Weddings Bring out the Crazy

I've written about the wedding industry before, now I'd like to address how weddings (and funerals) can bring out the best (or worst) in people.

I've seen things online about "bridezillas" (who hasnt) and I determined I didn't want to be one. It's easy, from the outside, to judge the freak out. However, I have more sympathy for them now that I've been planning my own wedding. Unsolicited advice, "visions" of the day, and misunderstandings of "who" someone is and what they'd want can cause someone to freak out from the stress. All the decisions, researching vendors, making sure people are fed, boozed up (or have the option for it), and knowing that EVERY aspect of the day will be judged is a LOT to deal with. Then you add the societal, familial, and monetary pressures, the fact that your life will change (perhaps drastically) following this one day, and the mini-aggressions of well meaning (I hope) friends and family, and without a decent coping mechanism you are doomed to be, even for a moment, a bridezilla. 

I refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser, so focusing on what J and I want versus what our guests expect has been a little tough at times. We won't have the usual party things: no dj, no set schedule of dances and speeches, no formal sit-down dinner with place settings, a 5-course meal, a huge cake, and ubers for all at the end of the night. We also can't invite everyone who expects to be invited. That sucks. I'd love to have all my family and friends there, as well as all his family and friends, and frankly it's just not feasible. I feel awful that I couldn't invite everyone, but honestly much more than who we already invited would stress me out more. Then logistics... I'd love to be able to be everyone's travel agent but I can't. I simply can't. I trust everyone to find their way and their stay. I can't wait to see everybody, and I also know that I'm not going to get nearly enough time with all of you. It makes me sad, but it is what it is. I'm grateful to all of you and as I put on the website: if you live in TX and want to come celebrate, please join us for the bar crawl. If you don't live in TX and want to see us, let's make travel plans! Your lack of invite is not a lack of love, I promise you. And I couldn't, in good conscience, invite people in the hope they wouldn't come but would get us gifts. Apparently that's a thing and frankly I'm appalled by it. We are having a wedding because we want to celebrate finding each other and starting a new chapter in our lives, and we want to celebrate with some family and friends. We are not having a wedding just so people will buy us things. So, yeah. There's that.

Speaking of such things it was really weird doing the registry. I mean, it's kind of like going to a big store that's obviously geared toward appealing to everyone, so nothing is particularly "different" or "weird" (read: appealing to us). I've already been told that it looked like a generic registry for a generic couple and... yeah... there wasn't much else to choose from! We have discussed an Amazon registry with a Gothic cat tree, Texas themed bathroom stuff, and more Addams-themed decor, but since we are also both moving and one of us is now sans wifi, it's a little difficult! Besides, I gave up Amazon for Lent, so... there's that, too. I added Etsy to that list as well and still found myself on bloomchic. I've learned that by not online shopping, I don't do ANY shopping... outside of grocery stores, anyway.

So I guess what I'm saying is please, be kind to us. We are doing our best to make it a good day for all involved. The dress code is church (because we are getting married in a church) casual (because afterward we are going to an arcade). If people want to come in ball gowns, great. If you wanna come in Pjs... I mean, at least put on some jeans or leggings or something. We aren't doing a full Mass, so that will cut down on some of the Catholic Calisthenics (sit 2, 3, kneel 2, 3, stand 2, 3). But we are going to an arcade, so while there will be places to sit, you may end up playing pinball for 30 mins (so fun), so comfy footwear is a good idea. We want people to be comfy. No Dj, but there will be music playing, so if you really wanna get your groove on, be my guest! We will also have a QR code so everyone can share the photos they take that day, tho we will ask no one take pix during the ceremony. We will have a photographer for that. Someone will likely have their phone out, but that's cuz my grandparents want a video. At the end of all of this, J and I will be married. That's whats truly important. We also know that those who love us will be there in spirit. 

So, as we enter the final stretch before the craziness of the wedding week, please keep all opinions to yourself unless expressly asked "what do you think of ...." If you have advice or ideas, please route them through one of the ladies of power. I'm officially withdrawing to focus on Js move, my housesitting gig coming up (at the sheep, cows, peacocks, and dog house), Easter, and party favors. As the week of gets closer, I'll have to create a schedule for myself to keep track of everything, but for now I'm living in the moment. I'm so excited to see what the future will bring and to have my honey move into our place. The table is being delivered on Monday. Woot!

Also, I'm a wuss in downtown areas. I HATE driving in the city sometimes.

