I got them Zoom Blues

 Please allow me to share my exhaustion - my down-in-the-bone weariness - that I am attempting to contend with.  For it's been a long year of uncertainty, disruption of day-to-day life, attempting to see the good, and holding on to what we can.  I have reached the point where I am totally, completely, and 100% burned out from Zoom.  It's the newest thing about 2020 apparently - Zoom fatigue.  I read an article on the BBC about it, and I was talking to one of my other teacher friends, K, about it.  Here's the exchange: Me:... I'm sooo done with this crap... sigh.  K: so am I and so are my kids xD they are fed up with it.  One of them said "Teacher, seriously... I hate Zoom.  Just... UGH!"  I don't know how to explain the way that being online in classes for 5 hours just sucks away all of your energy.  

"Don't die, ok?" - C, my co-teacher.  Apparently on Wednesday after classes I looked how I felt.  S came in and asked "What's wrong?" thinking that there had been an incident to make me sad.  Kinda, the computer I was using had frozen, so I had to leave my virtual classroom and then come back, this causes issues with the chat function so the kids were unable to just send me the answers to their quiz.  I tried explaining that they just needed to close out the chat box and re-open it, but they didn't understand.  So 2 of my kids tried to explain in Korean, and they still didn't understand.  One kid went "It's frustrating when I try to explain, but no one understands."  I responded with "Welcome to being a teacher." Then my sassy student pipes up with "That doesn't seem like a good welcome."  Don't get me wrong, I love that class.  They are smart, sassy, and they seem to understand that Teacher can be a little sarcastic.  They even let me be human and make mistakes and get stressed out.  It's a good class.  It was just another hiccup in a week full of hiccups and helped to give me a headache.  I will never understand why "Show me your hands when you are ready to move on." is a concept that some kids just DON'T get.  They always want to say "finish" thinking I know which of the little faces on the screen said that... sigh.

That being said, I am also tired of seeing my kids playing with their cameras, obviously watching something else while in class, not paying attention, having to be called on multiple times, getting help from someone off camera (yes, I can hear you whispering, Mom), refusing to say anything (ever), and not sending in their work.  For all that I'm not a real teacher, I am enough of a professional to want my students to succeed and the level of indifference that you get from being online is STAGGERING.  At least in class you can make sure they get their work done, bribe them to turn in their writing, make things a little more interesting and fun, play up being a weirdo... I guess what I'm saying is when you're in class it's easier to reach a student, but when you are online it's impossible.  Some of my favorite students in class are some of my least favorites online, and vise-versa.  How is it that a student who seems like he has no clue what is going on in class suddenly is following every direction and understanding everything happening online?!  And I get that I'm a stickler for people raising their hands, but online I have to because otherwise I HAVE NO CLUE WHO IS TALKING!!!  How can I know who to help if I don't know who has a question?!  Some kids are just hard to hear, so I ask them to repeat themselves which makes them all shy so they change their answer, get it wrong, another kid gets it right, and original kid gets insulted because they were right the first time but I couldn't hear them.  Try to explain to said kid, expect angry call from Mom later... needles in the eyes, people, needles in the eyes.  Oh and losing a favorite student and being unable to say goodbye - that also sucks.

Coming in Jan, we are going to add Kinders to this Zoom-stew.  We had an orientation with them on Tues and my Korean co-teacher was with me in the class.  She told me afterwards that she could hear the students telling their moms "I can't understand what she's saying."  So yeah, that's going to be a fun hour on Tues and Thurs moving forward.  I can be honest here, I want to cry every time I think about having those poor kids staring at a computer screen hearing me talk at them and trying to figure out what I'm saying.  I may also lose my hair doing this because I KNOW I'm going to get frustrated - not at the kids, but at the situation - and I can't think of a DAMN thing to do to make it better for any of us.  In class I could be crazy teacher speaking gibberish at them when speak Korean to me - online... what the hell am I gonna do online?  So yeah, 15 classes of that until I leave.  Frankly, I'm not banking on the kids coming back from now until I leave in March... call me a pessimist if you will, but this latest surge of the 'vid has officially gotten me DOWN.

"You look beat." - J, via video call.  I am stressed.  I know that I am stressed.  There is so much happening, so much uncertainty, so much I can't control and it's overwhelming.  I'm nervous about buying my plane ticket home (J had some bad luck with cancellations and it's freaking me out), it seems like we are going to do our immersion program online, so that's another 3 hours a day looking at a computer screen, I don't feel like going much of anywhere due to the whole Covid thing, and yet I feel like a bitch for not feeling up to being more welcoming and helpful to the new people.  Saying "I am TIRED" doesn't really convey the down-in-the-bones-and-soul weariness that I'm feeling.  She understands, at least, and I know that having a countdown until I come home isn't really helping my mood/ability to soldier on.  I can get thru the next 2 months, really I can, it's just going to be a bit of a roller coaster.  I will never take in-person classes for granted again.  

