It's a strange thing we humans do, when confronted with an anticipated loss we put ourselves through the pain of grief twice. The first is simply knowing that it's coming. For me, right now, it's knowing that J is going home soon (the 16th). I know that I'm going to miss her, and so I'm pre-missing her already. Every interaction is tinged with a sadness as we both are thinking 'I'm gonna miss this.' We've reached the beginning of the 'lasts.' Our last date night, our last trip to the doc (she had to get a 'rona test before she flies), her last day at work, our last trip to Mass together, the last time we hug goodbye in person. It's sad, but also exciting and scary because she's doing what is best for her. I'm simultaneously happy and miserable - happy she's starting a new chapter and miserable that the timing means she's starting hers while I'm finishing this one. There was something poetic about starting together and ending together... darn poets always creating unrealistic expectations (snarl, growl).
Regardless, what I feel most is grateful. When I moved to Korea, I didn't imagine that I would meet someone who would come to mean so much to me so quickly. You know me, I'm either a slow burn or a 'I like YOU and you're stuck with me' kinda person. Our friendship kind of started with her going 'I like YOU' and me going 'Wait, what?!' I'm so thankful that she did because I've gotten to know this amazing, crazy, sweet, strong, wonderful woman. She accepted me without trying to change me. Such a short sentence but it means so much - she never tried to make me extroverted, she simply listened to my explanation, understood that I really didn't mean anything personal when I declined invitations or went home first, and she accepted it. She didn't understand when I told her that I just get down sometimes and it always passes, but she stood by with a flashlight when those times came. When I was at my worst, she woke me up to the fact that my actions were affecting more people than just myself, which helped me to realize that I needed real help and she supported me while I found it. I will seriously run out of adjectives/examples to describe how much her friendship has meant to me. We are so different and yet so similar and God knew what he was doing when he put us together. She's been my confidante, my rock, my shopping buddy, my walk to work companion, my lunch/dinner companion, my philosopher, my scholar, my adventurer, my cheerleader, and when I needed it she's been my verbal kick in the head. I can't tell you how much I've valued our conversations - topics are far-reaching and varied - and the respect. So from Sirach 6:14-16, here's something of how I feel:
14 A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:
he that has found one has found a treasure.
15 There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend,
and no scales can measure his excellence.
16 A faithful friend is an elixir of life;
and those who fear the Lord will find him.
So while I will miss my friend, I am also happy for her. It's only the selfish part of me that really wishes she would have stayed until both of our contracts were up. Timing/life plan-wise, this makes much more sense for her. I've told her on no uncertain terms that she's stuck with me forever - she doesn't seem too scared about that. Plans have included me coming to Australia to have wine with her mom, me coming to India for her wedding so she can get me into a sari, and her coming to the US to have a real road trip. We shall see how these plans work out, but I can say for sure that with the use of FB, smartphones, and video calling apps, we will be able to keep our date nights for a while.
That's most of what I'm thinking about this week. As my own contract slowly expires, I'm starting to make my checklist of what I want to do/see before I go. And yes, I've already started going thru clothes to figure out what stays, books to give away, as well as other odds and ends that have no need to go overseas. I've been stopping myself from shopping for another sweater, tho I may give up and go engage in retail therapy this weekend. Social distancing for Seoul and the surrounding area (that's me) is at level 2.5 for the next 3 weeks, so we are online teaching for all of Dec. Guess I'll be cooking a lot more again. S and I finished our Tremors marathon with #7 on Tuesday while having Papa Johns pizza (the vegan pizza was good but left me craving Papa J's). We have plans to start watching Christmas movies then. Starting with the Hogfather, Die Hard 1&2, and The Long Kiss Goodnight. Then Wed I'm making pasta for J, and perhaps I'll even make brownies for dessert. I will miss her telling me how much she loves my cooking (hehe). Some day, I'll bake her up a storm of desserts... a dessert storm, if you will.
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