I posted a cryptic FB status recently about how it's hard for me to do what is best for me. To put this into context, I mean it's hard for me to walk away from people that I've determined are not actually good to have in my life. Case in point - a 'friend' reached out and I responded. The history between this person and myself was varied, and we did not end on good terms. I let them know that I did not hate them, I honestly wish only the best for them, and that I had no desire to be a part of their life or have them be a part of mine. Had that person accepted this and signed off, all would be well. However, they insisted upon further explanations of my behavior and what exactly led me to cut them out of my life. Some context - this all went down three and a half years ago. I ended up snapping and telling them that they do not deserve any further explanation than what I have given them, I have no desire to re-hash ancient history, and their insistence upon further explanation showed they still had no respect for me. After talking this over with my bestie, we determined that my conduct was fine and I did what I needed to do.
Monday had me struggling with residual guilt. Should I have delved more deeply into the issues that we had back in the day? Does forgiveness mean that I should have allowed this person back in my life? As Christians, aren't we called to be doormats? I'm sure you can guess what I answered myself - no, no, and HELL no. Perhaps it's not actually residual guilt I'm struggling with. I'm moving into uncharted territory - I don't want to repeat old patterns of behavior, which means that I'm having to choose new behaviors and hope that they become new, healthy, patterns. This is strange to me - I'm used to leaving certain lines of communication open because doesn't everyone deserve a 2nd chance? Really the answer to that is no. I can forgive those who have hurt me and still not want them in my life. The forgiveness gives me peace for the past, not having them in my life gives me peace for the future. My aunt said she thought I was struggling with feeling selfish - and she was right. I was raised to think of others before myself, so learning how to put my own needs first as a form of self-care is tricky... and quite strange for me.
I'm noticing how my attitudes and approach to dating has also shifted. I've gone from being (almost pathetically) happy with any attention and/or validation from any guy to attempting to invest only in those that have shown some signs of being willing to make some kind of effort for me. I don't mean that I expect a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant or anything, but some attempt to connect on an intellectual level is nice. I know what I don't want, but I have no practice in holding out for what I do want. In some cases, I can identify obvious red flags and shut that down. Specifically thinking of the guy who wanted to have babies and mentioned that I wouldn't have to work, etc. However, other potential red flags with others have happened, and yet I still feel like perhaps they deserve a chance. I'm having to figure out what is an automatic 'uh no,' and what is an 'are you suuuure.' Knowing myself, I'm afraid that I'm going to cut too much slack too many times and end up in situations that I don't want to be in because I'm afraid of being too much of a 'bitch.' I know I'm not good at canceling dates that I no longer want to go on... how can I tell when I truly need alone time and when I'm just being a coward? WHERE IS THE MAP?!
For those who are wondering why I'm going thru this in Korea when I'm coming home in 6 months, the answer is simple. I figure that if I'm going to start breaking patterns of behavior that are (deeply) ingrained, it's best to start now rather than later. I want to get to the point where I'm comfortable stating my needs and communicating when something makes me uncomfortable. The more practice I get now, the more likely I'll be to actually get into the dating world when I get home. My 'end goal' if you will is not necessarily to get married within X number of months, but instead to be able to have a healthy relationship with the potential for marriage down the road. I know that I would like to get married and share my life with someone, and the more I can do now to prepare myself for that eventuality, the better off I think we'll both be. Better than stagnating, making excuses, and looking for someone to 'rescue' me. Anyway, thank you for bearing with me thru all this rambling. It's going to be a long road and I'm sure there are going to be quite a few bumps along the way.
I'm in a bit of a 'blah' place right now. Like, I'm not sure if I need to be around people or if I need to be away from people. I'm so tired... J mentioned that she could tell. I'm stressed out, I've lashed out a couple of times, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to lay in bed and let the world rot. However, after a comedic exchange with my friend S and a sugar high on Tuesday coupled by a great class, I am in a much better mood now. The blahs seems to have fled. Muah ha ha ha haaaaa. What was the comedic exchange, you ask? Well, I've become my mom in that I've said to S more than once 'would you like some cheese to go with your whine?' He will say 'YES,' and then I'm left to say 'I have no cheese.' Well, on Tuesday he whined 'I don't wanna go to work' and I just happened to have a mini babybel that I had not yet eaten with my lunch, so I grabbed it, handed it to him and went 'HERE's some cheese to go with your whine!' He laughed, opened it, and ate it - rather defiantly - as I laughed and laughed.
As for other aspects of life - teaching online continues as it ever has. There has been no adverse effects from any of the typhoons where I live. The weather is cooling down, even as Corona is still heated up. The social distancing measures are still in place, and while I miss going out to eat, drink, and be merry, I am enjoying being a lazy bum in my apt. I still have no patience for unsolicited advice, and I am ready to come home. I can almost taste the Anamias... sigh.
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