Trust is hard

So I'm sure you are all aware of the situation in Korea with the coronavirus.  There's been quite a few new cases in the last week, a few deaths, everyone is wearing masks, people are kind of freaked out, and I've been off work for (essentially) a week.  You also know that I've been trying to get a handle on one particular area of my life that I would describe as a festering cauldron of unspeakable horrors that has been on simmer and recently started to boil again, bringing all the stuff from the bottom to the top.  Well, that coupled with all this coronavirus crap has caused an emotional roller coaster that has either stalled or ended with my hearing God going "I told you that I'd take care of it" in an exasperated kind of voice that is sneakily reminiscent of Dad's.

It's been a roller coaster because all illusions of control or planning have gone out the friggin' window.  We got word that the school was closed for a day, then it was 4 days and we would work on Friday but no kids would be there.  Then we found out about how our pay would be affected.  Then we found out that we'll be closed next week, too and automatically assumed the pay situation would be the same.  Then we found out that the pay situation would not be the same but other days during the term would be affected.  With each new revelation came new emotional responses, new considerations, and I won't lie, I was thiiiiiis close to seeing how much I could get for plasma... or a kidney.  I had plan A, then plan B, then was working on plans C thru at least L while trying to also trust that it would all work out in the end.  I refused to believe that our job was gleefully waiting to take advantage of the situation to somehow ruin our lives.  My MO is generally hear the news, process, freak, recalculate the plan, stare into the unknown, be swallowed by the abyss, remember to trust in God, continue freak out, then exhausted resignation of the "whatever will be will be" variety.  It's an exhausting process.  I can't lie, I'm looking forward to having another week off to deal with emotional stuff without having to be 'teacher' during the day.

In the meantime, most of my daily prayers and meditations were about trusting in the Lord, strengthening my own faith, dealing with my issues, etc.  It seems like in the midst of feeling like my entire house of cards was falling down around me, the Lord was whispering 'Trust me, I've got you.'  My response, as ever, was something like 'Ok, but how?' or 'I don't believe you, let me see what I can do.'  When we found out today what the plan was and how it changed what our days off for the coming term were, I could almost swear I heard Him chuckle in a 'see, I TOLD you so' kind of manner.  Not surprisingly, it's always my dad's chuckle I hear in those moments.  On the one hand, I trust in the Lord, on the other hand I want to be in charge, I want to know what is going to happen.  I'm pretty good at figuring out what people are going to do - that's a bit of a gift of the Holy Spirit, I think - but when I think my life is spiraling out of my control (shriek with hysterical laughter) I don't like not knowing what I can do.  On the one hand, I know it's all an illusion of control but I hold on to that illusion with every single fiber of my being.

If you are wondering, the ability to message my counselor has proven to be a huge asset.  I like that she is also of a religious mind set.  It's nice to tell her basically this same thing and have her come back with a 'yeah, he does that sometimes, doesn't he' response.  I hate to say it because "I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me 'everything's gonna be alright'" (Uncle Kracker) but I will be alright.  No need to sell plasma, kidney, or anything else (ahem, oldest profession) any time soon.

Anyway, I like to think of God as an indulgent father that sometimes just looks at us with eyes full of love and goes 'I know you can't always see it, but in some small moments I'm going to show you how I hold you in the palm of my hand and at those times I love you all the more.'  Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Also, I've been engaging in some retail therapy, so here's my new jacket that I've been told a) looks amazing b) makes me look like I'm from the Matrix and I think c) needs a pair of red heels to go with it.

 It's not really warm, but it's cute and I love it.  So the other day I went shopping with S and his friend M (my friend too now, maybe, who knows, I'm in a weird mental space and I'm not sure I made a very good impression) to a bunch of vintage shops.  I found out that band t-shirts are HORRIBLY overpriced for a 'vintage' store (169000 won for a USED Metallica shirt?!?), but I also found this lovely zip-up hoodie.

