I don't wanna

I've been struggling with the I-dont-wanna's for the last week or so. At first i thought it was because of hormones cuz... you know... good scapegoat. Then my trainer guy posted something about how he had been struggling and realized it was because his body was associating the time of year with a major low point in his life. I got to thinking and realized that I may be remembering my own low time from 2 years ago when I was ghosted by someone I thought cared about me, and my step-dad also passed away - within 5ish days of each other. So I was dealing with a broken heart, grieving, and working a retail job which meant I wasn't supposed to show my pain. I still think it's crap that a) retail workers and servers aren't allowed to feel human emotions at work and b) we can't take time off to greive because bills still exist. It took a while to get out of that funk, and the lack of empathy was truly astounding. So maybe that's why I've got the I-dont-wannas right now. I'm no longer in the depths of despair, but I remember being there around this time of year. August and February have become difficult months for me, so it's no wonder I've got a bit of the morbs. 

For those who are wondering, things are still going well. There is still some uncertainty around work, as some 'restructuring' is going to happen soon-ish. I still don't have a 'boss' as such, which is weird, so there is that. I'm still doing my job, working my 4-10 hour days, and just kinda waiting to find out whats next. 

I have started going to the gym again. I'm shifting my focus from weight loss to strength. I want to feel strong and confident in my body as I continue to age. Apparently dying young isn't really in the cards, so if I put in the work now maybe I'll be able to age without too many prescriptions being needed. Gma really set the bar high when we were at the surgery center!!

The Awkward Yeti knows what's up!

I'll do it, I don't gotta LIKE it.

Things are going well with the fella. I've been a bit freaked out lately due to just how great its been, how much time we've spent together, and how there is a real possibility of a future with him. I know a lot of that freak out is due to past hurts. After all, it hasn't been a walk in the park finding each other. Maybe more like a walk thru a haunted cemetery on Halloween, during a zombie apocalypse. I can see that part of why this is happening now is because of being ghosted 2 years ago. That really messed me up. Subsequent ghosting and breadcrumbing hasn't helped (breadcrumbing is when a guy mostly ignores you, then gives excuses, keeping you around but really losing interest, while you wonder if they actually want to be with you or not -that's the one where I broke up with him but the relationship had probably ended a good month and a half before we had that convo. I also have some proof he was shopping around while still technically being with me, so yeah, theres that). I wonder if one of the reasons I'm so scared of messing things up with J is because no guy I've dated ever gave me a reason for ghosting or losing interest. Most i got was "its nothing you've done." There's a part of me, the wounded part, who is always prepared for the worst. It's exhausting, but other than giving myself time and enjoying being in a healthy relationship, not letting that part sabotage what we have, theres not much i can do. I'm officially in uncharted territory where I'm with a man who WANTS to be with me, who hasn't pulled the usual 180, and who communicates like an adult! He's so considerate and thoughtful and I sometimes have a hard time believing this is really real. It is tho! He's a real person! And he wants to be with me! And he expresses this! Out loud! WHAAAAAAAAAA? He's never mentioned changing my music preferences, or judged me for having stuffies, or mentioned that he prefers hair/makeup/clothing that I don't go for. A man who knows and loves me for who I am... is it any wonder I love him? (Hi honey!)

Anyway, I just wanted to share the mental stuff I'm going thru. I'm in SUCH a better place now than I was 2 years ago, and I'm SO grateful to those who were empathetic at that time. Can we please treat other humans AS humans, no matter what job they have?? Kindness is a choice, people!!! Please choose kindness over being a twat! 🤪 

As promised, delicious food. This is an unwich from Jimmy John's and some cherries, which was my post workout meal on Tuesday. 😁