Green eyes, Guarded heart

There is something about me that a co-worker has pointed out once or twice.  Apparently I'm tough to get to know.  I don't share much about myself and it can be hard to read me sometimes.  I come across as a little guarded, a little cold.  I told her that I know this about myself.  I am guarded, I do keep people at arm's length, and I can be hard to read.  The thing I don't know if she (and others) realize is that there's a reason I'm like this.  It's a defense mechanism.  I've been screwed over so many times that I've built some damn stout walls around myself (especially my heart).  Not everyone I meet has good intentions, after all.  That's a lesson learned the hard way - more than once.  

I find it funny because J used to tell me the same thing.  She once described me as the girl with the green eyes and the guarded heart.  She somehow broke down all my walls, got around my defenses, and became one of my favorite people ever.  Actually, she may have just ignored them all - though it did take me a while to trust her.  Then there was D... crap, I think I loved him the moment we first acknowledged each other in Jeju.  Another one of my favorite people.  You see, I think I originally put up the defenses to 'weed out' those who weren't 'worth it.'  If someone wasn't interested in putting in the effort to get to know me, then that person probably wouldn't put in any effort to continue the friendship.  Sometimes I go on instinct - my instinct isn't always right, and so I still get hurt.  I'm dealing with some of that hurt now.  

It's easy to cut off all contact with someone.  I've done it myself a few times.  The 'block' button does wonders for my peace of mind when I realize that someone no longer needs to have access to me.  Usually this is after months or years of toxic crap on their part and... delusional thinking on my part?  Insecurities?  I'm not totally sure yet - really it's a case-by-case basis.  Now, after doing nothing (that I know of) wrong, I'm the one being cut off from one that I was crazy about.  It's been 2 weeks and I've heard nothing from E.  I'm being ghosted... again... this time is different, though.  This time I'm not going through the "What is wrong with me" spiral, I'm going through a "What was the truth" spiral.  I've decided that he wasn't really divorced... and instead of dealing with the fallout, he decided to deactivate his account on the app that we used to message.  Whether or not that is the case, it's a story I can live with.  I believed what he told me because I like to believe people until they give me reason not to.  Now I have reason not to.  I have no regrets regarding my actions - I, at least, was honest.

So yes, I am guarded.  This example is from the dating world, but trust me when I tell you that former 'friends' have been just as bad.  Gossip is, unfortunately, prevalent everywhere and I LOATHE it.  I don't want to be talked about behind my back - I know that I am, because that's how life is, but I DESPISE it.  And yes, this is a throwback to high school when my 'best friend' spread a rumor about me being a lesbian.  That one apparently got all over the county... and at one point I was a pregnant lesbian.  Sigh... Rumertown.  I guess the point of this blog post is, when you meet someone who is guarded there is usually a reason for it.  I won't be letting my guard down... this experience may have fortified some of the walls.  I am... so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life who either ignored the walls, or felt 'safe' from the start.  I just hate that you all live so DAMN FAR AWAY.  Anyway, rant over.  I love you all and I wish you well - stay healthy, be safe, and come visit when you get a chance.  Life is too short, friends... too damn short. MUAH! :*