So I saw this thing online the other day that said "I wish I could make everyone understand how important this statement is: go where you are wanted." and it got me thinking. Most of what it got me thinking is how can you really tell where/when you are truly wanted? So much of human relationships seem to be broken people trying to protect themselves from other broken people so there is a real lack of honesty and openness about what role we play in each other's lives.
Disclaimer - obviously this is more about acquaintances than it is about tried and tested friendships. For example, I know that I am wanted back home, in certain states and with certain people. However, here it's harder to tell where my company is actually wanted and where it's tolerated because the pool of native English speakers is so small. Again, there are exceptions (my Busan peeps, for example) but something I'm coming to recognize is how some people really feel weird social pressures.
For example, if I'm hanging out with some people that I don't know very well and they are making plans for a spa day, they are under no obligation that I know of to invite me along. However, often the invitation will be extended due to the fact that they feel awkward excluding me from the convo. In that situation I actually did tell them that they didn't have to invite me and I politely turned down the offer. I had to laugh on one of my trips because I was hanging out with some folks I had just met and one lady and I were going to leave and she said she'd be back while I said I wouldn't, and I'd see them back at the bonfire. She laughed and said that she appreciated my honesty which led to about a 30 min convo about how life would be so much easier if people just said what they mean.
I also wonder if it's a symptom of social anxiety to overthink every time you hang out with people and to second guess everything you say. I can convince myself that people are only tolerating me because they must due to social pressures or because they want something. It really sucks sometimes to be the person always second guessing other's intentions and motivations. Also it really, REALLY sucks to be right. I think this will be a hard thing to work thru when I start actually dating. I've seen it a bit with J and her boyfriend. She often will ask how she knows how he feels about her - I always tell her she can't really KNOW, but if he shows her thru little things, then she can have a pretty good idea. I've always been a huge fan of the little things - someone knowing how I take my coffee, a hug when they can tell I'm having a rough time, or one of my favorites from back home 'we need to meet for margaritas.'
One of the hardest things about being here is the lack of established good friends like the kind we all leave behind. Then we want to make new friends, but it's hard to meet people. In my case, I meet people on one of my weekend trips, then with the exception of D and N, I never see them again. Or if I do, it's extremely random (like running into I and J in Busan). Tho that may change as my friend C from the Namhae trip is talking about going on a hiking trip in early Sept and I think I'm going to go on that one, too. So that way we can meet up and probably bunk together. She's the lady from South Africa that I kind of bonded with. She called me her 'crazy American friend' which was fitting.
Anyway, that's my thinking lately. On the one hand it would be nice to know where I stand with people... on the other hand, would it help me to relate to them at all? Probably not. Would it make any of our lives any easier? Again, probably not. So the status quo will continue and I'll muddle thru as best I can.
For those who are wondering what my weekend was like, I can describe it in one word - lazy. On Saturday, I called Gma and Gpa and we had a lovely video chat, then I ventured into the rain to get food, then I came home and changed into PJ's and watched the extended editions of Lord of the Rings. Sunday I got up, did laundry, and finished LOTR. Now I'm writing this. After the week of rain and overtime and exhaustion, it was nice to just lay back and relax. Also apparently there's a typhoon coming tomorrow so that should be fun. One more week of OT, another expected week of rain, payday is tomorrow and eventually I'll actually go to the grocery store. I'm also thinking I'd like an outing in Seoul... when it's not in danger of floating away, that is. MUAH! Much love to all, hope you are all doing ok and looking forward to when we can see each other again! :*
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