Turns out I've been missing having the ability to just grab and zip instead of grab and pull over.  I'm also at the weird stage of weight loss where I think my head is too big for my body... sigh.  I also found a couple places that sell lip rings... I'VE GOT MY SPIKIES BACK!  LOL - also they are WAY cheaper here, which is nice.  It was also a fairly warmer day today, so I was able to air out my apt (both windows open, gives the air a chance to move).  With no work planned for another week, I'm looking into some fun interactive museums and such in Seoul.  I also have a haircut planned for Tues.  Don't worry, I'll wear my mask, carry my hand sanitizer, and avoid getting close to people.  

Ash Wednesday

It's upon us again, friends.  I have some thoughts that I'd like to share because I think this whole 'cleaning out my emotional wounds' thing is going to really suck and the reason is because sometimes we think that others do things intentionally when really there's no intention behind their behaviors.

I just had my first session, and in it my counselor was talking about my coping mechanisms (she was excited when I told her I was giving up drinking for Lent) and the way she was talking it seemed like she assumed I was aware of what I was feeling when I would utilize the coping mechanism.  The thing is, I hardly ever have thoughts such as 'I'm feeling depressed, I'd like to get wasted' or 'I'm so annoyed right now, I'll drive really fast and listen to Slipknot' or 'everything is just too much to process, I'm going to escape into Netflix and kill a few hours'  I've never really given credence to my feelings so my behaviors flow from from my unconscious self trying to deal with things my conscious self never recognizes.  I guess part of this process is going to be realizing consciously what my un or sub-conscious already knows.  My friend T asked me yesterday if I was ready to face myself... I don't think I totally realized what he meant until now.  He also reminded me that what I'm trying to deal with didn't happen as 'a single, easy to wrap up event' which was incredibly helpful.  My counselor today told me not to beat myself up about not reaching out sooner because the truth is that I could have waited a LOT longer to deal with things and that helped a lot, too.  I was beating myself up about this - why wait when this could have been handled years ago?  Truth is, I don't know that I would have been ready to handle it then... I'm not totally sure I'm ready to handle it now... but it's time.

On that note, thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have reached out since my last post.  I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the lights in my darkness.  I know that most of you want to help, but just knowing that you are behind me, rooting me on is enough.  And you know, when I see you I'm going to give you HUGE HUGS!!! 

One thing about it, having most of the week off due to Coronavirus gives a person plenty of time to think.  In fact, I think today that I will put on real clothes and venture outside for a bit.  The sun is out, and while it's not totally warm by any means, it is at least not raining.  I've hermited for... about 4 days now (not including grocery shopping on Mon) and I think I need to be around people while I try to figure out what emotions and external stimuli cause my self-destructive behavior.  I don't know if this is good juju or not, but at least now I realize that people would show up at my funeral whereas in high school I was convinced it would be just my mom and dad (sisters cuz they'd have to be there).  Oh gallows humor... a last refuge when talking about extremely serious things.  Also an illustration of how long I've had these tendencies... and no worries if you never realized, I'm (generally) good at hiding what's inside.  I think another part of what is going to make this so hard is that I can't intentionally hide things from the counselor if I really want to get better / let her help me. 

So yeah, I just wanted to share some of that with you... Dad mentioned that the more honest I am on here, the better he can direct his prayers for me - for anyone else whom that is true for, thank you.  I have a feeling the prayers of others have played a huge role in how the Lord eventually hits me to wake me up.  Probably also helps him decide what kind of lumber to use - 2x4? 4x6? 6x8?  How stubborn is this Short/Arnett person being at the moment?!  Hehe.

Anyway, I hope the rest of your weeks go well.  I also hope that you have a holy Lent.  Remember the 3 components of a holy Lent - fasting, prayer, and almsgiving.  Just be careful of the almsgiving - I'm on a LOT of charity's lists due to ONE donation.  (Sorry for all the junk mail, Mom.)  Thanks again to all who read this/reached out/support me from far away.  I love and miss all of you - from your beautiful mess of a friend/sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece.  MUAH! :*

Getting help

This is quite possibly the hardest post I've ever written.  However, I want to be honest with you about what is going on, some of the things I'm dealing with, etc.  Before I go into it, let me tell you that I have reached out and I'm getting the help that I need.

