 miles longer with this route), it’s only about 15 mins longer (due to traffic lights) and if people piss me off on the way home, it’s NBD.  I’ll continue to use it on the way to work because I don’t want to start my workday all pissed off at other drivers.  Yay for more $ going into the gas tank (sigh).

This weekend was lovely because it was the first weekend that I had nothing to do on my Friday off.  I didn’t have to get up and do laundry, go shopping, or get my driver’s license.  I was able to lay in bed until 1030 in the morning!  It was amazing.  Then A came to visit, and we had a lovely evening of chatting and eating pizza.  The next day we got up and went to Scarborough, which is always a good time, and we decided that next year we’ll be able to buy stuff (this year we stuck to food and drink only).  It was nice to see some new shops and visit some old ones, too.  On Sunday I got up and went to Mass, then came home and we went to get coffee before she headed home.  After she left, I made my pasta salad for the week (crossing my fingers that it’s even better after chilling for a day), and watched some Netflix. 

We took the back roads and ended up driving down this magical stretch of highway.  So nice and green.

I want... not necessarily those ones, but I want.

This made me laugh... they did get me in the door when they said they had skulls and bones.  Of course, when I went in the booty meter went even higher. LOL

I want the shark

Or the angler fish

SCOTTISH EGG GOODNESS!!!

Enjoying our breakfast

And a beverage

This was a new shop and OMG I was tempted

We hung out around the sculptures for a while.

I’m feeling pretty good about things right now.  I’ve almost got my spending figured out and under control, I don’t really need much for my apartment (minus a dining room table, A is gonna let me borrow her vacuum, but that’s low priority at the moment), and the weather has been gloriously cooler the last 2 days.  I am actually having fun dating, which is new… if anyone I’ve been out with is crazy, they are doing a good job hiding it so far.  

This weekend T is coming into town for BFD.  I have food all figured out and we are planning a Critters marathon before the concert on Sunday.  I did just realize that I have to go to the laundromat to wash my towels since I'm down to just mine at the moment... and he's bringing an electric drill so we can finish the curtain rods.  The following week, I get to stay at my boss’s house to take care of her dogs while she’s out of town!  Even more savings on tolls and gas for June!!  Woot woot!  Hehe.

Now: random picture dump - 

Pickle beer from HopFusion

My new foot rest, courtesy of A

What will be a picture display when I bring more pix in

My monitors needed stands, now I can see without hunching over!

Life is good, I got this... I got this.

Settling In

 Monday's thoughts: 

Well, it’s official.  As of Friday, the 13^th, I am a registered Texan again.  The lady at the Dept of Public Safety assured me that the pic was better than the one I had last year – which is true, I’ve seen it.  I shall no longer look like I have jaundice.  The pic can’t be perfect, however, there is a bit of a double chin going on.  Sigh.  I’m waiting for my actual license to come in the mail.  That’s the last thing on the ‘Moving to TX’ list that I had to get done.  It’s kind of a weight off the shoulders since it seemed like there were SO MANY things to get done in the last 2 months.  The car registration and driver’s license also had time limits on them (car is within 30 days, license is within 90).  I won’t have to worry about the car for another year, the license for another 8 or when I move.  Either way, I don’t have to worry about extra fines or anything if I get pulled over.

I’m feeling pretty good about things at the moment.  There are still some things that I’m worried about – mostly financial – but that’s just going to take time.  It’s amazing to me how much just having lamps in my living room has improved my attitude toward my apartment.  It’s nice to have a cozy lamp on when watching TV instead of having to have either the kitchen or the dining room light on.  Also having my sharkie for cuddles.  All the coziness!!

I went to HopFusion brewery again this weekend, which was fun but I must share something with all of you.  Sit down… take a deep breath… ok… pickle beer is surprisingly good.  I know, I know, it shocked me, too.  They dress the glass with a salty/spicy rim and serve it with a chunk of pickle and… it’s GOOD.  Now, full disclosure, I think that was my 4^th beer that night, but STILL!  It was yummy.  Also, I hate when I sleep wrong – my stupid neck was killing me all weekend.  Why can’t we rent pillows before we commit to them??  It’s like “Here’s one of the most important purchases you will make, it will contribute to your wellbeing, and you will use it for 5-8 hour every night.  Squish away in the store, but don’t take it out of the plastic.  Take it home and cross your fingers it works.  May the odds be in your favor.”  Sigh.  The good news is that I haven’t gotten new pillows and my neck seems better, so maybe it was just a bad night.  Been thinking about one of those pillow cube things… we’ll see.

