The Illusion of Control

So there's a movie that I saw a while ago.  It has Cuba Gooding Jr and Anthony Hopkins in it and it's called Instinct.  In it, there's a great scene where Anthony Hopkins is threatening Cuba Gooding Jr with death by strangulation.  He threatens to kill him unless Cuba can tell Anthony what he's taken away.  Cuba first writes "control," which is not it.  Anthony points out that he never had control to begin with.  Then he writes "freedom," which Anthony quickly refutes.  You are not free, you go to work, you go to the gym, you conform yourself to societal norms, so how can you be free?  Cuba finally gets it when he writes "My illusions."  With that, Anthony lets go of him and says there's hope for him yet.  That scene has stuck with me for years.

I am, I admit, a control freak.  I like to feel like I know where I'm going and that I can change my direction if I so choose.  I like knowing that I'm the only one who is taking care of me, because for so long I've been the only person that I trust to do this.  However, I'm having to continually confront the fact that my 'control' is only an illusion.

Just sharing another pic cuz I like it and you know, why not?

There's another movie with Sandra Bullock called 28 Days.  In that one, Viggio Mortensen gives Sandra a tutorial on how to throw a pitch.  He says to her 'You can control the little things - your stance, when you let go of the ball, how you bring your arm forward.  You can't control what happens at the other end, that's someone else's job.  Just focus on what you can control.'  This has also stuck with me.  There were so many things about coming to South Korea that I couldn't control.  I couldn't control the visa process once I sent all my paperwork, I couldn't control what school I was placed with, I couldn't control if I'd have a roommate during training or what kind of apartment I was going to get. This is only naming a few!  However, I could control my attitude about having a roommate during training (which worked out well, BTW, because E is amazing).  I could control how I felt about my apartment (the shower/bathroom?  Well, at least I don't have to worry too much if the toilet overflows.  Also, bonus - I have somewhere to put my leg when I'm shaving!).

What I find myself struggling with the most is my lack of control over my work.  I've always been one to strive for perfection.  Throw me into a job at a hospital where I don't know jack?  Tell me where to find the info I need and I'll figure it out.  Qnet, TJC, T-systems, Evident?  I'll figure out how to find what I need.  I ended up friggin' OWNING that job (thanks mostly to my boss who would give me something and then trust me to figure out how to get it done.  The degree of freedom I had at GRMC is something I will forever cherish about my time there.  That, my amazing boss, and fantastic co-workers).  Here I have no such control.  The lessons are already planned, the kids know more about the process than I did, I'm not often told when things change (partially because I don't have Kakao), and at times I feel like a mushroom (intentionally kept in the dark).

On the other hand, I know that the people I work with are trying to manage not only the Korean teachers, but also all the native English teachers.  That has to be a pain in the ass because the Koreans expect something different from what the Americans, Brits, South Africans, Australians, etc do.  Which is to say that Americans expect a different environment than Brits, who expect different from SA, who... you get the idea.  There's such a hodgepodge of cultures at work that it would be impossible for the staff to cater to all of us.  So what I'm really struggling with is what I'm going to call the 'Hotel Transylvania 'roll with it'' attitude.  I'm trying to take my "control freak, wanting to be in the know constantly and prepare for every eventuality" self and become a 'roll with it' chick.  Stuff with Jeju got cancelled?  Roll.  Unanticipated student in my class?  Roll.  Friend cancels at the last minute?  Just roll with it.  I'm not here to predict, control, or dictate what happens to me, all I can really control is my reaction and attitude to what happens.  What's the point in getting all bent?  It changes nothing and makes me miserable in the meantime.

This is the attitude I'm striving toward - the knowledge that while there are some things that I can control, the vast majority of my experiences will be TOTALLY beyond what I could possibly control.  That is life.  If I'm ever going to be open to changing my narrative, I'm going to have to become open to things that I can't control.  The prospect of this scares the crap outta me, but to grow is to change, right?  And growth can hurt!

Here's to remembering that I never had control in the first place, everything can change in the blink of an eye - all that is up to me is how I react to it.  And again, I like this pic... I look GOOD (consequently that's another thing that I can/can not control, but that's a post for another day).