I don't know if there is an official term for how I've been feeling lately (think about 2-3 months), but 'passively suicidal' is what I've come up with.  My definition: no plan in place, no INTENTION of harming oneself; however, a tendency toward the possibility of unintentional harm.  Kind of like: speeding on a wet, windy road.  The person knows they can lose it and die any time, yet they continue to do what they are doing because they actually LONG to die.  That's where I've been.  I don't think it really has anything to do with Korea, because I've had these self-destructive tendencies my entire life.  So no, I don't need to midnight run and come home because a change in geography won't really help much.  Also yes, for those who love me back home - I know it sucks to read these words - trust me, it sucks to write them.  I've been feeling this crushing weight of inadequacy, loneliness, feeling like I'm not enough for anyone or anything, restlessness but with no direction, I don't even want to start applying for jobs or anything back home because I don't think I'm good enough for anything.  I also remember the soul-crushing process of applying in the States before I got here and... I'm just not strong enough for that right now.

I talked to J here, and to my friend T back home about some of what I've been trying to process and then a friend here, M, posted on FB about a service that she's been using to deal with things.  I followed the link, filled out the questionnaire, was matched to a counselor, and have been messaging her since.  After all that, I thought about checking out the reviews online, and they seem really, really good.  The service is Better Help, if you're interested.  My counselor said that she takes an intellectual over an emotional approach - or I/E vs E/I.  As you all know, I'm AWESOME at emotions (dripping sarcasm) so I figure this is a good match.  We have a live session scheduled for Wednesday AM - Ash Wednesday... coincidence?  Probably not.  So this year for Lent I will be talking about my issues with someone who knows I'm religious, Catholic specifically, and I will also be giving up my toxic 'coping' mechanism - drinking. 

On the one hand, I hate that I have to admit that I need help.  On the other hand, I've come to realize that some wounds run too deep for one person to deal with on their own.  If I really want to break the cycle, I HAVE to try something different.  I've carried certain things on my own for too long (no, I'm not going into details - that's why we have things like HIPAA and frankly, some of this stuff I don't want to admit to myself) and I need help to let them go.  I'm really sorry it's taken me this long, and I apologize for any hurt I've caused along the way.  When I don't see myself as someone worth being around, it's hard for me to imagine that others feel differently.  Something else that I have learned is that people can inadvertently manage to hit every single one of my insecurities and leave me feeling about as worthwhile as a piece of fools' gold.  It's not really their fault, they don't know what they are doing, but I'm left with the aftermath and sucked down deeper into my hole of self-loathing, misery and anger.  I've taken a passive approach to my brokenness - a 'God can fix me when and if he wants to' approach, and that was a mistake.  I'm going to take an active approach from now on - a 'God put people like counselors on the Earth for a reason, and I'm going to utilize these resources to get better' kind of approach.

I do want to show you a picture from the day that, for me, will be known as the day of catharsis:

I don't 'look' depressed, do I?  And yet, my actions turned a good day with friends into a nightmare.  I can't take it back and I can't make it right, all I can do is try to get better and be better. 

For the last week, I've had FFDP's "My Own Hell" and Hollywood Undead's "The Diary" stuck in my head.  Neither are happy songs - both deal with depression.  However, knowing that others have felt the same way also helps me.  Also, knowing that Ivan Moody, James Hetfield, etc, have even gone to rehab to get help to deal with their demons gives me hope in dealing with mine.

If you are wondering why I haven't reached out to more of my friends or gone into more detail here, the answer is simple.  I don't want all of you to know the darkness that I carry.  I've talked to C a bit about this - and perhaps I'm selfish in that I see this as MY burden, not yours.  I don't want you to have to carry this part of me, too.  That's why I've finally decided to reach out to someone with the training and who gets paid to help me through this.  I don't want to carry this anymore, I'm ready to let go of this emotional ball of razor wire that is turning me into a mass of emotional scar tissue.  As both C and my counselor told me, "It's time."

