I've mentioned before that I've been super stressed about things that are out of my control. To share, one of the biggest things that I'm stressed about and trying not to think about is coming home without a job. Yes, I've been looking online. Yes, the times are uncertain because of Covid. Yes, there's only so much I can control. I know all these things, and I am also saving $ for when I come home. I've got it figured that I should be able to come home with about the same amount that I had saved before I left. That should be enough to get me a decent enough vehicle, and I can work while looking for other work as well. All that being said, I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to all those back home who are willing to open their homes and hearts to a homeless vagabond coming home from Korea. I love and miss all of you so much and I do not intend to be a bum forever. I mentioned in a video message to my bestie that maybe I'll have a career by 40... yikes.
My intention in writing all this is to get it out of my system, but I'm not sure it's working as I sit here and my stress levels go thru the roof. I'm also 26 hrs into a 47 hour fast tho, so that could be contributing to the stress I'm already feeling. I'm also down a rabbit hole of 90's alternative songs, which has been helping my mental state. I know it's regressing to a time that was easier, but doesn't make it any less effective. I'll come thru this, I'll come home and find a job and again be a functioning member of society - it's just while I'm waiting for the time to be able to do that, I'll sometimes be a ball of stress and freak out. Historically speaking, I've always thrived. Going to school in OH, moving to TX, running away to Europe, coming back to TX, coming to Korea - it's always worked out. There is no reason to think that this time I'll end up totally screwed. There's just always that fraidy cat voice in the head. Any life change comes with lots of stress, right? Doesn't mean that it's not good or going to be terrible - just means that things are unknown and trust has to happen. There's also a bit of the waiting - J and I talked about that. Basically we're ready for things to happen so that other things can happen and we're both struggling with waiting for the starting pistol. LOL - anticipation of the start of the new chapter can rob you of enjoying the end of the current chapter. We've both got to be able to enjoy the last few months of Korea before starting the next bit.
Now I'd like to give a shout out to AL who knows me REALLY well. We have been emailing back and forth about my misadventures in dating and she pointed out that if a guy were to move too fast, I'd be the one to pump the brakes. That just happened so congrats to her for being 100% right. I talked on the phone and had a 2 hour walk with W. Yesterday we were supposed to meet up (I was fasting that day) and I asked him what he was wanting to do. He suggested we cook together, I told him that I would be fasting and therefore not cooking so we could take another walk. Yesterday he asked if I still wanted him to come over and I told him no, it has been a stressful week and I was in a doom and destruction mindset, can we take a rain check. He said yes initially then asked about what my longest relationship was. I told him just shy of a year and that was in college. I then told him that I had taken an 8 year break from dating and had just started getting back into it about 2-3 years ago. He asked if I was scared to date. I told him no, but I am trying to break certain habits so I subject myself to intense scrutiny. After a few more messages he said that he thought I was not exactly ready for a boyfriend at this time. He was really sweet and said he hopes I meet someone when I am ready. It was the most amiable and honest parting of the ways I've ever had. So AL is right, I'm at the point where I really want to date. To go out with multiple guys, see what I like and what I don't like, get comfortable with telling someone if I feel uncomfortable, and have some fun in the process. As much as I'd eventually like to find one weirdo to go through life with, having 5 months left in Korea is not exactly conducive for a real relationship. So I have about 3 others that I'm still texting and we'll see what happens with them. If nothing else, I'm at least being honest with myself regarding my ability to be around others. Sometimes the answer is just a big NO.
So yay for making good decisions. The weather here today is BEAUTIFUL. The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze and if this is not drinking-on-a-patio weather, I don't know what is. I have no real plans for Saturday yet, but I think there will be food, drinks, and being outside. I've found that being on Instagram has it's drawbacks - at least 2 'famous' people have messaged me (scam profiles) and one 'friend' did, but that turned out to be a fake profile. I checked with my actual friend and he said he's been trying to get that shut down for a while. Poor guy. I don't know if it's the 47 hour fast talking or what, but I'm feeling much better about the future right now. There's still a lot of stressors, but all things told I'm in such a better place than I was at the beginning of the year. I know that was hell to go thru, but I'm so grateful that I made it through to the other side (with lots of help and prayers from people).
On a different note, it amazes me how excited the Korean staff get when they hear me say something right. I was in the coffee shop today and there were 2 of our desk staff there waiting for their coffee and I told the guy 'kamsanida' which is 'thank you' in Korean. Both the girls got wide eyed and clapped and gave me a thumbs up. Here I am feeling bad for being here for almost 2 years and knowing less than 10 words, but there they are just happy that I can say 'thank you' properly. Just remember friends, it takes just a little effort to not be a crap human. Make the effort. (Not that any of you are crap humans, but you know what I mean.) Same thing just happened at OK mart, I obviously didn't know the Korean for 'bag' but the guy behind the counter got it and he smiled really big when I said 'thank you' and 'goodbye' in Korean. Seriously, the people here are so sweet.
So it is Saturday and I'm sitting with the windows in my apt open, enjoying the beautiful weather. I signed up for the trip to Seoraksan National Park again, so here's hoping Corona doesn't mess with that again. It's in Nov, so should it happen, there will be great pix. I hope all of you have a great weekend and figure out good ways to de-stress. For me, I'm planning on evicting most of the fruit flies (aka take out the trash) on Sunday, then it's DEATH by vinegar for most of them. Been talking to another Army guy who is stuck in quarantine right now, so that's been fun. All in all, I'm just plugging along, remembering why I like living here and putting money aside for when I come home. Much love to all, MUAH! :*
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