Terminology is important

So my counselor had me fill out a worksheet about my 'triggers' then casually mentioned that I didn't really do it right.  I knew that I didn't, because I don't think in terms of 'triggers.'  When I was talking to S, I figured out why.  To me, a 'trigger' is something that causes an automatic reaction.  If I have an automatic reaction caused by a 'trigger' it's because of a deeper issue that has been building slowly over time. For me, it makes more sense to talk about the snowflakes that are innocently falling on a mountain until one lands in the wrong place and the whole side of the mountain slides down in a devastating avalanche.  (I also like the avalanche metaphor better than the 'repression' that Jess and Ana usually call me out on - repression is an act of will, avalanches are 'triggered' by otherwise inconsequential events when conditions are right.)

Have I noticed this before?  Yes, of course.  I'll snap at someone who doesn't deserve it because I'm pissed about something else.  I'll have a totally over-the-top reaction to something that doesn't warrant that much of a reaction because of the stress that's been building over time.  I think this last event was caused by a combination of feeling disrespected by the kids, being told one thing and then another at work, feeling like no one would listen to me if I wanted to talk, going along with people when I really didn't want to and then feeling manipulated by them, the dumpster fire that is trying to date from a shallow pool of English speakers, and how all these events picked away at existing insecurities until I felt like I was basically a mummy wrapped in razor wire bandages (it's an apt visualization of my emotional state).  So how am I now?  Well, I think the razor wire is gone.  Or if it's still around, it's not touching me anymore - like it's gone from wrapping me like a mummy to going to a shell-like protective structure while I try to heal.  I am hoping to get the tools to cut the wire and leave it behind.  The good news is that my counselor even said that I sound more upbeat and positive than I did - I'm coming back ;)

How does one deal with the small things throughout the months to keep things from blowing up when most of this crap is happening at a subconscious level?  I guess you have to bring it to the conscious level, don't you?  In order to do that, I'll need to spend more time in silence... no netflix, no music, no books - just me and God.  That is something that I've been avoiding for a long time... probably part of the reason why the avalanche built so big.  I am really looking forward to when the cathedral is open again and churches go back to their usual schedules.  I need to go to confession, then Mass, then spend some time in adoration.  Jesus is a healer, after all.

Thanks to all who have reached out, thanks to all who have said some prayers for me, and all who have been silent cheerleaders.  I love you tons and I can't say thank you enough.  I'm sorry if I've caused you any pain in the past, and I thank you for not giving up on me.

On an unrelated note, F8 by Five Finger Death Punch is a really good album. :)  I've been listening to a lot of Demon Hunter (Christian heavy metal) as well.

And now for something COMPLETELY different... look at what I found on the streets of Dongtan!!!

I may have a new dream car ;)