I had the day off on Monday. I slept in until 10 am (not something I do much these days) and then I sat with my coffee and contemplated what to do. Everyone else was working today (as far as I know) and I could do some work for GRMC or I could take a day and do... something. I decided to do... something.
When I was in Korea, I complained a lot about not having a car to process my emotions in. I remembered that on Monday. So I decided to go for a drive and visit a few used book stores along the way. First I went to Meadowlark Books in downtown Riverton. There I found a book for me, one for Mom, and one for a kid. Then I drove to Lander and on the way I contemplated the drastic turn things have taken. How do I process this hurt, this sadness? If you know me, you know that I'm not much of one for counting her chickens before they've hatched. I said the whole time that I'd be amazed if E didn't flake out on me. That being said, I did have some fun imagining what life would be like if we did decide to make it work. Not gonna lie, I got some warm fuzzies imagining the snuggly Star Wars marathons, the trips, the arguments over who drives, all the ups and downs of a relationship (not having been in one for years, I can't really say what they are actually like, but I wanted to find out). After being ghosted I have to face the fact that he wasn't who I thought he was - I certainly never thought he was a coward who would just disappear into the ether when he came home. So now I'm faced with my reaction. Do I try again hoping against hope that THIS TIME it's different? Do I wall up my heart again and pretend that I don't want a marriage? Do I focus on my job search and forget about romance all together until I'm in a better position to consider it? Is this even something I want to actively consider any more or do I just want to let the chips fall where they may? I've been joking a lot about going to Jackson to try to find a sugar daddy... am I really joking?! I'm not sure what I actually need to do to move on from this... I just know that I need to move on.
I went to The Lost Chapter in Lander, which is a cute little used book store. There I found a book for me and one for my older sister. After that, I went to a coffee shop for a dirty chai and a scone. Using their wifi, I searched for other used book stores. Every one that came up in my search was permanently closed, so I gave up on that idea. I decided to come home via the reservation roads. I bypassed Ethete and used 17 mile road instead. I haven't been out that way in AGES. I had thought about going up into the mountains, but the smoke from the fires was pretty bad and I didn't think I'd see much up there. Lander was reminding me a lot of a little Austin and I was wondering when we're going to start seeing 'keep Lander weird' T-shirts. I stopped at Mr. D's (the grocery store) just to see what they have and we don't... not a lot, tbh. Still, it was nice getting out of Riverton for a while. I wanted to find an already-made 7 layer dip to go with the chips we have at home, but decided to stop at Smiths and get some stuff to make nachos on my own (salsa, bean dip, and guac). Now here I am, sharing my thoughts and just as lost as when I started.
The pragmatist in me is saying to give up on dating and men altogether. After all, watching the pain of someone who has lost a spouse will tear you the hell UP. However, I know without asking that the experience of loving someone that much is worth the pain left when they are gone. I've dealt with enough loss in my own life to know that as much as it hurts to miss them, the experience of knowing them is something to be treasured. So the pragmatist gets overruled. The realist says to try again until I find the one who stays. The wounded one says 'not yet.' Every time I'm let down, it gets harder and harder to trust myself to try again. Basically at this point I'm ready for J's mom to arrange a marriage for me! I obviously suck at this.
As for the sadness... that's just going to be a thing for a while, I think. As long as I don't fall into a full-blown depression, I should be ok. Maybe someday I'll wake up and not be as sad anymore... I'm going to cling to that hope.
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