It's upon us again, friends. I have some thoughts that I'd like to share because I think this whole 'cleaning out my emotional wounds' thing is going to really suck and the reason is because sometimes we think that others do things intentionally when really there's no intention behind their behaviors.
I just had my first session, and in it my counselor was talking about my coping mechanisms (she was excited when I told her I was giving up drinking for Lent) and the way she was talking it seemed like she assumed I was aware of what I was feeling when I would utilize the coping mechanism. The thing is, I hardly ever have thoughts such as 'I'm feeling depressed, I'd like to get wasted' or 'I'm so annoyed right now, I'll drive really fast and listen to Slipknot' or 'everything is just too much to process, I'm going to escape into Netflix and kill a few hours' I've never really given credence to my feelings so my behaviors flow from from my unconscious self trying to deal with things my conscious self never recognizes. I guess part of this process is going to be realizing consciously what my un or sub-conscious already knows. My friend T asked me yesterday if I was ready to face myself... I don't think I totally realized what he meant until now. He also reminded me that what I'm trying to deal with didn't happen as 'a single, easy to wrap up event' which was incredibly helpful. My counselor today told me not to beat myself up about not reaching out sooner because the truth is that I could have waited a LOT longer to deal with things and that helped a lot, too. I was beating myself up about this - why wait when this could have been handled years ago? Truth is, I don't know that I would have been ready to handle it then... I'm not totally sure I'm ready to handle it now... but it's time.
On that note, thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have reached out since my last post. I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the lights in my darkness. I know that most of you want to help, but just knowing that you are behind me, rooting me on is enough. And you know, when I see you I'm going to give you HUGE HUGS!!!
One thing about it, having most of the week off due to Coronavirus gives a person plenty of time to think. In fact, I think today that I will put on real clothes and venture outside for a bit. The sun is out, and while it's not totally warm by any means, it is at least not raining. I've hermited for... about 4 days now (not including grocery shopping on Mon) and I think I need to be around people while I try to figure out what emotions and external stimuli cause my self-destructive behavior. I don't know if this is good juju or not, but at least now I realize that people would show up at my funeral whereas in high school I was convinced it would be just my mom and dad (sisters cuz they'd have to be there). Oh gallows humor... a last refuge when talking about extremely serious things. Also an illustration of how long I've had these tendencies... and no worries if you never realized, I'm (generally) good at hiding what's inside. I think another part of what is going to make this so hard is that I can't intentionally hide things from the counselor if I really want to get better / let her help me.
So yeah, I just wanted to share some of that with you... Dad mentioned that the more honest I am on here, the better he can direct his prayers for me - for anyone else whom that is true for, thank you. I have a feeling the prayers of others have played a huge role in how the Lord eventually hits me to wake me up. Probably also helps him decide what kind of lumber to use - 2x4? 4x6? 6x8? How stubborn is this Short/Arnett person being at the moment?! Hehe.
Anyway, I hope the rest of your weeks go well. I also hope that you have a holy Lent. Remember the 3 components of a holy Lent - fasting, prayer, and almsgiving. Just be careful of the almsgiving - I'm on a LOT of charity's lists due to ONE donation. (Sorry for all the junk mail, Mom.) Thanks again to all who read this/reached out/support me from far away. I love and miss all of you - from your beautiful mess of a friend/sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece. MUAH! :*
No comments:
Post a Comment