Writing from the perspective of a Catholic who has never really wanted children, but who is about to married, so has been inundated the past month with the belief that children are a blessing (not a burden) and family life is holy and full of joy (not an unending miasma of despair) and the best way to live out our vocation is truly to be fruitful and multiply, I'm struck by how different that message is from the one I've been receiving all my life which is more about how children will ruin you and hate you when they are older, moms and dads are always miserable and only stay together for the sake of the children (who would really be better off if they divorced) and all of the troubles from the parents are passed down to the children so the whole miserable cycle just continues until such time as (insert apocalypse scenario here). Not only that, but had I become pregnant as a single woman I'd be considered a harlot, doomed to chasing the father for child support while also trying to care for a child, work to provide for that child, and do it all alone because "you should have used protection/kept your legs closed, had an abortion." (I am NOT disparaging single mothers, merely making a point of how they are often portrayed in media.) Meanwhile the father would be "free" to live much as he had before he helped bring a tiny human into the world (most likely by not accepting any responsibility as birth control is "the woman's job" and guys "don't like" wearing condoms).
The point I'm making is simple: when a society doesn't celebrate children and family life, it shouldn't be surprised that those who grow up in said society (and are provided with a choice), choose not to have children. I hear a lot about generational trauma and guess how people choose not to pass that on... that's right, not having anyone to pass it on TO. And I get it, entertainment about heathly relationships and happy families doesn't sell as well as entertainment about toxic relationships and unhappy families. (In fact, when I do see a show or movie with a healthy relationship its a nice breath of fresh air. Thats part of the reason i love Jaws (the movie, not the book) so much.) But we are also influenced by the media we consume, so what's the message? Mom and I have talked at length about how sitcoms with the smart woman married to the barely functioning man have damaged people's perceptions of relationships. I think those have played directly into the "Peter pan syndrome" that drove me crazy in my dating life and the "why can't he make his own damn doctors appointments" problem that EVERY married woman I've talked to has. At some point in the last century boys were told that dad either works and comes home to watch TV, or isn't around at all, so Mom takes care of everything, and then they found girlfriends and wives who took over for mom, and after a couple generations of that, they can't understand why women are TIRED. The bar for men is on the FLOOR. I told someone that after a day of being out and about I was tired when we got home so my fiance not only made us a snack, he also cleaned up the kitchen afterwards, and they were amazed! And also, of course, said "he's a keeper." He is, I'm keeping him, but if the roles were reversed would the reaction have been the same? Doubtful. I've seen "funny" quotes about how your husband will be your most troublesome and exhausting "child" and for the longest time it made me choose the single life cuz F THAT! The rise of the married, single moms? No thanks. These are the messages that society has thrown at me for my whole life, and now the Church is trying to push back to say, no, that's not the way it was meant to be and it's not the way it HAS to be, either.
My fiance once told me that he had a dream of us raising a family. It knocked me back a bit because we discussed both of us not wanting children. After 2 days of "marriage is free, total, faithful, and fruitful" I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. We would have ADORABLE babies (I hope they would have his hair). Has one month of the Catholic ideal changed my mind? No. Has it planted a seed? No, the seed was always there. Has the seed been watered? Yeah, I'd say so. Will we have babies? I'm gonna leave that up to God and pray. Right now I'm both terrified and excited about being married... I can't add high risk pregnancy, higher maternal morbidity rates, and tiny humans to the mix.
Back to my original point. Politicians are the wrong ones to "fix" any kind of population crisis (remember overpopulation being the problem in the 70s so they pushed birth control to the point where it's prescribed for friggin everything and now, lo and behold, the crisis swang the other direction). Monetary incentives for couples merely addresses the fact that children are expensive and we live in a society where one parent generally doesn't make enough $ for the other one to stay home. It does nothing to provide the social support that parents and families need, the fact that prices keep on creeping up, or that we have planet stewardship as a thing to think of now. Know what generates LOTS of trash? Medicine and children. My initial reaction to someone telling me they are pregnant is now "is this a good thing or a bad thing" versus the "oh crap" which is what it was for all my pre-30s life. Tho in certain situations it has been a resounding "OMG, that's wonderful!!" depending on the background.
The biggest challenge for families that I've seen is the lack of support from a society that still sees children as a burden. The options are limited: take them out to eat and suffer nasty looks from fellow diners, take them to the park and be told they are too loud, play in the back yard and get nasty comments from the neighbors. I cringe at what I see of the "child free" lifestyle because of the word "free." I feel like if I asked my friends with children if they wished they were "free" they may say something about wanting more time alone but none of them would want to be "free" from their children. Those who have a good social circle and a strong parenting partner would probably look at me like I was nuts and say they are free. That, however, is rare and THAT is the biggest barrier to people wanting children. Ask 30 year old me if the thought of a man-child husband, a toddler, and a newborn in my 2 bedroom apartment was stifling or freeing, guess what my answer would be. Now almost 40 year old me faced with the idea of a supportive, adult husband, a 3 legged kitty cat, and the possibility of a newborn... while being terrifying, it's not so stifling. I can kind of see J and I as parents... ish, kinda, I mean... its a crazy thought to entertain... we are for SURE going to figure out how to be married before we think of figuring out how to be parents... old parents, too, at this point. When is "too late?" Menopause?
Anyways, that's my 2 cents, politicians of the world. And a bit of my own push-and-pull of motherhood vs DINK (double income, no kids) life. 😁
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