Good beers.

big ass pretzle

Buffalo chicken Flatbread

2nd brewery

we cute

bbq

armadillo egg

You know, a big apartment is really kind of lonely when it's just me. Ah well, it's only for a few more days. Then I'll be out housesitting, J will move in, and I'll come home to a man and a kitty cat!! Hehe. Thanks for sticking with me, friends. I highly recommend Westlake Brewing company if you find yourself in Deep Ellum and can find parking 😁

Moving is a Pain!

We did it. We looked, we applied for, and we got our first apartment. We are totally gonna move in together. EEEEEP!!! I'm going to live not only with another human (it's been since... what... 2014 or so since I've had a roomie), but with my husband!! I've never had a hubby roomie before! This is gonna be a trip! We did get a special for moving in, which will help our bank accounts because moving is EXPENSIVE! And we also decided to get movers cuz I'm moving from a 2nd floor apt to a 3rd floor, he's moving from 1st to 3rd, so we need help. They came on the 22nd for me.

My bit... laundry and closet.

This is 100% the BEST way to move your closet. Also, the washer and dryer work, and the fridge is stocked with things from my fridge (the stuff that isn't expired, anyway). 

The chocolate drawer is see thru... this is bad juju.

We also got the last bits all done to get married in the church. The pre Cana class has been really interesting. The communication training on "safe space conversations" was fascinating. Like, person 1 says something then person 2 has to repeat that back to them, ask if they got it right and then ask "is there more." You also have to sit knee to knee. It's to ensure that what is being said is truly being received and trying to get to the core of an issue. J and I pretty much had implemented our own rules for discussions, which kind of matches the rules for proposing: well rested, sober, and not in bed. Lol. The financial stuff is interesting too because I know I get weird about budgeting since I believe that's part of why my parents divorced. One thing I know I'm going to insist on is going thru our budget together, and probably doing a financial check in fairly often in the beginning, then going to yearly when we both feel comfortable doing that. We have decided a dollar limit on purchasing an item without discussing it first. Neither of us want to police the other, and we are trying to make sure we anticipate certain issues. We know we can't prepare for everything, but it's good to know we are on the same page for a lot of things.

One of the things that just happened... I found my first white shower hair. You know shower hair, right? The strands that come out when you are washing your hair. Sometimes you let them fall, lately I've been making art out of them on the wall, then throwing it away once the shower is done. Well, I had trouble finding one of the hairs on my hand, put it on the wall, and couldn't see it. My first white shower hair. So I'm not crazy, I have been seeing hairs lighter than my dishwater blonde. I'm 100% ready for them all to go white... as long as they continue to grow! Hehe. 

Js friends had a joint bday party for 3 who have bdays in march. Much fun. Before we went there, we went to velvet taco and then Nebraska Furniture mart.

SOOOOOO Yummy

they have a wine bar in the store!!!

we found our kitchen table!!!

It's crazy to me that we are actually moving in together and getting married and everything!!! I'm planning on a bath later, it's going to be AMAZING.

The Societal Quandry

I see a lot of things online about different countries declining birth rates, and the coming crisis when the elderly out number the working class. I've seen how politicians try to incentivize couples to encourage them to have children (most of that is from South Korean news sources), and I'm struck by the sheer... lack of awareness, I think. These people are wringing their hands going "what went wrong?!" and blaming feminism, or straight up blaming women, shaming them for not wanting to be mothers while also promoting the societal pressures that (at best) make motherhood undesirable and (at worst) demonize those who do choose to have children. 

Writing from the perspective of a Catholic who has never really wanted children, but who is about to married, so has been inundated the past month with the belief that children are a blessing (not a burden) and family life is holy and full of joy (not an unending miasma of despair) and the best way to live out our vocation is truly to be fruitful and multiply, I'm struck by how different that message is from the one I've been receiving all my life which is more about how children will ruin you and hate you when they are older, moms and dads are always miserable and only stay together for the sake of the children (who would really be better off if they divorced) and all of the troubles from the parents are passed down to the children so the whole miserable cycle just continues until such time as (insert apocalypse scenario here). Not only that, but had I become pregnant as a single woman I'd be considered a harlot, doomed to chasing the father for child support while also trying to care for a child, work to provide for that child, and do it all alone because "you should have used protection/kept your legs closed, had an abortion." (I am NOT disparaging single mothers, merely making a point of how they are often portrayed in media.) Meanwhile the father would be "free" to live much as he had before he helped bring a tiny human into the world (most likely by not accepting any responsibility as birth control is "the woman's job" and guys "don't like" wearing condoms).

