I succeeded in my goal for the weekend – the curtains are up. It took some work, and MAN I wished I had an electric drill (my arms still hurt) but the curtains are up. They make my room nice and dark at night – no more orange light coming in my window. I also have one panel up in the living room to help cut out the glare on the TV screen. I was able to find 2 lamps – one for over by the couch, and one for next to the TV. I learned that the outlet for the one by the TV is wonky in that the lamp can’t be plugged in all the way for it to work, so that was fun to learn. I also found out that the light switch next to the door controls that outlet. I still don’t know what the 2nd switch is supposed to be for, tho I suspect it’s for the light over the desk that doesn’t work.
I’m trying not to be annoyed at all the little things around my apartment that don’t work or are simply not there. I need to be grateful that I have a roof over my head. However, there’s a part of me that’s going “I pay X amount in rent and I don’t have closet doors? I don’t have the middle part of a friggin’ toilet paper holder? They didn’t clean the place before I moved in? What the heck, man!?” I don’t know if I’m being overly entitled or if it’s just been a LONG time since I lived in an apartment complex or if it’s just the stress of everything coming out in an unexpected way. I’m tempted to call it the stress – it’s been a crazy few months for the past few years, right?? I went to J&D’s a couple weekends ago and when I got home I felt stressed (not happy to be home, but more of a ‘ugh, I’m back’ kind of feeling). What’s causing the stress? Part of it has to be things I can’t fix (closet door, etc), but what’s the other part of it? Just not sure how bills will turn out? Feeling weird in a new environment? Getting the lamps this weekend helped because now at least I have light in my living room at night. It helps the room feel more cozy and comfortable. I also cleaned and straightened up the corner with my bookshelf in it. It’s going to be a while before I have all my books from WY, but at least the area can be organized. I’ve started putting my stuffies around the place – greebo and cuthulu are protecting the living room now – to try and help make the space ‘mine.’ I was a bit disappointed when I first walked into my apartment, maybe that feeling just hasn’t gone away.
Maybe part of it is the fact that I’m starting over again at
37… I feel stupid for not just putting stuff in storage when I went to Korea…
tho I didn’t expect to come back to TX.
Maybe I’m annoyed that I did end up back in TX and not working for the
State Dept already. I sometimes feel
like the only thing I’m qualified for is ‘educated idiot’ status because I have
degrees but no skills. I think that’s it…
I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels… stuck in the mud. I have this idea of a life that I want to
lead and it keeps not happening. I want
to trust that God knows what He is doing, but I also need to make some
decisions. Should I apply for the state department
again? Should I try for think
tanks? How much of getting a job is what
you know and how much is who you know (I think I know the answer to that one,
and it means I’m screwed)? WHY DOES THE WORLD
HAVE TO BE THIS WAY/SUCK SO BAD?! I’m
overwhelmed by the fact that I probably will never be able to retire – I’ve
always thought that wouldn’t be possible, but it was never REAL before the way
it is now. Being in Korea and dealing
with their pension system made me realize how truly up a creek I’m going to be
when I’m in my 60’s. Then again, we seem
to be living through a damn apocalypse, so what’s the point of planning for the
future? There’s a part of me that wants
to say, “screw it” and live in a tent on a beach. Why is living so expensive? What’s the point of society?
I’m struggling. I’m
really, really struggling with accepting how things are because I want to fight
against all the crap going on. I’ve had
this problem my whole life – why do we have to accept the way of the world when
the way of the world is shit?
Case in point- overturning Roe v Wade. On the surface it’s a great idea – protect the
unborn, absolutely. However, our society
is not in the place we need to be to responsibly overturn Roe v Wade. As our society is now, overturning Roe v Wade
is just going to make abortions illegal, resulting in unsafe, back-alley
abortions that end up killing both the child and the mother. It’s a balm that doesn’t address the underlying
causes of the festering sore of abortion.
To overturn Roe v Wade responsibly, we must create a society that would
make abortion unthinkable. That requires
holding potential fathers and mothers equally responsible for potential babies,
better healthcare options regarding birth control, pregnancy, childbirth, post-partum,
and early childhood, better social programs for unintended pregnancies and
families, etc. Protecting the unborn
requires so much more than just making abortion illegal but lawmakers politicize
it without considering all aspects of why abortion exists in the first place. All these ideas facing a society that refuses
to wear a face mask… smh. It’s enough to
make me want to scream into the void at the uselessness of it all. My inner nihilist is trying really hard to
come out and play.
Hmmmmm… nihilism vs Christianity – hopelessness vs
hopefulness… yep, that’s my main conflict.
There is no point vs everything has a point. Life is terrible and there is no purpose vs
live is terrible and there is a purpose.
Yep… I’m a big ball of stressed out barbed wire and I don’t know how to
untangle myself. As with so many things,
it’s probably just going to take time. I’m
wandering thru the dark now, but the sun always rises. I think I need to spend some time in
Adoration… I know my prayer life isn’t the greatest at the moment, and I suspect
fear is keeping me from turning to the One that I need to be turning toward. I guess crawling into a hole to scream and cry
isn’t an option, and there’s no convenient void to scream into… adoration offers
the peace that I’m so longing for… I’m just scared. But of what?
Of love. Shit. That’s a kick in the shorts, isn’t it?
I had to think about this for a min. I've come to a conclusion - I'm trying to date, right? Well, what if I made a 'date night' with Jesus? Cheesy, I know, but how else am I going to work through this whole 'God is Love' thing? Obviously not thinking about it or expecting it to resolve itself isn't working. Neither is just going to Mass on Sundays. If I know I need to work on something, I have to set time aside for it, so that's what I'm going to do. Honestly, I feel better just having a plan... I mean, we all know that Christianity is going to win out over nihilism for me... I'm afraid this post just became a roundabout way of getting there as I was writing it.
I'm still trying to process everything that's happened/is happening in my life and the world right now... no wonder I'm a ball of stress-wire.
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