Manifestations of the stress - I've become a nervous scratcher.  I have been really good at remembering to put lotion on my legs, so they are not dry and have no reason to be itchy.  However, they feel itchy and then I scratch them and I just... keep... scratching.  I'm trying to keep from doing it too much because, you know, that's how you get infections and stuff.  Knowing that it's a psychosomatic manifestation of stress doesn't really help cuz I wants the dopamine or serotonin, or whatever neurotransmitter I'm getting from the behavior.  Then there is my face.  I can't control the RBF - you know how bad I must be feeling when half my face is under my mask and yet 2 co-workers can just TELL?!  Both male, BTW, a gender that is usually quite clueless to feelings and such (I'm generalizing, I know, but in case you can't tell, this is not a PC blog).  Of course, of my co-workers, those are the 2 I have the most interactions with since J left, so there is that, I guess.  Oh, I also ended up with a beautiful fever blister on my lip, so that's why you don't get any cute selfies this time.  Damn thing was HUGE and PAINFUL - tho it's healing now.  We are officially at the scabbed and actually healing stage as opposed to the crusty and nasty healing stage.  

It's also cold.  Like, proper cold.  Like it was 12 degrees F (-11 C) on my way home last night.  S and I walked, and by the time I got in, my fingers were quite stiff.  S said his were blue (yes, we were both wearing gloves).  Perhaps taking the bus when it's this cold isn't the worst idea in the world... depending on how long I have to wait, that is.

You can't really tell, but there are flakes falling in that pic.

I don't want to end this on a zoom-weary, stressed out, cold as WY note, so let me share something good.  I've been looking back at where I was emotionally, and spiritually last year at this time - before the 'vid.  Even with everything happening, all the crap and craziness of the year, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 12 months ago.  I've done a lot of healing in the past year... a LOT of healing... and I'm so grateful that I'm not as hurt as I was.  I saw something online that said "I thought I was broken and needed fixing.  Not true!  I was hurt and needed healing, a totally different concept."  I think about that a lot.  I was hurt, and I did need healing, and I'm happy to say that the healing was finally able to start.  Once I admitted that I was hurt, that is.  I really can't lie to anyone but myself... sigh.  So for all the other crap that is happening right now, there is that bit of light.  

Thank you for letting me share all this with you.  I will be ok, I will get thru this, it's just gonna be a bit of a rocky road for a while.  Mom reminded me that I have 10 weeks... I'm going to buy my plane ticket in January, then pray that no flights get canceled.  If I have to have a layover, it'll be in the US... just get me into the country and I can take it from there!!  MUAH!  :*  Happy New Year to all, looking forward to seeing you in 2021, and remember to yell "Jumanji" at 11:59 tonight to make sure the game ends. ;)

Lazy Christmas 2020

 I had planned a nice, lazy, Christmas and that's exactly what I got!  I was being all festive at work on Wednesday, so here's that picture.  I love this shirt (from Holy Clothing) and I'm planning on buying SO MUCH MORE from the darn website.  This is a large... it's loose in the waist, but fits in the shoulders... I'm not sure if I should try a sleeved shirt in a med or not.  Either way, I'm gonna be getting a lot of stuff from them once I'm home.

So Thursday we had a secret Santa gift exchange, and I got the teacup and tea from there, then when I got home I had a bag on my door that had soap, masks, and this diffuser.  I thought it was cute how all of them match so well. 

My secret Santa gift had this page in the wrapping.  I must find this book now!  Apparently it's called Momo, and it's not available on Amazon kindle.  It looks super intriguing and kinda Terry Pratchett-esque.

My Christmas breakfast (after a 60 hour fast).

The best Grinch... fight me on that.

Finished up the last of my Baileys.  It was a nice way to start the holidays.

Chillin in PJ's, and I love my hat.  I should have bought a Santa hat YEARS ago because I'm having so much friggin' fun with this hat!!

My Christmas meal.  I had 3 different kinds of cheeses (and one more in the fridge), the ham, tuna salad, tomatoes, crackers, chips, and 2 kinds of dips.  It's kind of a tradition in my family that Christmas dinner is snacking all day.  I also had 2 bottles of wine.  Hehe.

