So the other day I saw a thing that said "People who were neglected as kids sometimes will be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as adults." Something about how they feel the need to "earn" the other's attention. Now, just to be clear, I'm not blaming my parents and saying that I was viciously neglected as a child. However, being a middle child I often felt the need to compete for attention, and I think that's where this stems from (at least part of it, anyway). I was kinda floored because it's kinda true - I generally go after guys who don't feel for me the way I feel for them. So I obviously have more healing to do - to believe that I am worthy of love and attention without having to 'work for it' or compromise my principals to feel loved. This kinda sucks because I THOUGHT I was good to go... no such thing, perhaps. Ah well, deal with the big stuff first, right? Smaller stuff later.
Fast forward to today - bawling in Mass. I'm still processing all of what was just unleashed in my brain and heart, but mostly what I came away with is that the love I've been searching for my whole life is the love that God offers. And what do I do with that offer? Turn away, throw it in His face, go after anything that 'feels' like what I'm looking for. I felt horrible and yet... comforted. I don't know, like I said this is going to take some unpacking.
So I went to work still dressed for Mass - my green dress and ladder-looking leggings. First, one cute guy said he really liked my outfit. That was fun. Later I was working in the drive thru and this guy came thru. Gave me his order, really nice smile, accused me of hitting on him when I asked for his ID and I said 'well, only if you want me to be.' (so smooth, I know) So I give him all his stuff and somehow he manages to ask for my phone #. I said 'wait, now who is hitting on who?' and he insisted that I started it. He drove away without my #, but I've been on cloud 9 ever since. At the end of a super emotional day, after feeling bloated and nasty (like I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning of August) this guy suddenly made me feel like a legit snack (kinda looked at me like that, too). Not gonna lie, I may have posed a bit when closing the drive-thru door. I just got a huge kick out of it. (Apparently my butt is attractive in WY, too. LOL.. I feel like something so powerful should have a name... butt (pun intended) that may be a bit weird.)
If I want to eventually get married and stuff, I can't fall back into old habits, right? So I guess I shall have to treat dating and relationships kinda like job interviews. (Just like Van Wilder said... first dates are interviews.) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "What qualities do you bring to the team?" "Why did you leave your previous position?" LOL - well, maybe not completely, but you get the idea. I know why I avoided this for so long... it's so hard to meet people, get to know them, then realize if they are a good fit. I've gotten better at this, but I'm far from perfect (as evidenced by S and E). Ah well, I imagine there are many more heartbreaks to go before I give up and go to the convent. (Terrible reason to join a religious community, I know, I'm only joking here... well... 93% joking anyway.)
Really the point of this post is to say that I haven't come as far as I thought I had. I've come far, that's for sure. It's been a long, hard road to get to the point where I'll admit that I WANT to be married. That in itself is huge for me. So to find out that I need to be better at choosing the men that I date... well, it shouldn't be a shocker. I guess to date looking at forever is quite different than dating looking for tonight. This is gonna be a helluva ride, people... "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night." LOL... how will I tell if a guy is emotionally open as opposed to closed? I guess if I'm attracted to them should be a clue. (Gallows humor, I know, just let me roll with it.) I TOLD Mo there was something wrong with E because I was crazy about him... now I have the name for it. So much better than "He's just not that into you." So yes, Todd, perhaps I am still my own worst enemy here. However, I'm off the edge of the map and here there be plenty of monsters. How does one navigate the cesspool that is dating after 30? Well, I for one, enjoy the memes about it, so I hope you do, too!
Anyway, thanks for reading all the way thru my rant... I'm not sure there's much to take away except I'm still messed up, probably need to pray more, butts are internationally attractive, and... at least one cute guy in R-town things I'm attractive, too. Hehe... (giiiiirl, you shoulda seen his arms!!!). Much love, dear reader. MUAH! :*
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