Logically I know that isolating myself and refusing to date again isn't going to result in the happy marriage that I'm looking for. Someone at Honda once told me "the love of your life isn't going to show up at your aprt like 'I'm here!'" That being said, I wonder if recent red flags are actual red flags or if they are 'I've seen this before and it didn't end well' kinds of things (pink flags, perhaps?). Maybe I've been in customer service for too long, but I'm big on setting expectations. I try like hell to be honest and forthcoming in my interactions and I assume the same on the part of the person I'm talking to. Apparently that is a false assumption.
I don't consider myself an insecure person, for the most part I'm pretty much 'what you see is what you get and if you like it, great, if not, also fine.' However, when messaging and phone calls have given me certain expectations of behavior, it's disappointing to find that those were false. That disappointment translates into insecurity wondering if the virtual version of me is somehow better than the live version. (Couple that with the fact that I KNOW I've put on weight in the last few months and... the rude voices in my head are having a FIELD day.) Then communication crumbles because no one wants to address difficult topics and... silence. Also, what's with someone not answering a question? Even a simple "I'd rather not talk about it" is fine, but just shutting down?!
Then there's the social media aspect. What role does becoming 'facebook friends' play in the dating world these days? What about 'following' on instagram? The last guy I was dating and I didn't follow each other, I couldn't even find him on Facebook, and how did that turn out? Ghosted and I suspect he was married the whole time. So now what? Do we become facebook friends quickly or not? I'm not the kind of put "in a relationship with XXXX" until there's jewelry involved, so no worries on that. I guess someone I'm interested in NOT wanting to be friends on FB is a bit of a flag, but what color? Much as I hate to admit it, social media is a big part of our lives these days and it can be a good way of getting to know someone better. I feel weird asking someone how they feel about 'friending' on FB, but it's worse when they don't answer the damn question! I'd rather have a discussion about it than be ignored.
It seems I always circle back to my initial problems with dating - I never got the damn rule book! Also, it seems things change all the time. 'Do this, not that' seems to flip flop more times that I buy shoes!
Anyway, thanks for reading thru all that. The desire to protect myself and cut off all communication, turn off the dating profile, and isolate from humanity is rather strong today. In other news, I have a lead or 2 on a job that would be work from home, so that could be good juju. I'm also officially active on indeed.com and I think I may sign up on zip recruiter. Freedom knows I'm there thru the end of Feb, then it's time for something new. Work from home would be nice, I know some people who like it, and my friend A works for the company so I know it's legit. Also that means I still have the freedom to relocate when I want to, so when I'm ready I can take my job with me. The company is also international, so when I can speak French or German better than I do currently (it's pas tre bien or only kiene deutch at the moment) other opportunities may open up. If there's an option for relocating to a European destination: SIGN ME UP! LOL.
Other than the dating and job searching not much is going on here. Winter has arrived and I'm LOVING having a heated shop to park the Stink Bug in so I don't have to scrape the windshield or dust off the snow. Mom and I are planning some trips and fun (I'm convinced she needs to have a Maine lobster, and I need to cross Maine off the list of states I haven't been to... gonna be disappointed if nothing creepy happens). I'm still hopeful for 2022, but perhaps healing from the shit of 2021 is going to take a while. Just thinking about how I was ghosted really still hurts like hell... I don't trust me when it comes to making good dating decisions... for good reason, apparently. Sigh... at least I'm still loved by those who know me. MUAH! Much love, dear reader... I wish you every happiness :*
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