So that's the biggest update that I need to bring you up to speed on.  It's also why you only got one blog post this week - I wanted to be careful how I worded this because I didn't want some of you to be worried or buy me a plane ticket home halfway through the post.  These are long-standing issues that I'm going to be dealing with and the only thing that Korea did was show me just how deeply rooted they are.  I'm still going to be here for the next year, I'm going to work through most of these (I'd say all, but frankly I don't think anyone works through ALL their issues), and I'm going to be a better version of me when I come home.  I'm also going to set a goal for applying for jobs back home, so that when I do come back in 2021 I won't be totally starting from scratch again. 

Much love to all of you, thank you for being a light in my darkness.  :* MUAH!

Connection

I got to talk to Jess on Thurs night and she said something that resonates so much.  She said something along the lines of "I miss having that connection with someone that means I don't have to make so much of an effort."  She was saying this in terms of her, me, and impromptu margarita dates.  However, that's also what I've been missing.  I miss having the connection where someone knows what I'm always down for and what I'm not.  As well as having another introvert friend who gets that 'hanging out' means the 2 of us in our PJ's binging TV, or if we do go out we both understand that it's going to be just the 2 of us (with option of her hubby, but always pre-confirmed).  I miss all the things that neither of us have to say because we both just KNOW.  That was part of what was so great to have M&M here - again, it was understood that they would not be meeting anyone on purpose because I don't like to share my people when we have a limited time together.  Not having to explain myself to someone is so nice because I no longer feel the need to be defensive or apologetic about who I am.  That's something that I'm struggling with here - feeling like I'm having to defend the fact that I don't like surprises, I need to know exactly who I can expect to see during a group hang-out, and that people understand that when I need to go home, I will.  I kind of feel like I'm being a bit of a (rhymes with witch) when I leave somewhere 'early,' but it's really in everyone's interest.  After all, it's usually my inner meter that tells me when it's time to leave before I do or say something that is actually mean.

So basically, when you have someone in your life that you connect with on that kind of level, be sure that they know how much you love and appreciate them.  To all of you with whom I share this level of connection - I FRIGGIN LOVE AND MISS YOU SO DARN MUCH!!!!

As for the rest of life - I'm struggling with the fact that I've been here a year now and I though I'd be farther along in my savings and stuff to come home with.  As it is, I feel like I'm still spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.  I know that I'm probably being overly hard on myself, and I'm planning to make sure to curb my spending habits so that I can come home next year, but I hate feeling like I'm never going to get ahead, you know?

"Are you OK?"

I think that this question has too many layers.  What does it mean to be "ok?"  I have an expressive face, apparently.  The last few days, my fellow teachers have been able to tell that I wasn't really feeling it.  Part of this is the overtime, part is just the amount of disrespect I feel coming from the kids, part of it is trying to remember that they ARE kids and I need to let them be kids from time to time.  Couple all that with feeling disrespected in my personal life and trying to get out of my comfort zone and... well it isn't a mix for happy feelings, you get me?

So am I ok?  In the sense that I'm dealing with my crap and at least identifying some issues, yes.  I'm realizing just how deep some of my wounds go.  The flip side of that is the question of "now what?"  I saw a quote from CS Lewis today that said something about you have to let go in order to move on and I know that I tend to hold on to pain.  It's familiar, you know?  It's also a great scapegoat.  "Why aren't you dating/married?"  "I'm still healing from crap."  On the other hand, I really do think that I've gone as far as I can without dating.  So I'm back out there, trying to meet people who aren't crap humans.  Wish me luck.  For those who are wondering - yes, I'm being as smart about this as I can possibly be and no, I'm not looking for forever in Korea... I think I'm looking for hope and fun.  Hope that decent people do exist, and fun people to go out to the pub or on trips with.  We shall see - and honestly it is nice to hang out with people who are from the states but who have also traveled.  I did get jealous of one who told me that he'd been here for 7 mo and had already been back to the states TWICE!  SIGH... come on, 2 week vacation in July!!!

