I knew when I came to Korea that it would challenge me in many different ways. I was concerned about the lack of personal space that Asians are generally comfortable with (and I'm... not), and I was also concerned about making new friends. What I found was a roller coaster of healing, heartache, decent into one of the darkest places I've ever been, slowly crawling back out, and now I find myself realizing what a stronger version of myself I have become.
Some examples - I no longer apologize for saying 'no.' It's not 'I'm so sorry, but I have plans that day,' it's now 'Actually I'm busy, want to try for x?' I'm not longer apologetic about needing my alone time - and my co-workers understand my need for BH weekends. I don't force myself to do things that I know deep down I really don't want to do. It's nice. I'm also getting better at being 100% honest with guys. I had an illuminating email exchange with a certain aunt who suggested I take some time to really think about what I want out of a relationship. Notice the language - not what I need from a man, but what I want out of a relationship. It's caused some serious thought on my part, and no I don't have a list... yet. I have started meeting more guys online recently and I can say one thing that I want from a relationship is laughter - I met one guy and accidentally tripped. He laughed and said 'that was perfect' and gave me a hug. That's the kind of support I'm looking for... he then tripped later, so naturally I accused him of false clumsiness to make me feel better. He assures me that is not the case. I also know that I want intelligent conversation - my day with H was so good because we talked on a wide range of topics and when things didn't work out plan-wise, he didn't get annoyed and (for lack of a better word) bitchy about it. Taking things in stride, super important.
Anyway, I'm enjoying this bout of meeting people, maybe because I know more of what to expect and now I know what I want. That's right, I want the big 'R' - a Relationship. I want to be able to look at someone and say 'that's my weirdo.' Do I think I'm actually going to find that in Korea in the last 6 months I plan to be here? No and don't be absurd. Do I think it's a good idea for me to get out of the apt on weekends, meet new people, have some new experiences, and get used to telling guys exactly what I want/how I'm feeling? Yes, yes I do.
Slightly related - I think one of the reasons my weight loss had plateaued was because I've been snacking too much on the weekends. Being alone, bored, and loving my own food? Recipe for overeating. Speaking of which, explaining the fasting is... interesting. That's another thing that I'm not apologizing for - I don't eat on certain days, and I do eat on others. We can plan stuff around that or you can take a hike. In other news, my (unofficial) weight as of Monday is officially at the lowest it's been (for too long to count) so I'm stoked. We'll see what Friday's official weight says.
I also have greater confidence in my own thoughts and opinions - I'm less likely to agree with someone just to move on. I do still stop talking when I feel railroaded or when my opinions are not being taken into consideration, simply because I'm not going to waste energy trying to be heard. If it's important I'll give it more of a chance but if not, let it ride. Life is too short to waste arguing with people just for the sake of arguing.
As for work, we are still online. Drama continues, but I guess that's to be expected. I had the thought the other day, you know how many dramas and stuff are centered around hospitals? They don't hold a CANDLE to multi-cultural hagwons in S. Korea. You get so many people from so many backgrounds together and there is BOUND to be drama. The stress of living in a new country, meeting new people. learning how to teach (in many cases), dealing with kids, trying to understand the new work culture, clashes between personalities, the language divide with co-workers... yeah... it's an... interesting stew, that's for sure. People survive in different ways... as for me, after this week, I'm having pizza, wine, and a Riddick movie fest on Friday.
My new dress from Holy Clothing! It's an over dress, which is why you can see just a liiiitle of my side there... I figure it will be fun to wear when the weather gets cooler and I can wear my thermals under it. Until then, I won't be wearing it to work... accidental skin!!! Feeling good, though... it's a medium (their clothes tend to run a little large, but I'm still calling it a win). ;)
As for what I stated at the beginning... I'm still sorry for the pain I caused to those who were around to see my descent into the dark place. I am also thankful for those who stayed with me to the other side. I knew healing would be messy, but I did not expect it to take the route that it did. However, I finally feel like perhaps I'm actually better - not just 'yeah, I'm fine' but 100% 'yeah, I've still got some stuff to sort out but I actually feel capable of taking care of it.' I've had to admit to myself that I've spent YEARS running from my issues, accepting less than I deserved, holding on to past pain as a shield against future hurt, nursing my wounds like old friends. It's been a long road, but I finally feel like I can walk away from things that hurt my soul, hold out for the love I deserve, let down my shield (a bit, once I get to know someone), and take the lesson from the wounding but let them heal. A lot of the stuff I took upon myself (it's my fault, style of thing) had nothing to do with me. I am coming around to where I only take responsibility for my actions... seems small, but trust me, it's huge.
Anyway, thank you all for being here with me - I love and miss you and I can't wait to see you again. Stay tuned for updates on the misadventures of dating. I see many rants in the future. Oh also, if I do start dating someone you probably won't know for a while cuz I tend to keep that under wraps until I know they are someone I'm serious about. It's just the way I am. :)
MUAH! :*
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