I think the hardest part for me has been realizing that what I thought of as "normal," based on my own family, is not realistic in my marriage. Family dinners during the week arent possible when i dont really eat dinner. Unwinding from a work day together or going to the gym together in the evenings is hard when we work different shifts. It's taken me a while to accept that I had certain biases and expectations that I'd never realized or addressed before. Probably because I didn't have to. We have to do things differently than others. It's funny, when you Google "how to connect with my spouse" the suggestions all assume you have the same schedule. It's things like "Put your phones away at dinner and talk" or "go to bed at the same time." We do have a nightly call, which has been a great way to connect during the week. Its not quite the same as couch cuddles, but it is nice to hear each other's voice.
What I've found is that, because we have limited time to see each other, I go back and forth between wanting to make EVERY minute COUNT and wanting to keep him all to myself! On one hand, we must be doing things! And having fun! And connecting! And seeing friends! And talking about all the things! And cleaning! And shopping! And making time for each other! On the other hand, I want to stay at home and just BE together. We can watch movies and he can play video games and I can read a book and we can shut out the world for a while and just enjoy each other's company. Trying to find balance between those 2 things is tough. Thankfully, hubbs is very good at finding fun things for us to do, and he is AMAZING at planning dates. We also do enjoy our "goblin" days when we don't change out of pjs, order or make food, and nap with the kitty.
So where do I get "wonderfully terrifying?" Well, as a forgotten middle child, a socially inept wallflower, who has spent most of her life trying to make herself inconspicuous, or who has actively been a background person in most of her friend and work groups for a good majority of her life, it is SO disconcerting to be really SEEN. I explained to hubbs once that in the past when someone noticed something about me it was usually to make fun of me or make me feel bad about myself. When he notices something about me, he accepts it and somehow files it away to better understand me. He knows a lot of the little noises I make and what they mean. From "I went to hard at the gym" groans to "I'm so content" sighs. I'm not used to being seen and appreciated for who I am, and it's weird but in a good way, you know? For my part, I've never loved someone like this before. It's exhilarating and... is there another word than terrifying? If I could wrap him in bubble wrap, scan him head to toe in an MRI, then a CT, and make sure everything is working properly, then move to one of the blue zones to maximize our lives together, I totally would. In fact, skip the first parts and let's just go! A Grecian island with heathly old people sounds amazing! Think my job would let me go remote? Maybe if I let them stay with me when they come to the Mediterranean? He can work on the cars on the island... or you know, take care of the cats! Island cat man! I see no downside. Lol.
The other side of all of this is that he has the power to totally and irrevocably DEVASTATE me. Caring about someone this much and trusting that he feels the same about me and we will both continue to grow closer together is putting a LOT of faith into us. I'm not used to letting anyone else have this kind of power over me and my world. It's a lot to think of, sometimes. We don't truly know what the future holds, but I do hope it holds many more happy years with my wonderful, amazing, handsome, loving husband. (Don't blush too much, honey, everyone KNOWS I'm crazy about you 😘)
If you are a FB friend, you know I declared this week a snack week. I sent a pic of my lunch to my sister and....
I had my annual check up on Monday. My labs are good, my weight is... THE BLOODY SAME! THREE months of working out, one month I gain 4 lbs, the last 2 has been a yo-yo of lose a bit, gain a bit, and Monday it was the same as ALL of January. I'm SO sick of my stupid body not cooperating with my diet and exercise which should lead to a REDUCTION in weight! And I know health is more than weight but DAMN, this is some serious genetic/body memory BS. So that's it, we are bringing in the pharmaceuticals. Trying a pill that's supposed to suppress appetite and increase energy. I was a little hesitant about okaying it, it almost felt like i was admitting defeat, like the fasting, exercise, and healthy eating was useless without a pill. My hubbs and my bestie helped with that. Hubbs is 100% supportive of what i need to do in order to get where i want to be. Bestie pointed out this is just another tool to help. Im still going to eat healthy and workout and fast, this is just another tool in the arsenal to get me past my plateu. As long as I continue the diet and exercise, this could help shift the damn scale (finally). Thinking of it as another tool is helpful, im not a failure, i just need another tool to get there. I'm also supposed to stop dairy for a month to see if that's why my stomach hates me. However, I haven't had any episodes this week, so I'm going to say the problem was likely more hormonal than anything.
It was sooooo rainy early in the week, the pasture became a lake! Well, there's a gully that turned into a lake. I have to take the mule across the gully in order to get to the cows and give them their treats. I'm alternatively afraid of getting stuck, tipping the mule, or drowning the thing by going into water that's too deep. So far so good tho. It does mean I don't have to worry too much about watering the 3 vegetable gardens or the flower pots! Someone said it looks like an air bnb out on the ranch. They are right. It's a lovely, peaceful property and if you sleep with the fan on you barely hear the sheepdogs barking at night! I do love when K texts me about taking care of their animals. Even the bull patiently waits for me to finish feeding the cows and calves before him!
Thursday I picked up a 2nd dog gig from my friend, our CNO. I just needed to go out and feed her dogs for a couple days. Hehe. Easy to do from where I'm at this weekend. We had a consultant with the joint commission come in on wed and thurs and MAN I'm beat! We have some work to do. Friday was a lazy day with the pup, books, and food. Saturday hubbs came out and we went to lunch, then wandered around the square before he went home and I went to Mass.
Sunday I fed the animals, packed, then went and detailed my car since I'd be off the dirt roads again, then headed home to my kitty. Hubbs helped with me missing the Acey face by sending me pix of him while I was gone. He's sooooo cute and soft!!! I'm looking forward to getting back to the routine, and seeing more of my hubby. 😍
I hope all of you are having a nice Sunday to get ready for the week. Much love and hugs!!
No comments:
Post a Comment