Always searching

Pretty personal post here - chronicling my week of ups and downs.  You've been warned.  Also, here's some pretty Spring pix for you:

 Lilac bushes - a little scent and sight of home :)

 The plants by the path :)

 So nice :)

 I love the differences in the trees.

 My view on the way to work... and back from the hospital, as the case may be ;)

 Magnolia tree!

 The path between the apartments toward he bus stop - I love walking along here - it's so pretty.

The trees across from Tirol coffee - where I wait for J when we're walking to work together :)

Oh, and here's a great pic of J and I - my favorite one!

I crack myself up.  You see, I'm struggling now with the exact same thing that I would have struggled with if I'd stayed back home.  I'm taking solace in the fact that at least if I'm struggling in Korea, I'm also gaining international experience at the same time.

What am I struggling with?  Simple - what do I want to be when I grow up.  Happy?  Of course.  Well-traveled?  Duh.  But what profession can/will give me satisfaction?  I got my masters in international relations thinking that I'd be able to get a job with an NGO or international charity like that (snaps fingers).  Turns out, getting a job like that with 0 experience and a degree is not easy.  So I decided to teach English overseas - that'll at least get me experience living and working abroad.  Now here I am.  Living in South Korea and feeling just as lost as ever.  The biggest difference?  This time I'm on my own.  Calling and hashing things out with the people who know me the best is nearly impossible.  Even then, outside of commiserating, who could really help?

For the most part, my fellow teachers seem to have come here to escape/gain something.  Initially I said that I wasn't running away from anything, but now I wonder - was I running away from the monotony of looking for a meaningful job in the US?  I loved my job at the hospital, but I was kind of stuck there personally.  I mean, dating in TX didn't really happen for me - and there were plenty of reasons for that, most of which are my own fault - but also some were lack of available men in the town I lived.  Also, I'm comfortable being single.  I mean, it can get lonely sometimes but I also don't have to deal with a lot of BS that seems to come with dating. 

Why is the question "what do I want?" so damn hard to answer?!?  Do I like teaching kids?  Well, some are pretty cute, but others are frustrating as Hell.  Would I love to become a photographer?  Hells yeah, but how does one go about that?  Do I still want to make a difference in the world?  Yeah, I do.  I mean, I'm about as cynical as can be, but I'm an idealistic cynic.  Makes for some strange living, lemme tell ya.  Do I want a husband and family?  I don't know.  On the one hand, I do crave the good things about marriage and family life.  On the other hand, I don't know that I would want to give up my leave-the-country-at-the-drop-of-a-hat freedom that I have now.  I think it would really depend on the man.  Course if I fall in love with an Aussie metal head in July, who knows what could happen?  ;)  I think I have a ways to go in healing certain things about myself before I even think of looking to date for marriage, anyway.

I know that St Augustine said 'Truly our hearts are restless until they rest in You.'  I find that to be true, but my heart can't rest in Him until I'm dead.  While I'm aware that can happen at any time, I'm not going to speed the process along!  I can deal with a restless heart, I just want to have a direction.  I think that's my problem - 'international experience' is a broad term and there's no guarantee that NGO's or charities or even the government would consider this the kind of 'experience' they had in mind.  I also have the added stress of my loans - I know that they're a fact of life and I knew what I was getting into when I took them out... I just hate owing anyone.

So here I am, trying to figure out how to budget in another country, feeling like my account is a sieve.  Planning on at last cooking for myself for this week (unless we go for Korean BBQ, that's cheap enough to justify).  I'm not regretting coming here, I'm just really hoping that between my masters and this experience, my investments (in myself) will eventually pay off.

I wrote the first half of this post on Monday when I was truly in a funk.  I'm not as funky (hehe) now and it's Wednesday.  I was able to talk to my Dad and Carole, then today I emailed my older sister and my Aunt Linda.  I feel better - maybe because of the distractions, maybe because I may not know exactly what I'll do but I'm sure I'll be ok.  I trust in myself and more importantly I believe in the Lord and I know that what I'm doing now is what I'm meant to be doing.  Who knows, maybe I'll get my certification, go to Thailand after this, and then go to Poland, Germany, or Greece.  Really, it's Australia and Europe that I always loved... I want to get back there.  I also feel better cuz AL sent me an email just to say how good I'm looking.  Hehehe - that post is coming later.

It's now Friday and I'm pensive.  Thinking about the things that I brought because I knew I would want them - my fake Yeti cup, my earrings and necklaces - and the things I didn't even think of - pictures of people, curtains, a comfy pillow.  Until you leave the place you've known your whole life, how can you anticipate the things that will bring you comfort?  Right now, all I want is a hug.  A really good squishy hug that make everything seem like it's going to be OK.  That means I need to get my bum back to Emart and buy the penguin pillow that I saw there the other day!  I'm 34 friggin' years old, but I want my comfy pillow (that is shaped like a penguin... I left the skull one at home).  I have told M that sometimes I may come to him for a hug (he's tall) but I sense that he's not 100% comfortable with that, so I've not done that too often.  I do know that D is more of a hug-type person, so I've taken her up on the offer of a hug a couple of times.  I think I've just felt really out of my depth here.  I can tell because I have the worst case of the I-don't-wanna's.  I don't wanna get out of bed, grade papers, deal with the kids, go out to eat, talk to anyone, etc.  I do these things, I just don't wanna.  I think it's getting a bit better, just because I am still going and doing things - notably, I'm going to Suwon Fortress this weekend with T and S from training.  See, Jess, I'm still being sociable and I know that spending time in my own head is what tends to eff me up!!  Hehe, love you BTW.

Tonight is a night for salad, sammich, chips, and rose ;)