The diffuser is quite cute - smells like black cherry.

The masks that were left on my door - there are 10 of them here.  Gotta love Christmas during Corona.

So I stayed in PJs all day and watched all my fun Christmas movies.  I had meant to call more people but it turned out that I was a bit emotional that day.  Kinda cried a couple of times during the movies.  What can I say... I'm homesick and missing my people and I've been gone too long.  It also could be partly hormonal as well, I mean, it's a thing, that's for sure.

Saturday I got up and called Dad for Christmas, then called Mom.  Calling home does help with the homesickness, but it also just really makes me realize how ready I am to come and spend some quality time with my parents.  I then spent 3.5 hours on a messenger call with D down in Busan.  It was so nice to reconnect.  Getting off the call cracked me up as well - "OK, I want to go kill things with magic now."  Hehe, gotta love Final Fantasy XII - apparently it's fun.  Saturday was another lazy day for me, though I did get my laundry done, so that was something.  The boxed wine I got from No Brand really is quite nice, so that's something as well. 

Today it's supposed to be warmer and I'm thinking it might be time for me to leave my apt.  I'm gonna go get some pizza for dinner, take out my trash, and generally be a productive member of society for a bit.  We work Mon-Wed and then have the rest of the week off.  I'll keep you updated on the work stuffs... there may be some changes to systems coming since they had us cancel our zoom accounts.  Health-wise I'm fine, and as you can see I have masks to last for a while.  S Korea has restrictions on gatherings of more than 4 people, so really I'm not only being lazy, I'm being responsible!  LOL - this really has been the rise of the introverts... separately, in our own homes.  Much love to all back home, all that I love here, and all my friends all over the world.  MUAH! :*

Compartmentalizing and weight loss

 So I hit a milestone last week.  That's right, according to the scale, I am 90 lbs lighter than I was in March 2018 when I started this process.  Hitting that milestone seems to have flipped a switch in my brain... either that, or it was the outfit I was wearing (a medium shirt, nbd).  Whatever the cause, I felt GOOD on Tuesday.  I looked in the mirror and I think I finally saw "all that weight" as being gone.  

Which leads me into my insights for the day... when you compartmentalize too much, it's hard to see the big picture.  I have been tracking my weight loss by week, year and total.  So I can tell you that the first year I lost 53.5 lbs, 2nd year was 29.6, and this year has been a slow 7 lbs (you should see my spreadsheet, my old boss would be proud).  The funny thing is, since I see my weight loss by years, it throws me off to hear someone who saw me 30 lbs ago ask "How did you lose all that weight?"  I have to go "Oh yeah... you saw me LAST year... I guess you can notice."  I do have my before and during pix, but it isn't like I look at those all the time or anything.  For the most part, I have the same clothes that I had before (certain sweaters have been with me about 10 years I think), so it's hard for me to really see the progress.  Then I took these on Tuesday...

I wanted a cute pic for Instagram... 

And I ended up feeling SO good.  

The grey shirt is one that I bought from Amazon, I thought it was fun and I got it in a medium.  Something about it just made me feel so good - the neck isn't too tight, the shirt fits well, I can wear it over my thermals with no problem... it was just a really, really nice feeling.  For the first time after I got dressed I looked in the mirror and thought "Wow... I kinda feel skinny!"  I haven't felt 'skinny' in my LIFE!  Closest I got was when I lost some weight as a kid - and I'm close now to where I was then (don't ask about the hows, I don't want to have to lie to you).  This weight loss has been a roller coaster of emotions and experimenting and healing and learning and I gotta tell you, it's been tough at times.  However, I look at myself now then I look at myself 4 years ago and I think it's all been worth it.  Yes, I still would like to lose 10 lbs because it just seems so nice to be able to say "I lost 100 lbs."  Anything more than that seems like some kind of weird dream, not gonna lie.  I figure I'll see how I feel, and how I look, and decide when it's time to go to 'maintenance.'  Though I'll probably end up doing that when I come home anyway because there is a LOT of food I'm gonna want to eat, so eating one meal a day will be the norm for a while at least.  