My students tend to ask 'are you ok' when I'm visibly stressed.  On Friday one of my favorite students asked, and I just told him 'no, I'm not.'  If I could have been totally honest with him, I would have said something like 'I'm PMS-ing, I haven't eaten in over 24 hours, none of the students are listening to me, my ear is ringing because you all speak at a scream, I know none of you like one of the kids in class and I feel super bad for him but I can't force you to be friends, I'm tired, I miss my family, I haven't had nearly enough coffee yet to deal with all 13 of you, two of you are acting like you don't understand simple concepts and I know they are faking, I totally forgot about the whole boys vs girls dynamic of school and while I love that they girls don't put up with the boys crap I really need them to stop hitting each other, and I still have 3 more days of this crap next week."  It was just easier to say 'no, I'm not' and then he asked 'Amanda Teacher is die?' and I nod and say 'yep, Amanda teacher is die' and then I collapse on my teaching podium.  The thing is, I really do like my kids - there's just a couple that are really, really hard to manage and they are INCAPABLE of not speaking.  I get 'teaCHER' from 5 different directions, over and over because everyone wants to be first, then I get questions that I KNOW they know the answers to.  It is enough to drive a saint crazy.  My little monsters seem to sometimes be trying to kill me.  I may also eat a breakfast next Tues after my long fasting day... I'm not sure if it will help or if I should just put my coffee in an IV.

Then they do things like this and it's all better again:

 My last and favorite class on MWF decided they needed to make 'friends' who were sleepy.  Those are their big, empty jackets.

 I have them put their heads down during one part of the lesson so that they don't all just copy the smart kid, and I had to take a picture of it, because my class of 5 miraculously was a class of 10! 

 The next time I had them in class, they decided their 'friends' needed to study.

So this is what part of my class looked like...

And here they all are studying for one of their quizzes.  I have to tell you, I really enjoy teaching this class - they are just as rambunctious as some of my other ones, but I've had them for the whole year I've been teaching and so they know me best.  I have a lot of fun with them, but sometimes I've had to get after them, too.  I did tell them that if they didn't do better on some of their tests, I was going to get fired.  One of them seemed really concerned, until I smiled and told her I was only joking. 

Now J tells me that my student's test grades are not a reflection of my teaching ability and I think I really need to hold on to that.  I can only do so much, then it's up to the students and their parents as to how much they study outside class.  I was happy to have a break from grading writing notebooks for my older kids for a week.  That should make the last few days of immersion a little easier. 

Anyway, then we have the fellow teachers asking 'Are you ok?'  Which generally translates as 'I know that you're not ok, because I'm not ok, but I want to show I care by asking if you are ok, then we can commiserate and be not ok together.'  Which is sweet.  We are all dealing with so many things in such different ways - missing home, the students, the overtime, living in another country, missing our families and friends, trying to make friends, etc.  I'm starting to wonder if anyone who is living overseas can ever really say 'YES, I AM OK!'  Generally these things just become background noise in my head - but in times of stress, it all comes out. 

Sometimes I get the texts from home that ask 'are you ok?' to which the only real reply is 'NO BECAUSE I MISS YOU!!!!'  I'm so grateful for the internet and video calls and all that stuff, but it's just not the same as actually sitting in the same room.  When M&M were here, it made me laugh a couple times because we'd all be looking at something totally different on our phones, but just having their presence in the room made all the difference.  I know that I need my alone time to recharge, but I can't have another 2-month hermit without descending into madness.  So I'm going to go ahead and book the trip to Nami Island for the 22nd, then I'm going to sign up for the Daegu Lantern Festival, which looks amazing and beautiful and is in April.  In the meantime, I think a trip to Busan is in order because I MISS MY FRIEND!  That's right, D, I'm talking about you!!  ;)  I'm thinking a March trip of shenanigans and malarkey. 

Anyways... I guess the point of this is that in some ways I am ok, in others I'm not totally, but I will survive.  I'm extremely grateful for those in my life who remind me who I am and where I come from and just how badass I am.  Hehe... it's nice when someone reminds you of who you are when you've temporarily forgotten. 

In other news, the US needs to get with Korea on how easy it is to file taxes.  Holy schnikes, once we got the online banking thing to work, we were G2G - good to go!  All done online, took about 5 mins per teacher (with lots of help from A, who worked with the accountant), and now we wait for the refund. Now to see about filing in the US (eep!).

Adventures In Overtime

So I went out last Friday night and we went to a bar that had this: a Superbowl breakfast.  LOL.

