Some thoughts

I enjoy spending time with friends, but this past weekend made me realize that I also really like spending time away from people who I see every day.  I feel kinda terrible, but I told one of my friends today that I'm planning on going away for the weekend, then told him that I'd prefer it if he didn't come.  Yeah, it's with a tour group and yeah he could come along if he really wanted to.  However, I really liked being able to get away for a few days.  Thankfully, he seemed to understand.  I dunno, there's certain things that just aren't sitting well with me right now anyway and they are only peripherally related to work stuff.

My insecurities are playing up again.  For those who are wondering, things went south really quick with the guy who wanted me to fall in love with him after a week of messaging.  I wished him goodbye and good luck - he said goodbye, then said that there was nothing good about it, and wished me a 'sadbye.'  Yeah, that happened.  Another guy I'd been talking with on a friendly level (and hung out with once) has mentioned that he 'met someone,' so I guess friendly messaging out the window as he focuses on the new lady in his life (which I understand, but there's always that voice asking 'why not me?' - even when I don't really want the guy, I want him to want me - ugh this is so messed up).  I'm coming to the realization that I need to treat myself the way I'd like someone else to treat me... and yet for some reason, I don't want to/I can't.  It's like, I know that I should learn how to love myself and treat myself better, and believe that I'm actually worthy of being loved and chosen by someone - but I still don't really believe any of that.  I'm not sure if I'm hung up on the idea that I can't love me until I'm 'done' working on myself - which is total crap because I'm always going to need to work on myself.  I'm never going to be 'fully' healed or 'done' with improving myself.  I need to learn to love the work, not just the finished product.  I've always been impatient - even when it comes to coloring books - I hurry thru because I want to be DONE.  I wonder where that comes from.

So yeah, yay for insecurities rearing their ugly heads.  At least some of my kids like me.  Eventually I will be enough for someone - it's just not going to be now.  J and I had a nice laugh about my lack of timing this am - L: "You literally woke up one morning, IN KOREA, and decided you want a relationship."  Me: "Yep, pretty much.  And now I'm impatient for it to happen!"  It's just - the more that I'm apparently not for someone, the less I believe that I'm 'for' anyone.  You get me?  Like the more I'm rejected, the less I'm willing to believe that I'm worthy of anyone.  UGH!  This is such bull.  Maybe taking an 8-year break from dating wasn't the best idea in the world, but considering the state of things I wonder if any time is a 'good' time to date.

Also, my kids are hugely talented, so I thought I'd share some of their sketches on the backs of their chunk quizzes. We have...

 A quizzical fox

 G. Boss (my favorite sharkey shark)

And a portrait done of me from a sweet little girl.

Anyway, life continues as normal here.  Some of my Korean co-teachers invited me to lunch on Friday, so that should be fun.  Then I go on my river rafting, adventure caving, bungee jumping weekend.  :)