Trust is hard

So I'm sure you are all aware of the situation in Korea with the coronavirus.  There's been quite a few new cases in the last week, a few deaths, everyone is wearing masks, people are kind of freaked out, and I've been off work for (essentially) a week.  You also know that I've been trying to get a handle on one particular area of my life that I would describe as a festering cauldron of unspeakable horrors that has been on simmer and recently started to boil again, bringing all the stuff from the bottom to the top.  Well, that coupled with all this coronavirus crap has caused an emotional roller coaster that has either stalled or ended with my hearing God going "I told you that I'd take care of it" in an exasperated kind of voice that is sneakily reminiscent of Dad's.

It's been a roller coaster because all illusions of control or planning have gone out the friggin' window.  We got word that the school was closed for a day, then it was 4 days and we would work on Friday but no kids would be there.  Then we found out about how our pay would be affected.  Then we found out that we'll be closed next week, too and automatically assumed the pay situation would be the same.  Then we found out that the pay situation would not be the same but other days during the term would be affected.  With each new revelation came new emotional responses, new considerations, and I won't lie, I was thiiiiiis close to seeing how much I could get for plasma... or a kidney.  I had plan A, then plan B, then was working on plans C thru at least L while trying to also trust that it would all work out in the end.  I refused to believe that our job was gleefully waiting to take advantage of the situation to somehow ruin our lives.  My MO is generally hear the news, process, freak, recalculate the plan, stare into the unknown, be swallowed by the abyss, remember to trust in God, continue freak out, then exhausted resignation of the "whatever will be will be" variety.  It's an exhausting process.  I can't lie, I'm looking forward to having another week off to deal with emotional stuff without having to be 'teacher' during the day.

In the meantime, most of my daily prayers and meditations were about trusting in the Lord, strengthening my own faith, dealing with my issues, etc.  It seems like in the midst of feeling like my entire house of cards was falling down around me, the Lord was whispering 'Trust me, I've got you.'  My response, as ever, was something like 'Ok, but how?' or 'I don't believe you, let me see what I can do.'  When we found out today what the plan was and how it changed what our days off for the coming term were, I could almost swear I heard Him chuckle in a 'see, I TOLD you so' kind of manner.  Not surprisingly, it's always my dad's chuckle I hear in those moments.  On the one hand, I trust in the Lord, on the other hand I want to be in charge, I want to know what is going to happen.  I'm pretty good at figuring out what people are going to do - that's a bit of a gift of the Holy Spirit, I think - but when I think my life is spiraling out of my control (shriek with hysterical laughter) I don't like not knowing what I can do.  On the one hand, I know it's all an illusion of control but I hold on to that illusion with every single fiber of my being.

If you are wondering, the ability to message my counselor has proven to be a huge asset.  I like that she is also of a religious mind set.  It's nice to tell her basically this same thing and have her come back with a 'yeah, he does that sometimes, doesn't he' response.  I hate to say it because "I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me 'everything's gonna be alright'" (Uncle Kracker) but I will be alright.  No need to sell plasma, kidney, or anything else (ahem, oldest profession) any time soon.

Anyway, I like to think of God as an indulgent father that sometimes just looks at us with eyes full of love and goes 'I know you can't always see it, but in some small moments I'm going to show you how I hold you in the palm of my hand and at those times I love you all the more.'  Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Also, I've been engaging in some retail therapy, so here's my new jacket that I've been told a) looks amazing b) makes me look like I'm from the Matrix and I think c) needs a pair of red heels to go with it.

 It's not really warm, but it's cute and I love it.  So the other day I went shopping with S and his friend M (my friend too now, maybe, who knows, I'm in a weird mental space and I'm not sure I made a very good impression) to a bunch of vintage shops.  I found out that band t-shirts are HORRIBLY overpriced for a 'vintage' store (169000 won for a USED Metallica shirt?!?), but I also found this lovely zip-up hoodie.

Turns out I've been missing having the ability to just grab and zip instead of grab and pull over.  I'm also at the weird stage of weight loss where I think my head is too big for my body... sigh.  I also found a couple places that sell lip rings... I'VE GOT MY SPIKIES BACK!  LOL - also they are WAY cheaper here, which is nice.  It was also a fairly warmer day today, so I was able to air out my apt (both windows open, gives the air a chance to move).  With no work planned for another week, I'm looking into some fun interactive museums and such in Seoul.  I also have a haircut planned for Tues.  Don't worry, I'll wear my mask, carry my hand sanitizer, and avoid getting close to people.