The point I'm making is simple: when a society doesn't celebrate children and family life, it shouldn't be surprised that those who grow up in said society (and are provided with a choice), choose not to have children. I hear a lot about generational trauma and guess how people choose not to pass that on... that's right, not having anyone to pass it on TO. And I get it, entertainment about heathly relationships and happy families doesn't sell as well as entertainment about toxic relationships and unhappy families. (In fact, when I do see a show or movie with a healthy relationship its a nice breath of fresh air. Thats part of the reason i love Jaws (the movie, not the book) so much.) But we are also influenced by the media we consume, so what's the message? Mom and I have talked at length about how sitcoms with the smart woman married to the barely functioning man have damaged people's perceptions of relationships. I think those have played directly into the "Peter pan syndrome" that drove me crazy in my dating life and the "why can't he make his own damn doctors appointments" problem that EVERY married woman I've talked to has. At some point in the last century boys were told that dad either works and comes home to watch TV, or isn't around at all, so Mom takes care of everything, and then they found girlfriends and wives who took over for mom, and after a couple generations of that, they can't understand why women are TIRED. The bar for men is on the FLOOR. I told someone that after a day of being out and about I was tired when we got home so my fiance not only made us a snack, he also cleaned up the kitchen afterwards, and they were amazed! And also, of course, said "he's a keeper." He is, I'm keeping him, but if the roles were reversed would the reaction have been the same? Doubtful. I've seen "funny" quotes about how your husband will be your most troublesome and exhausting "child" and for the longest time it made me choose the single life cuz F THAT! The rise of the married, single moms? No thanks. These are the messages that society has thrown at me for my whole life, and now the Church is trying to push back to say, no, that's not the way it was meant to be and it's not the way it HAS to be, either.

My fiance once told me that he had a dream of us raising a family. It knocked me back a bit because we discussed both of us not wanting children. After 2 days of "marriage is free, total, faithful, and fruitful" I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. We would have ADORABLE babies (I hope they would have his hair). Has one month of the Catholic ideal changed my mind? No. Has it planted a seed? No, the seed was always there. Has the seed been watered? Yeah, I'd say so. Will we have babies? I'm gonna leave that up to God and pray. Right now I'm both terrified and excited about being married... I can't add high risk pregnancy, higher maternal morbidity rates, and tiny humans to the mix. 

Back to my original point. Politicians are the wrong ones to "fix" any kind of population crisis (remember overpopulation being the problem in the 70s so they pushed birth control to the point where it's prescribed for friggin everything and now, lo and behold, the crisis swang the other direction). Monetary incentives for couples merely addresses the fact that children are expensive and we live in a society where one parent generally doesn't make enough $ for the other one to stay home. It does nothing to provide the social support that parents and families need, the fact that prices keep on creeping up, or that we have planet stewardship as a thing to think of now. Know what generates LOTS of trash? Medicine and children. My initial reaction to someone telling me they are pregnant is now "is this a good thing or a bad thing" versus the "oh crap" which is what it was for all my pre-30s life. Tho in certain situations it has been a resounding "OMG, that's wonderful!!" depending on the background. 

The biggest challenge for families that I've seen is the lack of support from a society that still sees children as a burden. The options are limited: take them out to eat and suffer nasty looks from fellow diners, take them to the park and be told they are too loud, play in the back yard and get nasty comments from the neighbors. I cringe at what I see of the "child free" lifestyle because of the word "free." I feel like if I asked my friends with children if they wished they were "free" they may say something about wanting more time alone but none of them would want to be "free" from their children. Those who have a good social circle and a strong parenting partner would probably look at me like I was nuts and say they are free. That, however, is rare and THAT is the biggest barrier to people wanting children. Ask 30 year old me if the thought of a man-child husband, a toddler, and a newborn in my 2 bedroom apartment was stifling or freeing, guess what my answer would be. Now almost 40 year old me faced with the idea of a supportive, adult husband, a 3 legged kitty cat, and the possibility of a newborn... while being terrifying, it's not so stifling. I can kind of see J and I as parents... ish, kinda, I mean... its a crazy thought to entertain... we are for SURE going to figure out how to be married before we think of figuring out how to be parents... old parents, too, at this point. When is "too late?" Menopause? 

Anyways, that's my 2 cents, politicians of the world. And a bit of my own push-and-pull of motherhood vs DINK (double income, no kids) life. 😁 

Our sweet kitty bug... well, js kitty bug, I'm ready to be a cat mom, tho

We Getting Hitched!!

