"Are you OK?"

I think that this question has too many layers.  What does it mean to be "ok?"  I have an expressive face, apparently.  The last few days, my fellow teachers have been able to tell that I wasn't really feeling it.  Part of this is the overtime, part is just the amount of disrespect I feel coming from the kids, part of it is trying to remember that they ARE kids and I need to let them be kids from time to time.  Couple all that with feeling disrespected in my personal life and trying to get out of my comfort zone and... well it isn't a mix for happy feelings, you get me?

So am I ok?  In the sense that I'm dealing with my crap and at least identifying some issues, yes.  I'm realizing just how deep some of my wounds go.  The flip side of that is the question of "now what?"  I saw a quote from CS Lewis today that said something about you have to let go in order to move on and I know that I tend to hold on to pain.  It's familiar, you know?  It's also a great scapegoat.  "Why aren't you dating/married?"  "I'm still healing from crap."  On the other hand, I really do think that I've gone as far as I can without dating.  So I'm back out there, trying to meet people who aren't crap humans.  Wish me luck.  For those who are wondering - yes, I'm being as smart about this as I can possibly be and no, I'm not looking for forever in Korea... I think I'm looking for hope and fun.  Hope that decent people do exist, and fun people to go out to the pub or on trips with.  We shall see - and honestly it is nice to hang out with people who are from the states but who have also traveled.  I did get jealous of one who told me that he'd been here for 7 mo and had already been back to the states TWICE!  SIGH... come on, 2 week vacation in July!!!

My students tend to ask 'are you ok' when I'm visibly stressed.  On Friday one of my favorite students asked, and I just told him 'no, I'm not.'  If I could have been totally honest with him, I would have said something like 'I'm PMS-ing, I haven't eaten in over 24 hours, none of the students are listening to me, my ear is ringing because you all speak at a scream, I know none of you like one of the kids in class and I feel super bad for him but I can't force you to be friends, I'm tired, I miss my family, I haven't had nearly enough coffee yet to deal with all 13 of you, two of you are acting like you don't understand simple concepts and I know they are faking, I totally forgot about the whole boys vs girls dynamic of school and while I love that they girls don't put up with the boys crap I really need them to stop hitting each other, and I still have 3 more days of this crap next week."  It was just easier to say 'no, I'm not' and then he asked 'Amanda Teacher is die?' and I nod and say 'yep, Amanda teacher is die' and then I collapse on my teaching podium.  The thing is, I really do like my kids - there's just a couple that are really, really hard to manage and they are INCAPABLE of not speaking.  I get 'teaCHER' from 5 different directions, over and over because everyone wants to be first, then I get questions that I KNOW they know the answers to.  It is enough to drive a saint crazy.  My little monsters seem to sometimes be trying to kill me.  I may also eat a breakfast next Tues after my long fasting day... I'm not sure if it will help or if I should just put my coffee in an IV.

Then they do things like this and it's all better again:

 My last and favorite class on MWF decided they needed to make 'friends' who were sleepy.  Those are their big, empty jackets.

 I have them put their heads down during one part of the lesson so that they don't all just copy the smart kid, and I had to take a picture of it, because my class of 5 miraculously was a class of 10! 

 The next time I had them in class, they decided their 'friends' needed to study.

So this is what part of my class looked like...

And here they all are studying for one of their quizzes.  I have to tell you, I really enjoy teaching this class - they are just as rambunctious as some of my other ones, but I've had them for the whole year I've been teaching and so they know me best.  I have a lot of fun with them, but sometimes I've had to get after them, too.  I did tell them that if they didn't do better on some of their tests, I was going to get fired.  One of them seemed really concerned, until I smiled and told her I was only joking. 

Now J tells me that my student's test grades are not a reflection of my teaching ability and I think I really need to hold on to that.  I can only do so much, then it's up to the students and their parents as to how much they study outside class.  I was happy to have a break from grading writing notebooks for my older kids for a week.  That should make the last few days of immersion a little easier. 

Anyway, then we have the fellow teachers asking 'Are you ok?'  Which generally translates as 'I know that you're not ok, because I'm not ok, but I want to show I care by asking if you are ok, then we can commiserate and be not ok together.'  Which is sweet.  We are all dealing with so many things in such different ways - missing home, the students, the overtime, living in another country, missing our families and friends, trying to make friends, etc.  I'm starting to wonder if anyone who is living overseas can ever really say 'YES, I AM OK!'  Generally these things just become background noise in my head - but in times of stress, it all comes out. 

Sometimes I get the texts from home that ask 'are you ok?' to which the only real reply is 'NO BECAUSE I MISS YOU!!!!'  I'm so grateful for the internet and video calls and all that stuff, but it's just not the same as actually sitting in the same room.  When M&M were here, it made me laugh a couple times because we'd all be looking at something totally different on our phones, but just having their presence in the room made all the difference.  I know that I need my alone time to recharge, but I can't have another 2-month hermit without descending into madness.  So I'm going to go ahead and book the trip to Nami Island for the 22nd, then I'm going to sign up for the Daegu Lantern Festival, which looks amazing and beautiful and is in April.  In the meantime, I think a trip to Busan is in order because I MISS MY FRIEND!  That's right, D, I'm talking about you!!  ;)  I'm thinking a March trip of shenanigans and malarkey. 

Anyways... I guess the point of this is that in some ways I am ok, in others I'm not totally, but I will survive.  I'm extremely grateful for those in my life who remind me who I am and where I come from and just how badass I am.  Hehe... it's nice when someone reminds you of who you are when you've temporarily forgotten. 

In other news, the US needs to get with Korea on how easy it is to file taxes.  Holy schnikes, once we got the online banking thing to work, we were G2G - good to go!  All done online, took about 5 mins per teacher (with lots of help from A, who worked with the accountant), and now we wait for the refund. Now to see about filing in the US (eep!).