In the meantime, I gotta admit, I'm excited to go clothes shopping when I get back.  I get to find out what size jeans I can fit into (nothing too expensive, but something that fits will be nice), get some more shirts that fit, see my good friends to go shopping with... GET SOCKS!!!  Most of the ones I brought with me are NOT coming home, the ones that are will be the ones AL sent me.  There's a bag of clothes that is saying in Korea... including my jeans cuz you know... chub rub is real.  :D

There's not much else going on in my world, so I thought I'd just share these thoughts with you.  I'm gearing up for my lazy Christmas day (super excited), I'm not sure if I'm making good or bad choices in my dating life, so I'm going to hold off until I know for sure before sharing much (seems like a good idea), and we have Friday off this week and Thrus and Fri off next week, which is exciting!  Today my kids are going to be recording their songs that they've been practicing and I can't wait to see my Sapling 2's singing 'Jingle Bell Rock' - they are SO CUTE!!!  Much love from Korea - man what a ride this has been ;)

Shopping weekend and trying to catch festive-ness

I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit.  So I've been wearing my Hogfather hoodie and I wanted to find a Santa hat.  I was unable to find one at the Daiso close to work, but Saturday was supposed to be a shopping day, so I tried again.  

Getting festive with the Hogfather.

I did find the Santa hat on Saturday.  I'm cute and festive!!

I thought this was cute... a punching bag with my favorite sharkie on it!!

Who wants to make their dog look like Lennon??

Rumors abound that SKorea in general and Seoul specifically may be looking at a lockdown.  They just can't seem to get a hold of this current outbreak.  So, I went shopping for some essentials to see me through.  I went to a No Brand grocery store that I've seen before but never been to.

I also found the WINE!

Cardbordau for the win!!!  I also did get my coffee, some more apples, and some cookies.  I'm not sure if I'm really feeling festive, but at least I can try.  I gotta say, listening to my classes singing 'Jingle Bell Rock' on Zoom has been really cute.

It also did this again on Friday I think... might have been Thurs.  The days run together.  It's cold!

My coffee is also festive.

Saturday I was also social.  I took two of the new girls to the No Brand store, which was fun.  Then S and I went shopping in Metapolis to get Secret Santa presents.  It was ok, but MAN that guy gets on my nerves sometimes - he stole my gift bag!!!  It was super cute.  I couldn't get it if he did... we inadvertently match enough as it is, the LAST thing we need is to get the same damn things for Secret Santa!!  Ugh.  OK, complaining over.

It's been a helluva month.  Hugs to all my family and friends.  We will get thru this... my wish for all of us is that we hold on to what is important, let go of what we don't need, and that we never have to wonder how other people feel about us.  I've learned in the last few months that it's really hard when one person cares more than the other.  Sigh... here's to us, here's to love, all the times that we messed up.  MUAH! :*  Much love to all, I look forward to when we can see each other again.  May your holidays be full of love and peace.

Feelings... oh woah woah feeeeeelings

Monday: 

It was a foggy day - head fog that is.  I've been super emotional, nearly cried at least twice today.  Work without J is a dreary, dull place for me.  I wanted to go and find her for a hug so many times.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm hurting... and yes, I'll get thru this... I'm just allowing it to suck for now.  So let's re-hash the wonderfulness of Sunday.

Full disclosure - this pic was taken on Saturday outside of the Lotte department store... but I wanted to share it anyway.

This was as well... I'm not sure why the Korean department store had a story about a Finnish fairy, but there you have it.  

Sunday we woke up to this.  I got to experience J in the snow one more time - she's so cute because she thinks its so magical while I think it's just bloody cold and inconvenient and becomes slush too soon.

My pink penguin in the snow.

She's just so damn cute!

Me on the other hand... well, I was cold!  I wore this jacket cuz it's waterproof and I must say I love the hood.  Underneath this is thermals (tops and bottoms) a sweater, leggings, and my snow boots.  J learned about what kinds of boots to wear in snow - suede is no good if you want dry feet.

So we went to Mass at the International parish and found that they can now only allow 20 people to worship at Mass.  We were #20 and 21 when we first came in.  So we went to another room for a bit and then they came and told us that one person left, so we could come in to the church proper.  We were able to celebrate Mass together.  It was quite nice.  Then we wandered around a bit until we found this place.

NY brick oven pizza.  I told J I was going to eat my feelings and I did.

Gotta love the decor.  Not that I've ever been to NY, but the pizza was good.

We got fries to share and that's my sangria you are seeing in the background.  Then J got chicken pesto pasta and I got... 

Half pesto pizza and half 'godfather' pizza.  I ate half of it... the rest I brought home for (probably) Tuesday night dinner.  

I also had these - quite a nice amber ale, to be honest.  

After that we wanted to get dessert so we went to this lovely cafe which seems to capture the spirit of J and myself so very well.  Pink angry looking skulls with flowers on.  Gotta love it.  She got a hot chocolate and I got a vanilla latte.  We had to take them to go because the current rules are you can only eat in if you are DINING in - no sitting around with your coffee.

