My friend T came down from OK on Memorial Day weekend and we had a great time at BFD 2022. This post isn't about that, though. This post stemmed from a convo about how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. You probably already know that the caterpillar makes a cocoon, turns into goo, then the butterfly emerges. The process can't be painless, but it is worth it. The take-away here of course is that change can suck, but it's better to go thru the goo than to remain the caterpillar.
Part of me: Here's the thing - it would be so much easier if, as a human, we only had to go thru being the goo ONCE, like the butterfly. The caterpillar makes the cocoon, becomes the goo, then the butterfly flies off being all beautiful and DONE. Humans are never DONE until about 5 mins after they're dead. Either that, or they become goo and then STAY goo until about 5 mins after they are dead. THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE GOO!!!
Other part of me: I'm just going thru the goo right now. Eventually I'll be the butterfly and I'll feel better and all will be good and right with the world. The goo sucks at the moment, but it won't last. It never lasts.
Yet another part: So how many times have I gone through the caterpillar-goo-butterfly thing now? I'm tired of the goo... seems like the last few years have been ALL goo and very little butterfly. When do you know you are a butterfly? For this analogy does the butterfly sometimes go BACK to goo? Is life mostly goo with little emergences of butterfly?
Last part: Well, I may be goo but at least my friends and family still love me.
Perhaps I went a bit far with the goo metaphor, but it seems apt. Right now, there are many things in my life that are stressful. I am feeling the stress on no uncertain terms every day because in some cases there's nothing I can do to resolve the stressors. It's simply going to take time, some effort, and probably a lot more prayers. Life is not all goo, however, because I have wonderful people in my world who love me no matter what, quirks and all. However, it is fair to say that I am tired of being in the goo. I think sometimes we need to allow others to simply be tired of their situation - not to criticize, not to say how bad it could be, but merely let someone acknowledge how they are feeling. There are some things online about 'toxic positivity.' This idea that we have to stay positive all the time can be toxic when we aren't allowed to acknowledge the suckiness of the present situation. Yes, going thru the goo sucks. It hurts, it is unpleasant, it sometimes means dealing with things that we thought were 'done' already. I think it is ok to say 'this situation sucks and I'm tired of dealing with it.' It doesn't mean that we are going to get stuck in the 'this sucks' mentality, but it does validate the very real emotions behind the 'this sucks and I'm tired.' Yes, I'm tired, but I'm not giving up.
I also got to spend the week dog-sitting for my boss and I must say, it's nice to be mobbed when I get home. LOL - I really do miss having pets around. Even when they both want to be in my lap and stomp all over me with their paws that feel like acupressure implements, they are so nice to have around. I've been poking around on Amazon Prime and re-watched Good Omens, then watched Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and then I found.. VelociPastor. That's right, a movie about a priest who somehow becomes a dinosaur and is convinced by a hooker to use this power to fight bad guys... and ninjas. They pack a LOT of stuff into 70 mins of insanity... including a workout montage, a psychedelic love scene, and a war buddy sequence. Only watch this movie if you have a soft spot for SUPER low-budget, SUPER bad movies that make ZERO sense. I'm still processing the madness. There's a part of me that's laughing at the idea that it's gonna show up on my boss's 'continue watching' part of Amazon Prime. Muah ha ha ha haaaaa.
I was reading through things and I found this by someone else (sorry, I didn't get his name) regarding wanting to go out on the weekend and also being a bit of a loner: "I'm not too old for Friday nights, mind you. I'm 44 in a couple of weeks, I play in a rock band, and I get off on living as much as anyone I've ever met. But ever since I was a kid I've known that so much of the living I get off on is the stuff going down/up in my head.
That's where loners might struggle sometimes. People expect other people to want to be a certain way. People often need you to be some kind of dancing bear because they want to be a dancing bear too, and if you're not doing it then you're forcing them to wonder why they're doing it. And people don't like to be forced to see the dancing bear in the mirror, you know?" I kind of feel where he's coming from here. When you don't enjoy things that others think you 'should' enjoy you often wonder what is wrong with you. I like the imagery of the dancing bears. I really wish we could get rid of the expectations people have for other people and just let everyone figure out their own lives in their own ways without the added pressure of societal expectations. It won't ever happen, of course, because people are people and so often others think that they know what's best for everyone else. If you need proof, just remember the debates about masks. I know my perspective is different because I started the pandemic in Korea where masking isn't a big deal and no one feels like their rights are being stripped by wearing them. I still think the funniest take away for me is how much I'll let my mustache grow when no one else is seeing it... I am one LAZY woman when it comes to hair removal. I've also noticed that I'm not wearing lipstick at work as much as I was... maybe if I start wearing it again it'll be easier to do the ADF thing. Can't mess up the lipstick with food when you're fasting, after all!
Anyway, I just wanted to share the thoughts about being the goo... and to remind people to be kind. Also, dogs are awesome, bad movies are better when shared, and most of society is full of dancing bears with no idea why they continue to dance. That last bit is a little judgy but considering I've internalized the guilt associated with dancing differently I feel justified in a little bit of bitterness. OH, speaking of which, DONT drink the Kroger brand Simple Truth Organic cold brew coffee concentrate. Talk about BITTER! I hate to say it, but if you're going for a cold brew, the Starbucks iced coffee unsweetened medium roast is the best. The texture is on par with hot cocoa, it's smooth and not bitter at all. It's probably the best Starbucks black coffee you can get.
Here's the last photo dump:
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