Anyway, I seem to be settling in ok.  I’m learning more about Fort Worth – what the city has to offer, how to get from point A to point B, what areas I like, etc.  I do still prefer to do my grocery shopping at Kroger in Granbury, but I did find one closer to my home.  Just the Gbury one is bigger, more selection.  There is a Tom Thumb near my apt, but I seem to recall those can be more expensive.  Ah well, I’ll get into a groove eventually.  Now I’m wanting something different than my salad-in-a-bag kits I’ve been getting.  Thinking this week’s lunches will be pasta salad.  Also, when I swing thru Gbury on the way home, I’m saving $ by not taking Chisholm Trail. 

A few funny things that I wanted to share with you.  My friend T at work has decided that she is living her dating life vicariously through me, so she asks who I'm going out with, when, where we are going, and then requires a post-date evaluation.  It's cracking me up, not gonna lie.  One of my faves was after a date that didn't really go well her advice was 'cut 'im off, there's plenty more that'll be a better fit!'  She lost her hubby about 8 years ago and has not interest in dating for herself, but she LOVES hearing about my misadventures.  Based on the feedback I've gotten from various matches, I have great eyes and a great smile.  Which made me think about our perceptions of ourselves because all my life I've hated the fact that I don't have the same blue eyes as the S side of the family, or my mom's red hair.  Something that I've always been envious of turns out to be one of my best features (probably behind my butt and hair, but still in the top 3!).  Just made me think about how the things that we don't like about ourselves can in fact be someone else's favorite thing about us.  Obviously not only in appearance, but maybe in our personalities, too.  It's a nice thought that gives me hope.  

Also, if you have a Panera Bread in your town and you feel like spending some $ on a meal, get their summer salad - it's sooo good.  Apparently I still have an account with Panera and the email addy is tied to my Honda email account.  Talk about being a day or 2!  For some reason, they can't update it at the store, so all my emails are going to a lonely, deactivated account.  Ah well.

This weekend Ana is coming over and we are going to go to Scarborough faire!  The good news is that it’s supposed to only be 80 on Saturday, which would be AMAZING because we’re supposed to be hitting the 100’s this week.  ALSO!  OMG!  The windshield reflector thingie in my car is the one that I got at GRMC YEARS ago!  I totally forgot about it!  That was a fun thing to find – they still use things I created when I was here before, and I still have stuff from then, too.  I don’t think there is any bad news, tho I kinda have to giggle at myself… I’ve been doing the OMAD thing, which generally means that I forget some people eat meals multiple times a day.  I’m trying to get better at saying “You’ll have to tell me when you’re hungry and we’ll get you something cuz I’m not gonna think about it on my own.”  So not to steal from Dad, but I’m just pluggin’ away.  As always, things get better with time and adjustment.  

Tuesday's Thoughts: 

It's funny, I decide to do something like treat myself to a salad and then I'm kicking myself for the rest of the week for spending money.  Sigh... really I'm in no danger of starving to death, but the grocery shopping yesterday was a bit of an eye opener.  There's got to be a better way... I wonder how expensive it would be to start a garden on my balcony... some parts of it do actually get sunlight, after all.  They are also doing a fundraiser 50/50 drawing at work.  For $5 I could have a chance to win $500... but if I don't win the $500 then I'm going to kick myself for spending the $5.  GAAAAAH!  Darn you, gambling logic!  Sigh... I hate that inflation is a thing and gas prices are crazy and food costs have gone up and I had the audacity to MOVE during this time of inflation and I chose where to live based on potential for a social life and not based on where I actually work.  Five years ago, I would probably be fine but now... shit... I'm tempted to ask for a raise already! Or get another job on Friday and Saturday.  I could try my hand at serving drinks at HopFusion.  I wonder if they're hiring... sigh.  Six months... it takes 6 months... we're almost done with month 2... I got this.  If I can keep working 4 day weeks that'll save me on gas and tolls.

I also went to a retro game/record/horror store and found the following: I guess I know what I'm getting Mo for her birthday!

Thanks for sticking thru the rambling.  Really, I will be ok.  I WILL!