All of these finger-foods are to go only, and we decided not to attempt to eat them and walk and drink at the same time.  

I had to... it's a skull.

After lunch we came back to Dongtan and watched the Dr. Who Christmas special with the Titanic in space.  I loved it and I expect I'll be watching much more Dr. Who in my life.  We discussed how things will be for both of us in the next few weeks, and J determined that we were not going to say goodbye that day.  Nope, the gift exchange and goodbye will happen on Tuesday night.  Hence the reason I'm not sure if I'll be having dinner on Tues (no worries, I will have lunch), because I'm at the sad emotional stage where I just don't feel like eating.  My emotional support system is going remote and I don't LIKE IT!  

I also had a small chat with S today (Monday) about him keeping me in check if I try to take my emotions out on him.  Let's face it, he'd be a great punching bag and he doesn't... totally... deserve it.  He just has all the emotional intelligence of a gnat.  Nope, J is going to be part of my online emotional support system - she joins such wonderful humans as Jess, Mo, Ana, Dad, and Mom (not in any particular order, don't read into it).  

I'm really starting to wonder if there is a dark down side to my fasting.  I usually lose my appetite when I get down, and I used to think that I 'had' to eat.  I now know that's not always the case.  However, I know that I can also take things too far and that's what worries me.  I know I can go 72 hours without food - I've done it before - however, I don't know if that is the best thing for me now.  This week I can do what I need to get thru - keeping my Mon and Thurs fasts, for instance - but part of me just wants to see how long I can really go.  I know that's probably the self-destructive part of me talking... when I'm fasting, I don't drink so that particular self-destructive activity isn't possible but if I push myself the OTHER way... you see where I'm going with this.  I was already planning on changing up my fasting schedule now that I don't have Wednesday date nights to look forward to... but seeing how long I can not eat seems a little extreme to the logical side of my brain.  

I think the Covid restrictions also have me down - tried to go to the grocery store today after work and found that they were closing.  So tomorrow I either need to go to the store near home before work, go the store near work, or say screw it and wait until the weekend.  S did say I could have some of his coffee, so I'm holding him to that.  UGH - I feel like a mess.  I'm even thinking of delaying taking the FSOT because I don't feel prepared, it'll be in the middle of immersion and that stresses me out and exhausts me, and there's a testing center in Casper which may just be a better situation all together.  However, are these logical thought processes just covering up my own insecurities?  Nah, as I write that, I know that I'll take the test in Casper in June if I don't take it in Seoul in Feb.  I think I want it too much to feel like I'm half-assing it... and right now I feel like I'm half-assing everything except my friendships.  I also feel like the work bitch because I haven't really tried reaching out to the new people... but I get the feeling that since I'm leaving we all have reached the 'why bother' conclusion.

Tuesday

It's been better today.  I was able to chat with Mo this morning, and even without having coffee it was nice to catch up.  I told her about thinking of postponing the test and she said to go ahead and do what studying I can, but if I don't feel prepared, then wait until June.  I think that's going to be what I end up doing.  I find myself being resigned to life for the next 2.5 months.  It's going to be crazy with Corona and all, it'll be lonely at times, but I will survive.  Knowing that I have wonderful friends and family to come home to makes ALL the difference to me.  I may be far away, but I'm still loved and missed.  Christmas is on track to be a lazy day of Pj's, movies, snacks, and booze, which is quite frankly how I like it to be anyway.  

Some thoughts from a BBC article - "... deliberately reframing your thoughts, to put your troubles in perspective, can itself restore a sense of personal autonomy, even when the stress itself is impossible to evade... Her findings, and Anicich’s general advice, both recall the Stoic philosphy - originating in Ancient Greece - of separating what is within your power, from what is not, and then looking for ways to reinterpret the situation. Although we can’t control the world, we are able to change our reaction to it."   I'm working on this.  Easier said than done, methinks.

J and A came over tonight to say goodbye and exchange gifts.  It was one of those moments where lot wasn't said, because it didn't need to be.  She's given me a week to mope and a journal with some of our best memories in it.  I shall treasure it.  We didn't actually cry together, though it was a close thing.  I wish her all the best, and I'm sure we shall be together again... someday.  We also talked about having a zoom or WhatsApp date to watch The Holiday.  Hehe.

Wednesday

J is gone.  Good luck to her, and thank God for digital communication.  I will continue my book-by-book countdown until my contract is over and I can come home.  I'll still have a good time with my remaining days in Korea, but I'm done trying to make friends and influence people.  I'm focusing on surviving my job, my mental health, and losing those last 8-7 lbs before March.  I see longer fasts in my future now that Wednesdays are not longer date nights.  I got this... remote emotional support is better than no emotional support at all.  I'm also coming home to those who love me, so I'm a rich woman.  