I realize that the name, with the pic of my bestie and I makes it look like she and I are the ones getting hitched. Lol... this is not the case... she is still married to D and I'm marrying J. Hehehe

J and i are down to just the Pre Cana class and getting our marriage license! Oh, and a little piece of paperwork. Well, 2 pieces of paperwork. But it's happening!! 

By the way, I think some bridezillas are too maligned. Yes, some take the idea of the "perfect" wedding too far and make outlandish demands, and are rightly maligned. However, I've felt my 'bridezilla' meter swing a little too far at times, and now I understand more of why all the stress sometimes boils over. We have all these things that need done: venue, reception, food, drink, hair, makeup, accommodations, invites, registry, and so on and so forth. We have to decide on every detail, big or small, then there's the questions and opinions that come from all different directions. Some are legit, some not so much. And EVERYONE has an opinion, and they ALL want to tell you what THEY think. As a recovering people pleaser, it's exhausting. I'm rapidly reaching a place called 'decision fatigue.' I'm so, so tired of deciding things that from now until after the honeymoon, I'm done. I've made all the decisions I intend to make. I've put down all the deposits, I've noted when the remainders are due, I've done all I can to ensure a pleasant day will be had by all, and that's it. Any questions or opinions are now to be routed thru one of the ladies of power, my fiancé, or my good friend A. I think we have arrived at a good mix of traditional and non-traditional events, we have kept the details very honest to my man and myself, and as for the registry, it is so weird making a public wish list but I think we did a fairly decent job! Do I really expect a fancy kitchen aid mixer? No. Would I like one? Heck yeah! We are trying to figure out how to link an Amazon one to the wedding site... stay tuned. If you want to know how to find the wedding site you can either search our names on Zola or reach out and I'll send you the link. For real, tho, give the bride a break if you have a question that Google or someone else can answer. My older sister is SUPER ready to be my question screener, so please ask her things before you ask me. 

And the thing is, we don't have half of the other moving parts that other people do! Our venue is handling food, drink, music, and entertainment! Our friends have flower and baking skills. My besties mom is amazing at making bows for the pews at the church! This is the most low-key, relaxed wedding I've been a part of and I still have wanted to throw my phone against the wall sometimes! It's a big event, but it's also a life event for me. I'm joining my life to someone else and trying to figure that out at the same time as trying to plan the event! And a move. It's a lot. So please be patient with me if I get snappy or emotional or just disappear for a weekend because I'm overwhelmed. I'm doing the best I can and I've got no real frame of reference or coping mechanisms to fall back on. 

Ok, that's all the wedding talk. Except to say I had a make up trial that went great, so yay! My bestie came in this weekend for the Fall Out Boy concert, which was a blast. The drunk dude next to us told us that we are so "wholesome" cuz we made a quick little video of us singing along to "ironic" by Alanis between band sets. (We have agreed its just an "us" video.) Jimmy eat world was fun as an opener, and The Maine (from Phoenix) were fun, too. The next day we did the make up trial and then met up with J for food and ended up on a little bar crawl. Then she went to her hotel and we came home. Saturday j and I did some errands and hung out with the kitty. Then Sunday I met up with my bestie again before she headed home. It was a good weekend, and now I've got to actually start packing. LOL.

FOB!

super entertaining.

We cute! And yes, that's the makeup day.

love this lady

Walking around (J gave me his hoodie when it got cold)

cinnamon roll pizzookie from Sat

hanging with the kitty

bye bye brunch

So yeah, things are proceeding. I'm getting some RSVPs back already, and have confirmed all the readings and prayers for the ceremony (it's not a full Mass, so less Catholic calisthenics for everyone). Much love to all, and please know we'd love to have you with us if we could!!! Hugs, MUAH! 😘😘

Ah, the wedding industry

Did you know that the average cost of a wedding on 2023 was $35,000? I mean... that's a lot. Does that seem like a lot? It seems like a lot. Now we, we will be coming in under that. But I can SO see how easy it would be to get up to the $35,000. Between wanting to give your guests a fancy, classy experience to buying into all the hoopla and extras, it wouldn't take long. Heck, most photographers I was looking at on Zola STARTED at $2000. I knew before we started this process that I was against anything from The Knot (allegations of less-than-stellar business practices notwithstanding) because I felt like they feed into the wedding machine. I am sorry to say that I did use them for my invitations because they were the only place that offered all-in-one. Invitation, RSPV, and envelope all on one convenient paper. Even USPS friendly! No more than a normal stamp! So, there's that. But otherwise we are using Zola for our website and registry, and FB has been helpful in finding hair and makeup people. The photographer I found on Zola, so that's one other thing. J wanted the reception at an arcade and MAN that is BRILLIANT! We are renting out the place, they can take care of food and beverages, so less moving parts for us to keep track of. He knows an exquisite baker and my bestie just happens to make GORGEOUS wood flower arrangements, so we are good there, too. Things are coming together quite well.

