Pix are Important

I've always been a shutterbug, and I've posted pix on FB from the min I decided to sign up. I've also always struggled with my weight, as most of you are well aware. I've been bumming myself out for the past week or so because I'm dress shopping and I've been berating myself because I was SO MUCH SMALLER 3 years ago. However, I'm not where I was nearly 6 years ago, either. Then on Tues a memory from 3 years ago popped up, which lead me down a rabbit hole of comparison pix.

Me Jan 2018 before fasting. 100ish lbs from goal. May have been closer to 110 or 115, but for sure one of the pix that helped convince me I needed to change.

Me in Dec 2020. 8 lbs from goal. Done only with fasting - eating nothing on mon or thurs, 2 meals tue and fri, one meal wed, sat, and Sun. 

Me today. 73 lbs from goal. Working out 2-3x a week, happy to have stopped the progressive weight gain, but not seeing much in the realm of weight loss. Eating 2x a day on workout days and day after workout, one meal on non-workout days. Signed up for my fitness pal to track progress, meals, etc. Reminding myself this is a marathon not a sprint, that body recomposition is a thing, I'm stronger than I was even when I was close to goal, and my worth is not tied into a dress size, scale #, or horrible pic.

Its just disappointing that it seems the only way to lose weight is to not eat at all 2 days a week. Sigh. And trying to shift from a weight loss mindset to a being stronger and aging well mindset is HARD. My whole life my weight has been an issue. I can't turn off bloody YEARS of societal conditioning overnight. I'm trying not to be annoyed that my December isn't shaping up the way I wanted, reminding myself that I'm better where I am than where I was, but still that niggling feeling remains... so much weight gained back... sigh. I feel like I've let myself down somehow. Even though I had no wedding on the radar, I want to look good for both myself and my man. Good thing about him is, he loves me no matter what and recently said he'd marry me in flannel and comfy pants (I can hear Korea J scream from here. Lol... no worries hon, I'm not getting married in flannel). Still, when I saw the pic of me in an ill fitting dress that wasn't as flattering as I'd have liked... well, I felt like an ogre playing dress up in the princess' castle after my raiding party had killed everyone. (Cuz, you know, why not.) Do I think I will find THE dress and my man will be gaga when I'm walking toward him? Of course I do. Just right now I'm thinking of what could have been if I'd just kept the no food mon and thurs schedule. How I'd be smaller, and perhaps it wouldn't be so disheartening. Or perhaps it would have. After all, I'm a big ol' pear and I'll always be a big ol pear, no matter what the scale says. That being said, I did weigh on Sunday... 68lbs to goal. 

So, I'm trying to focus on what I can do now that I couldn't do 6 months ago. I can dumbbell press 25 lbs, I can do 2 sets of 10 pass thrus (abs, also known as taco crunches) where I could only do half of one 6 months ago, I can upright row and triceps pull down 70lbs, and I can goblet squat 45 lbs. My workouts generally last an hour and a half, and im ok with that. Stephen King is keeping me occupied, so i also feel like im getting reading time in with my workout. I'm doing great! Just no matter how well I'm doing with weights, there's always my own weight looming in the background... I may pack up the scale when I move and not get it back out for a year. My work people tell me I'm looking good, so that's nice. T even says I could give Marilyn Monroe a run for her money, which is a compliment I'll hold on to.

This is also my first Christmas with a fella. Shocking, I know. So on the one hand, I want to do things right (and I may have gone a little overboard) and on the other hand I'm overwhelmed by ALL THE THINGS!!! We have this with his family, then that with my tex mex family, Christmas traditions to incorporate, explanations of said traditions (I think cinnamon rolls for Christmas might be another NM, CO, WY thing, kinda like green chili), and past Christmas disappointments to air out, its just a lot all at once. When I'd like to retreat and regroup I can't because we have another thing. I know this is an adjustment on my end - historically my Christmas has either been a day alone on the phone with family or an appearance at a friend's house for a few hours and then home again. I'm excited for the new but I'm also longing for the old. I may require a post Christmas BH day, truth be told. Of course, we'll see how I am after all the craziness of the holidays.

We did a thing!! 

Our first Christmas 😁

I'm excited to have our first Christmas together. It's gonna be fun. I hope he likes his things. 🎄☃️ After we finished decorating we watched movies (A Christmas Story, Gremlins, and Batman Returns) and he fell asleep. I have learned that when I'm stressed a good stress buster for me is embroidery. Also known as "a little stabby stab." So, here's my stress buster this week

Isn't she pretty? My older sis may also be looking into embroidery as a stress reliever. 😁 After I dropped Jay off, I waited up for A who was at a Christmas party and going to stay over. They ended up having to go home, so they didn't, but I started work on another, more difficult one.

So, really, everything is good. I'm going to be fine. I just need to adjust to having a fella in my life. Our tree is a lot bigger than any others I've had, and it's beautiful. We stuffed each other's stocking, wrapped each other's gifts, decorated together, spent time with his family, and there will be more of that in the coming week. He's taking a few more days off than me, but we have agreed on a dedicated goblin day for Friday the 22nd. I need to bake cookies. 😁

Happy last-min shopping week, everyone!! Stay safe out there, there have been WAY too many car wrecks this week. Hugs and love 😘 MUAH!