Making a home

I succeeded in my goal for the weekend – the curtains are up.  It took some work, and MAN I wished I had an electric drill (my arms still hurt) but the curtains are up.  They make my room nice and dark at night – no more orange light coming in my window.  I also have one panel up in the living room to help cut out the glare on the TV screen.  I was able to find 2 lamps – one for over by the couch, and one for next to the TV.  I learned that the outlet for the one by the TV is wonky in that the lamp can’t be plugged in all the way for it to work, so that was fun to learn.  I also found out that the light switch next to the door controls that outlet.  I still don’t know what the 2^nd switch is supposed to be for, tho I suspect it’s for the light over the desk that doesn’t work.

I’m trying not to be annoyed at all the little things around my apartment that don’t work or are simply not there.  I need to be grateful that I have a roof over my head.  However, there’s a part of me that’s going “I pay X amount in rent and I don’t have closet doors?  I don’t have the middle part of a friggin’ toilet paper holder?  They didn’t clean the place before I moved in?  What the heck, man!?”  I don’t know if I’m being overly entitled or if it’s just been a LONG time since I lived in an apartment complex or if it’s just the stress of everything coming out in an unexpected way.  I’m tempted to call it the stress – it’s been a crazy few months for the past few years, right??  I went to J&D’s a couple weekends ago and when I got home I felt stressed (not happy to be home, but more of a ‘ugh, I’m back’ kind of feeling).  What’s causing the stress?  Part of it has to be things I can’t fix (closet door, etc), but what’s the other part of it?  Just not sure how bills will turn out?  Feeling weird in a new environment?  Getting the lamps this weekend helped because now at least I have light in my living room at night.  It helps the room feel more cozy and comfortable.  I also cleaned and straightened up the corner with my bookshelf in it.  It’s going to be a while before I have all my books from WY, but at least the area can be organized.  I’ve started putting my stuffies around the place – greebo and cuthulu are protecting the living room now – to try and help make the space ‘mine.’  I was a bit disappointed when I first walked into my apartment, maybe that feeling just hasn’t gone away. 

Cozy

Maybe part of it is the fact that I’m starting over again at 37… I feel stupid for not just putting stuff in storage when I went to Korea… tho I didn’t expect to come back to TX.  Maybe I’m annoyed that I did end up back in TX and not working for the State Dept already.  I sometimes feel like the only thing I’m qualified for is ‘educated idiot’ status because I have degrees but no skills.  I think that’s it… I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels… stuck in the mud.  I have this idea of a life that I want to lead and it keeps not happening.  I want to trust that God knows what He is doing, but I also need to make some decisions.  Should I apply for the state department again?  Should I try for think tanks?  How much of getting a job is what you know and how much is who you know (I think I know the answer to that one, and it means I’m screwed)?  WHY DOES THE WORLD HAVE TO BE THIS WAY/SUCK SO BAD?!  I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I probably will never be able to retire – I’ve always thought that wouldn’t be possible, but it was never REAL before the way it is now.  Being in Korea and dealing with their pension system made me realize how truly up a creek I’m going to be when I’m in my 60’s.  Then again, we seem to be living through a damn apocalypse, so what’s the point of planning for the future?  There’s a part of me that wants to say, “screw it” and live in a tent on a beach.  Why is living so expensive?  What’s the point of society?  

I’m struggling.  I’m really, really struggling with accepting how things are because I want to fight against all the crap going on.  I’ve had this problem my whole life – why do we have to accept the way of the world when the way of the world is shit? 

Case in point- overturning Roe v Wade.  On the surface it’s a great idea – protect the unborn, absolutely.  However, our society is not in the place we need to be to responsibly overturn Roe v Wade.  As our society is now, overturning Roe v Wade is just going to make abortions illegal, resulting in unsafe, back-alley abortions that end up killing both the child and the mother.  It’s a balm that doesn’t address the underlying causes of the festering sore of abortion.  To overturn Roe v Wade responsibly, we must create a society that would make abortion unthinkable.  That requires holding potential fathers and mothers equally responsible for potential babies, better healthcare options regarding birth control, pregnancy, childbirth, post-partum, and early childhood, better social programs for unintended pregnancies and families, etc.  Protecting the unborn requires so much more than just making abortion illegal but lawmakers politicize it without considering all aspects of why abortion exists in the first place.  All these ideas facing a society that refuses to wear a face mask… smh.  It’s enough to make me want to scream into the void at the uselessness of it all.  My inner nihilist is trying really hard to come out and play.