The thing about the wedding industry that I don't agree with is just that... it's the WEDDING industry. So much emphasis is put on making it the perfect day, perfect flowers, perfect decor, perfect food, perfect guests, perfect day. I've been in a lot of weddings and I gotta say, its never perfect. It can be lovely, but something always goes haywire. There is also so much pressure to do things THIS way because that's TRADITION and it's ALWAYS been done like THIS. The bride wears white because Queen Elizabeth did it and we all want to emulate royalty, right? We do cake cutting because we need pix of it. So many things revolve around pix, which is great, but at some point we wont wanna be paparazzied anymore. Some traditions we will keep, some we will modify, and some we will break. No speeches, no garter toss, no flower toss, no cake cutting. We will institute a new tradition of reception Mortal Combat tournament, winner to take on the groom! 

Back to the wedding industry being problematic. There's so much focus on the wedding that the marriage is often overshadowed or forgotten until the honeymoon phase wears off and the couple realize that they are stuck together. One thing I will say for us Catholics is that they really do their best to prepare you for that. Between marriage prep classes, Questionnaires, and meetings with a sponsor couple, they want you to remember that you're committing to this person for LIFE. So when you don't like them, when you can't stand them, when they drive you crazy... you still choose to love them. I'm glad I'm getting married later in life because I think I understand that concept better now than I could have in my 20s. Do we already drive each other a little crazy? Oh yeah. Have we had conflict? Yup. Have we worked thru it? Yes, with mutual respect. I do love this man, and I'm going to choose to love him every day. I believe he feels the same about me. This is the man I will build a life with, a man who will be a partner, confidant, co-creator of shenanigans and malarkey, adopter of all black and special needs kitty cats, maker of excellent foods, and love of my life. The wedding will be awesome, I'm super excited for the ceremony, reception, and after party. But the marriage... that's what I'm really looking forward to. No returns or exchanges, for forever and a day. 

I'm happy we are keeping things small, even though I'd love to have all my extended family there. I had a giggle thinking we'd have representatives from each "clan" present. I'm looking forward to celebrating our love and commitment to each other, in a way that is true to our personalities. 

I am SO ready to move from my current apartment. I came home on Thursday after a meeting at the church to find my whole bathroom had flooded, the carpet in my bedroom was SATURATED. I had to take all of my CLEAN towels (I'd washed them 2 weeks ago) to soak up all the water, and I found out that plumbing issues are not considered an "emergency" at my apt complex. So I had to sleep on my couch as my fans tried to continue to dry my carpet. I called and left a message regarding the issue, put in a work order the next day, and went to the laundromat to wash all my towels again. Thankfully they fixed the toilet while I was gone, but DAMN! I can't wait to move into the nicer apt, in a place where I won't need to use the toll road, and with my hubby and the kitty. There's even a cute independent coffee shop down the road, a park with hiking trails, and an HEB (IYKYK). 

Trying to find stress relief in a muffin and Vietnamese coffee 

We met with the sponsor couple on Friday and finished the whole thing in 1 go! So we are good to go on that front. Now we just have the NFP classes, and pre Cana class to go! I'm waiting on my baptismal certificate, and his family has some paperwork to fill out, but we should be 100% good to go for April 26 wedding!! Kinda weird that the diocese can still say "no," but it is what it is. I'm feeling confident and relaxed that we will get married, people will be there for it, and we can start our lives together. 😁

On Sunday A and I met up at the Smoke House off i-20 (across from New York hill) and OMG!!! The food was amazing, the portions were TX sized, and the weather was fantastic! They are also open longer on Sundays so we didn't feel rushed to leave.

Fried mushrooms... the pic is upside-down... no clue what is going on with the blogger.

salad with Italian dressing

chicken tenders with sweet potato fries. Again, upside down. Smh. I ate 2 tenders and took 2 home for lunches during the week.

a had chicken fried chicken and a baked potato... pic still upside down. Lol.

it was a beautiful day.