As we look toward 2020, the 20's, and all that life is bringing us, we tend to also look back: back on the 2010's, the past year, our lives, and see how far we've come. With that in mind, I've been wrestling with my thoughts on love/dating/relationships. I've been trying to figure out how to explain my thoughts about it in this messed up, online trash fire of a dating world. I know a lot of people think I'm super cynical (and I am) but I'm a cynical romantic. I do believe in real love, but I don't think that people know or understand what real love is. So I'm going to try to untangle the web of my thoughts here, come along with me if you dare.
Love in this age has become watered down until it is only regarded as a feeling. When you first meet someone and fall in love, it's exciting, it's fun, etc. Over time, the feeling fades, you decide that you have 'fallen out' of love, and you move on - searching for that feeling again. This usually causes hurt. Added to this is the excitement of swiping on people's profiles and the (somewhat mistaken) belief that there is 'something/someone better' out there. It's addicting to swipe on a picture, and it's so easy to forget that (usually) there is a person behind the profile. That's another thing that seems watered down - people are forgetting that we are all... people. People are treating people as things - vessels of pleasure or means to get the attention that we all crave. The dating world is like a cauldron of toxic sludge where a few try like hell to shine out, but ultimately are tarnished by the environment they find themselves in. (Disclaimer - I know that some websites are great for finding your future spouse, but this is based on my own experiences and thoughts.) It's this kind of 'love' that I am cynical about. The self-serving, 'I'll keep you as long as you fulfill a need, but I'll keep one eye on other options because there's bound to be someone else better looking/more fulfilling out there' kind of love. The worst part is, I don't think people are actually aware of their motivations - people are not given to introspection, in my experience.
With all this being said, I do believe in love as a verb. I believe in the act of loving. The love that wants the good of the beloved. The love that puts the other in front of the self. The love that is worth fighting for. The love that has been tried and tested and has triumphed every time. I believe in the love that starts as a feeling and becomes a decision - the decision to stay with the beloved through all the ups and downs, through feeling loving toward them and wanting to strangle them. The decision to deal with the snoring, the messiness, the hormones, the good, the bad, and the (occasionally) ugly. I know many couples that I could tell you about who are truly loving - and that's the kind of love that I'm holding out for. The love that accepts me for who I am, but that wants me to be the best version of myself. The love that is willing to know me and grow with me. The love that, in this age, is hard to find. Maybe when I decide I want to get married I'll try one of those better websites... or maybe I'll turn 40 and my sis will get me my cat lady starter kit (at least 3 kittens).
So besides not being ready, what keeps me from actively searching for this love? Well, my problem is projects. I like to help people - it's one of the reasons I wanted to be a psychologist/bartender. The thing is, I don't want my man to be a project. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm not here to fix/change people. Recognizing this fact means that I need to be careful of my own motivations. Do I want to help a friend because it will really help them or because it's an ego boost for me? Are my theories about this behavior correct or crap? Do I give unsolicited advice (not usually on this one, because unsolicited advice makes me see red when it's given to me)? The biggest question here is 'Do I want to help this person because it will benefit them or do I want them to change to more of the ideal that I have in my own head?' I think I've written about the 'ideal' issue in dating before, and I try really hard to guard against that in my own experiences. Being a helper in the dating toxic sludge cauldron is dangerous for my own mental health. Add to that my natural introversion, aversion to small talk, tendency toward sarcasm in uncomfortable situations, the fact that I'm in Korea, and you see why the dating experiment fizzled out. Perhaps I'll try again when I get back to the states. Anything is possible, after all.
I was talking to J a while ago and she said something that it also probably part of my problem. She said, "You either don't care about someone at all or you'll kill for them. There's no real in-between with you." She's right - once I consider someone to be 'my' person, I care for them fiercely. It's gotten me burned before, so I'm generally really cautious about who I consider to be 'mine.' If I feel this way, this protective, about my friends... it kind of scares me to think how I would be with a romantic partner. I think that's part of why I tend toward caution with guys - if I'm going to 'go all in' with someone, they better be someone worth going all in with. That's also a part of how I love. I will protect you, I will fight for you, I will build you up, and I will help you to become the best version of you. If you're looking for someone who won't call you on your BS, who will blindly believe everything that you tell them, and won't point out your contradictions - you don't want me as your friend. Since I care deeply, I've been hurt deeply... so caution is the watchword for me.