Much love and hugs, here's to the last 2 and half books before I leave ;)

Before the goodbye

 As everything is tinged with sadness, here is a pictoral representation of my weekend so far... Sunday is the big goodbye... Tuesday is the small one... Wednesday is the hard goodbye.  This goodbye is so much more meaningful - I mean, every goodbye carries with it the implied 'I may never see you again' but goodbyes in a country that is not home to either of us feels even more 'I might never see you again.'  I'm trying to not think about that so much now because the Wed post will be all about it, so here's my Riddick weekend. 

Friday after classes.  I like my necklace in this pic.  This is also pre-haircut on Saturday.

I got a cute wine to pair with my leftover pizza.

Started the Riddick weekend with Pitch Black.  So much fun... not pictured is the leftover pizza, which was Papa Johns from Tuesday.

On Saturday I ventured to Seoul to get my hair cut.  This was outside of Lotte Department Store... which I did not go in, but I was waiting for a bus outside of.  

Then I was early for my appointment so I went to Coffee Nine to see what the fuss was all about.  I got an Americano there, and took some fun pix like this one of a coffee bean vending machine.  That's right - it's for the actual beans and goodies.  Their big thing is not drinking bad coffee.  After trying it, I can tell you for sure... THIS IS AWESOME COFFEE - no bitterness, I actually could taste the 'dark chocolate' and other notes of it.  For real, I can't say enough good things about this coffee... it's not quite Death Wish, but it is tasty.

After my haircut I went to try to find a comfy sweater for some retail therapy.  I found this one, which looked ok until... 

Aren't sweaters supposed to cover EVERYTHING even if you raise your arms?!  I mean, it was cute, I liked the color, but I'm not quite at the 'showing my tummy in winter' part of my life, you know?!  The other one was also cute, but not at all practical... and so full of STATIC!!!

So then I came home to take a pic of the haircut in my comfort zone and without the mask.  I didn't have lunch out in Seoul because I was slightly... trepidatious... about taking off the mask in a restaurant.  Cases here are almost over 1000 for one day, so I figured maybe not being part of the problem would be good.

So I was home and continued my Riddick fest.  I watched Dark Fury before heading to Seoul, so here is dinner and Chronicles.  Dinner was a sammich and cream bread from Paris Baguette, BBQ tuna and crackers, and honey mustard trail mix from Costco.  I enjoyed it.  After dinner and the movie I had... 

Another movie.  Hehe - so the Riddick fest was finished.  

Sunday J and I are going to Mass, then to lunch, then will exchange Christmas gifts.  We may watch a movie or something but mostly we're going to be emotional wrecks.  She is not working on Monday or Tuesday next week, so I'll see her when I see her.  She insists she's just 'popping to the shops and will be back any minute.'  I am getting some comfort out of the lies we are telling ourselves, but also getting real comfort out of the fact that I have her on FB, messenger, and WhatsApp.  She's only going to be an hour behind me for as long as I'm in Korea, and... well, you know how you can TELL someone will be in your life in whatever way they can for as long as they can?  That's us.  I think that's the mark of a 'lifetime' friend - one who won't let things like time zones, distance, or time passed get between the love that each carries for the other.  I'm blessed to have a few of those in my life, and I'm so happy to know that she feels the same way for me as I do for her.  We've been through a lot together, and we will be sure to keep in touch.  

So that was my low-key weekend.  I've decided to let my hair grow out a bit, so that's why it doesn't look as dramatically different as it has in the past.  I'm coming home where it's cold... I need extra insulation!  Hehe.  I don't think I'll ever let it get as long as it was in college, but I'm sure I can find a good mix of short/sassy and long/sexy that I can live with.  On the other hand, when live music is a thing again I'm gonna want it long enough for a respectable headbanging.  Meh... life is a series of interesting haircuts, right?!  At least I've never had a mullet.  