Had to share cuz the superbowl in the AM is just too funny.  Also, this is my caramel macchiato from Holly's... isn't it pretty?!?

And the other day, look at what I found.  Isn't she pretty?!  I really miss American muscle cars... I mean, the one from the 70's would be nice to see but this was pretty sexy, too.

Turns out I was missing quite a lot of American-type things.  For example, the snack cracker situation in Korea is really quite sad.  They have crackers, but the crackers are sweet.  So you are expecting a salty snack and you get sweet.  Very jarring the first time it happens.

Now don't get me wrong.  I do like living here.  However, I'm starting to realize just how much I miss things like a variety of savory snack crackers.  I tell you, if my family wasn't sending me clubs, I'm not sure what I would have done.  Been much more cranky, I'm sure.  LOL.

Anyway, I'm pretty much tired all the time because we're doing overtime right now (as you know, immersion program).  Most of the kids are good, but there's always one or two that are just... trying.  Here is what I'm realizing... ready... are you sitting down??  It's a big one... I don't think I'm a very good teacher.  There, I said it.  I mean, we have some fun and for the most part they are speaking English, but when it comes to discipline or just feeling like I'm actually teaching them anything I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  The scores for their book test were laughable.  I don't know if they just don't care or get too distracted with everything else going on or what, but it would be really easy for me to dive into a bottle every night to a) sleep and b) feel a little better.  There really isn't much danger of that, by the way.  I mean, I like my wine with dinner but I can't imagine working with kids AND a hangover.

I think feeling like this is a part of my problem here.  For the most part, I really don't object to much.  I mean, having some of the Americanisms that make life more convenient would be nice (looking at you, dryer that uses energy and drys clothes in mins), but not having them now will just mean I appreciate them more later.  Living where things like masks aren't needed would also be nice, but frankly I think the germaphobes are going to take over and soon everyone will always be in a mask or risk being ostracized.

It is fun feeling like I'm all incognito.  BTW - this is a post-Costco pic... that's right, I go shopping to Costco with a backpack and 2 reusable bags.  AND I take the bus.  It's a wild life.  LOL.

I'm also ready for weather that doesn't require thermals.  The amount of consideration I put into clothing because I don't have a car/heater is almost dismal.  I realized this AM that I forgot to put in earrings because I was too busy catching up with people back home.  Getting updates on the joys of home ownership/selling/dealing with the buyers after the deal has gone thru.  I'm telling you, I'm gonna either live in an RV or rent forever.  Everything else seems like such a pain!  Of course, I may regret those words some day... we shall see.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a quick update on the overtime and tiredness.  I had the thought the other day that adulthood is just relating to a different one of the 7 dwarves at any time during the day.  LOL.

Also, I'm struggling with another epiphany.  I can't demand that people treat me how I feel I should be treated.  I know this is something that I always struggle with because I'm the kind of person who would go thru Hell for someone I love, and I just want those same people to feel the same about me.  I can't honestly expect that... and yet, I want to.  It's a crappy situation, and one of the reasons that I'm so 'guarded' as J calls it.  She's really not wrong - when I'm the type who will literally do anything to make someone else's day a little better, is it so bad to expect the same from them?!  I know the answer to that... and it's a sucky answer.  The thing is, when I go thru the cycle, I end up on the other side which can only be called "apathy."  When someone shows me just how little they regard me, what can I do but answer in kind?  I generally try to show people what they mean to me... when they respond with less than what I'm giving... well, that's not the kind of relationship I want to last.  It sucks, it really does, but I feel like there's not much I can do about it.  I have to accept people for who they are, not for who I want them to be, right??  Sigh... I need cuddles.

On the other hand, when a man tells me 'I just want to make sure you are comfortable' I catch myself going... what?!  That has NEVER been a part of ANY convo I've had with a guy.  I am so bad at this whole dating thing.  However, I feel like I need to - at least casually while I'm here - in order to truly heal from past hurts.  I know I need that healing... I just don't know what will help and what will hurt, you know?!  Sigh... healing is not linear... healing is not linear... I must remember that.  