Hmmmmm… nihilism vs Christianity – hopelessness vs hopefulness… yep, that’s my main conflict.  There is no point vs everything has a point.  Life is terrible and there is no purpose vs live is terrible and there is a purpose.  Yep… I’m a big ball of stressed out barbed wire and I don’t know how to untangle myself.  As with so many things, it’s probably just going to take time.  I’m wandering thru the dark now, but the sun always rises.  I think I need to spend some time in Adoration… I know my prayer life isn’t the greatest at the moment, and I suspect fear is keeping me from turning to the One that I need to be turning toward.  I guess crawling into a hole to scream and cry isn’t an option, and there’s no convenient void to scream into… adoration offers the peace that I’m so longing for… I’m just scared.  But of what?  Of love.  Shit.  That’s a kick in the shorts, isn’t it?

I had to think about this for a min.  I've come to a conclusion - I'm trying to date, right?  Well, what if I made a 'date night' with Jesus?  Cheesy, I know, but how else am I going to work through this whole 'God is Love' thing?  Obviously not thinking about it or expecting it to resolve itself isn't working.  Neither is just going to Mass on Sundays.  If I know I need to work on something, I have to set time aside for it, so that's what I'm going to do.  Honestly, I feel better just having a plan... I mean, we all know that Christianity is going to win out over nihilism for me... I'm afraid this post just became a roundabout way of getting there as I was writing it.

I'm still trying to process everything that's happened/is happening in my life and the world right now... no wonder I'm a ball of stress-wire.

Coming Back

 Generally, I’ve viewed old jobs the same way that I’ve viewed old boyfriends.  There’s a reason we broke up, and I’m not going back.  I rarely ever considered going back to somewhere that I had quit… so why GRMC?

Looking back at the truly toxic workplaces that I’ve experienced, GRMC has always been different.  Yes, there are those around here who think that I’m weird – but my weirdness is accepted as a part of who I am and left at that.  The attitude is not “This is how she is, we need to change her” it’s “This is how she is, and we accept that.”  My old boss likes to say, “You are Mandi and you are YOU and no one else is you.”  I like that.  She usually says this with a smirk… the kind of smirk you get when dealing with a cheeky student.  Being accepted for who I am has been a rather rare occurrence in my life, so it would make sense that I’d go back to a job where I felt accepted.  Also, my work ethic and the quality of my work has always been appreciated here.  When my now boss was told that I’d be interested in coming back she exclaimed “I could have Mandi?!”  If one lives by the adage “go where you are wanted” then of course I would come back here.  There are also things that I really enjoy doing (like making signs and cheat sheets and such) that come in handy at a hospital.

If it’s so great, why did I leave in the first place, right?  Well, the job that I have now is the job that I thought I’d be rather good in before, but it was never available before.  Also, my job before was partly in Medical Records, which brought me into more contact with the public.  Explaining HIPAA to someone who swears she/he is the one who deals with her/his husband/wife’s business and it’s insane that we need the spouse’s permission hand over their medical records got really annoying after the first 2 convos, and no better after the umpteenth.  Also, there was a clash of personalities between me and some of my co-workers in other departments that lead me to believe that there would be no opportunity for me to advance if I had stayed.  There’s only so often you can come up against “but we’ve always done it this way” before you want to rip your own hair out.  There’s still some of that (because people are notoriously resistant to change), but my bosses are wanting to make some changes and I think they have the support to do that now.

There are things about Texas that I don’t like (blasphemy, I know).  I forgot about how bad the tailgating is, and how selfish the other drivers are.  I wanted to get a rather risqué bumper sticker, but I think I’ve changed my mind.  I saw one that said, “Do you follow Jesus this close?” and I think I like that better.  Especially since the other one may have led to unwanted advances.  That being said, I know what festivals I like to go to, I know what concerts come back and what to look for, I know my way around the state, some of my favorite humans are here… in many ways, TX is home.  No place is perfect, Lord knows, but some places are more suitable for me than others. 

My greatest struggle at the moment is just having the time to make my apartment more home-y.  I’m hoping to fix that this month.  Each weekend, I’ll have one goal.  This weekend’s is hanging the curtains that J&D gave me.  I’ve measured the windows, so I know the length of the curtain rod I need.  I have a screwdriver (well, a leatherman) and a hammer – tho I will need a stool or a chair to stand on as I’m not quite tall enough to hang them properly myself.  They are blackout curtains, so that should help keep my heating and cooling costs down.