Anyways... that's all the update from Korea.  We are online for the rest of the month, I'm going to be super bummed/depressed next week, S is going to try to help me thru it (bless 'im), and I have a secret Santa to shop for.  Social distancing may get even more crazy, so I need to figure out what I'm going to be cooking for the foreseeable future since going out for anything may become impossible... time to make some beans on toast... maybe with an egg... and cheese.  No fried tomato tho... just cuz I don't know how to fry the slice right... raw tomato with salt, that's the ticket.  I also may just end up doing more long fasts... gotta make that last 7-ish lbs leave before I go home.  No real reason other than my vanity... I promise, I've still got the fat stores to lose... I could live for a week on what is stored in each thigh.  Not that the body would go for those first... darn it all.  I'm digressing... and spiraling... much love to all... MUAH!  :*

My heart hurts

 It's a strange thing we humans do, when confronted with an anticipated loss we put ourselves through the pain of grief twice.  The first is simply knowing that it's coming.  For me, right now, it's knowing that J is going home soon (the 16th).  I know that I'm going to miss her, and so I'm pre-missing her already.  Every interaction is tinged with a sadness as we both are thinking 'I'm gonna miss this.'  We've reached the beginning of the 'lasts.'  Our last date night, our last trip to the doc (she had to get a 'rona test before she flies), her last day at work, our last trip to Mass together, the last time we hug goodbye in person.  It's sad, but also exciting and scary because she's doing what is best for her.  I'm simultaneously happy and miserable - happy she's starting a new chapter and miserable that the timing means she's starting hers while I'm finishing this one.  There was something poetic about starting together and ending together... darn poets always creating unrealistic expectations (snarl, growl).  

Regardless, what I feel most is grateful.  When I moved to Korea, I didn't imagine that I would meet someone who would come to mean so much to me so quickly.  You know me, I'm either a slow burn or a 'I like YOU and you're stuck with me' kinda person.  Our friendship kind of started with her going 'I like YOU' and me going 'Wait, what?!'  I'm so thankful that she did because I've gotten to know this amazing, crazy, sweet, strong, wonderful woman.  She accepted me without trying to change me.  Such a short sentence but it means so much - she never tried to make me extroverted, she simply listened to my explanation, understood that I really didn't mean anything personal when I declined invitations or went home first, and she accepted it.  She didn't understand when I told her that I just get down sometimes and it always passes, but she stood by with a flashlight when those times came.  When I was at my worst, she woke me up to the fact that my actions were affecting more people than just myself, which helped me to realize that I needed real help and she supported me while I found it.  I will seriously run out of adjectives/examples to describe how much her friendship has meant to me.  We are so different and yet so similar and God knew what he was doing when he put us together.  She's been my confidante, my rock, my shopping buddy, my walk to work companion, my lunch/dinner companion, my philosopher, my scholar, my adventurer, my cheerleader, and when I needed it she's been my verbal kick in the head.  I can't tell you how much I've valued our conversations - topics are far-reaching and varied - and the respect.  So from Sirach 6:14-16, here's something of how I feel: 

14 A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:
    he that has found one has found a treasure.
15 There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend,
    and no scales can measure his excellence.
16 A faithful friend is an elixir of life;
    and those who fear the Lord will find him.

So while I will miss my friend, I am also happy for her.  It's only the selfish part of me that really wishes she would have stayed until both of our contracts were up.  Timing/life plan-wise, this makes much more sense for her.  I've told her on no uncertain terms that she's stuck with me forever - she doesn't seem too scared about that.  Plans have included me coming to Australia to have wine with her mom, me coming to India for her wedding so she can get me into a sari, and her coming to the US to have a real road trip.  We shall see how these plans work out, but I can say for sure that with the use of FB, smartphones, and video calling apps, we will be able to keep our date nights for a while.  

That's most of what I'm thinking about this week.  As my own contract slowly expires, I'm starting to make my checklist of what I want to do/see before I go.  And yes, I've already started going thru clothes to figure out what stays, books to give away, as well as other odds and ends that have no need to go overseas.  I've been stopping myself from shopping for another sweater, tho I may give up and go engage in retail therapy this weekend.  Social distancing for Seoul and the surrounding area (that's me) is at level 2.5 for the next 3 weeks, so we are online teaching for all of Dec.  Guess I'll be cooking a lot more again.  S and I finished our Tremors marathon with #7 on Tuesday while having Papa Johns pizza (the vegan pizza was good but left me craving Papa J's).  We have plans to start watching Christmas movies then.  Starting with the Hogfather, Die Hard 1&2, and The Long Kiss Goodnight. Then Wed I'm making pasta for J, and perhaps I'll even make brownies for dessert.  I will miss her telling me how much she loves my cooking (hehe).  Some day, I'll bake her up a storm of desserts... a dessert storm, if you will.  

One of the first pix we took with my phone.