And on that less than happy note, I'll leave you for the week.  I may update you on my weekend, but it's probably going to be pretty low-key.  I'm thinking of making stew for M(C) this weekend, which could be fun.  I'm going to make the stew and then bake it with stuffing on top (cuz I have that... don't ask) and see how it turns out.  Hopefully it'll taste good.  He'll tell me if it doesn't.  I love his honesty... my quote from him today 'You look worse than you usually do.'  LOL - he clarified that I looked angry, not bad, but it was really funny.

My brain is weird

The human brain is a weird thing.  I was sad before M&M ever got here because I knew that they would be leaving after only a week.  As amazing as it was to have them here, I knew I was going to miss them SO MUCH when they left.  That anticipation of my mental state made my mental state at the time worse than it otherwise would have been.  Such madness.  Anyway, the funny thing is that I got their Christmas card a couple days after they left.  How goofy is that?!?  Got Mom's a couple days before M&M's.

And now on to the next weird thing that living over a year outside of the US has done to me.  Forgive me for the language, but kitchen porn is officially a thing for me right now.  I met a new person and he sent me a picture of his... OVEN.  It's a real, 4-burner (electric of course) range, with an honest-to-goodness FULL SIZED OVEN!!!  Then he sent a pic of his kitchen (galley, nothing special), and I spent way too much time staring at his sink... with 2 basins!  One to wash, one to rinse... the creme de la creme of doing the dishes.  In talking to him, he also mentioned he has a western style bathroom (with a tub and a shower) and then he asked about mine.  I sent him a pic of my shower stall bathroom with the shower head attached to the sink.  He laughed a lot, and I realized that bathrooms don't get me the way kitchens do.  I mean, it's not the bathroom Jess and I had in Ohio, so I'm good.  The toilet doesn't rock when I sit on it, there isn't nasty carpet, and I don't have to fill the toilet tank with the shower head.  That bathroom / apt really set the bar low for the rest of my life.  It really takes shockingly little to make me happy.  So yay for making a new friend and yay for the possibility of making cookies!!  Oh, also he has as eclectic music tastes as I do.

Looks like there is going to be some changes at work again.  Gotta love it, right?!  I'm trying to learn to roll with the punches... perhaps that is what Korea is supposed to be teaching me.  Anyway, we have one month of the current schedule left and then we start over with new classes.  I really kind of want to keep my saplings who I've had for a year... they are so fun.  Oh, and figuring out the taxes should be an interesting adventure.  Apparently S Korea has people file their taxes in FEBRUARY!  Suddenly the US and filing by April 14 sounds great.  Of course, it's not Australia and their OCTOBER deadline.  I'm learning a lot about what countries are good for taxes and which are not so much.  Its quite the educational experience, living abroad.

Anyway, I've learned that going thru my history with guys... with a guy... is weird.  Like, how much detail do you think they REALLY want?  No, I've never had a relationship that lasted a year.  Yes, I've generally dated guys that I knew were no good.  I'm not sure what I'm looking for now, except friendship, shenanigans, and malarkey (and respect, but more on that later).  Yes, I stopped dating for 8 years (after someone played with my head/emotions), no I don't hate men, yes I'm 35 and single never married with no kids, no I'm not psycho, yes I've been working through a lot of my issues, yes dating has given me new insights on why I am the way that I am, no I'm not expecting you to 'fix' or 'save' me, and the haircut was to celebrate a weight loss goal.  The question that usually comes up is 'what are you looking for' and my 100% honest answer is - respect.  I want to believe that there are guys out there who respect women/me/my decisions regarding my life.  Guys that won't push for sex when I tell them point blank that it's not happening.  Guys that don't preach to me about the wonders of the gym when I tell them that my affair with that ended a long time ago.  Guys that hear that I fast and don't try to tell me how terrible it is for me.  The thing is, I can't demand respect from someone.  I want to believe that decent humans still exist, and in order to find that out, I have to meet them.  I will still need my BH weekends sometimes, but I also can't just stay home all the time and/or depend on one or 2 people to drag me out.  So I'll go meet new humans... and we'll see what happens.  Life is fun.  LOL.

As for all the virus stuff, there's a lot of people wearing masks.  I'm gonna believe that booze kills the virus, so I'm gonna be ok.