I keep on asking another one of my friends 'what do you want?' when it comes to dating. He eventually asked me the same thing. I've thought about it a lot and it comes down to this - I want someone who chooses me. Someone who makes an effort, who sees me as worth that effort (J pointed out that I was describing verb love here). Someone who would be a good partner to build a life with. If I don't ever find that person, I'll be fine on my own, too. As long as I have my friends, my family, and my eventual 50,000 cats (LOL) I'm good. Which leads me to my final thought on love. As much as we are all looking for it, the most important love is usually neglected - learning to love ourselves. I really think that until someone is OK with who they are as a person, they won't be able to truly love another.
My last thought on this subject is one of possible self-destruction. Staying on good terms with those who have rejected you romantically can totally mess with your head. On the one hand, I want to ask what it was about me that made them decide to pursue others. On the other hand, no answer would make me feel any better. If they say that I'm too (insert adjective here) then what do I do with that? I'm not going to change or hide aspects of my personality in order to make myself more palatable. If it's an appearance issue, then you KNOW where they can shove that. Any vague 'I just don't feel that way toward you' is maddening because it really answers nothing. I guess what I'm saying is that the worst part of rejection is the lack of reason. That's it - there's often no real REASON. I am a fan of saying that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I'd rather be someone's favorite whiskey anyway. There is a part of me that wants to find the person who can appreciate the complexities of my whiskey. The metal head, the sweetheart, the giver, the fighter, the Catholic, the reader, the movie/book nerd, the ren fair queen, the chef, the minimalist (books excepted), the sometimes emotional, bitchy, we-need-a-new-plague complexities of Mandi. I'm not stupid, I know that's going to require being more open to meeting people and facing many more rejections... and that thought exhausts me. Finding someone to relate to at all is so difficult - perhaps that's why I tend to hold on to those who 'get' me at all. I can relate to S and J on different levels regarding different things, and I am SO grateful for both of them... living in Korea would be a lot harder without them.
So you see, I am a cynical romantic. And a realistic idealist. I am a beautiful contradiction who is quite comfortable being free from the cauldron of toxic sludge (I'm quite proud of coming up with that description), but who knows that I'll have to go back in if I ever want to try to find my Catholic metal head. I will hold on to my old-fashioned notions of what real love is meant to be and maybe someday I'll meet another old-fashioned soul. In the meantime, I have another year in Korea to enjoy and learn more about myself specifically and humanity in general. Also if heavy metal speed dating ever becomes a thing, I'm totally going!
Now some reflections on the past 10 years. As I was working on some of my issues that have prevented me from seeking healthy relationships, I also accomplished a lot of my goals. I went to Europe, I got my Master's degree, and now I'm living overseas in South Korea. I've maintained strong friendships with amazing people, I've grown closer to my family all over the US, and I've gauged how much I've healed from my horrible experiences with men. I got a job at a rural hospital that taught me so much about healthcare in the US, what it's like to have an amazing boss and wonderful co-workers, how you can really look forward to work because the people make it great. I've learned to love myself - all of myself. The thing about that is I'm unwilling to settle for someone who only kind of wants me around. I don't want someone who has one eye on me and one eye on his phone, looking for someone hotter/better. I don't think that's too much to ask.
As we head into the new decade, I'm cautiously hopeful. I'm planning on turning my international experience into a job that will allow more travel, more experiences in living in other countries. I plan to utilize my masters degree, continue toward my goal of working for the US gov or the UN, and if I find love along the way, then great. There is a part of me that really wants that... probably the part I usually drown in (insert alcohol here). In the meantime, I'll continue to love my friends, my family, every dog that I see, random moments that remind me how great life is, myself, and my God. MUAH! :* Love to all of you, readers. Well done getting this far in my ramblings... whew ;)
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