Things don't really change in 2 years, now do they?!  Hehehe

In my dating life, I'm happy that I've finally reached the point where I know that I can forgive someone but I don't have to let them back into my world.  I got a message from a guy that I'd blocked on every other app and now he's blocked on that one, too.  Why can't some guys take 'no' for an answer?!?  UGH!  Much love to all, MUAH! :*

Unintentional food post

 I haven't been taking many pix of things other than food lately, so that's what you're getting this time around.  I don't figure you'll mind too much.  The only thing of note that's happened lately is that S hurt himself pretty good at the gym this week, so I was his errand-runner at work for a few days.  I told him that he'll get the bill at the end of the month.  It'll likely be a boozy bill.

This is the chicken and broccoli macaroni and cheese that I made for J on Wednesday's date night.  It was a lovely evening and I used three cheeses - guyere, cheddar, and parmesan.  It turned out really nice.  Funny, this was the first time I tried something like this without a recipe and it was good.  That made me happy.

So on Thursday, J and I went to the pension office in the AM to get everything ready for when she jets out at the end of the month.  Afterward we went to the Apothecary for brunch.  Normally I don't eat on Thursdays, but I felt like it, so THERE!  I had this aged beef pocket sammich.  So yummy.

Friday was business as usual, and then on Saturday I met up with J(S) in Seoul and we went to Love Hut Cafe.  It's a vegan place in Seoul that looked pretty darn good, so we were excited.  We got there and found out that it is also a tiny grocery store!  It was so cute watching J(S) be so excited about the opportunity to get food that he can't usually get where he lives.  

I wanted to try the ice cream, but we ended up not getting dessert.

This was my frappachino and the fries that I insisted we get.  He got a soy burger which he said was really nice, and I got... 

a vegan pizza.  He helped to eat it, too.  It was standard thin crust, tomato sauce, olives, tomatoes, green peppers, and some kind of vegan sausage.  The cheese was also vegan.  The biggest difference was that the cheese was slightly more melty than I'm used to.  Otherwise, it was quite a yummy meal.

I was intrigued by this red bamboo salt, until I saw the price (over $40).  For those who want to zoom in and see what's so special about it, stop reading.  Everyone else, "Bamboo salt is a fine quality salt made my a thousand year old traditional process known by Korean Buddhist monks.  It is made by filling natural salt inside bamboo, sealing it with loess, and burning it with pine wood until it melts down.  (This process is repeated many times until it acquires the desired quality.)  Bamboo salt changes to a red color when it contains high level of bamboo, loess, and pine essence, it has been called 'a hundred times red salt' because you can only get it after repeating the same process many times."  I didn't buy it.

After eating, we went to Father's Beer to get some booze in our veins.  When we were there, I found these which made me think of Ana.  Ana, what do you think, could this be the rose beer we found for you in Amsterdam??

We were the only 2 people in the bar all night.  Seoul has gone to level 2 social distancing which means that all the bars and restaurants have to shut down or move to take-out only at 9pm.  The cafe's are also all take out only.  This limits hanging-out options, just FYI.

This was a GOOD brew.  I mean, anything with a phoenix on it has to be good, right?!

This was also nice.  At least, it was nicer than what J(S) got, he went for 'omega' beer.  The thing was, he didn't notice until after he got it that it was a sour ale.  Apparently he's not a huge fan of sour ales.  Tho this did lead to a fun story about when he was a kid and they would eat spoonfuls of citric acid for fun.

We had 2 rounds of Kozel dark... and I noticed the 'panic line' which is just FUNNY to me.  So that was Saturday night.  Sunday I met up with J and her boyfriend A for Mass.  It was a good 2nd Sunday of Advent, and we even got to see 3 first communions and 7 confirmations.  It was fun listening to J explaining to A what was going on and why Mass was actually an hour long instead of just the usual 40 mins.

Since J had plans with A after Mass, I met up with J(S) again and we decided to finally get our Dos Tacos.  We met up and I treated myself to a Dr. Pepper (they are kinda hard to find in Korea).  

J(S) was able to find himself something to eat (potato burrito and refried beans), and I had... 

This.  This... beautiful, huge burrito.  I got the meat and avocado burrito - and the meat was chicken.  HUGE improvement on the nachos that I got last time.  Tho I did notice that they are offering pork nachos as a specialty, so I may need to go back and try those.  After that, he hit up a vape store and then we parted ways.  So even though the trip to Nami was delayed, we were able to have a good weekend.  We also discussed keeping the booking for Jan 2, which is when we should actually be able to go and see the lights.

So that's pretty much all that's new from Korea.  I'm doing laundry now and watching the Smurfs.  I know, so wild.  LOL - much love, all!  MUAH! :*