My before and after pix... I wanted to be as similar as possible:
This is not about that. This is about growing up fat in a culture that is obsessed with being thin. I've mentioned before that I was a fat, smart, bookish, Catholic kid in a school where being fat, smart, or bookish (and not going to the same church as the majority of other kids) was a recipe for being bullied. I don't know why the other kids decided to make my life hell, I just know that it was. In elementary school, I couldn't trust any of them because I'd overhear my supposed 'friends' talking about me behind my back on the playground. I learned at a very early age just how shallow and false people can be in order to be admired by their peers. I've told my mom before that I'm glad we grew up before the internet because if those people had been able to reach me at home, I would have been a pre-teen suicide. I remember coming up to my locker and hearing the guy who had one next to mine talking about me... he apologized later and I remember thinking 'You aren't sorry for what you said, you are sorry that you got caught.' I remember being at a middle school dance and overhearing some of the girls trying to get one of the more popular boys to dance with me. One of the boys replied 'not even if you paid me $20.' PE class was a special circle of Hell all through school. We had to run a mile for whatever reason, and I remember one guy making a big deal about every time he 'lapped' (passed) me. I found a bit of my voice by high school when someone tried to get me to cry over being fat and I looked at him and said 'You think that crap still works? Get some new material.' I briefly had a boyfriend when I was 13 and he was 15 and that was the first I ever knew that guys could be quite nice. I might even still have a teddy bear he gave me... anyway, on with my story. I got a job at 16 working at K-mart in the next town and something wonderful happened - I made new friends. Friends who didn't know about my status as a social pariah in my own school. Friends who had no preconceived ideas about me, it was like a fresh start. At my school I was 'Amanda Short' but at work, I was just 'Mandi.'
Through all of this, I was a fat kid. I had the school counselor 'helping' me by taking me on walks around the town. The best part of those walks was that I was alone (ish, I mean, she was there too but I was away from the people making my life hell). I had people on all sides telling me that if I just worked out, dieted, lost weight, stopped being so smart, stopped reading all the time, etc, I would be more popular. All I had to do was become what everyone else was and I'd finally be accepted. What BS that would have been. The fact is, we were the new family in town. We didn't have a ranch, we didn't raise cows, we didn't raise horses, we didn't grow anything, we went to a different church, we hadn't lived there for 3 generations - we were outsiders. As I've grown, I've always had that feeling of being the 'other' - and I think I'm still searching for acceptance. However, I'm not willing to compromise who I am in order to have shallow friendships. I will be accepted for who I am or not at all.
The flip side of this is being where I was and growing up as I did, I never felt equipped for dealing with the dating world. I was honestly happy for any attention, no matter where it came from (old guys, married guys, guys my age, drunk guys, etc.). None of my 'relationships' ever really lasted because I was also terrified of the prospect of getting married and being stuck so I only dated assholes. That's right, I dated guys that I knew were crap so that I could break up with them and not feel bad about it.
I don't want to turn this into a rundown of my past relationships because what brought all this on was an article on Yahoo about Kate's storyline on 'This is us.' I don't watch that show, but apparently part of her story is her struggle with romantic relationships due to being fat. Let's face it, EVERYTHING we see in our culture is a celebration of being thin. Thin people sell us on diet trends, food, entertainment... the list goes on and on. We're told if we get thin (and/or fit - guys have to deal with this too, I know, but I can't write from their perspective) we'll get everything we ever wanted. According to WAY too many teen movies, if we are already thin, we just need a makeover. We are constantly told to be thin is to be happy, prosperous, loved by all. It's such a toxic bunch of crap. Part of what I've been dealing with and have written about before is dealing with increased attention as I've lost more weight. And part of what makes online dating so addicting is being matched with guys who I think are WAY more attractive than me.
I'm not sure, but I think that was the start of my descent into the hole I'm trying to get out of. Yes, it was fun being matched with guys who I found incredibly attractive, and fit, online. Yet I wasn't at all prepared for the realities of modern dating. I also wanted these guys to get to know me as a person - and it seems that wasn't reciprocated. If I met up with a guy and then he never messaged again, I'd go though the list of what might be wrong with me (the 'too' list, if you will). If something fizzled out over time, I went deep into the 'why am I not good enough' tunnel. I still feel like I should be grateful for any attention I receive, like these guys are getting some kind of brownie points for even talking to the former fat girl (who is still considered 'thick' apparently... sigh). On the one hand, I know that I'm a kick-ass woman who does just fine on her own, but on the other hand there is a hurt, sad, fat little girl who is still inside and needs to be healed. That's why I need the counseling - how do I heal the girl I once was? How do I stop being pathetically grateful for any attention and start demanding the right kind of attention?
Our culture still tries to make you believe that being thin or being fit will make everything better. Even my older sister reminded me of that by telling me that I should be happy because I lost all that weight. (The subtext of the convo was something like 'how can you be so down when you should be flying high on the weight loss?') Our culture is BS. I do IF because it works for me, the benefits of fasting are incredible, sometimes I'm too lazy to figure out what to eat, and it's a good excuse for being a food snob. It's also one type of 'diet' that doesn't involve crazy supplements, food restrictions, vilifying any particular food group, or anything else that usually goes along with a 'diet.' However, dealing with the emotional and social aspects of losing weight has been super stressful. There's an episode of Friends where Monica goes out with a popular boy from her high school and she says 'The fat girl inside of me really, really wants this.' I didn't get it then, but I get it now. The fat, unpopular girl you were never leaves - no matter how far away from home you travel, no matter how much weight you end up losing, no matter how different you are now than what you were - she affects every aspect of your life. (Suddenly I have an idea for a pseudo-horror film, but I digress.) I am hoping to get to a place where I simply remember how much it hurt to be her, how she deserved better, and how far she has come. Maybe I'll even get to the point where I'm not terrified of getting married. It would be really nice to have a healthy relationship some day... some day.
Also, I miss all of you!!
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