The holidays can be a rough time for everyone. There's the usual pressure of shopping and decorating, trying to be festive when sometimes you're just too stressed out. This Christmas it seems many of us are also dealing with what I call the empty chair. A euphemism for the grief of missing someone during the holidays.
Firsts always suck... when my friend lost her mom she stated many times that their family was making an extra effort that Christmas because it was the first. They now decorate part of the room with her picture so that she is kinda there in spirit. I was thinking of doing something kinda like that, but with an open MGD since that was his favorite beer. It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when the loss follows you around like a black balloon. My favorite song by Type O Negative has always been Red Water (Christmas Mourning)... it sure hits differently after experiencing a year of loss. The pain of missing someone never goes away, but this time of year it sure is more sharp than usual. My own pain pales in comparison to other's, I know... so my own mantra has become "It's going to suck, but perhaps I can help make it suck a little less." My own problem is that I'm getting into my head and feeling like I just haven't quite done enough... which is really just my own insecurities talking... need to get the mental duct tape and shut those voices UP!
On the bright side, I get to spend Christmas with my parents which hasn't happened in AGES. Mom and I plan on being as lazy as possible, with snacks and drinks all day. The other day when my friend S from high school came over, she declared that I am the snacking queen - and she's right! LOL... she's a chef, so cooking for her is probably out of the question. Again... my own issues rising up there. It's actually cold here now, so my fleece and fur lined leggings are getting some use. I also have 3 pairs of thermals, so one way or the other I'm gonna be WARM. Joining FB dating has been a HUGE ego boost... except I know that a lot of guys always "like" every woman... cast a wider net, sort of thing I think. However, I'll take the ego boost of the constant notifications about "so-and-so has liked your profile in dating." The best was "Jesus has liked your profile." As a Catholic I wondered if that was a sign to head to the nearest convent. LOL. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say it's been fun.
For my other people experiencing loss this holiday season, huge hugs and please know that you're not alone. It's been a hard year, next year is going to be hard, too. I know this is "pot and kettle" time, but be sure to reach out to people who will let you talk, who will share memories, and remember your loved one. Grief can be overwhelming, but it's less so when you can share. I think the worst thing about our culture is that you're expected to be 'ok' right away. American's don't really handle emotions well... you're supposed to smile, be happy, and act like everything is all right even when your world is crumbling all around you. The cult of happy is just as toxic as the cult of despair. There is no road map for grief, there's no code of conduct for the holidays, and there is no way you 'should' be. Do what you need to do for you, just remember that your loved one would want you to continue to live your life. A good wallow can do you a world of good, but not if you live in it. My death, dying, and bereavement professor described grief: "When you first lose someone, they are still always right in front of you, all the time. You think about them and miss them constantly. Then with time they move to your shoulder. That's where they stay. Sometimes they're big, sometimes they're small, and sometimes they move to in front of your face again. The thing is, they never leave you and that's how it should be." (The academic in me needs to say that I'm paraphrasing... it's been almost 20 years ago, after all.) I've always liked that... some of us carry a crowd, others a few, and others haven't had to carry anyone yet. However, grief is a part of life... and it carries it's own beauty. To grieve means that you've loved someone deeply... and that is a wonderful thing.
So big hugs, tons of love, and prayers for all of us to enjoy this season. Hold those you love a little closer, remember those who would have been in their favorite chairs, and reminisce of holidays past. And let the tears fall... let them. MUAH! :*
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