Part of what I've been dealing with the last few weeks are the Could-Have-Beens. Suddenly, my "plan" has been tossed out the window, I'm floating on a sea of uncertainty clinging to a bit of driftwood and trying not to drown. None of my plans were concrete, I was well aware that I may be building my dreams on nothing more substantial than a bit of candyfloss (cotton candy for those who don't speak Brit), and yet it hurts knowing that those dreams will never come true. It makes me sad for what could have been.
What do I mean? Well, I won't be leaving my mom with a recovered hubby when it's time to leave R-town. The state dept is a dream I refuse to give up on (it's the gov, it can take some time, and I'm also kinda blaming some of the delay on COVID). However, it's as uncertain as anything right now. The really hard one to give up is the one that I've spent so long denying and then had some fun imagining. Rejection always sucks, but it sucks most of all when you feel as if you've been used and then tossed aside when no longer convenient. So I'm sad thinking of the could-have-beens... the visit, the possible move, the dates, the laughter, the support, the fights, the adventure, the life with someone I was crazy about. I had always joked there had to be something wrong with him, and sure enough, there was. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks, so I'm going to assume he wasn't actually divorced... it may or may not be true, but it's a story I can live with. Whatever the case, I know that I can't be with a man who would do this to me. So even if he comes back (this time), I can't do this to myself again. I'm at the point where I can say "yes, I love you but I love me more and I can't have you in my life." I've done that a few times, but you know what, it never gets easier. I miss the good stuff.
Right now, I just want to forget my sadness for a while. I spent the whole day by myself today (minus 30 mins for a conference call with my job in TX), and I came to realize what I really want is to forget that I'm sad. No wonder people seek distractions when they are grieving or when they are hurting. Sometimes it's just too much. And identifying the problem is only part of the solution - because really, how does one truly forget their sadness for a while? How do I forget that I invested in someone who ghosted me at the earliest convenience? How do I pause my grief for a bit? This has been a helluva 1, 2 punch. A friend joked about kidnapping me one day... truly that would be awesome. I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, otherwise I might have gone to Casper just to get Buffalo Wild Wings. Sigh... sorry for the downer of a post, I just wanted to share some more of the stuff I've been wrestling with in this August of Mondays. Is it any wonder I don't want to get out of bed? These feelings will pass, eventually I'll no longer hurt the way that I do... but for now, feeling those feelings SUCKS. I'd never allowed myself to imagine a life with someone before... I guess I see why now. However, I refuse to go back to not dating and denying that I want a life with a partner-in-crime (jokes about the Golden Girls nonwithstanding). I just don't want to start over again... modern dating is a nightmare and I'm not sure I'm up for this again.
Anyway, I'll keep you updated. Thanks for letting me ramble and share some of my hurt. I hope you all are doing well, and I'm sending my love to all of you. MUAH! :*
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